Rightly or wrongly I flirted wi & really fancied this older, married guy I met 17 yrs ago. I didn't plan to do it, it just happened & think it took us both by surprise. He was a top lecturer in his late 30's early 40's, & I a single, v shy/n confident, mature female student in my early 20's.

It was obvious to me he liked flirting/encouraging me, going by the positive body language I received from him during 2 yrs study, that he felt something for me. But I found it difficult to believe totally that he really fancied

He's 17 years older than you and enjoys flirting with you, I don't think you it's debatable whether he fancies you in some way.  OK, it could be just for sex, but I doubt it.  Most blokes whether married or not wouldn't mind swapping their wife for a younger version.  The difference is some guys treasure their wife so much that they would not go ahead with it.

or would risk getting involved wi me (a lot to lose).

Yes, when he's married, he's going to have second thoughts about having a long term relationship with a woman, particularly if he is happily married. 

I part believed the motives for his behaviour towards me were not so personal -because of who he was/situation we met in:- older, married had a family, (but also rumours from male student who fancied me, saying the guy was also gay!)

Well, you can't really trust a guy who fancies you to look favourably on one of his competitors. 

besides successful lecturing career. But I still ended up falling for him, despite I found it difficult handling over-whelming feelings I had for someone before or anyone since.

Maybe it sounds a bit naive of me, but what would an older, successful man who is married & good career want wi me/continue to flirt wi me-

Sex, but he probably wouldn't have minded a relationship as well. 

a retiring mature female student( he was well aware of my nature) & was obvious to me he was trying to work me out or how my mind ticked desperately. But would my behaviour to/feelings for him be anything other than a diversion to him & not serious!

Ok, I wasn't always shy wi him. I was generally v shy wi most folk. But for some reason, I felt comfortable wi him. I argued & was a bit impudent wi him, esp at beginning cos he irritated & annoyed me- secretly thought of him as a pompous arse-hole! But my behaviour towards him seemed to appeal to him -he began to take more notice of me & seemed to really amuse him. I discovered I could personally wrap him round my little finger & when asking for anything he often bent over backwards to get it for me

Oh yes, almost like he worshipped you like a princess. 

or said 'yes' with little hesitation!

I hope whatever interest he had in me, it was deeper than just wanting a younger, attractive female for casual sex,

It's possible but for a guy who is his age, it depends on the state of his marriage.  Guys who value their wives will use you as a mistress, guys who have had enough of their wives are more than likely to see you as a replacement wife. 

although I know I cannot rule out the fact that it is generally an important quality to have that attracts all male age groups. Anyway, casual sex is not my style & am an old fashioned lass at heart. Although I can't help it or deny,  I have always fantisised about passionately kissing him & much doing more!

Also guys I've met since meeting the lecturer & up to marrying my husband & guys I've met after marrying, have tried it on. I've felt flattered, but nobody has turned my head to want to become more intimate, except the lecturer I met years ago.

That's probably because he was least likely one it was going to happen with, and therefore you see him as the most enticing one, you want what you are least likely to get. 

I do not regard myself as classically beautiful for a woman & admit slightly upholstered in places ( vuluptous to put it politely!). But I do have some redeaming features! He's no adonis either. But to me he is v attractive, he's also confident & successful -he could pick on anyone to flirt & make eyes at, why me? Although I never saw him behave wi anyone the way he behaved wi me while I was studying.

So you were special and he felt comfortable with you.

Also it has occured & concerned me greatly, the lecturer yrs ago could have flirted wi & sent me attraction signals, to perhaps complete any lecture objectives of boosting my ego/confidence wi retiring student but boost his ego also wi attention he was getting from me?

Ego was unlikely to come into it, a guys ego can be inflated by any number of things, in general it's not inflated much by a woman that he doesn't fancy.  It's more likely to be excitement, thrill of the chase, thought of sex with another woman, thought of sex with a younger woman, thought of a life with a younger woman.

And when he recognised/approached me years later after leaving education,(previous replys from you Sam, suggest he was making a pass/showing interest again but I didn't take a chance); could he thought years later I'd got over him,

He will of most likely thought that. 

& decided to approach me enquiring what I was doing now, & both of us got a shock discovering I still fancied him? Or vainly checking to see if I held a candle for him still wi no intention of doing anything about me?...

I doubt that, if he liked you then, he will like you now, you are still 17 years younger than him. 

I do not want to delude myself he fancied me more than just doing his job, when it was only feelings on my part.

Reply by 27.01.08 by angel wi cloggs on 

The lecturer guy I've fancied a long time, I suspect our actual age gap is 20 yrs +. And altho you give good advice Sam, thanx by the way for your all your advice, it's given me extra incite into male behaviour/thinking. But I'm not sure if the guy\'s excuse/reasons for putting off getting involved wi me, JUST because -age gap, younger vulnerable (past abuse) woman or we're both married.

I wonder for several reasons, if he isn't either afraid of losing his job,

Why would he lose his job?  You no longer study there?

or he might be bi-sexual, either in a gay marriage/committed to gay partner.

That's a possibility but I thought you said you knew he was married, in which case wasn't that a marriage to a lady.  Particularly if he was married when you used to be his lecturer.  Gay marriages have only been legal for a few years.

I noticed his behaviour altered (AFTER the time he approached me & stared at me/got turned on look), & I sent him a note to his college of work, NOT 1 yr later, when I dropped bombshell I was married & he quickly vanished.

Well if your married and you stated so, he's hardly likely to make a move on you. 

Perhaps not good idea to send note, I realise that now- I could have caused complications at work for him, frightened him losing his job, suggesting to other colleagues he likes to get too close to students (even if it was in the past)?

The fact that you told him you were married probably put him off, not that you sent a message to work, unless other people got to read it.

Would it be an issue now, a lecturer getting involved or developing a relationship wi an ex-mature student?

I don't think so.  An existing mature student, maybe, but ex, it would rule out thousands of people that he can't get involved with, which is just ridiculous. 

I would have thought not  but could be wrong. A college friend did tell me he once asked her did she ever get mixed up bumping into folk or forgetting faces, because he did. I think this guy is afraid that it will get out/gossip he came on to a student & creat doubt, so he's covering himself?

Again you are an ex-student, if it was in a few years of you leaving then it might cause some comotion.  But from what you said it's longer than that. 

He also seemed to suggest the way he said it, as tho I was to blame, or I/other folk come onto him, not other way around. I only have approached him on one occasion(since leaving college) & that was after the signals of interest & encouragement I thought I was receiving by him trying to attract my attention/approaching me to re-establish contact or show he was interested.

Also he's had several opportunities wi some contact over recent yrs wi me, if he was interested to know if I was free- he would have automatically, (if not obscured), checked my finger for a ring. Also one times when he saw me after many yrs walking wi (a man) my husband, it might have suggested I was involved, (unless he thought he was a sibling?) but if he guessed he was my partner/husband then, why try to get my attention several months later,leaning into my space, then approx 1 yr after approach me again but to stare & hold my gaze in v intimate eye contact as tho suggesting to me wanting something deeper?

He can't approach you when you are with your husband, but he can when you are not with your husband. 

This behaviour suggested to me, either he didn't know I was married or involved or knew & didn't care, but was testing to see if I was up for it.

Yes, could of been that, or he could just have been friendly. 

Thing is it's also occured to me, if he's had more personal resons for trying to get my attention/approaching me, he has taken for granted that I was free & not attractive enough that any man would have me?

I don't think men think like that.  Women of varying attractions are free.  Just because they are attractive in a woman's eyes doesn't mean they are not available.  Different men, find different women attractive. 

One thing I know, time & life does not stand still. Many yrs had gone by -did he think I was waiting for him to turn up back in my life & expect for me to be single woman or still be free for him?

Well, he would have wanted to find out that information by talking to you.

Going back to the intense gazing thing he did when he last approached me- from what I understand this level of gazing he did wi me/we did (& feeling just two of us in room for a moment) suggests this behaviour is only for lovers. Could he be/have been in love wi me, cos he kept pulling my eye contact back to him, like he wanted me to look & be comfortable wi level of intimacy between us.

A guy can not fall in love with a woman unless he's got to know her very well, usually after going out with her for a few months.  A guy does not fall in love with a woman based on seeing her at lectures and seeing her a few times around town.  It's just nonsense to suggest a man could fall in love on that basis.

He gave me a poker face, but his eyes are & always have been v expressive of emotion. Sometimes the style of eye contact he does, seems abit intrusive. He has a way of looking at me as tho he's staring into my v soul, leaving me feeling it's abit scary & feel naked here! What the hell does he think he's looking for? It is obvious he likes to look at me deep in the eyes & good at reading people & also I feel we both always seem to communicate alot wi each other wi heavy eye contact & not so much verbally.

Some men are like that, not many but some are, it tends to be the quieter men, they communicate with body language and eye contact rather than speech.

Also, how is it possible a man within a yr of showing attraction (dilated eyes) & other signs of attraction like gaze holding to a lady, to act/behaviour as tho he's not interested next time I saw him. When I saw him 1 yr later after he approached me, I had his attention I'd say approx 80% of time, but he turned away from me at one point/seemed distracted looking at other things, didn't smile although several times did look me in the eye knowingly the way I remember in past(if you know what I mean) but when aware he was starting to stare at me a few times, he kept breaking eye contact.

80% of the time is a lot, and you can only stare at someone for so long before you have to break off contact.  A man is naturally going to get distracted by other things, what matters is most of the time he was focused on you. 

But also I noticed when I made a joke, he wouldn't laugh at my attempt to lighten up or relax atmosphere between us.

If there were other people around, he wouldn't have been able to relax and might not necessarily have found your jokes funny, he may have been distracted by things happening around him. 

I can't put my finger on what is the matter wi him. But I have always had strong gut feeling & seen far too many examples of behaviour from him in past/present to suggest he does have some feelings for me.

The day I approached him, 1 yr later after he'd approached me, plain & simply I wanted to salvage anything from the last encounter if there was a future of a friendship/relationship wi him, when he had taken the effort to approach me before, & also I wanted to seek some closure what was really happening, or move on & forget him.

I was wondering, can eyes dilate if stimulated or excited other ways than just attraction ie, seeing ex-student & eager to know if I had been successful after college?

Seeing an object that they like the look of, e.g. woman or car. 

(By the way, the light in the room we were in had nothing to do wi his eyes dilating just in case your wondering!) His eyes dilated the moment our eyes first locked. This intense turned on/angry, what I also call 'doggy-dinner look' in his eyes, was actually what took my breath away & made me physically unable to get any word out to him, mostly because he made me feel shy & over-whelmed & also slightly threatened. I remember feeling so nervous I kept blinking alot at him & gulping -felt stupid like a school girl! 

Perhaps he's nervous about any obsticales/ethics whether to make a move on me, or he wants me to take responsibility & also me make a pass at him. Unless the fidgety body language I wintessed, when I approached him last time( he was rocking backwards/forwards, leading wi leg/foot pointed towards me, isn't as you say attracted to me & indecisive what to do next, perhaps he's afraid a straight girl might be about to make a pass at him- a gay guy & might get embarrassing? !

Gay guys are not scared of women, women are friends, whether they fancy making a pass or not.  A gay guy has absolutely no problem whatsoever approaching women.

Also the reason I am thinking if he could be gay/bi is that, I've been told by a female aquaintence who I hardly know, said she had seen him years ago act camp/flirt wi a male colleague, & is making me think are clues to his sexual leanings- suggesting he likes a bit of both! If it's true, he flirted wi this guy, it's possible he done it wi other men too at some point, but has also flirted & shown definate attraction signals to me. For this reason, he seems to me to like to flirt & be attracted by both sexes- I think he's bi & that is why I keep getting mixed attraction or hot & cold signals from him -he could possily be not free & be in a gay marriage but in actual fact (guessing) bi-sexual man????

I may be reading between lines toom much here. I've been told that he's  married. But I understand since 2005 ???, the law has changed as regards marriage. Also I have seen a recent picture of him & he does not have a ring on the wedding finger but index finger on same hand.  I'm not sure, but perhaps this is an indication/declaration of a gay marriage, not straight.

Don't know about that.

Usually if any red-blooded man who is trying to show he's attracted to a lady, I would have thought he couldn't keep away from her. He would either want to touch or invade her space at some point.

It depends, you are married so he will be very cautious about that, and guys don't tend to rush things with women unless they are only interested in sex.  

Ok for him, because of work situation wanting to remain professional & if he's a decent bloke, it may have been difficult to create too much intimacy/physical closeness.

Unless he really didn't fancy me or want to take relationship to next level?

But I have had the odd occasion I felt he gave a clue the guy wanted to get close/more intimate, were he has invaded my space at college eg, when talking he leaned in, stepped into my space while lauging, blushing & looking me right in the eye. But seemed nervous/afraid & stepped quickly abit further away again. (Sticky whicket possibly lecturer fancing student & unethical?).

There's two points, there is the fact that he was at college which would have made him nervous, and the fact that he doesn't know whether you fancy him.  Don't forget there is a big age difference.

Also when he saw me kept want to come up & talk to me. Although last few months he avoided talking to me & felt he was trying to make me not like him, abit abrupt wi me on occasions when he had never been like that to me compared to all my time of study.

Also last time he approached me, he stood closer to me than yrs ago at college & saw his eyes dilate & checking my bod out. Things I never saw him do at college.

Seems tho, since the time when he approached me & several weeks later when I sent him the note, & 1 yr later, his behavior has changed or acts he doesn't want to talk or interested. I'm not sure if he's avoiding having to telling me something. Sometimes when seeing him driving round, he looked at me when he thinks I'm not aware he's there or I'm looking at him. When I look, he looks away nervous/embarrassed. This is not like him.

In the past he's always been v bold about eye contact wi me. Other times over recent yrs since that time he approached & stared at me, he's not looked/refused to look at me, but it's obvious he knows I'm there & he bites his lower lip. I sense wi this body language, (unless wrong), that he has regrets, feels guilty or holding whatever emotions in check.

Yes, most likely frustrated about something. 

A female friend of mine has a theory that she thinks (the time when he approached & stared at me then slowly walked away), he was avoiding either letting me down easy or telling me e.g. possibly gay in gay relationship but got cold feet. But my friend doesn't know him or has ever seen us how we act wi each other. If he was letting me down easy or didn't want me to want him back, why seem needy for my attention or keep looking at me as though at that time, he wanted me to call him back? If he discovered I still had feelings for him after all this time & he didn't, why didn't he just turn & quickly walk away from me, without a backwards glance?

Because he wanted you to call him back.

Also Sam you made me think about one of your last replys to me, that if he knew about my reasons for shy/lack assetiveness being past abuse, he would intiatially be trying to boost my confidence but also feel protective/father figure to my vulnerable nature & also find it attractive, & most likely find it sexy enough to expect something in return. This had never occured to me he would single me out to this extent more than other students at that time, or that he'd might have seen himself as my personal protector!

I think the theory of any indications has been distroyed, of him displaying fatherly feelings towards me later on, after inital stages of contact/flirting. Mostly he DID NOT look at me like I was his daughter. More often than not, he clearly looked at me as tho he was fascinated/showed respect for a young, attractive woman.

One last thing, correct me if I'm wrong on this Sam, (when I explained apart from marry/intimate wi husband have not had urges to want anyone else),that I thought you were suggesting I didn't have serious enough feelings for this guy, being most unlikely to have him, or are you saying just generally people want what they can't realistically have?...

I always say that people generally want what they can't have,  it's like a castle of mansion, even if you have 10 castles and mansions already, you still see one that you can't have, because someone owns it. 

I also think Sam, that this guy knows full well how I feel about him & how he effects me. Everytime we see each other or in same area we seem to be aware of each other. I want to move on if nothings happening here but don't know how to begin.

Nothing is happening.  You are married and you should be concentrating on your marriage.  Although he is showing signs of fancying you and probably does fancy you, there is a lot to hold him back making a firm move.  Then you hardly see him.  Therefore this is just going to drag on for ages for you, so it's pointless putting yourself through that. 

I also don't know how to behave when I do see him it -it hurts seeing him & trying to ignore he's there. But just in case he wants to talk to me, he's got to approach me now. I won't go to him.

Just be normal with him.  If he approaches you fair enough, if he looks at you smile.  Just treate him like you would treat anyone else you know.

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