I've had a career change in last 9 months & enjoyed the different issues & challenges I've had to deal with. However over the past few months, I've been working with an  older black, married guy who I've worked with on & off & who I suspect fancies me. I am married also.

I think that only proves you don't need to be considering this guy, he's married, your married, need I say anymore. 

Myself & this male colleague work & get on well together. Since very early on when we met, we both found it easy to talk or began confiding to each other, even though, I've noticed his conversations with me often eventually turn suggestive/sexual in nature!

Like he wants to have sex with you and he's imagining it.

We seem to be regularly on the same wave length & of similar intelligence. Though I feel now he's become more attached to me & wants to get physical. Or is building up to try seducing me into bed.

If he's making suggestive comments I reckon your right, he is building up to bed time. 

I feel recently, he always checks my reactions for signs of interest in him:- picking up if I get slightest bit jealous when he's talking to other women colleagues, how I react if he drops out hints to do me favours ie: picking me up in his car (outside of work time), trying to get my t/p number or ring me at home, & often making daft excuses to phone me when not working with me. He says he likes working with me, & has made compliments or has noticed things about my appearance as though I feel he's doing alot of studying!  I have caught him once or twice checking my figure out (boobs) & he stares into my eyes. He always asks my personal opinions on various things, as though he's trying hard to get to know me. Also there has been a few times when handing me a brush or somthing with a long handle & he's still managed to touch my hand. He's also often drops major hints out to me about our work relationship, as though he thinks it's sort of special.

You are good spotting all these signs.

I've told him I won't betray or be unfaithfull to my husband with another man. He may think that I am playing hard to get & not being honest. I have never fancied black men. I just want to remain friends & don't have any urges to get physically intimate with him.

That's the most sensible way of looking at it and yes he probably thinks you are playing hard to get and will get into your knickers at some point if he keeps on trying.  I think you've read this situation well, yourself. 

Reply by pinkunfluffy 05.03.08

I mentioned to you a few months since about a colleague.

I sense this black, older married male colleague I work with occasionally, may still be interested in getting me into bed, although I have pointed out that I'm married & also don't want to lose my job getting involved with anyone at work.

He claims himself to be happily married, hasn't been unfaithful to his wife & doesn't want an affair. But has confided to me he likes a woman much younger than himself out side of the uk (who appears now to feel is too far away to get involved with) & also sometimes made comments about other women. I feel deep down that I can't fully trust everything he says about himself. I am more inclind to believe that maybe he is serially unfaithful with women and/or is suffering from a mid-life crisis ?!

Yes, I think your suspicions are accurate.  Whatever is the case there seems to be something that's a lie, whether that be the happily married bit, unfaithful bit or doesn't want o have the affair bit.  Why does he talk about another woman unless he is interested in the temptation?

When myself & this guy are together we often have very deep conversations, that do eventually turn sexual in nature. He doesn't make direct remarks about either personally fancying me or finding me attractive as a woman. Though I sense there is some serious flirting going off between us & we both don't openly acknowledge, I find it confusing when he asks my personal opinion (rather than generally) about female sexual preferences/views,female body language & occasionally suggesting to me possible interest towards him from other females.

He's trying to talk up how popular he is as a male, trying to make you jealous and realise that if you have sex with him, you'll be doing something that lots of other women wanted to do as well.  Talking about sex to you is no accident and asking your views is no accident, he wants to get sex into your mind, so he can get the chance to have sex with you himself.

He says he just wants to understand european female views on such matters. He may genuinely mean this. But if this is so, I fail to understand why he's not asking me these questions (most of the time) in a more general sense, & why does it always have to be me it seems he wants to ask? 

Every bloke wants to know what a female view on sex is.  If he has this key information then he can use it, not just on you but on other females.  The fact that he is talking to you about it is because he is comfortable doing so.  He's worked on you in the past about this issue and so he knows he can get away with having the conversation again and again.

I have noticed he seems more preoccupied & even often insistent, for my direct answer how I personally feel on matters of who & what I find attractive or sex etc. And when he casually drops into the conversation to me about he recieving interest from other women, feel he's attempting to make me feel jealous or gauge my interest in him?

Yes, I agree he's trying to do both.

He has occasionally made references to my appearance, esp recently, casually asking how I wear my hair when I get dressed up & go out, or even mentioned he would like to see what I looked like dressed up!

Hint, so shall we go out together, what do you think of that, he's putting the idea in your mind. 

Perhaps some men do ask women these questions without wanting to suggest any personal interest. But my gut instinct is telling me  I can't help thinking, why would a man ask these such personal questions, suggesting to me he has spent some time wondering about my appearance in other social situations?

You don't wonder about the appearance of someone you don't fancy.  You wonder and dream about people you do fancy.  You have turned him on sexually by talking about sex to him and he can't get you out of his head.

Also while talking I have noiced, he always mirrors the words & phrases I use, which I find slightly flattering & he's made references to other colleagues about my capacity to want to learn & been on occasions supportive career-wise, or dropped positive hints in our conversations together reflecting on my level of intelligence. I sense without him admitting fully to me, that I am on his mind more than he would wish to admit.

Yes, I agree, I just spotted that in the information you gave above. 

I have noticed my husband never gets brought up in conversation, unless I mention him. And the male colleague doesn't show interest/ask questions or appear to equate me as part of a couple.

That's because he doesn't want you to think you are a couple, he doesn't want to think of your husband or make you think of your husband when you are with him.  You husband is a barrier to him having sex with you. 

He also dropped out once casually to me in conversation, jokily commenting about company policy on falling in love with a colleauge! I was a bit taken aback & didn't know what to think about his remark what he was driving at why he would say it, & just laughed it off.

Well, he's again trying to see your reaction and also put ideas into your head.

He has also suggested to me that if he or any worker felt like getting involved with another colleague, outside of work time, he said it was nobody's business but their's, if done done discreetly.

Gosh, this guy is just so blatant, he's almost giving his game away to the point of saying it in plain english. 

Although I agree in one sense what he said- it is nobody's business, desite immoral, but I sense he said this to me for a reason, perhaps not ment directly towards me, but why would he want me to know how he felt on this matter, I don't know, if not to create an invitation for things to go further???

Yes, I think he's trying his best to get an affair out of you.  He's finding it more and more exciting and increasing his risk as time goes on.  He's pushing things further and further all the time.  So if you are not interested you need to be very careful.

Reply by pinkunfluffy 09.03.08

Something's have altered more recently wi the male, black colleague issue. Don't worry, I've not done anything daft or intend to...

But the male colleague since confiding to me recently he is leaving our company to start another job, he's repeated to me recently similarly to a few months ago, he's mentioned I personally could help his son wi a subject -(never mind at sametime asking ME, but says, HE might let me meet his son)!

I knew immediately the first time he said it few months back/recently, (him wanting me to meet his son), he was attempting to create an opportunity to lure me over to his place in privacy & away from the work environment, so that he could stage his conquest.

Yep, you've got him sussed, he's trying every game out there to get you into his den.

But I also felt annoyed the way he said it, 'HE might let me meet his son', that which we both knew he was really insinuating was entirely something else, & like he was doing me a favour, cheeky bugger!...

Is his son an adult?  Sort of a hint, your coming over to my place for my son and you might get to meet him but that's not my objective, I want you back at my place. 

I feel a bit sad he's leaving, but not enough to go to bed wi him. He's just a friend to me, & maybe a poor one at that!

I feel he is trying to be a bit of a smooth operator, attempting to seduce or make me deserve him!! But in my opinion, he is transparent wi his rather clumsy attempts to snare me. I like him to talk to as a friend ONLY- He's too serious & not sexy or cute enough, to allow him to take advantage of me. 

I explained to him when he mentioned about his boy, that I had a few things I could let him have, that I said I could drop into work. I don't see what I said or was doing anything wrong, encouraging such an obvious young, budding talent. But this does not mean I would do otherwise &/or directly agree to his father, I would meet his boy, having reservations for the obvious reasons -guys motives likely predatory than innocent, & I will not allow myself to be alone out of work time with this colleague.

He has also asked me again since, but this time more direct than before, how I would feel/think hypothetically if a colleague had fallen/loved me. I told him out right, that I felt they were just probably using a line to try get me into bed! He admitted that most men were always trying to get a woman into bed.

Well at least he's honest.

But I also felt after that, he could be just attempting to take the piss or enjoying some sick joke over me. I don't believe him. I think he wants a laugh at my expense or casual sex, either way he's after some fun from me, which I'm not prepared to give him, no matter how good a conversationalist he maybe to think I would be that easy.

Body language-wise, I've noticed, his eyes linger more on my figure now when we talk, & he blattantly appears not to care that I'm seeing him do it! He's making a conscious effort & open references to me to either gain my trust & me feel less threatened around him- saying he sits away from me purposely because he knows that is what I prefer, suggesting respecting my personal space, but perhaps would like to invade it??

Recently he's ended up closer to me than normally when talking to me but not too close or touching, then backs away again, & has begun posturing in front of me when doing so-  alpha male body language, hands on hips or when standing talking near me. He once rested a knee on a chair near me (legs slightly appart like crotch display!)

Yes, he is trying to demonstrate his alpha male traits to you. 

I've also noticed recently, he wears his upper clothing more open, attempting to reveal more flesh on view & one night I noticed he was making more effort to smell attractive, aftershave/body spray.

He constantly either paraphrases or mirroring almost everything I say when we are talking. He also seems to try to make me occasionally become angry & emotional when touching on sensitive issues he's aware I will react to. I feel he is pulling some psychology or mind games on me & don't trust him very much.

He hints or reminds me more about us being able to talk about various subjects & for hours on end.

He's trying to make you realise how valuable he is and what it might be like without him, if you don't agree to join him, then you could lose that, that's what he's trying to do.

I also feel recently he's laying it on real thick, checking whether he's making me jealous, suggesting to me about thinking about approaching some of the other female colleagues/friends I work closely with, & asking them sexual female views! Also he seems quiet interested, subtley trying to find out if other men/male colleagues have been recently interested in me or made passes. All these questions make me feel uncomfortable & feel he's trying to confuse me. I am aware what he's doing & don't like the way he's making me feel.

A friend of mine senses an element of grooming or real focused effort in his behaviour. I'd be curious to know what you think Sam, in all of his behviour.

He is trying to groom you and manipulate you.  He knows that he can get at women, by using feelings and making them feel as though they need him.

Reply by pinkunfluffy 10.03.08

More on the black, colleague issue.

While myself & the male colleague have become friends & got to know each othermore; I have been aware for sometime of a female colleague that the black colleague who talks to me also talks to. Despite the extra issue it proves to me, he is untrustworthy, desperately horny & systematically predatory sniffing out any potenial willing female surrounding him, to get it on with;

He's trying to drum up competition to try and make all you ladies jealous and pounce on him before the other lady does. 

I am also aware of that this female colleague who is very slim & attractive, is becoming increasingly towards me personally more competitive, comparing her attractiveness to mine & sublty putting me down, often recieving from her bitchy comments or her trying to wind me up.

When there's a competition for a bloke, a woman is more than likely to bitch.  It's just how things happen and you need to get on with it.  Hopefully neither of you will have to experience what he has to offer, because it's more than likely to result in something bad.

Even though I find her comments & behaviour very upsetting, I try to ignore this older female colleague & concentrate on my duties when she's around. But she keeps trying to have a dig or create opprotunities to give me grief, even to the point of trying to make me feel inferior, dismissing me as though I'm a nobody in her eyes, when I know she does know who I am.

I have also noticed lately she used to wear her hair different. But now she has changed it to a very similar style to my own, which this male colleague has commented about my hair previously to me. Perhaps I should be flattered I have made some impact on her in some way. They say imitation is the sincerest sign of flattery, (if I said the phrase correctly)!! But it seems to me maybe that her behaviour shows she see's me as some sort of threat to her, even though she attempts to come over normally as very confident.

I feel the female colleague behaviour maybe just general female jealousy which is normal, or personal insecurity & her problem & not mine. Otherwise I have strong supicions that this woman's behaviour maybe connected to perhaps the attentions I am recieving more & more from a certain male colleague? I can't help my nature, I am not competitive & bitchy. I am naturally very friendly & jovial with everyone.

I don't know particularly how women work, but I'd guess all her actions are to try and compete with you for this guys attentions.  If she does win, then she's likely to realise that she got a booby prize more than anything, because he does sound like the type of guy to use her for sex and then move on.

I don't know how to cope with this Sam, & feel I'm getting sucked in too deep with this situation. I want to remain friends with this guy & enjoy talking to him, but only that. But he seems to be thinking on a different level to me & what I want, & this woman is trying to complicate things also.

What do you think Sam? Perhaps I shouldn't worry or feel too concerned, afterall, the guy will be leaving soon, so everything might calm down eventually, hopefully!.....

I don't think you should be too concerned from several points of view.  First of all he is leaving, secondly you say you don't want him, thirdly the woman is more than welcome to have him because he's no use to you. 

Reply by pinkunfluffy 14.03.08

Since I last contacted you Sam, I have again recently seen this black, male colleague & sense he's still keeping the pressure on me to give in.

I asked him if he still wanted the stuff I have in mind for his teenage boy for this hobby he's interested in? (It's only laying around collecting dust & rather let someone else get use from it if I'm not going to). The Colleague replied, 'yes he was still interested in having them', but I also made it clear, I DIDN'T want to meet his son tho.

He said, 'that was ok', but I noticed he wouldn't look me in the eye & seemed to flinch & went abit quiet for a second- perhaps he was trying to hide hurt pride, penny dropped that I was not going to give him what he was after & entice me back to his place?

Yes you are exactly right. 

I think he knows, I think he's a bit of a wolf in sheeps clothing now, & either under-estimated me as a pushover or that I was gagging for it, even though he often hints about if a girl 'putt it on a plate', that he'd take it!

That's just a hint to you that if you fancy it and you try hard enough, he will give it to you.  In reality if you all you need to do is offer and he'll come running, you don't even have to try hard.

I think it is him who's gagging or it. I told him putting it on a plate for any man, is not my style.

He still keeps dropping subtle hints to me to suggest that he's become emotionally involved. (Perhaps he has, but I find i hard to believe he'd forget his wife or his out of uk friend so soon!)...

Nope, he will have those firmly in mind when he's finished having sex with you. 

I don't think he's being v original or creative when ever suggesting hypothetically colleagues falling for others. I'm not saying guys don't feel things deeply sometimes, but I'm more inclinde to think dubiously.

He wants to have sex with you, he may have deeper feelings for you but at the moment all he seems to be focusing on is the sexual side.

Ok, some men might be sincere, sometimes they aren't, & sometimes they get lucky & sometimes they don't. Guys pull this rubbish more often than not on us girls, to try get what they want. But to me it comes across as insulting to a girl's intelligence, that we don't know what they're up to!...

I suppose,'I love you' sells better, than saying, 'fancy a fuck or I just want you for your body'!

Recently the colleague found out a much younger guy at work has a bit of a crush on me. I am a bit flattered, but if anything more embarrassed, altho I have never encouraged him. But the black colleague has made a couple of remarks, suggesting to me that he understands the lad's really feeling it!

I wasn't sure how to take what he was saying, again thinking he might be playing wi my feelings, or whether using situation to tell me in a round about way, how he feels either past experiences wi women or over me?

It will be a bit of both, but also a hint.

I have noticed tho on certain occasions, when I sense he's trying to show some feelings, he won't look me directly in the eye, acts slightly uncomfortable & gets off the subject v quickly!

Moving off the subject quickly suggests that he doesn't want you to detect something about what he is saying.

However, this colleague's behaviour seems lately more confusing. He keeps teasing me about the boy who's crushing on me (esp if I blush & get embarrassed) & pushs me into situations more with him, because he says he thinks he's harmless; despite I have susicions the colleague may have ulterior motives or perhaps he's even a company spy!

But when certain older, larger, predatory men are around, (who the colleague knows I have concerns about or feel more uncomfortable wi), he's told me he won't leave me on my own with them, suggesting for safety reasons, or unless he may see's this as an opportunity to flex his muscles- show me his protective, possessive tarzan side?

Also lately he's flatteringly remarked on my figure, telling me he thought I looked like lost weight. I laughed & said I thought he was being polite (in other words lying & I could see right thro him!) He's also been flattering on the perfume I wear. He might be a horny toad & not v imagination, but I personally give him 10 out of 10 for persausion, effort & entertainment value, how he goes about trying to get me laid! 

It does seem as though he's trying everything in his book, to get you persuaded and I'm sure he's convinced himself that you will eventually crack, if he keeps trying.

He's mentioned more than once, that when he's gone, suggests I will be missing or thinking of him in a few months. But now he's actually gone further, hinting for me to go visit him in the location of his new job when he's settled. Besides thinking why would I want to do this, I also find this  confusing, how could he hope to get away wi me being there, expecting his family would be moving wi him from their present address to a place where & when he takes his new job?

If a guy wants sex, he will find a way, hotel, friends house or whatever.

I said, 'yeah & what would his wife think/how would it look to his wife, if I visited him?'... Baring in mind also, he hasn't thought if I visited him, what would my husband think too, unless he doesn't care what trouble he makes wi my hubby & me or upsets his own wife/family, as long as he gets some...

He probably thinks they won't find out, but if they do, he'll just try and make it up to them.  He sounds like a guy that can work his way out of any situation. 

He said his wife/family wouldn't be moving so soon wi him, due to commitments etc, & tried to make small, innocent remarks if I visisted, suggesting our sleeping arrangements would be seperate,(but didn't sense this conclusively), if you know what I mean !!!

Yes, they would seperate until you got there and then he'd get you fuelled with alcohol before persuading you to join him in his love nest. 

I was not fooled one bit, by the Cassanova? ! I strongly feel he's still after getting me on his own, so he can have his way wi me. Anyway I basically said I wouldn't be going all that way visiting him!

He\s also hinted to me, or told me stories about colleagues having sex at work. But when I've reacted negatively, he admitted they did eventually get caught.

Bit of an odd thing to say, maybe he was trying to produce an extra bit of excitement into the equation.  Like it's naughty to have sex at work, we might get caught, so that makes it a bit more exciting. 

He has also mentioned that if temptation is put in the way of someone often enough, that eventually they give in/take it.

That's what why he knows he can keep having a go at you, because eventually he believes you will give in. 

Unless he's warning me, he's going to get me or if it's not going to be him getting me sooner or later, someone else will!

He frequently talks about women turning possessive on men(unless speaking from personal experience)in affairs to me, knowing the arrangement the guy has a wife at the start.

He will know fine well, that if he has an affair with a woman, as soon as she's having sex, she will feel slightly more attached to him.  Whereas from the blokes point of view it's a bit of non-comitted sex and he doesn't like the woman trying to twist it round to the point where he has to show some committment to her.  So that's a warning of what to expect if you do have sex with him, he doesn't want you to get him to demonstrate committment. 

I'm not saying women don't act possessive. But lately I got a bit fed up wi his one sided conversation he was pulling.

I pointed out to him, that it is normally men who become obsessive/over possessive wi women, equally, if not more than women, & that when hearing stalking/rape on news or tabloids, men are often the culprits & can turn even violent, & he soon went quiet....

Both sexes can become obsessive, both sexes can become violent and both sexes can rape (women's method is usually to drug men just in case you are wondering!).  The difference is only women report it to the police or other people and even then it's only a minority of women that report it.  But it may seem as though women are always the victim, but believe me a lot of men are victims of all these things too, the difference is, no man dare report it.

Anyway, as far as I'm concerned, he's not getting anything from me, no matter what other stuff he pulls or if he fancies himself as a well seasoned campaigner!...

But I am concerned what is going to happen between us on his last day working wi me, if I won't give in? I would like to keep contact when he leaves, but as friends ONLY. On the casual sex/affair thing, I hope he's accepted defeat & will move on...

Reply by pinkunfluffy 23.03.08

More update on black colleague!

Since working wi him last time, & he confiding to me of leaving our company for a new, more professional job, recently the guy says he has concerns he'll get backword he won't get the job, on account of him being black, as he says he been let down before. He says if he's successful tho, he probably won't be based so far but still fairly local. But he said if he's not successful that I will probably be working wi him again!

Is he bragging or talking himself up?

I feel there is a strong possibility of the latter. Although he claims to have all the experience & qualifications, I have my reservations he could be lying about himself.

Oh, experience and qualifications for the job, I thought he was bragging about something else then, lol.

Also on the last few days working wi him, he's been acting different. I have my theories for his change in behaviour because he's leaving & running out of time getting somewhere wi me & have been expecting this.

He was behaving normal at first, talking wi me, open & friendly. Then I began to sense sexual frustration from him in our conversations, like general comments & hinting he's impatient about waiting for sex.

Then his conversations became more challenging in nature, & questioned me about my morals & ethical beliefs around sex, being unfaithful & having affairs, like he was pressuring me to give in. He tried to guilt trip me, suggesting indirectly I am being racist by not fancying or being attracted to a him, a black man.

He really is plugging you for some sex, he's not going to give in.

Other times, he suggests having certain things in common wi me & I recently caught him admiringly staring at my hair! He still tests or probes for jealousy wi me or competition against him & tries to impress me about his pro career & being a good person!!!

On last day working wi him, he deliberately avoided my company, I felt at first he might be angry or have munk on wi me & done mostly for effect -withholding/law of scarcity to try manipulate me & create dependency?...But after noticing at one point he seemed abit hurt I hadn't asked him to help/do a favour for me & kept over-reacting to any noise, making sure he was there to help & I wasn't alone if any incident arose, I thought he was maybe after attention- trying to provoke me into draw out any reactions to prove I might have feelings for him.

I think he was probably trying to get you to chase him, he was trying to make himself remote.  So he could be saying to you, I'm not bothered about you anymore, if you want the chance then you are going to have to chase me now.

But in last few days, he has become more physical, attemps to become intimate. 1st I discovered him caressing a part of his hand wi mine. I moved my hand away. Other times recently he keeps trying to restrict my space walking by him wi out making contact wi him, but I turn from him when passing.

He really is becoming a sex pest.

Then another time he touched my hand again & fore-arm. He apologised but we both knew it was no accident,  he was making a pass letting me know he wants me.

I forgot to include this, but one time he hinted at wanting to kiss me.

He's trying to put the idea into your head, to try and make you feel comfortable about the idea, but to also intrigue into thinking what it might be like.

He often suggests to me all women are the same, & that a man can say things to get a woman into bed. But I said in my opinion, (unless forced or under influence),other wise only if she was actually attracted to a man, to get talked into bed. 

Reply by 26.03.08

Other things I forgot to include what went off between us the last few days at work are, the guy avoided my company, when he first came to work, he was on his mobile alot talking in his own language . I heard my name mentioned a few times, & sensed he was telling who ever on the other end he was having a pretty heavy conversation wi, of his frustrations & guessed he was after ex-tips how to go about it- possibly I've have got him abit stumped or hurt his male pride/prowess he hasn't managed to get me??...

But I noticed also once we were alone, he seemed abit nervous, tho trying not to be & his body language was open, sensing he waiting for me to speak first. But I deliberately kept myself busy doing something else (ignored him slightly but kept any brief comments between us civil) & generally left it for him if he wanted to converse, he would have to create it.

I was well aware, I didn't want to give the impression to him I was desperate to grab as much remaining company wi him as an opportunity to talk or as I guessed him possibly seeing as a final opportunity to get off wi me, so I put him at a distance or created an emotional barrier purposely, so not to give him chance. Also esp after day before his challenging conversation about my morals & ethics surrounding sex etc & generally feeling pressurised, I sensed he was nervous about having another go at me because I basically stood up to him after he grilled me in such a fashion.

When he realised I wasn't going to talk to him first, he seemed to get the real huff on-stormed out of the room quickly like he seemed abit annoyed or in a mood wi himself!

At one point, while the colleague avoided my company, I received two odd t/p calls at v unsociable hours, either putting phone down when I answered first time, next time they kept on phone but never spoke(I got a heavy breather)! We don't usually get persistent calls of this nature at work & had a strong feeling it was this colleague messing about wi me, knowing full well his number couldn't be traced, due to a privacy service for incoming calls to our works phone.

On occasions when he returned to the room, he was distant & like he had alot on his mind but I still sensed some nervous energy, even tho he kept it polite. I think he was playing it cool & he was being shrewd, but I wasn't convinced of falling into his trap.

Other occasions when he did speak to me those last few days, he was asking me more stuff what I was into & I felt he was even trying to suggest I had somethings in common wi his wife. This sent warning bells going off in my head- either he was attempting to still playing his seduction game or maybe getting slightly obessive about me, so I ignored his comments. Also when he made comments about him leaving I kept my replys as impersoanl & indifferent as possible. I was very aware he was constantly screening me for my reactions or possible signs of weakness of feeling towards him, & ultimately caving in to him as he's been expecting.....

Also a few months back I phoned my husband while at work. The colleague had his back to me at that moment. I didn't think at the time how he might have taken hearing me coming out wi my endearing greeting, which was natural for me to say/behave wi my husband.

I looked up, noticing he turned round quickly & glared at me (mouth open), as I spoke to my husband on the phone. I was not attempting to make the other guy jealous. It was a natural thing for me to do contact my husband, being beginning of new year, as we are usually always together. The guy looked away quickly, I'm not 100% sure but thought I saw some disappointment when he realised I wasn't talking to him. I thought after it happened what may have gone thro the colleagues mind. Maybe he was thinking I was talking to him, not realising I was actually talking to my husband, until he turned round & saw me on the phone.

I think that was probably the case, but also men don't that fancy women don't particularly like a woman to flirt with other men.  It doesn't just make them jealous, it makes them feel sick.  Not that you should be that bothered about making him feel sick.

It has not been my intention to lead him on or tease him, if I have come across to him like that. I am finding it difficult to say how I feel wi out hurt his feelings, so have indirectly hinted several times I don't find him attractive, other than a friend/work colleague.

I felt comfortable talking & confiding to him like maybe a sibling or close friend, but it doesn't mean that I want a more physical intimacy from this man.

That's where men often go wrong.  They get very attracted to women when they reveal intimate things about their life, but the truth is women reveal intimate things bout their life to male friends too.  So men mistakenly think that if you reveal intimate things that gurantees you fancy him.  This is probably because on the reverse of the coin, men tend to only reveal intimate things to people close to them and they don't typically have many close female friends.  So those intimate parts of his life are only usually revealed to a woman he's been going out with for a while. 

I like him as verbal company only. To be blunt he has a few things against him why I would not consider going to bed wi him.

The main thing is, he's just not worthy of me- I know it would be just sex, he'd be using me & I don't want that at all. He wants remain wi his wife but want's a bit on the side, which I don't to give him. I don't love him & he doesn't love me, in the way my husband & me love each other.

That's brilliant, glad you think like that.

The colleagues a womaniser or a bit of a player. He may flatter himself he's a v good one, but from what I've seen of his repotoire tho very resourceful he's not without flaws- he's not very creative & has dropped some major, major clangers wi me & I've understood a few other women colleagues picked what he is also!

Also I don't find the colleague an attractive prospect personality-wise/character-wise, as much as my husband -I KNOW HE IS THE BETTER MAN.

Well you chose him to be your husband and you know him much better than any other man, so why change your man if your husband is making you happy.

Then there's the race thing, & if I seem racist on this, so be it -But I cannot ever imagine having a black man's hands on my body or allowing a deeper intimacy between us- it would feel extremely odd to me.

Reply by pinkunfluffy 06.04.06

Well it seems it's not quiet over yet, wi the male colleague issue!

The guy doesn't seem he's been successful getting the professional position he was trying for(I am not surprised)!

Or was he just blagging about it, when really it was never conclusive whether he was going to be successful. 

He's still working for our company, but now in another department, so I hope after this, I won't see him much thankfully, & he won't get as much opportunity to keep hitting on me!

However, over the next few days, he's scheduled to return briefly to our department & know I'll bump into him, but I intend to conviently avoid him, to the best of my ability. The woman who seems to have a problem wi me over the past several months, (possibly over this guy, I don't know), looks as though she has manipulated or arranged work schedules, conviently to be able to see him again. I do not think this is an accident!...

So she's scheduled him to be away from you and instead with her.

Also this woman who seems to have a v big problem wi me, her behaviour does not seem to be improving but escalating. It now feels much more like workplace bullying. I don't know what she's getting so worked up about- I'm not interested in her/what she does & she can have the guy if she wants him for THAT, cos I don't!

This is how guys like this win so well.  A woman thinks you are after him, so she sees that he has competition and therefore sees him as more attractive than he actually is.  She then bitches about you to decrease your chances because she has "women's intuition" (know to man as paranoia), that you fancy him.  Guy gets at least one woman at the end of it all. 

I wished she just left me out of it, that's all! I just enjoyed talking to the male colleague when working wi him -is that so bad? I never thought about whatever it is that's eating her or turning the issue into some kind of female contest, like she appears to want to wi me, unless it is a clash of personalities. But I doubt that. This is something v personal she is angry or isn't happy about.

Now it seems everything she says, does etc when I'm around, is geared towards trying to make me feel alientated in front of others, tries to use any excuse or bit of info about me to laugh/makes jokes about me in front of others, indirectly comes out wi bitchy remarks & her speciality trying to provoke or make me jealous & recruiting others onto the band wagon to try hurt me too. I have thought about talking to her about it, but why give her satisfaction that she's got to me, besides I don't want to talk such a nasty piece of work.

I really don't think I'm that bad a person to deserve all this. I sense when I'm around, she seems to be really focussing all her efforts on me to create a confrontation between us, maybe to get satisfaction of seeing me cry or make me give my notice. But I refuse to give in & be provoked into her stupid, petty girlie games. I don't ask for much out of life, except some peace maybe, even tho we all can't always have it. I am normally besides being an open, friendly person, I am quiet placid & just want to be left alone. I don't bother anyone who doesn't bother me first. But it appears this woman really hates me, goes out of her way to try get my attention, & makes no bones about letting me know it. Does this sound to you as a man, like this woman has a bad case of the green-eyed monster?

Yes! 

I have never before had this effect on another woman to be so demonstrative of showing her hatred/dislike!

If this is an example of what it means to be femimine or a woman, I feel ashamed of my own sex, & see this behaviour as an insecurity, completely pointless, boring & a waste of energy.

I do find this one of the less favourable points about women, bitching and making things into a soap opera. 

And feel I am being penalised or punished for something I don't deserve. I have thought on several occasions seriously of informing my manager about this, as I shouldn't have to work in such conditions. But I'm still deciding how to go about making them aware of what is happening, & if reporting it would make it better or worse for me.

Finally, I feel confused in all of this, I thought once the male colleague was mostly out of the picture things might start to improve, but evidently it hasn't. I am not aware of anything I've done wrong to her, except which she originally took upon herself to start wi me, & sensed since then she's had an axe to grind over me over something.

Women call it "women's intuition", men call it "paranoia".  She thinks she has the "women's intuition" to detect that you and your colleague have something going on, when really it is paranoia, that is just making her feel jealous of you.

On a last note, although this colleague has basically stopped working at our department, I get on wi & talked to other male, hired staff. Perhaps this is the problem, I may get more than she thinks I deserve of male attention & maybe in her eyes angry because sees me as unattractive, of receiving male attention? Thing is, I am happy & laugh & joke around wi all colleagues, male & female.

You are getting more attention than she is from the male colleagues, whilst that is happenening she can't get as much attention as she wants and therefore she needs to get you out of the equation one way or the other. 

What do you reckon is happening here, Sam? And could you offer any tips how to handle the problem- do I stop being myself or talking wi others, esp men, just to appease her & get her off my back?

Certainly not, you've got to do what you want to do.  The only real way to get her off your back is to either persuade her that you are not really that into them and are just friends and try and make friends with her.  But somehow I don't think you will really want to be friends with her. 

My confidence is really beginning to waver from the constant bashing it's getting....

Reply by pinkunfluffy 08.04.08

Well I managed to avoid bumping into the male colleague one day. But I sense he knew immediately what I did, as following day working, I did end up bump into him.

The following day when I bumped into him, I was traveling to work on public transport & discovered the male colleague was sharing the service as me- tho I didn't know, until he passed me as he got off the public transport. I noticed someone grabbed a seat handle near me & hesistated for a moment next to me. I was a bit surprised when I looked up & recongised who it was standing right next to me. I felt he was definately trying to get my attention & decided I wouldn't leave the service at the sametime as he was.

Good move.

Later in work, I got the impression a senior member of staff was letting me know indirectly that she knew something -like what, there is nothing going off between us, we just talk, no messing around!) She asked me what I thought about so-and-so & closely watched my reactions. I was surprised & felt a bit embarrassed wi her  direct question regarding this male colleague- I know I smiled & blushed, I couldn't help it. The guy is easy to like, but I just said I just enjoyed talking to him. Why does this guy keep popping up all over the show trying to get my attention & why won't folk leave me alone wi out eager to know what I think about him?

The senior colleague suggested I t/p him later.

She's trying to create a live soap opera, but also maybe colluding with him or trying to find out what your interest in him is.

But I thought better of the idea, that I prefered to continue put some distance between us, & if a trap, not be daft enough to be taken in by it. I am married, he is married, he is a black, work colleague & don't think he's worth loosing my job over him. Lots of good reasons why I wouldn't consider having an affair wi him.

I am suspicious the senior colleague is making it look like she's encouraging something wi us(she knows we are both married), to see how I'll react. I find it unbelievable a colleague condoning not only for moral grounds (us being married) but also encouraging close relationships to develop between staff at work.

There seems to be some ulterior motive there, it could be a good motive or a bad motive.

While I don't see any wrong in enjoying talking wi staff, even male, I sense a possible trap & getting into trouble if not careful. Either that, or I am wondering maybe, that the male colleague has confided to her that he fancies me, & the senior colleague is trying to find out how I feel about him for him?

Yes, that's what I suspected.  But it could be any number of reasons.  I think you are right to be suspicious and in any case, you are not interested in him and are married, so I think you should be honest and tell that.  Then maybe you will get him off your back. 

-esp now since he isn't directly working in our department anymore or at the moment. It has crossed my mind that perhaps these colleagues (male colleague & senior colleague) may think that it would be more acceptable if I & male colleague wanted to start something between us, that we don't closely work together now?

Yes, that's a possibility too.

Reply by pinkunfluffy 14.04.08

Recently I've had some disturbing news as regards myself & this male, black colleague.

Despite feeling wary & very confused as to the perhaps ulterior motives or hidden agenda of a senior staffs comments, about encouraging me to t/p the male colleague working in another department, (because they said we hadn't seen each other for a while, & also they asking me what I thought of him); I have been informed also by this senior staff there is to be some re-arranging of work patterns & staff, in the near future.

The colleague I was expecting usually to be working with this new change is unhappy working the type of work & hours, & it is common knowledge they are looking for another job elsewhere. I've been told, if this long working employee does leave, naturally there will be a position to fill.

It has now been suggested to me why a senior staff previously asked me what I thought of so-&-so (tho feeling defensive at the time), & may seem likely in the near future, that they have indicated to me clearly our company are seriously thinking of permanently employing this hired-in worker (at moment casually working in another department, who I've worked alot with & suspect who fancies me), as a regualar work partner with me! Yikes!.... I don't know if this is a blessing in disguise, or a nightmare waiting to happen!

I could not honestly say to the senior staff at the time, when they asked me what I thought of him, that he has been a bad worker, (even tho wasn't aware then what they were preposing) to prevent them considering him as a good candidate for the position & regularly working along side me. The guy is many things I could say negative, but he's not a bad worker for the position & would be unfair to him to bad mouth him other-wise.

Despite what I said previously of him trying to persaude me to go to bed wi him over the past several months, (& don't doubt he still does want this though I still refuse), I have to praise him -he has some v good qualities & worked very complimenty together, despite this extra complication of familiarity between us I can do wi out!

But when there has been times recently of possiblities bumping into him at work after not seeing/speaking to him for ages, I've tried to distance myself, like avoiding him etc so to prevent myself becoming more emotionally involved wi him. I have my marriage & job to consider. It's been tough for me, cos I've really wanted to go & talk to him. Normally talking to someone doesn't hurt, & has been suggested to me by others, what's the harm in talking to people, but in this case, I know spending more time wi him, does not help me & feel I need to protect myself.

Since he's been working away in another department for so long, I have missed the comfortableness I felt wi him & our conversations when working with him, but tried to hide it. I'm not sure if he has missed being around me, but I wasn't sure if the senior staff's comments was a clear indication that they were aware that both myself & the male colleague, were miserable & missing each other as they grin at me, amusingly, like they know something maybe what's going off between us.

There has been quiet a few hints/vailed remarks & looks from this senior staff to suggest I think they are making me aware they think the male colleague & myself have developed feelings for each other, & now using their power to try manipulate the situation to throw us together, or have some sort of regular contact!

I don't know what to think or do. I don't trust this senior staff. If this staff is trying to trap me & him into getting into trouble once wi begin working together, they could at least make a pretence of being more subtle about it maybe! Unless they are just plain nosey & enjoy knowing about a possible office romance developing. Ok they happen all the time, tho not suppose to happen, & esp not wi both married parties. But if we don't work together again, it will be for the best. I just wish this senior staff would help me for get about him, but they seen to keep stiring up trouble & making me feel defensive when this male colleague is mentioned.

Want to get the opinion of other ladies who visit this web site?  Try my new forum .