I wrote a couple of messages a few months ago (about a colleague from work who has a girlfriend and keeps flirting)and I followed your advice. I think you were right to say that I needed to be patient and give him "the benefit of the doubt" as he seemed to act genuinely. Yet,the end of the year is approaching and nothing concrete happened.

When a guy has a girlfriend, he has to be extra careful, he must be sure that the woman he moves onto is right for him and he must be sure that leaving his current lady is the right decision.  That's two decisions to make and both are quite difficult decisions. 

I'm getting impatient and angry as well. He hasn't changed his attitude towards me since I last sent you my message but there's something he said at the canteen that really upset me yesterday. just before having lunch, he apologised for having missed my birthday during the holiday, said he felt really bad about it and offered me a present to make up for it ( which I thought was really nice of him). Everything was perfect before another colleague sat next to us at the canteen and asked him how his girlfriend was doing with all her exams and stuff. He answered her question and added that she planned moving abroad if she passed her exam. The colleague seemed really surprised and logically asked what he would do if she did pass. He replied " well that's the question..." So the colleague looked even more surprised and said " Well, what do you mean? It's a big decision to take!!" and he replied that yes, of course he would follow her if she had to move.

I don't think that the sign of a guy that's going to be ditching his girlfriend anytime soon.  A guy that wasn't sure about his woman, wouldn't be particularly sure about moving with her.  I think you are better off forgetting about this guy, or at least thinking of him as a friend from now on.  Otherwise you are going to be expecting more and then he will drop the bombshell that he's moving out of the country.  It's best for you to withdraw from the situation now, than be hurt when you've grown more attached to him. 

When he said that, I felt really uncomfortable and  didn't say anything but as soon as we finished eating I said I had to leave.

You are bound to, you would be gutted by the fact he will be moving and gutted that there's not much chance of him leaving his girlfriend. 

We always have a coffee together after lunch and as we hadn't seen each other for two weeks we were both waiting for that coffee. I just left and said goodbye rather coldly but I'm not sure he understood. I just can't keep acting as everything was perfeclty normal when it is clear that there is something wrong. I'm not sure I want to have lunch with him next week and feel bad again. Shall I just tell him once and for all what's going on with him???

No, there's no point in doing that.  If he is so serious with his girlfriend, he's hardly likely to want to ditch her for you.  Just start seeing him as a friend, until he proves that he wants anything further than that.

Reply by yuyu 08.05.08

i've just received your answer; thanks for replying so quickly. Even if I agree with you on some points I can't help thinking that the fact he said his girlfriend wanted to go abroad was a way to show that their relationship wasn't going that well. He did not seem sure of himself when he said he'd move with her. When he was asked what he'd do if she left, his first answer was" well, that's the question" which clearly shows that he is still asking himself the question.

He will have an element of doubt there about moving, any guy would, even if he was very keen on it.  Moving to another country is a big decision, you leave friends and family behind and then you have to adjust and settle down in the new country.  It's not an easy decision for anyone to make. 

He said he would follow her the second time he was asked; maybe because he felt uneasy having to  discuss his private life.

I don't think a guy particularly likes discussing his private life and when he does he likes to be careful that what he says is definite.  Men don't like saying things one moment and then changing them the next day, that's indecisive and men feel indecisiveness is not a trait that women like to see.  So he will be apprehensive about what he is saying and the fact that he used the phrase "that's the question", that was to buy himself time to think of an appropriate answer.  He was put on the spot with the question.

I don't know but  that's what I tend to think now with more hindsight. Do you think that could be possible?

He will have felt uneasy discussing his private life, but even more uneasy, because he hasn't made the final decision and men don't like to sound indecisive. 

If he isn't intereted anymore then why does he still bother acting so nicely and offering me little presents for my birthday?

I wouldn't say he isn't interested, just because he has a girlfriend that he's planning on going away with, doesn't mean he stops all interest in any other women.  Indeed, if he eventually decides it's the not the right decision to move with her or they have a falling out before or after he moves across there.  Then he will want you and other potential women waiting for him, should that event happen.  So, I don't think he is just suddenly going to drop all interest in other women.  It's just a case of at the moment, he is fairly set on moving away with her and therefore there's no point in thinking he's going to get with you in the meantime.  Unless he shows some significant change towards you.

I don't understand why I shouldn't let him know that his attitude upsets me. Maybe that would make him react. I just can't withdraw and keep everything inside and I can't pretend to be his friend either. I need to know what his intentions are and I need him to tell me. Why is it a problem to tell someone how you feel?

Because it's too soon, you can't just blurt out your emotions before you've even started dating someone.  You can't say, you are upsetting me because I fancy you, because then he will think, emotionally unstable woman, blaming me because I upset her by mentioning my girlfriend and moving away.  It will make him react, but it's more likely to be in a negative way, than a positive way.  The only way he would react positively, is if he was already hooked on you, and there are no signs there to indicate he is totally hooked on you yet, to the point where he would be close to asking you out.  Men are not particularly good at dealing with emotional women.  So it would be bad timing for you to state, your emotions, you need more time to get him hooked first.  And the best way to do that is to pretend you are treating him like a friend, because then he will more likely step things up and try to get you to see him as more than that.

Reply by yuyu 13.05.08

Sorry but this guy is really messing with my head and it's going to be difficult to forget him... Just a quick message to tell you that I saw my colleague this morning ( I only see him once a week) and pretended ( as you advised me) to be friends. We bumped into each other in the bus and chatted  with other colleagues. Then at break time, I chatted with some colleagues and he chatted with others ( we normally have a coffee together) at some point he tried to join our conversation but I could feel he wasn't as easygoing as usual and soon left me with my colleagues and took his coffee with someone else ( a male colleague) Anyway what is important is the fact that for the very first time in the whole year; he did not wait for me at lunch time.

This is a very clear indication that something is wrong.  And I bet that something that is wrong, is your reaction the other day.  He maybe feeling any amount of emotions about you, but all those emotions will make him nervous around you and want to avoid an uncomfortable feeling.  The emotion could be that he feels as though you think he has done something wrong. And for that reason he might have two emotions, either to hell with her because I'm not that interested in her anymore or she's unhappy with me, so she might not want me to talk to her, so I'm going to avoid her until she comes out of her mood.  Whatever is the case, it's a negative emotion and it is as a result of event the other day or that he detects that you are being different with him.  As I said the best way to deal with him is pretend he is just a friend and be happy, if you are happy, then he has no reason to believe you are not happy with him, so he is more likely to approach you again.

He always does and if he can't see me, he usually sends a text message to know where I am. Well, he did not send me a message either this time. Do you think this attitude is linked to what happened at the canteen last week.

Definitely, it's either he didn't like you storming out, or he's detected from your body language you have a problem and is therefore avoiding you. 

(I left just after lunch when he dropped the bomshell that he might move abroad with his girlfriend)Do you think he undrestood why I left and realised he couldn't go on flirting like this? What do you think of this sudden change of behaviour?

It's definitely related to that day, but as I say you need to be happy and treat him like a friend, so that he begins to wonder whether there really was a problem with that day. 

Reply by yuyu 04.06.08

even if I don't think there is much to say about the whole situation now I just wanted to let you know what happened and have your opinion.

In the last message I told you about my colleague telling me his girlfriend might move abroad if she passed her exam. When he said that I went cold and left but the following week I decided (on your advice) to be friendly again. Indeed, as soon as I was friendly with him,things went on the right track and he was very friendly too. So I decided I could have lunch with him again. Well, yesterday we were chatting in the staffroom and he asked me whether I was staying here next year and I replied that I didn't know yet.He answered that we would keep in touch anyway. And then, he dropped the bombshell that his girlfriend passed her exam and was about to move in a couple of months. He said he would join her next year (it was too late for him to apply for a job now)When he said that I thought he was a real player because he would keep flirting with me the whole year before leaving.

Well yes, but in that year he has chance to forget about his girlfriend, decide he doesn't want to move out there with her and decide you are a better option for him.   I wouldn't say there was any element of a player about that, I think it's just a fact.

Now I'm not too sure what to think of that.

It's a clear statement that he's hoping you continue to work there and he's reassuring you that he is going to be around for another year at least. 

Anyway, I had lunch with him and thought it was now time to know a bit more so I asked him if he was happy to leave next year. He said yes. He told me I was welcome to visit him... I didn't answer...

So he wants you to visit him, that's good.  But that is just a hypothetical mention and a hint that he likes you either as a friend or more. 

I felt gutted again and finally told one of my colleagues about it. She said he kept asking for me in the staffroom and that it was pretty obvious he was pursuing me.

Honestly, if your colleagues notice it, then really you should be pretty conclusive about it. 

I don't know if I made a mistake but this was too much for me and I did send him a text message to say I was hurt   and asked him if he was playing with me.

Why?  What element of playing was all that, it was all part of the conversation. 

He replied saying he had no intention of playing any game at all and was honestly very sorry If I was hurt. I just replied "no comment".

You are making it difficult for him now, because he doesn't know your intentions, he'll be sensing the fact you are unsure about him and that will make him more likely to be unsure about making a move.   

I feel really bad about that because that guy has done a lot during the whole year to show interest.I do not believe he was just being friendly. What do you think of his answer. When he says he wasn't playing.

It's another direct hint that he likes you.  He's clearly stating to you that "he wasn't playing".  In other words he means it.  If he didn't fancy you, he would have most likely thought, what a pain in the arse, I'm not replying to her and then tried to avoid you.

Does it mean he was just being friendly or does he mean he was acting genuinely?

Men only know logical, he was acting genuinely or he wants you to think he was acting genuinely.  He could be lying about not playing, but that white lie would be for the sake of winning you over.  I personally think he's being genuine.

Should I leave it there now or try to speak to him?

See how things go when you next see each other.  I don't see why you shouldn't just carry on chatting to him, even if you pretend it's only as friends. 

Reply by yuyu 11.06.08

Well I don't know what you'll think about that but I believe this guy has psycholgical issues... I saw him yesterday at work and unfortunately we didn't have the opportunity to talk as I was busy chatting with colleagues in the staffroom when he came in. He was obviously a bit embarrassed

Well, he was probably wondering if he had done something wrong and you were talking to the others and not him for a reason.  But by his embarrassment he certainly sees something in you, because guys don't get embarrassed otherwise.

and we just looked at eachother to say hello and he went on with his work.That's it. No conversation whatsoever.

Well not surprising if you were busy chatting, he can't exactly interrupt. 

But what really upsets me is the fact that the colleague I talked to told me that she saw him on the bus the same morning and asked him questions about his plans for new year... and he spoke to her very freely about the fact he was expecting to join his girlfriend

He would say that because there are his best option plans at the moment.  Things can easily change with that in the time frame between now and when he actually goes. 

 and that they'd been together for 8 years and were now thinking about having kids... whereas he kept all this very private when speaking to me and avoided the subject...

He doesn't want any other love interests, like you, to know of these plans, he wants to keep his options open.  That's why he tells someone he doesn't fancy but doesn't tell you.

Now I know that, I do not expect anything from him but I really start wondering wether that guy has personal issues. He was very persistant with me and as I told you even the other colleagues noticed him pursuing me.

It either suggests he wants to consider you as an option to his plans or he wants to play with you before he goes to live with his girlfriend.  After all he's going to be lonely for a few months without his girlfriend and without any sex. 

I even saw him (from my window)walking in my street with his girlfriend one weekend...

Gosh, that must have been a surprise.

 
Could it be that he does have a crush but tries to convince himself that he's happy with his girlfiend?

Yes, that's entirely possible. Just because he has a girlfriend doesn't stop him fancying other women.

I say that because I already noticed that whenever it was too obvious he was flirting with me, he would always make a quick comment about his girlfriend right after.

That does demonstrate a guy that is either unsure or trying to make you jealous, or warn you he can't have anything serious with you. 

For instance; once he had remembered I liked a specific type of music so he put that music on in his car when giving me a lift to work and then he said in a very clumsy way that his girlfriend had just bought the cd for him.

Trying not to look too obvious, so he makes an excuse! 

And the next month he offered me  the same cd for my birthday... this sort of thing happened very often during the year. I would tell him where I had planned to go for my holiday and he would go there at the same time but with his girlfriend...

What?  Now that is seriously freaky.  I suppose you give him ideas about where to go, but really the same time as you as well, that is just odd.

Don't you think it's a strange way to behave?

Yes, almost like he has an unhealthy interest in you. 

What analysis do you make of it?

Reply by yuyu 30.06.08

I'm back to you again, because I need some more advice.

I don't know if you remember it all but in my last message I told you about the text message I had sent to the colleague I like. He had replied that he had no intention of playing and was sorry if i got hurt, that he didn't mean to cause me any harm...

I had replied " no comment" and had no answer from him after that, which you thought was normal.

Yep, there's no way a guy can think of any reply to that.

Well, I have finished work and I am on holiday now so I felt so bad about the whole situation that I decided to send him a mail. I just told him that I was sad to finish the year like that, that I really liked him but needed to know what was in his mind if he really wasn't playing any game. I also said I noticed he would always be very quiet about his relationship with his girlfriend when talking to me but that it seemed very serious if he planned to join her next year. I said I would be grateful if he answered my mail and be honest with me.

He did reply. I was expecting him to give me a similar answer (to his text message), in other words I thought he would apologise again and tell me that indeed his relationship was very serious...

Well, in fact his answer was very short, he just replied : " we could have a coffee together next week if you agree"

This sort of suggests that he wants to entertain the fact of going out with you at least by seeing what it's like having a coffee with you and then make a judgement about whether he likes you enough.

I did not expect this and I really appreciate that initiative from him but I'm also a little bit scared to face the truth.

Well the truth is better than wondering for another few days or decades.  It might hurt in the short term but in the long term at least you can move on.

Even if it's difficult to anticipate what he's going to say ( it could be negative and positive)what do you think of his reaction.

I think if he'd had anything uncomfortable or negative to say, he would have played it safe and texted or emailed you about it.  Then he would have avoided thinking how to tell you and what if you get angry or start having a go at him or get emotional about it.

don't you think that someone who wasn't interested would bother asking me out for a coffee?

No, particularly if you were staing you were interested.  The problem is he might see you as a short term potential, while his girlfriend is away, he could build up a relationship with you.  There could be two options there, a short term relationship where he can have companionship and sex before he goes to live with his girlfriend or a relationship that will suss out whether you are a better option than his girlfriend.

What do you think I should do?

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