I feel very much confused because a colleague from work keeps flirting with me and I've just learnt that he lives with his girlfriend. He mentioned it to me in a conversation but he is  being more than friendly with me. He keeps looking and smiling at me, kisses me goobye (he never does it to other girls), 

You don't take the risk of kissing women, unless the risk is worth taking.  As a guy you aren't particularly keen on kissing women you don't find attractive either.  Kissing is reserved for those special women, that you either want a relationship with or you fancy having sex with. 

he keeps asking me questions, offering me several coffees per day, he always wants to offer help and also wants to know when I finish work and keeps repeating that it's a shame we never finish at the same time because otherwise he would take the bus with me.

He's quite persistent isn't he?  It sounds like this guy is a professional with women and not used to rejection.  He knows if he is persistent he will get what he wants eventually.  You don't go to this amount of effort unless you really do fancy a woman.  He is taking immense risks and is obviously confident with women.  You have got to ask yourself though, why is he flirting if he has a perfectly nice girlfriend.  Is it because he wants a bit on the side, or is it because his girlfriend is not quite right, so he is looking to move on.

He seems to be looking for me all the time in the staffroom, puts kind little messages to wish me a happy christmas in my my mailbox (at work) and yesterday he even came at work

Sounds naughty! I think you worded that a bit wrong, or did you, lol! 

but had nothing to do there on this particular day, he sent me a mail to say he might come to say hello and get some work done. Anyway the list is pretty long but he's extremely friendly with me and even suggested he found me pretty. 

Well he obviously does, to go to the length that you have talked about. 

I told him I was going abroad for christmas and two days later I learnt that he booked tickets for the same country with his girlfiend. He then recognised I gave him the idea.

He really is pursuing you, isn't he?  He's making you feel like his special one.

I don't know what to think about all this. This has been going on for a few months now, I didn't know him at all before. Is he just being friendly or is there something else going on? This isn't clear at all!!

It is well and truely clear.  He is pursuing you and isn't prepared to stop unless you give him the brush off.  What I do question is his intentions.  He has a girlfriend, so does he want you for a bit on the side or does he want you as a girlfriend.  He's obviously a professional with women, judging by his super confidence in pursuing you.  I can't really answer what his intentions are, all that I can say is he definitely fancies you in some way.  He could be well and truly infatuated with you or he could be well and truly infatuated with having sex with you.  Judging by the range of things he has done, I am more likely to sway towards the idea he is infatuated with you from the point of view of having a long term relationship, because of the amount of effort he is making, but I could be wrong.

Reply by yuyu 06.01.08

The colleague I told you about continues his flirting thing; he now starts winking at me whenever he sees me and is still very friendly. What should I do considering he does have a girlfriend he lives with. I like him and if all this is just a game, I will get hurt.

As I said before I reckon he likes you too, though I have some doubts about his reasons for liking you.  Certainly you shouldn't rush into having sex with him if you do start a relationship.  Because that is a sign that he wants to use you for sex and not for a relationship.  I don't really recommend going with a guy that has a girlfriend unless you are sure his girlfriend's relationship is pretty much void.  The reason for this is because if his girlfriends relationship is still good, then he'll just see you as a woman he can have a bit on the side with.  And unless that's all your interested in then I don't recommend it.

Should I tell him how I feel

Certainly don't tell him how you feel, he has a girlfriend and men typically don't like women telling them how they feel, unless they are already in a long term relationship or they've known her for a while.   

or should I avoid him?

I think it will be pretty much impossible to avoid him.  He will pursue you wherever you go, the only way to give him the brush off is to do something negative or tell him your not interested.  But I don't think you've got as far as avoiding him yet.

I don't know if I'm being paranoid but he was supposed to leave this job next year to work somewhere else and when he learnt that I was going to stay newt year he suddenly changed his mind and told me he was going to stay there one more year afterall.

I don't think that has too much relevance, if you are going to leave a job, then you'll leave, you don't wait because there's one woman you might fancy, you can always see her outside work by giving her your phone number etc. 

I've got the feeling he genuinely likes me beacuse he does make a lot of effort to spend time with me at work; but I could be wrong and I'm not sure what to do. Shall I stay friendly and see where it goes or shall I show him I don't want him to play with me?

Stay friendly and see where it goes.  There's no point in giving a guy that's showing interest in you the brush off, unless you are sure his intentions are the wrong intentions.  As soon as you work his intentions are bad, then avoid him and be unfriendly.  But if that doesn't happen you have to give him the benefit of the doubt. 

Reply by yuyu 29.01.08

I'm getting back to you because some things have changed in his attitude and I wonder whether he still fancies me or if he got bored... he's still very friendly with me, still kisses me on the cheeks twice a day to say hello and goodbye, still offers me coffees and we both still eat together at the canteen.

Is that the sign of someone who is getting bored?  I'd like to be bored with you, if it is! 

But conversation is not as easy.

So he is nervous of something.  Maybe he has become conscious that his situation is not that easy, he has a girlfriend but fancies you, he wants to move things further with you but he is feeling nervous about it. 

I feel awkward and I have the feeling he's not as confident as he used to be.  we sometimes don't find anything to tell each other and it's quite embarrassing.

That usually happens when people have had sex too soon.  But in your case I think it's a case of he is nervous about something and that is giving him a mind block when it comes to talking.  The best way to resolve this is for your to take the lead when talking, at the beginning of each day think of a few topics you can talk to him about, think of a few questions you could ask him.  Then when you do meet up if the conversation is drying up slip in a few of those things.  If the conversation is flowing then save those things for another day, when the conversation isn't flowing.  A woman really needs to take the lead when it comes to conversation, conversation is generally not a guys strong point.

No blatant flirting, no winks anymore and less smiles. What does this mean?

That kind of suggests there is something wrong.  It could mean as you say he has lost interest, but that is unlikely since you say he is still kissing.  It's more likely that he is unsure about something with you or he is feeling a bit low or depressed about something at the moment, he's got something on his mind. 

He did send me an e-mail though; to ask me if I was free on saturday night to go to the restaurant with some other colleagues from work.

That's his way of testing the water with you and getting you out with him, even if other people are present.

yet the next day, he told me I didn't have to feel obliged to go... ( as if he didn't want me to go anymore)

No, that is his opt out, to allow you to have an excuse to say no, and him not feel rejected about it.  Had you not replied by the next day, he might have been getting paranoid that you weren't bothered or that it looked like he was asking you out.   

what do you think? 

You need to go out on Saturday night and see what happens. 

Reply by yuyu 13.02.08

The situation is progressing slowly... Now it's pretty obvious he is interested in me (in some way) as he kept staring at me during the whole dinner last saturday when we went out  (with 20 other colleagues) He kept asking me all sorts of questions and didn't seem to pay any attention to the others. Now he starts winking again (almost every time he sees me) and even came to pick me up in the morning to drive me to work. He keeps pursuing me (as you say)even more than before, and finds any kind of excuses to send me e.mails. He even offered me to lend me a piano so I could practise during the next holidays! Now I really have to find out what kind of a relationship he has with his girlfriend but it's difficult to make him talk about her.

He is unlikely to talk about her, if he is attracted to you.  If you bring up the subject of her one of two things will happen, he will feel uncomfortable and will quickly try and change the subject or he will think she doesn't mind me talking about my girlfriend, so he will talk but will be cautious about what he says. 

I don't feel very comfortable asking him directly either. The only thing I understood was that she was very busy preparing a competitive exam this year and doesn't have much time to go out( which could explain his flirting behaviour)

Doesn't have much time to go out and doesn't have much time for him.  So he needs to seek female attention elsewhere to make himself feel loved. 

The thing is; I don't want to be his "stopgap" until she is available again... But what I find strange is the fact that he doesn't seem to feel bad about his behaviour towards me.

Maybe that's because if it works out, he'll ditch her and move onto you. 

I mean, the others know him very well and also know he's got a girlfriend but he doesn't seem to mind. It doesn't stop him from flirting with me even when they are around. what do you think I should do now?

Just carry on, things seem to have gone well on Saturday, so I'm sure there will be more opportunties to get to know each other.  Either opportunities from you or opportunities from him.

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