I have liked a man I work with for well over a year.  I was only on a contract for 12 months which ended yesterday.

For the last two months he has been flirting and coming on to me in subtle ways.  For example - he has called my boss into his office to ask all about me; asking my  boss if I was coming in today. 

Checking out your availability, getting information about you he can use to get to know you more and preparing himself for when you are going to appear. 

Coming up to me and chatting about all things, touching me on my arm or playfully hitting me occasionally, I even caught him checking me out on Thursday!! 

Well, there you go do you need any more evidence than that. 

My colleagues all say that he is definitely interested in me. 

Even better, your colleagues can't be all wrong, they have a different perspective to the situation.

He has complemented me on one of my outfits - he made a point of remembering my birthday plus other things along the way. 

He knows how to make a woman feel special! 

My boss did say though - that she felt that he would not ask me out until I left because of a works ethic thing he has.

Well, that's true, it makes it difficult to ask someone out, if they are working together, but the fact that you are leaving, gives him a target date for him to wait for and then he can pounce. 

 
During the course of those few months, I have emailed him - not directly telling him how I feel - but I always make sure I remember things that was happening in his personal life - like his touch football match final.. i emailed him and I wished him goodluck and told him that I thought he would win - but that I was biased.  I always sign off the emails with a kiss.

A guy does notice when a woman uses kisses at the end of an email, and it does make him think of a woman in a potential relationship way.  But women use kisses so often you don't know whether they are just being friendly or whether they fancy you, for example they use them at the end of messages to other women, does that mean they fancy other women?  It's possible but I doubt it.

I saw him as I leaving for home on Thursday and he said goodbye...all the usual smiles and he said see you tomorrow for your last day.

However, my last day came and went and he completely ignored me.  He didn't even come and say goodbye when I was leaving - he was locked away in his office.

Scared, a guy doesn't like a situation where his woman is surrounded by other people and he is competing for your attention and other people are going to interrupt.  It's like standing on a podium and saying goodbye to you in front of everyone else.  Men also doesn't like goodbyes, they tend to stand back and let the women give their goodbyes, it might make him emotional, look a fool and make him do or say something he regrets, he may be forced into responding to your emotional state and he might make a mistake with his response to you.  Does he kiss you or hug, is that appropriate and will he do it right, well if he avoids the situation, he avoids that potential mistake.  Being in amongst loads of women and in the spotlight is very scarey for a man, he will know he has women watching his every move, watching what he says and making comments about him, some out loud and some comments directly to him and some women quietly gossiping amongst themselves about him (or at least that's his perception).

I feel so completely used and betrayed - he flirted with me for months - my boss said he was so interested in me.  So what happened?

It is frustrating and stupid for a guy to do this, but I wouldn't read too much into it.  If you do read too much into it you will find yourself being moody with him next time you see him, then he will think you have a problem with him, so then he will avoid you, and then you will think he definitely has a problem with you, so you will then give up. 

What did I do to deserve this reaction from him? 

You didn't do anything, it's just a guys way of thinking about things.  Women automatically know it's essential to say goodbye to a woman and get involved in that emotional stuff, a guy is scared to death about it, because he doesn't know what to say or do, when he probably has a spotlight on him.  He was probably hoping that you would come to the privacy of his office to say goodbye, then he would have been able to say goodbye without the glare of your Paparazzi colleagues analysing his every move.

I asked my colleagues whether I was imagining his feelings towards me -  and everyone of them said definitely not!!!!  They all said that he never behaved or talked to or even flirted with anyone before the way he does with me.

Exactly, so he really did like you.

I would have thought - that even if he changed his mind about me - that he would have at least given me the courtesy to wish me luck for the future.  Instead I was ignored - and now I am sitting here without closure and the girls i work with are all totally shocked at his actions.

That's because women think the same way as each other, they don't understand how men think.  Men don't understand the importance of how women think about this, to a guy he would be thinking well she'll be surrounded by other women, so she'll hardly likely to miss me and I plan to see her around anyway.

Is this a clear indication that he doesn't want me? 

No, a clear indication that he doesn't want you, is if you contact him a few times and he doesn't reply. 

Do I need to move on?

No, not necessarily, you need to email him and wait until after the holidays and see if he responds.  If he doesn't respond once school is back in term, then send him another email.  If he doesn't respond to that then you should probably give up. 

Or is he just biding time until i left so he can ask me out?

From what you have said he definitely does fancy you and everyone else has noticed that too, presumably he is not married, so hasn't got that to hold him back.  So the most likely option is he is biding his time.

I should also mention - that this morning i sent him an email to his work .  In it I said that I was very disappointed and sad that I did not get a chance to see him before I left and that if I did not see him or hear from him before christmas that I hoped he had a lovely break with his kids. 

Kids, yikes, so is he spoken for, is that what's holding him back.  He won't want to spoil his kids christmas by having an affair.  Christmas is an important family time. 

I told him I was thinking of him.  Short and sweet. 

Next time put a question in the email, which will make him realise he needs to reply and give him something to reply to.  Make sure there is a question mark at the end of a sentence, once a guy has finished reading he scans an email for a ?.  Believe me you get a far better response rate to guys if you ask him a question or ask his advice on something.  Women far too often put a sort of question in an email but follow it with and !, he either won't spot this as a question when he scans through the email or he will think you are making a statement instead of asking a question.

What you put in the email, he would have thought that's nice of her to wish me a good christmas, but all I can write back in response is "hope you have a good christmas too", which is boring and you should already know he wants you to have a good christmas anyway.  It basically makes it more difficult to think of a reply to your email if you don't put a question in there for him to respond to.  He might even think do you really want a reply or are you just making a series of emotional statements.

Men do like short messages but by that I mean not 40 paragraphs on the reasons why you missed him and were sad to have missed him on the last day of working with him.  It's ok to have up to 10 SHORT paragraphs about different things with a few questions in amongst them. "Or what have you been up to the this week?" at the end.

He is officially on holidays now for six weeks - but I do know that he accesses his computer from home when he is on holidays and occasionally goes into work to do a few things when no one else is around.

You can't really rely on that, you will have to be patient and wait for the school term to start again before presuming that he has received the email message.  Christmas is family time and he won't be expecting many emails to work. 

Should i take the hint from his absence on my last day - or should I wait and see if he replies to my email. 

I think you should wait and see if he replies to your email, just because a guy is not in what you consider the right place at the right time on your leaving day, doesn't mean he doesn't fancy you.  If he blanks you out when you see him then there's a chance he doesn't fancy you, but even then he could have something on his mind.  The only way to tell these things is to actually see him and get an idea of what your conversation together is like.

At what point do I accept that he either played me for a fool or has changed his mind.

If he doesn't reply to two email messages and then tries not to have too many intense conversations when you see each other.

Reply by what the? on 19.12.07

thanks for your advice about my man who did not come and say goodbye as I was leaving my job for good last friday.  Your advice has given some comfort and insight into how a male brain works.

The girls from my office and I went on for dinner to a swish restaurant on the last day of work for dinner.  As my boss was leaving she said that she would ring me during the holidays to see if anything has happened with my man. I feel comfort in that - because my man seems to seek her out and talk about me to her.  She has even said that after the holidays she will go and find out from him what is going on because she says I need to know either way so I can move on. 

When I look back at things that have happened over the last few months I can see that he does like me.  But I guess it is only natural to start doubting yourself when nothing has happened yet.

For example - on the second last week of work he came limping into the staff room early one morning and my boss was in there.  He asked her if I was coming in today and my boss said no she (me) only works Mon, Tuesday and Fridays.  She asked why - do you need a massage (referring to his sore foot). He looked at her and grinned!  She said to him you know you want to and he said yes - a bloody good rub down!  As soon as he said that another colleaugue walked in and my man could not say anything else. 

As soon as my boss saw me - she told me what he had said because she knew how frustrated I was getting with everything.  He makes comments like that to her often. She has been acting as like a go between for my man and I for months.  Although - he does not know that she has been telling me the things he has been saying.

In your opinion do you think he will wait until the holidays are over and he is back at work before he contacts me?  To me - six weeks is such a long time to wait.

Yes, he probably will wait until after the holidays.  You can't rely on him  checking his work emails during the holidays.  When he does get back he may have a lot to do or think the time has passed for him to be able to respond to the email.  Therefore it's good if you wait a week or two after he gets back to work and if he hasn't sent an email, send him one, and make sure you put a question in it, with a ? mark at the end of the sentence to increase your chances of getting a response back.

Also - I have noticed that one of the male colleagues was behaving oddly towards me.  We used to muck around alot - but lately he has been very formal with me.  Not rude just pleasant and polite.  This colleague has known for a long time that I like my man and I used to make little comments to him about my man.  But lately I have noticed that on the rare occasion that i am chatting to this colleague he is looking over at my man to see if he's watching. He also tends to have a slightly guilty expression on his face if he is talking to me.  What does this mean?

He knows there is a competitor and a potential threat on the scene.  So he keeps one eye on you, the person he likes and one eye on his competitor to make sure he's not going to get aggressive with him.  Or it could be that he doesn't fancy you and is scared of this other guy, so doesn't want to look as though he's chatting you up in front of this guy, again he will want to keep one eye on you and one eye on the guy you fancy.

In the last week at work my man occasionally looked odd when he was talking to me. I can't decide whether it is nervousness, embarassment or  if he was sad that I was leaving. 

As it got closer to you leaving, there would have been more and more mental pressure on him to do something and make a move.  That mental pressure on him would have been intense and would result in him being nervous.   That maybe explains his inaction even more, he became so nervous that he actually froze and could not do anything.  He will have been sad that you were leaving, but equally he might have been torn about what to say about it, does he make it obvious and say "I will really miss you", or does he try not to say anything to look like a tough guy.  As guys are not good at expressing emotions, he would have more likely chose the option of not saying anything.

He certainly didn't try and get rid of me and was always bringing up more things to talk about. So from that I can deduce it is not because he is uncomfortable talking to me.

Now you can see why I am unsure as to his actions of ignoring me on my last day.  To me - if he likes me he would have said merry christmas or SOMETHING!!!!!!  Then I look at his signals and comments others have made and I THINK that he likes me.  STRESS!!!!

Overall from what you have written I reckon he does fancy you, for some reason he has held himself back, I believe because he was scared to show anything.  Now that you have left work most of those things that have held him back should be removed, so if you make it as easy as possible to see him outside that work environment, you should make him more relaxed and more willing to take a risk.

Reply by what the 21.01.08

I just wanted to update you on my situation - I emailed you about my man not coming and saying goodbye on my last day.

Well, he emailed me today.  I was so surprised - I was starting to think that maybe he was just leading me on.

"Women's intuition", known to man as "Women's paranoia".

I had also thought that maybe because he hadn't come and seen me on my last day - he might have been too embarassed to contact me in case I was upset with him.

No, he wouldn't possibly think that, that's not the way a man would think.  He may feel guilty about it but it wouldn't make him embarrassed or stop him from contacting you.  The fact that he has had ?6 weeks would have made him forget about it anyway.

But - you can imagine my surprise this morning.. his first day back at work after 5 weeks hols... there is an email for me - FROM HIM.  It was short but he did ask me how I was, apologised for not answering sooner and he was asking about the kids (he even remembered their names) and what we had been upto.

I told you to wait until he gets back and see if he messages you, that would have been his prime time for answering and I'm glad it's come true.  It's a good job you were patient and didn't follow with a load more emails, the fact that it was short doesn't matter it was a reply and requested information about your kids.  He wanted to know what you have been up to, so he is demonstrating that he is interested in your personal life.

He also said that he hoped he would see me soon. So, even though he hasn't asked me out yet - it is contact.  And I am very happy with that.

It is good, and he is not realistically going to ask you out on the first email.  What you have to do is keep the emails flowing until you've agreed to meet up somewhere.

i emailed him back and told him that I was glad to hear from him.  I filled him in on somethings I had been doing and I told him that I looked forward to seeing him too.  Nothing gushy or over the top.  It was only about 4 paragraphs long - but it is a start.

Sounds as though you have done well.

What should i do now?

Wait for a response to his email, keep emailing him and ensure you include questions.  Try and keep them short, remember if you've got too much to put in an email, you can always save that information and put it in your next email to him.  Wait to get a chance to meet up with him and then snap his hand off when he gives you the opportunity to meet up with him.

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