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My opinion as a Friend
Copyright 2006-2011. Please note the content of this site is my opinion only. My opinion should be treated like an opinion of a friend, it could be right it could be wrong.
He's giving me mixed messages PDF Print
Written by Angel1983   

Almost a year ago (May 2005) on a night out with some friends, I (22 at the time) got chatting to a friend of my friends boyfriend, I'm not sure who spoke to who first? (We'll call him John!) I was instantly attracted to him (26 at the time) and we chatted for quite awhile. To be fair, we were flirting with each other, even though at the time we were both in long term relationships. I had been with my boyfriend for just over four years and he had been with his girlfriend for about seven years. I was later told by my friend that he liked me and that he had asked for my mobile number, although she didn't give it him. Every time we saw each other since, there was a definite chemistry between us. He would even text his friend, my friends boyfriend, if he saw me out, telling them we had been chatting with each other. On one particular night, he tried kissing me, but I didn't let him because I had a boyfriend and he had a girlfriend.

Good that's how it should be. Shouldn't mess around when you are already in a relationship unless you are both so unhappy you want to finish the relationship. Better the devil you know, than the devil you don't theory. Though that decision would probably stop him fancying you completely. As soon as a woman declines a bloke, he immediately builds a picture in his mind, that she wasn't right for him and she wasn't worth it anyway, and their are plenty more women out there. Even though a man never shows it in public, it really does hurt when a woman declines him, even if the reason is a decent one.

At the end of September/beginning of October (2005) I split up with my boyfriend. However, my reasons for doing so had nothing to do with John. I was later told by my friend that John had also split up with his girlfriend. After a night out, I went back with John to his apartment, who he shares with his friend, something I have never done before! It had been three weeks since I split up with my ex-boyfriend and not even a week since he had split up from his ex-girlfriend. We were definitely at ease with each other! We opened up to each other, the conversation flowed, they were no awkward moments, we laughed, he was lovely! All good signs I thought?

His reasons for splitting up with his ex-girlfriend were because she wanted to settle down, i.e. move in together, get married, start a family, etc. and he didn't.

Men don't like to commit to marriage too early. Men like their independence and when you get married you have that taken away. He obviously didn't like this girlfriend enough to want to marry her yet, and she was obviously pushing him too far, too fast.

He is also planning on going travelling later this year (October 2006, I think?) with his friend, and he didn't want to get her hopes up by proposing to her in case he met someone else. For the next couple of days we text each other, although he was upfront with me and told me he didn't want to lead me on, in case he got back with his ex-girlfriend. Later that week I gave him my new mobile number and that was that! Later, my friends boyfriend told me John didn't want to start a relationship with me because it was too soon after splitting up from his ex-girlfriend and he didn't want to hurt me when he went travelling.

That's a good thing, he sounds like a caring man, even though earlier you mention he tried it on with you while you were both in relationships.

Whenever we saw each other from then on, it was much the same. Although when we do see each other, he's always with his group of friends and I'm with mine, I still feel there is a definite chemistry between us. All the signs are there, unless I've been reading them wrong, i.e. he often makes an effort to get my attention by being 'the centre of attention', and once he has my attention he smiles and briefly holds eye contact. When we occasionally chat (and its usually me who initiates the conversation), he often kisses me on the cheek and touches me unnecessarily, for example, on my waist when he's going, etc.

Holding eye contact is not a definite sign, because close friends do that, but together with the other things you have said, I think it is safe to presume that he likes you.

A couple of weeks ago (April 2006), I heard he was taking part in a sports event and so I sent him a text, out of the blue, wishing him good luck. However, I forgot to say who it was from, but fortunately, he knew it was from me because he had kept my number! Good sign eh, or is it?

I don't see any reason why he would delete your number, you haven't done anything wrong in the past.

For the last couple of weeks we've been texting each other. Admittedly, I've been the one sending the texts, but he always replies them, and when he doesn't, which is very rare, he apologises. When he does text me, he always texts me something that requires an answer, which means I have to text him back and, he always puts a kiss at the end of every text he sends me! I thought these were good signs?

Yes that is a good sign. Men very rarely initiate texts unless they are interested, but if he replies most of the time and asks you questions that is a good sign. He's not trying to get rid of you.

But ...

When I saw him out at the weekend, the first thing he did when he saw me was stick his tongue out at me?!

Was this just a joke, men are known to make jokes like this.

As you can imagine, this took me by complete surprise, so when I saw him again, I ignored him. That night, I text him, something along the lines of:

'I realise you're only being polite replying my texts, and obviously you don't feel the same way about me, as I do about you, otherwise we would chat properly in town face to face. I got the wrong end of the stick, sorry. If by any chance I'm wrong, you've got my number, text me!'

Over-emotional text message, will scare the hell out of any man that receives it. He will not know how to reply to this one even if he does fancy you. It will also give him the creeps a bit, because it sounds as though you think you had something going with him, even though you didn't yet.

Needless to say I am VERY confused! I'm getting mixed messages and its driving me crazy! Please can you explain why he is acting like this? Do you think he likes me?

From what you said earlier it sounds as though he liked you. But bringing things into context. Why would you not want to see someone who you really fancy? Even if you are going away somewhere and don't want to hurt someone. It sounds more like he was making an excuse now, for you not to get too attached to him. If he really did fancy you enough, then he would be going out with you now, irrespective of whether he has just broken up with his girlfriend and irrespective of whether he is going away.

Mixed messages are exactly that, you shouldn't be giving mixed messages to somebody you adore.

I think you should move on, because this guy is just going to continue messing you about. It maybe that he did fancy you, but at some point has changed his mind, it maybe that after having a disastrous relationship with his girlfriend he needs some independence now, it maybe that this text you sent him has given him the creeps completely. Anyway, my conclusion was this was never meant to happen, and he does not fancy you enough (even if he does fancy you in some way), to take the decision to go out with you. So move on.

I forgot to mention before that when I text John to wish him good luck with his sports event, I mentioned that I wish I could be there to cheer him on, and he replied telling me I will have to come and cheer him on next time!

That was a positive sign, but the situation has changed since then.

Reply by angel1983 on 22.04.06

Thank you for your prompt reply. I have taken on board what you have said. However, whilst I was waiting for you to reply my message, I realised that the 'over-emotional' text (16th April) was a BIG mistake, so I decided to text him.

Over emotional text messages can seriously put men off, particularly if it's in the early stages of a relationship or before a relationship exists. In your case, I don't think it was that big a mistake, because I don't think this guy has any long term potential for you, so whether you sent it or not, I don't think you can find any long term commitment from this guy.

After texting him a couple of times without receiving a reply, I thought I had blown it, but fortunately, he replied the last text I sent him (21st April) in the same way as usual.

What should I do now? Should I still move on, like you suggested, or should I continue to text him? When we're texting, I'm hoping he is texting me because he fancies me, rather than liking me as a friend, how can I tell the difference?

If he wants anything more than a friendship, then he should be making an effort to see you. It is blatantly obvious from that text you sent the other day, that you want more than friendship, but he is just not biting. The way I see it, is he is not making an effort to get to know you, so I don't see the point in you making an effort. He may fancy you a bit, but it obviously isn't enough to value you as a long term relationship potential, because otherwise he would have made more effort with you. He might be trying to keep you sweet or he might be just being polite or he may just want you as a friend (though I think that option would be unlikely). So I think you are wasting your time, if you want a long term relationship from him.


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