| How can you tell if a guy really really likes you but is intimidated by you? |
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| Written by day dreamer | |
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Hi Sam I have a crush on this guy who I "thought" was interested in me. However, after having met me now for i think 1.5 yrs, he never asked me out. So I am confused.
When we first met, I am his client. We locked eyes and I believed we connected.
Hmm, so there is invested interest in you, if you are his client.
Then he took me out to lunch (as a client), just him and I which his company paid for I guess when my firm first became their client. We had a nice 'get to know you' chat.
Then every time his company had a seminar or work drinks (which wasn't that often), he would make it a point to make sure I knew about it and asked me along saying he would love me to attend. Was this a way to find an excuse to meet under the guise of a 'work function', or him being polite sales guy?
It could be either really!
I am in a good job that pays relatively well, and have an office of my own which is kind of rare these days unless you're deemed very senior. I have also been told by some of my friends and ppl that have met me that I come across as being pretty independent and a "free spirit". I have had some brokers call me really pretty (tho i'm sure there are others who don't agree...). I’ve also had guys ask me if I worked out or not as it looks like I do apparently. Whilst I actually don’t and when I tell guys this they seem surprised, does this mean they think I have a good figure? Anyway, I wonder if all this comes across as being intimidating to him?
If guys persistently comment that you have a good figure, then to them you really do have a good figure. Ok, you might get the odd bloke that might slip you a compliment for another reason, but when multiple guys are commenting, then I think you can conclude you have a good figure.
Good looking women can be intimidating to guys. It makes some guys feel as though you are superior to them and as a result they are incapable of making a move. Yes they worship you, but they don’t see the point in asking out a woman that is probably too popular to get a date with, never mind hold onto.
At the beginning when he had a reason to drop by my workplace, he would always drop by my office to say hello. However, after he finished doing what he had to, he didn't really have an excuse to drop by anymore so whenever there were client work drinks he would let me know.
Earlier this year during one of his client work drinks he told me he got a job offer to go o/s with his company which he was thinking about. I told him that it sounded like a great opportunity for him (but deep down I was disappointed but felt if I said anything less I could be seen as someone standing in his way). And I would hate someone to ever say I was the reason for halting their career or something...
I agree, I would be the same with any woman too.
When he left, he didn't even bother to say goodbye. I was hurt that he had not thought I was worth saying goodbye to but (and this is an excuse) he was pretty busy trying to pack and didn't get a break from work between shifting from here to there.i.e. left here friday, started work in the new country on monday - but still if i guy really likes you, I think he'dve made the effort to say something.
Guys hate saying goodbyes. They don’t know what to say and they fear being emotional and fear other people being emotional. Guys like to make a big entrance, but they hate making a big thing about leaving.
I happened to recently go on holidays where he now works and i told him that i was dropping by his country and asked if he wanted to catch up. He said sure however, we didn't make plans as to where or when before and I wasn't going to be contactable via email so when I left I though "oh well" - I did try.
However, when i got to the country where he now works, he managed to find my cell number and contacted me. He asked if I was free to catch up for lunch sometime during the week I was there. I responded by saying lunch or catching up after work would be fine. But he said after work was difficult as he had a lot of work related and client stuff on so lunch was really only time. I wasn't sure if he was genuinely keen or not so I told him he sounded really busy with work so not to worry about catching up at all as it would inconvenience him.
Don’t be silly, you accept what he says. He was telling the truth and just telling you the reason why he couldn’t make it after work. There’s no need for you to dumb down, you just put yourself in an awkward position and appear as though you are spitting your dummy out.
However, he was really insistent about catching up for lunch, so I thought given he did go to the trouble of finding how to contact me and making time for me I should make the effort so we caught up for lunch. When we met for lunch, he greeted me with a kiss on the cheek (I guess not hugely unusual these days). He asked me where i would like to go so I said somewhere with local food so he took me to a great foodcourt area with loads of choice which I loved. (we paid our own meals)
He also invited me to a client event for one of the evenings I was there and was pretty insistent about me going - saying I was really the only client he knew there and he really really wanted me to go. I wasn't really keen on going at first, but then after meeting him for lunch I decided to go.
on the afternoon of the client function, he texted me to check if i was still going. I told him I was.
That evening, I was running late and he texted me about where I was. Then I told him I was lost and wasn't sure about directions there. Given he didn't know the area well either he told me that he had asked a number of people for directions to give me.
I finally made it to the event after asking a whole bunch of people. He greeted me with a kiss on the cheek and opened with a teasing joke (which was to deliberately provoke me so I gave him a little punch on the arm!).
Anyway, the client event was fun as I met other people there too. It seemed he tried to introduce me to as many people as he could. Whilst he did chat to a number of other people without me around (assuming other clients), looking back, he essentially spent most of the evening chatting to me.
At the end of that client event, I thought he was dismissing me by saying the event was over as most of the clients were rolling out, however, he called out to me to wait up for him as I was leaving with the rest of the herd.
So after the event he and I spent some time walking around and chatting and teasing each other and laughing just by ourselves for maybe half and hour to an hour (I didn't really check the time). When we stood, we were at times at very close proximity to each other and I occassionally touched his arms when I teased him.
Whilst I wanted to stay out all night, he looked really tired from a long day at work (and I guess a rather long week) so we walked back to the station together. As my train stop was before his, I got up to leave and said goodbye as this was the last time I was going to see him before I left the country (he didn't invite me to anything else during the week either but he did say that week was a nightmare work week). Just as I was turning away and moving towards the train door, he made it a point to pull me close to him (he pulled me from on my hip/waist) and he kissed me on my cheek before saying goodbye which surprised me.
Yes, he is interested!
I walked to the train door and we waived goodbye to each other.
I debated about whether to text him as I have been told that women should only text men for emergencies only. However, in the end I did text him saying I had a good time and thanked him for a good evening. He said I was welcome and to have a safe trip back.
There is nothing wrong with texting a bloke to say you had a good time. It’s genuine, honest and nice. Yes, men don’t like women that want to over communicate, but sending one text is not over communicating.
Against my better judgement to leave it at that, I then texted him saying I wished my trip was longer and told him to come visit me.
But he didn't reply to that last text.
That was maybe a text too much though. As you say you should have left it at that.
I am disappointed he didn't text back to that last message. I guess I came on too strong with that last msg?
Not necessarily, but really it was one text too much, it was one nice message, followed by another similar message. It was also a dead end text and he wouldn’t have known how to reply without just acknowledging what you said. And he would have probably felt he didn’t know you well enough to acknowledge yet again with something nice in reply.
But I didn't want to leave without giving him some encouragement. But I guess that was a mistake and now I feel foolish?
It’s not necessarily going to spoil your chances, even though it was a text too many. The thing is if you have now left the country, there is little point in him pursuing you and putting himself through the agony of not being able to see you.
I am confused. How can someone seem to connect with you but he doesn't ask me out after all this time? And the fact that he didn't reply to my last text I guess it means he's just not interested right?
I wouldn’t say so. That last text was a dead end text, it was something similar to the previous text and he probably didn’t feel comfortable replying to it or probably couldn’t think of anything to say in reply. It seems to me like he has been asking you out and that clinch of your hips on the bus was maybe a leak about how he feels. However there is little point in dragging himself through the agony if he’s in a different country to you. If he returns to your country, I wouldn’t put a bet on something not happening, I’d be more likely to put a bet on something happening.
How can you tell if a guy really really likes you but is intimidated by you?
It doesn’t sound like this guy is intimidated by you. After all, he invites you to parties pretty freely. If he was intimidated by you, then he would show signs of being submissive and a little weak with you on occasions, he’d be nervous and I mean noticeably nervous.
Whether a guy is intimidated or not, if a girl indicates interest in him, doesn't that then give him courage to pursue her?
Not necessarily, he usually needs to lose the feeling of being intimidated. Usually a woman has to make herself vulnerable in some sort of way to make him feel like a man again. For example telling him about a body defect or telling him something about your life that makes you feel vulnerable.
How can you tell if a guy is just being nice but not interested?
You can usually tell by his attempts to impress you. Usually guys will try too hard to impress a woman and will only talk about the positive sides of their life. They will show off or attempt to show off!
Do you think I'm miss-reading all these signals and that he's just a nice guy but just plain not interested in me - afterall, we were in the same country for at least 1.5 yrs without him ever asking me out on a date?
That could have been the client relationship. It seems strange that as soon as the client relationship ends, he has the courage to kiss you a few times and place his hands on your hips.
or do you think I am right to be confused?
At this present time I think you haven’t had enough consistent contact with him outside of work. Therefore I don’t think he would have indicated he fancied you. I just think it’s too early to say he is or isn’t interested. I know you say, you’ve known him for one and a half years. But that was on the basis of business meetings. It does seem suspicious how he gets touchy feely, as soon as you are outside this role of client.
Reply by day dreamer 29.06.10
Hi Sam
Thanks for your reply. Following your reply, could I trouble you to please provide me with more advice?
In a way, I am dreading your response as I am hoping in my heart he genuinely likes me but fear that you will tell me otherwise. And, yes I know, it's still really too early to say for sure.
I have had a string of guys ask me out in the past, and the majority of them have generally asked me out after having met me only once. I don't know what kind of ground I stand on with a guy when he doesn't follow this kind of 'formula behaviour' so to speak, and this guy definitely doesn't follow this formula. I know everyone's different, but is this a bad thing? Afterall, don't most guys check a girl out within the first few seconds to establish interest or not?
No! What you are talking about when you say guys have asked you out after only meeting once, suggests to me that those guys thought there was a risk of not seeing you again. Therefore they had nothing to lose by asking you out. When guys ask you out in this instance, it’s because they like the initial impression they have got of you and would like to get to know you more to decide whether they like you a bit more.
In my opinion love at first sight is a myth. True some people spot a person like them from the first sight and then go on to have a lasting relationship. However for the majority of people that doesn’t happen, which means love at first sight only happens to a minority of people.
What I say is first impressions last. By first impressions I mean the first half a dozen meetings with someone. Those are the important times and the deciding factor about whether both people are right for each other.
Most guys do check out a woman within a few seconds but that doesn’t make a guy fall madly in love with a woman. What makes a guy fall madly in love with a woman is when he gets to know her and becomes addicted to seeing her. That progresses him towards falling in love with her. Actually falling in love with a woman is a big step and if you take the real meaning of love, it’s when a guy decides that he wants to spend the rest of his life with a woman and couldn’t imagine a life without her.
How many times does an average guy generally meet a girl before deciding to ask her out?
It depends on the circumstance, if he’s in a nightclub and there’s a chance of not seeing her, then generally he will ask her out the first time. If he’s working with her, then generally it will be a long time getting to know her. He has the time to decide whether it’s a good idea before asking her out, he has the luxury of getting to know her and spending time with her before deciding.
(so beyond that I should take it as non-interest/ fading interest / extenuating circumstances...)?
The longer things drag on without any contact, the less likely he is crazy about you!
What made you think he is "interested" in me? were you speaking in terms of his actions collectively or one particular thing?
Much of his meetings with you have been business meetings, during those meetings he had to keep things professional. As soon as that professionalism ended, that was when he started to show interest in you, that is almost like he’s been trying to suppress his interest in you, now there is nothing to lose. It is almost like the start of him showing interest in you. You have neither persuaded me that he’s definitely interested but I’m more inclined to say that he is interested from what you said in your last message. The comments about you being good looking, the grab on the bus was maybe an attempt to get you to turn around and kiss him or get touchy with him.
A friend of mine suggested I initiate contact with him and start making casual conversation - i.e. Hi how are you, was just thinking abt you type convo and try develop a relationship from there opening an opportunity for him to get to know me better etc... Personally, i would have thought guys would find this kind of contact creepy/stalker-like/silly (and could put the guy in an awkward position if he really isn't interested)? I make it a point never to go out of my way to say hello to a guy that I'm interested in because I have always thought a relationship really works best when the guy pursues the girl. What are your thoughts on these points?
I do believe if a guy is really interested in you and you haven’t give him a negative answer or negative vibes, then I reckon he will be in contact. Guys meet thousands of women each year and it takes someone special for him to go out of his way to make contact. The truth is though, you have to be someone special if you want to live a lifetime together. The risk of you pursuing him is that he’s not interested and that’s why he’s not pursuing you, or that he will become interested in you when really he’s just falling into a relationship with you and convincing himself he might like you if he gives you a chance.
Do you think it's possible for a woman to feel/ sense a connection to a guy, but the guy actually feel nothing?
Yes, it’s completely possible, both men and women make mistakes about the interest of the opposite sex. Neither sex truly understands the other.
The more I find out about this guy, the more I really like him. I wonder if he could even possibly feel the same way? When I look in his eyes, he always looks straight into mine and I have the impression from the way he looks at me, that he is interested in me. But he and I have always kept things professional given we have a working relationship to consider and he has never stepped over the line. It could be my imagination, but it's like his eyes are telling me one thing, but his actions something else. You think I could be wrong and that actions speak louder in men?
Eye contact is good, but it needs to be supported by other things. After all, I can easily hold eye contact with both my male and female friends. It’s a matter of knowing each other. Eye contact in the early stages is fairly important because it’s a big indicator of someone’s interest in you. Eye contact after you know someone is less of an indicator because that person is now familiar with you and will have to give you eye contact whilst in conversation. Actions do speak louder words and eyes in men!
There were a couple of other people (no-one this special to me) I met when I went on my holiday. And the first thing Monday when I got back to work, they sent me a msg saying hello and it was great to meet. By comparison, this guy hasn't sent any msg since I've been back. Given this, is it a sign of indifference towards me?
It depends on the time span and the impression he got after that bus incident. If he thought you were giving him the brush off after the bus incident, he would have been disappointed with himself and disappointed with you. Remember guys deal with actions rather than words more often. What you are saying about the messaging is right, but whether he messages you straight away or messages you in a weeks or months it doesn’t really matter at this stage, as long as he initiates the messaging. In a way those guys you talk about were more likely to take the risk of messaging you because they are less likely to see you ever again. On the one hand they want to keep messaging him open and maybe progress things on the other hand they know if you reject them, then the chances are they won’t have the embarrassment of seeing you ever again.
I can't understand why someone who dug up my details to contact me when i told him i was going over, was so eager to meet up with me there and kept insisting we meet up despite his busy schedule, who thought of opportunities for us to meet, who contacted me to check if I was going to show up, who contacted me if I was late to see where I was, but he doesn't do anything after i left. Aren't those actions contradictory?
They are, but then if you go over there again or he comes over to you, will he dig out your details again. Is it a case that he doesn’t see the point in contacting you if he can’t see you in person anyway?
Are guys very particular in the choice of their words when they text on their cell or chat online to women? I have noted in a number of his invitations to me, he has said "...I would love for you to come" which I think is so nice! And all his work invitations to me have been done via him personally /directly to me, never via a mass invitation which others generally give. Do you think I'm reading too much into the msg's?
The word love in that circumstance is an emphasis that he really really wants you to come. He didn’t necessarily consciously think that as he was typing it but may have been a leak from his unconscious brain that he really really wanted you to come.
What makes you think if he ever came back into my country that things would change and in your words, you would bet something would happen rather than not? He's still with the same company (thus I am still his client) and he was in my country for sometime without ever making a move before. What did you think has occurred between us from what I've told you that has been definitive enough to possibly change this situation?
It’s the fact that he’s starting to show signs, things are progressing slowly. Remember I said guys need slow but constant progress. He’s starting to show slow but constant progress towards you. It was everything you said, the whole picture which suggested it tips the balance towards him more likely to be in touch with you. I wouldn’t say it’s definitive in anyway, it’s just that if I was forced to bet, then I would bet on him being in contact.
If I ever meet him again, do you think I should do anything to signal I am interested in him without freaking him out given our situation or let it be?
You should just naturally react to the circumstances, guys like mirroring and if he risks showing interest towards you, then you show risk showing equal amount of interest towards him.
Since he's only just moved overseas, I don't see him coming back for at least 2-3 yrs so I feel like I almost have to kiss this whole situation good-bye cause he'd have plenty of opportunities to meet heaps of other women. (I wish guys would believe as much as I do that long-distance relationships can work and that it's not forever)
Guys are very practical and indeed that is why he knows there is little point in starting a relationship with you whilst you are long distance. You will be investing time into someone you can’t see and he will be investing time in someone he can’t see too. The chances are he will end up hurting you because he will be meeting loads of women whilst away and may indeed change what stage of his life he is at. Most guys don’t like to hurt women or lead them on, they just end up doing that sometimes by convincing themselves they might be doing the right thing (or by a woman convincing him a long distance relationship will work when deep down in his mind the message is it will never work). In this sort of circumstance the guy will be convincing himself that a long distance relationship would cause hurt to you and maybe even to him, if you meet someone.
I appreciate your generosity of allowing me to see behind the male mind. Thank you so much for your time.
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