I am a bit confused right now, and also disappointed... and sad :-( I will describe now what happened. And I have to say that in circumstances like these I always try to think positive and try to justify the person/explain myself why they are behaving that way... cause I believe there is always a good reason why someone behaves even in a bad way (at least a good reason for them)

Sounds like you are a very perceptive person to start off with, without my opinion. 

but then, while I am hurt and disappointed, I show my understanding side, asking them why they behaved the way they did, and trying to find an explanation also from them, telling them that I understand - because I really do - but then I am afraid to come across like a person who doesn't stand for her rights... that is, maybe they want to see an angry person, but I am more assertive and try to discuss about what happened. Not sure what men would like to see, but maybe not what I show.

Different men, like different things.  But I think the majority of men like women that are not too aggressive with their opinion.  But who will express their opinion calmly every now and then when it's something significant.  I don't think men particularly like women that whinge constantly about minor petty things, but equally I don't think men that like women that say "yes, everything is fine", even when it quite clearly isn't, because a guy is not a mind reader.  If fact most men find it pretty much impossible to understand women.  They don't particularly like awkward women, outwardly men laugh at them, but inwardly they are thinking "awkward bitch".

Anyway, I'm happy to be an assertive person who wants to clarify things rather than an angry person.

Anyway, here is the whole story. I hope I won't forget anything important.

I work in a pc helpdesk as a technical leader, and last January my manager was reported a problem by a big director of our same company based on another city, 3 hrs away from here.

This director was assisted by the local support guy, who used the correct helpdesk channels to solve the problem, but didn't succeed, so my manager was involved. My manager in turn involved me and asked me to try and solve the problem. So I came in contact with the local support guy of that city and worked with him in order to solve the issue. We talked on the phone and in chat for 2 days and sometimes we would stay on the phone a long time (more than 1 hr once) and while we were trying to solve the problem together, in idle times during the solution process we were talking about personal stuff. He comes across as a very nice, sunny and friendly guy, always smiling and laughing, a lovely person. I am a very smiley and laughing person too haha :-) We had a good laugh on the phone and we carried on nice conversations. I liked his sunny personality straight away, and I like his will to learn what I was doing to solve the problem, asking many questions... then he asked me if I was seeing anyone... which I said that I wasn't as I had separated from my husband a few months before so I had been on a break in the meantime. Then I asked him if he had a girlfriend or a wife... to which he was making jokes haha :-) and then he said that he was also single. The next question was if I was going to live in this country for good (I'm originally from abroad, whereas he is from here, and from the city where he is working), to which I said yes, cause that is the truth ;-) I felt like he had a form to fill in in front of him to find the ideal wife hahaha :-)

Guys do have a few things to assess when choosing a woman.  Whether they are going to be staying in the country is a very  important one.  He doesn't want to waste his time, building up a rapport with a woman and spending money on her, only to find she is leaving the country in a few months.  Then he would have to deal with the idea of moving with her or having a long distance relationship which never works out, or finding someone else yet again.

then I asked him a similar question (I was really enjoying this game haha :-), that is if he had intended maybe to travel abroad for a couple of years before settling down... like many guys do in this country haha :-) He was laughing at that statement and kept on saying that I was a funny girl... which he still does during the chats... and I exchanged the compliment to him ;-) We talked also about other stuff, hobbies etc etc.

Sounds as though you have a great basis for a relationship, you both enjoy each others humour and are very direct with each other.

We have a kind of employee directory in our company where everybody has access to the other employees' details, like work e-mail address, work number and where we are supposed to put a picture as well. In one of our conversation, he realised I had a picture there and he said that it was nice to associate a face to a voice/words and that I looked pretty. He doesn't have a picture in that directory, so I asked him to put one, so I could see him too! :-) He said that he had also to update a few applications and as soon as he had some time he would do that as well....

Now, although I really thought he was a great guy, with a lovely personality, a really nice and funny guy, he has a very very strong accent of the country place where he comes from, which I didn't really like... I know this maybe sounds silly and weird, but that accent didn't excite me at all, actually quite the opposite haha :-) Also, he didn't send me a picture, so I didn't know more or less how he looked like.

If he didn't make that effort, it would seem he is very conscious of what he looks like in a photo.  I'm fairly good looking in real life, but any photos I have, I usually look dreadful and boring.  Men don't particularly like photos, they like real life experiences.  Photos are sometimes good for memories but they are not particularly good in getting an idea of what he looks like.  Oddly he likes to see a photo of the woman though, he just doesn't feel as though photos justify the way he looks.  Of course, he could also be pig ugly in real life too. 

So, he was a lovely guy but I didn't want to throw myself into this game because, let's face it, Internet chats or phone calls are great because you can really know the person, if they are honest, but you really need to meet the person to see if there is chemistry and there could be a real connection....

Yes, that's very true, people can say all they want in internet chat, but really when you meet them in person they are hardly likely to talk about the same things or be as much fun as you imagined them to be. 

you really need to test the virtual connection into reality. So, accent

Accents really are important to me too, there are some that are a big turn off and others that are very sexy.  After all, if you have a relationship with this person you are going to have to listen to the sound of their voice for the rest of your life, if it sounds annoying, could you really bear that, even if they did have a brilliant personality.  Add to that other peoples reactions to their accent, if they have an irritating accent, they are not going to get very far in life when relating to other people.  But then different people have different tastes in accents. 

and picture wouldn't really have made a difference, anyway, because you really need to meet the person. But anyway, at that time this is the way I felt... at that time I was being also annoyed by my husband, from whom I separated because he was always cheating on me and spending lots of money on other women :-(

Oh that type, treat you like crap, and can't resist coming back for me to treat you like crap and make sure they continue to spoil your life. 

Anyway, with my husband coming back from time to time, it was like the past pain was coming back, which left me a bit confused in the relationships with other men. Now he is totally gone, thank God.

I know it's easy if you've had a bad relationship with one man, to build up a picture of all the of the opposite sex are enemies and all of them do this, indeed I'm probably guilty with women.  But the truth is there is a wide variety of men out there, you just have to start finding the nice men attractive and the arseholes as unattractive.  Try not to tarnish all men are like this, all women are like that.  When I talk about things on my web site, I usually comment on individual cases, or groups of men, the rest of the type I comment on most men (NOT all men), because not all men are the same, we are not clones of each other.  The way we are is influenced by our parents, our country, our friends, our job and particularly our childhood.

Anyway, after that, this new guy contacted me on the phone and chat other couple of times asking me for help with other technical problems... I helped him, and that was it. That happened at the end of January.

On Valentine's Day he writes to me wishing me happy Valentine's Day... which I found very sweet... he is in fact a very sweet person, very caring :-)

Good!

After that, we didn't talk at all. I suppose that after the Valentine's message he would expect me to encourage him somehow (my husband was still bothering me, although I liked the new guy's personality, which I thought would match very well mine), but I didn't do anything and just kept busy with my own things... I met other couple of guys in the meantime, but they were not the right people for me, so we ended up only being friends and we are still very good friends.

When guys go to the trouble of sending valentines, they expect a positive response back, some encouragement and incentive to do something more.  If you just said thanks for the valentines and then brick wall, then he's not going to be encouraged to move things further is he.  He's taken a risk and now you are just like, I'm not really bothered about going out with you.  A guy wants a woman who is equally interested in him, if she isn't he will just become bored and think he is talking to a brick wall.

At Easter I wrote to this guys (so, more than a month later we last talked) to wish him happy Easter. He was a bit busy but had the time to chat for a bit and we both really enjoyed talking to each other and laughing together. Next day I wrote him again to say hi and we chatted still a fair bit... we really enjoyed it again... we started saying bye before leaving work also. Next day he started writing to me and while chatting he would ask again questions like... "Are you single" etc "Are you seeing anyone" etc...,

He still hasn't give up, that is good, most guys would have just got bored by now and presumed you are not giving any signals back, so time to move on. 

 at which, again I would asked him if he was single as well, to which he said yes, that he had a girlfriend before Xmas but he was on a break now... then talking and talking he said that we should meet and see how it goes as we had a great connection, we were both smiley, funny and nice people etc. I was teasing him nicely a bit about the picture, as I said that it wasn't even and fair that he knew more or less how I looked but I hadn't seen him. To which, he said "yes, I saw you, you look lovely and smiley" and then he said that he didn't publish his picture because he was not like a movie star haha :-) and that he didn't come out well in the picture,

I pre-empted his reason above, at least he was honest.  Men are very insecure about women and movie stars.  Women read loads of magazines and just seem to constantly fantasise about movie stars and celebrities which makes a guy feel really self conscious and lacking in self confidence and unwilling to ask a lady out.  Because he feels if that's what she wants a rich husband, that looks great, looks confident and has a great personality, then what's the point in me asking her out.  But then we all know that movie stars, really don't have that greater life, it's just that many women don't realise that.  A lot of them suffer depression, dabbles with drugs, are alcoholics, gamblers and have all sorts of other problems, essentially they are normal people like everyone else, it's just that their privacy is invaded and they are developed into whatever character the media want to portray of them.

but he said he would send one to me so I could check him out haha :-) (he has never sent a pic) ... then he asked me how I imagined him, to which I gave a description... saying at the end that he also had a very nice smile (and that I was sure about that), then he gave me his description of himself, after which he said, "Do you think you will want to kiss me based on my description?" to which I said,"It depends on your smile, if you have a beautiful smile, like I imagine, why not?" haha and then he said, "That's a good answer... well, I have a wonderful smile, so I think you are going to kiss me to death" haha... I thought that his way of flirting was really sweet and funny... anyway, we went on like that and we said that he would come to the city where I live sometime and we would meet, go out and see how it goes.

That's good, very important that he is imagining kissing you.

We went on like that for a while, chatting every day, even when he was extremely busy he would always find the time to say hi and something nice... This guy was really growing in me, he was so nice and sweet, and also very funny that I really enjoyed talking to him.... but I started had the feeling that he was a bit of a shy and insecure guy... as every time I would ask him when we would meet, he would try to be a bit evasive, saying "I don't know" and asking me back if I wanted to meet, to which I said yes, because we needed to test if we had the same connection in reality.... that chatting was great but we had to see if we had the same chemistry in reality ;-)

I agree with you, shy and insecure and probably waiting for you to suggest a time and a place to meet.  The fact that you lived a long distance away was probably biting away at him too, when can I get time and you get time to meet, when we live so far away.

Anyway, after a couple of times of me asking that and he really not facing the question, I decided to give him some time... From the fact that he was insecure in sending the picture, as he said he didn't look like a movie star, and from the fact that he used to ask me these questions like "do you think you would like me based on the way I look?" I had the feeling he wasn't very comfortable and confident with the way he looks... so he might be afraid to meet me because he might be afraid I wouldn't like him....

It is true, you've built up this online friendship together, he's hooked on you, what happens when he meets up with you, he's really nervous and looks a fool, you don't find him attractive and then he's lost this online friend and feels ugly and unwanted again.  It's one of the many reasons you should spend too much time getting to know someone online, you should meet as soon as possible, otherwise you get hooked on each other and imagine each other a bit too much.  Then when you meet, they are nothing like you imagined, because basically you built up a fantasy picture and they were never going to achieve that unrealistic fantasy picture in one meeting in real life.
 

otherwise a bloke wouldn't ask a girl such questions, right? he wouldn't show a weak side of himself, right? as he would come across as not very confident and shy... which is a thing that actually makes me like him more... he is so cute! :-) Do you think he could be afraid of that?

He could be yes, because men believe that women find aggressive, confident men attractive and shy unconfident men are just friends.  The thing is each individual man has his own qualities, an aggressive confident man is probably just putting on a pretend act or else he will probably turn into an uncaring arsehole that only loves himself.  In contrast an aggressive confident men might be useful when those qualities are necessary but equally a shy, unconfident man maybe more favourable in circumstances where he needs to sweet talk someone into doing something.

That is why he is not comfortable in meeting me? What should I do then to make him feel more confident about that? I have tried to reassure him saying that I like his personality, and that is what I am interested in, really.... From my experience I know that I have mostly been attracted to guys with a charming personality, although they were not gorgeous... because personality is what counts.

Bring into your chat conversation what you have just said to me in the last few lines "whether you have a rapport with me is what counts, not how you look and you have demonstrated that rapport with on the phone and through chat". 

Having said that, I know that chemistry is made by something that can't be described, that goes beyond personality or looks... so that we needed to meet to see. (When we were talking about if we were single or not, he told me that a friend's friends fancied him, but he didn't like the girl that way... which made me think that he can't be that bad looking if there is someone fancying him... but I could be wrong here... but anyway, it doesn't matter... it's how he feels about himself what matters here....

A lot of the way a guy feels is in his mind.  Women don't tell men they look gorgeous and when they do an insecure man will think she's just being sarcastic.  Men don't know what looks attractive to a woman.  A lot of women look through magazines and point at blokes or talk about blokes they like.  It usually involves talk blokes with dark hair that are handsome and have big muscles.  Any guy that doesn't fit into that category feels as though he's at a loss.  Men think that women go for the same type of men and only go for men that are wanted by other women, because they like to compete with other women and think a man is more desirable if he already has another women or other women that are interested.

Anyway, we would talk every day, he would always be extremely nice and caring... replying to my mails straight away, always putting smileys, laughs and a bit of flirting in it... never missing to say bye before leaving from work etc... so I am sure that this guy is interested in me (at the extent that you could be interested in a person you have never met)....

This guy is really interested in you, there's no doubt about that, otherwise why would he continue to enquire about your availability and contacting and flirting with you when you live an unrealistic distance away.  I think the distance thing is the biggest stumbling block, the shyness and insecurity comes a very close second.  Because he doesn't want to travel that far to risk not getting on together. 

At that point, starting really liking his lovely personality, I kind of starting to find his accent interesting and exciting also ;-)

One day he would tell me that he would call me as so we could talk instead of always chatting, so he would even tell me what time he would call me... but then he never did it and left work without saying bye... which I found a bit strange, that a caring guy like him wouldn't keep a promise and would just leave without saying bye...

Sometimes guys have a bad day and don't want a woman that he could potentially be going out with speaking to him on that bad day.  He doesn't want you to hear him in a bad mood because he thinks it will put you off.  Other times he can get quite anxious about phoning you, should I phone her now, should I phone her later, then by the time he's thinking about it later, he thinks it's too late now.  Guys get tired after work which really isn't the best time to phone someone you fancy.

because he was always doing that. I tried to think why he would do that... and then I thought there could be the simple reason that he was so busy and carried away by the work that he simply forgot... or that he got scared to face me on the phone.

I think both of those are potential reasons. 

You see, we started talking on the phone for work reasons; but after we started flirting in chat, we have never talked on the phone again and that day I think he was embarrassed to talk on the phone with a girl who he had flirted with and virtually kissed.... and he was afraid to confront himself with that.... what do you think?

Yep, he would probably want to revert back to chatting online.  His comfort zone, because you hadn't chatted on the phone for a while and the flirting online had added a new dimension since then, that he would feel he had to live up to on the phone.  Often guys can sound cocky (nervous), when this sort of thing happens.

The next day I nicely asked him what happened with the phone call... he said that he was very busy but that he was there now... trying to avoid the reason why he really did that... which I think it was simple and understandable fear... but I might be completely wrong...

You are probably right, he was probably thinking that he could use the excuse of being busy. Guys can get busy and when they do get busy they have to focus on getting that task finished before moving on to the task of chatting with women.  But you are probably right, fear probably did come into it.

Anyway, we carried on chatting as usual, but he would never again mention to meet up or talking on the phone... one day he would say that having this kind of relationship like this was 'fun and safe', which it is true... but in reality I believe it could be more fun even though maybe not so safe.... ;-) Basically I am having the impression that he is scared to face the reality of what could be talking on the phone or meeting up... maybe he is so insecure that he is afraid to disappoint me...

He won't be afraid to disappoint you, he will be afraid of the hurt of rejection for himself.  Men believe, women are much more fussy about who they settle down with, they are perfectionists and if there's even one thing wrong with him or he says or does one thing wrong, then it's end of relationship and he is rejected.  That's what he'll want to avoid.  Some men have experienced that rejection so much they avoid women, other men start going out on loads of dates and start to get used to the rejection or actually realise they should reject some women that are not right for them too.

or he is afraid that the 'relationship' we have now would finish even in his virtual status if we met. I don't know... I am confused....

No, I think he's just scared of rejection in real life.  Virtual relationships, a guy will miss but he would be able to easily move onto another.  It's real life meetings that really make a guy feel rejected.

So, anyway, I really wanted to meet this guy, he is so nice, and I knew he would want to meet me as well... because he has said so many times, except that then something prevents him to go through with it. He is definitely interested in me, telling me that I am nice, sweet, that he would love to meet me to see how it goes etc etc, but he would never decide to do that practically. So, I decided to go and visit a friend of mine who lives in the same city where he lives and with that excuse I could meet him. I felt that with an excuse like that he wouldn't feel the pressure and would casually meet me, whereas he would have got scared if I had been more forward and asked him that I could go to his city to meet up.

Excellent idea! 

I mentioned to him that I would go and visit this friend of mine and he said that he would love to meet me, that would be very nice, and just let him know when I was going. I said that I would probably go the week-end of April 25th as this was the first weekend when my friend would be free - she is getting married and she has always arrangements over the weekend. He said then, "Oh no, that weekend I probably have to go to a weeding (somewhere abroad)" but he hadn't booked yet, so he didn't know for sure if he was going to be available.

A friends wedding is pretty important, so I would understand if he really wasn't able to see you at that point.  The friend is only going to get married once, whereas he can see you at any point he chooses, even though he needs a kick up the arse to actually go ahead and do it. 

At that point I said, "well then I can come the following week-end, as my friend will be free then as well..." At that point it seems that he felt the pressure and said, "well, you don't have to come here on account of me :-)

It's that lack of self confidence thing coming through again.  But the fact that he put a smiley at the end of the sentence made him feel quite warm towards you.  He would have felt "Wow, this woman really is nice, she's making special arrangements, just so she could meet up with me. 

(with the smiley as well) but if you come down here one of these week-ends I will meet you for a while, we can go for a coffee etc..." To which I decided to be honest enough and said (I was really panicking because the last thing I wanted to do was putting pressure on him)... so I said, "I'm not coming there on account of you :-) but since I can meet my friend any time, and I would like to meet you too, if you are not available that weekend, I can come the following one, so then I can meet you both :-) "

Thank goodness for that, I thought you were just going to make the mistake of saying "I'm not coming there on account of you", the bit that you followed up with was very important in reassuring him you weren't turning on him and getting hacked off with him. 

Then he said that was OK, that anyway we would talk in the meantime so there was no problem and whenever I went he would then reach me in town and we would hook up for a while. Actually he even wanted to know where my friend lived so that he could come pick me up. All this sounded really great, didn't it?

Yes, he didn't want you to get lost in the town or be spending your money transporting yourself to him, so offerred to pick you up, that is good. 

But I had a strange feeling all the way, and didn't believe it until I would see him... but I started getting very excited about this 'blind' date.

Last week my friend told me that unfortunately she had some last minutes' things coming up the weekend of the 25th so she couldn't give me hospitality... and the next weekends were 'booked' with some other stuff too, until the end of May, but that I could go the past weekend. So I decided to go, simply because otherwise I should have waited until end of May/June and you never know what might happen in the meantime... he could meet someone else, physically existing, and I would have missed my chance.... after all for him I'm just 'someone virtual' at the moment :-(. The problem was that I knew he would be madly busy that weekend because he would be working both Saturday and Sunday... so I wasn't really really sure if I wanted to risk not to meet me because of his work schedule. But I felt like I had to take that risk... after all, I could have gone again in May/June if we didn't get the chance to meet up now.

Too right, though if he was busy working, he might have not wanted to meet you tired and give you a bad impression.

So I went there this past weekend, and before going of course I asked him if he wanted to meet. I said that I knew he would be working, that was unfortunate and that he would be probably tired as well, but I said, 'what's better than a drink or a coffee after a tiring working day? :-)" We were very unfortunate that the past weekend he was working... and he said that he would love to meet me but he could not promise anything as he would probably be working until late Saturday and Sunday. However, he would let me know through sms as soon as/if he got out of work and we could meet for a while. I also asked him that, if it would be easier for him, instead of coming to town late, while being tired, I could just drove up to the place where he works (which is at a close distance anyway) and meet in some place close to work. At that point he said to me not to depend on him, to just go out with my friends and he would let me know if he could make it to town...

This is starting to sound evasive, like he needs to hide something from his colleagues at work.  It's sounding as though, he has a girlfriend or is married or he doesn't want his work colleagues finding out about a date with you for some reason.  Actually meeting for a first date at someone's work is not exactly something a guy likes.  I certainly wouldn't want a woman I hadn't met before meeting me at work.

as he also had a friend's birthday party in town, so he would come to town anyway if he could get out of work... so then he would text me or call me and let me know... and few more times he said that he really hoped to meet me Sat night and in all this we still kept on flirting in chat, so while I really was afraid he wouldn't show up, at the same time I was excited as I thought he could never let me down, as I was travelling down to his town and I knew he really wanted to meet me...

You see a guy wouldn't totally think like that, he would think the main reason you have travelled down is to see your friend who is getting married.  Therefore if he doesn't contact you, in his mind you were down there to meet her anyway, not especially for him. 

And what happened? He never showed up or made contact through phone or sms. He had my phone number, he never gave me his.... it is like he feels safe in this virtual world where he has fun but where reality can't hurt you or disappoint him... and meeting up, hearing a voice through phone, or even a text is reality... not like a chat or a mail.

To me, that is not the reason.  A guy wouldn't make an effort to flirt in the virtual world unless he was interested in you or unless he was getting virtual sex.  It sounds to me like you are not giving him virtual sex, just flirting together.  It's starting to sound like something else is going on here, like he has other attachments in his town, a partner.  Not wanting to distract from the fact he had a busy weekend working and probably didn't want to meet up with you at a time when he was tired. 

He seems to be comfortable there... and he is the nicest and sweetest 'boyfriend' there, but he seems to me to be scared to death to face the reality. Maybe his latest relationship was painful and he still feels the scars... I don't know... but he is definitely scared of something... when he says that the chat is safe makes me think that he is afraid that the reality is not so safe and can hurt him.

It does put an element of ego in there, you are massaging his ego, which gives him the confidence to go out and meet women in his own town.  The problem you have is living so far away.  If he does get with you, then he's going to have to travel to see you and that's going to be unworkable in his head.  But really if you like someone so much, you will make the effort to see them.

You can imagine how I felt. I was waiting for his phone call all night, looking the best I could that night... to impress him... I was so scared he wouldn't show up, yet scared to meet him as well... but I was ready to do that. I was so disappointed and sad... not even because I didn't meet him...

That would be really gutting for me too, in fact if a woman did that to me, I would completely wipe her out of my mind thereafter.  I wouldn't tolerate anything like that, if she wasn't keen enough to see me, then she obviously doesn't value me enough, if she doesn't value me enough, then she's not worth talking to anymore, let alone meeting. 

but because he didn't inform me or made contact, that was the worst part...

To a guy, contacting you to say he was busy would have just been stupid, he was busy that's why he wasn't meeting you, to phone you shows he has some time.  He would have also wanted to avoid giving you the disappointment and finding the words to tell you and let you down.   You will be annoyed if he phones you to tell you and you will be annoyed if he doesn't, so the best option for him is not to phone and for you to be annoyed anyway.

I knew he would be extremely busy and you might even forget to call someone when you are wrecked and busy... but I was there only that weekend and he knew I was waiting for a sign, negative or positive. I knew he was genuinely busy and he was probably wrecked... but I would have expected at least an sms from him.

Yes, but following the sms, you would have phoned him or asked him to phone you and he would have wanted to avoid that.  Again it makes me suspicious, that he didn't give you his phone number, almost like he doesn't want you to contact him on his mobile.  Like he is trying to hide you from other people or he doesn't want you phoning.

Again, I thought he was afraid to face me, my voice even, or myself.... he was freaking out and didn't show up. I have been quite sad for the disappointment... I couldn't believe I was there and he didn't meet me, although he was very very busy.... I thought to surprise him at work on Sunday, to show up there and surprised him... but then I thought that he was probably so scared to meet me as he would feel uncomfortable, it wouldn't have been nice for me to do that...

Men don't like suprises like that, it fits into stalker territory if a woman does that.  Men like to have pre-arranged meetings, they don't like a woman turning up on their door step, unannounced, when he's not prepared and not ready with what he has to say or do.

I would have made him probably more uncomfortable... I'm not sure... so I decided not to go after hrs of thinking on what to do... but I sent him an e-mail, which I am not sure if I should have sent, because I kind of put him in front of his fears, but overall it is a nice mail... I attach it here... so you can have a better opinion of it... By the way, when I gave him my phone number, he didn't give me his, and I didn't want to ask for it as I felt he wouldn't be comfortable with me calling him,

You are right, he wouldn't have been comfortable with you phoning him, if he was comfortable he would have given you his number. 

for the embarrassment and insecurity I have described above... and because of that, I actually had the feeling he would have never called me on Saturday night... so I wouldn't have imagined him showing up at all either :-( The excuse would be that he was busy, which I would understand, but the fact that he didn't make contact made me think he was shy, insecure and fearful to meet me. I am not sure if I did well to send him this mail... because I kind of put him in front of his fears... and probably it wasn't the right move... at the same time I felt like I had to start to say what I thought....

Too right, he needed to know what you were feeling, so he had a chance to put it right and ease your feelings. 

even if in a nice way... Still I am so afraid I made a mistake here... Please let me know what you think. I was honest and wrote what I felt, but I might have scared him a bit, I don't know... although we have said in chat as well some stuff that's in this mail ( Of course I removed the names and nicknames, so it would be more anonymous :-) You can also see the style of the mails that he and myself usually exchange.

Good morning (nickname1)! :-)

I've just woken up few minutes ago... waked up very thirsty! haha... :-) I wonder why... since I drank quite a bit last night! hahaha :-)) I'm actually not very used to drink a lot anymore, cause in (city where I live) I'm always driving ;-) so I just had a few drinks last night but they were enough to make me a bit 'merry' haha :-) We did a 'pub tour' haha :-) having one drink in a different pub... (His city) is very nice :-) Hey, I'm still in (his city)... and still in bed haha...

You start off well, not with the idea that you are going to be narked off with him. 

we are going to have breakfast in a few minutes ;-) I know you are going still to be very busy today, and won't probably be able to get out of there

This would have re-assured him that he didn't need to contact you, you already know the reason for him not seeing you and that's because he's busy at work.  You are offerring him an excuse without the need for him to explain himself.

:-( but I'm still here today and won't leave 'til late this evening, so if you feel like meeting me, just give me a shout... ;-)

Good you give him the option. 

(My friend) told me (our company) is very close to here... so, if you tell me that you can get out even for a couple of minutes, just let me know and I can drive up there and say hi for a couple of minutes :-) But, having said that, no pressure (his name)... if you are too busy and not ready to meet me ;-) I totally understand :-)

Again offering him an opt out, he needs to think of his own excuses, you don't need to provide them for him.

After all, we have really started to know each other in chat only for very few weeks, the last ones of which have been madly busy for you... :-( so, I totally understand if you feel it is maybe too early and not the right time yet ;-)

Gosh, you really are overdoing his excuses. 

Oh my God, even though I would have really loved to meet you last night, I was freaking out myself so much last night at the thought that I might have met you shortly! hahaha :-)

If he does have insecurities, you were putting that idea into his head too. 

so... it's very human and understandable... I'd imagine you would feel the same as me... because, let's face it, it is scary -even if also exciting- to meet a person you have never seen ;-) because many things come to our mind...

Well, I suppose you have done quite well after all, you have explained your feelings and tried to get an answer out of him about whether he does feel like that too. 

"Am I going to be attracted to this person? Is she/he going to be attracted to me? Are we going to have the same connection we have in chat?" so it is scary... and exciting at the same time ;-) But, after all, what's the problem? ;-) Even if we meet and we are not attracted to each other, we can still be just friends, and I am sure we would be very good friends because we have a great 'personality' connection ;-) But we have to meet, to test that ;-).. but while I might be more brave at this time, yet scared, you might not be ready to meet me yet... and we both have to be ready, to really enjoy it ;-) I haven't at all been brave in the last few months myself, after the separation from my husband :-(... I was too hurt to be brave... although I have met some people who might have been worth it- but wasn't ready, so.... ;-)

Not a good part of it, shows you've still got issues with your ex, that he will need to contend with and you are meeting other people and turning them down (best for these words to remain unsaid, he will know you are meeting other people but won't particularly want reminding about it). 

I don't know how you got me so brave haha :-) it must be that 'magic touch' of (his nickname2)! hehehe :-) or maybe because you are such a nice person that I think you might be worth the trouble haha :-) and I think you would think the same of me after meeting me! haha :-) so please try not to meet any other girl in the meantime because I don't want to miss my chance with (his nickname2)!! hahahaha :-)

Putting the idea of meeting another woman in his head! 

So... having said that... -I write always novels haha, sorry! :-) - ... if you fancy meeting me, and of course if this work disaster will allow you to do that... ;-) I can drop there at (company) for a couple of minutes to say hi before leaving to (my city) this evening... just let me know... ;-) but... if it is not this week-end... we can meet some other time... I might come down to (his city) at some stage before (my friend')s wedding, to help her... or you might come to (my city) at some stage ;-) In the meantime we can enjoy our chats and tease each other... hahaha when we are not so busy! :-) and hopefully you won't be in the next few days ;-) so I will also have my chance to laugh at your jokes... hahahahahaha :-) So... I hope you won't have such a hard day today (his name)... ;-) and hope you can rest a bit... but no worries... this hell of a week-end is nearly over!!!! yeaaaaaaah :-) Talk soon (his nickname2) :-) (my name) xxx

This email just seems like an opt out of him meeting up with you.  He will be re-assured after reading this, he won't have to make an excuse and now is not the best time to meet up with you anyway, there's always some better point sometime in the future.  The email just seems to gear his mind up, into the idea of not meeting you that weekend.  On the other hand it won't have put him off you, because it will show you are an understanding lady.

So, not sure if I did well by sending it.... Anyway, I sent this mail yesterday and he didn't make contact. I was there and really he could have sent a text, but again I think he can't control his fears :-( and I wish I could help him... Anyway, today at work I was very nervous to hear what he had to say... he sent me a mail this morning just avoiding the topic of the weekend, asking me how I was, that he was busy, sending me a kiss etc... as nothing wrong had happened... I knew he hadn't read my mail yet... anyway, at some stage I wrote to him in chat and he straight away apologised he couldn't meet me... he said that he finished at 10 on Saturday and was wrecked... I said that I understood that it was a hell of a week + weekend for him, so I understood that, but I said that I thought he would send me a text to let me know... to which he apologised again, without giving a precise reason on why he wouldn't send the text or call... just saying that he was wrecked... While we were talking about that... he writes with long pauses, because he often leaves his desk to assist people there... but then I saw he opened that mail, and I was actually asking him if he read my novel :-)... after that he didn't reply for a while, but again he always does that... so couldn't tell of either he got a bit shocked by the mail or was simply busy... Anyway, after 30 minutes or so I had to go, so I said bye to him... still no reply but again he is very busy, so I will have to see tomorrow what his reaction would really be. What do you think?

If he was at work, he wouldn't have wanted to spend time replying to your email.  When you are at work you need to concentrate on your work and treat you work as the first priority, if you lose your job you lose everything, including the ability to woo women.  He really was busy and really would not have wanted to meet someone he is attracted to after a long and tiring shift.  He would have just given you the impression that he was a moody, tiresome, unfunny person because he was tired and needed to wind down with some piece and quiet after work.  He wouldn't have been able to listen to anything you say because he would have been too tired to listen, after work it's piece and quiet time for guys, particularly if he's worked some long hours, under extreme pressure.

He is very nice, so I know he doesn't do things with bad intentions, but probably just because he is scared, shy, insecure... he is sometimes afraid he might say something wrong, he is afraid of how I take it... and always says, "I hope I didn't upset you with that" and so on... so he is very respectful and caring... and maybe he didn't even text me Saturday night because he was afraid to hurt/upset me with a negative text message, or was afraid I could call him back to try to convince him and so on... and he was maybe just scared to meet me.

I agree with what you put there, I think that is the most likely option.

So, what should I do? I am sure this guy is interested in me, as I am in him... I don't know if I could like him physically, but I love his gentle personality so much that I am positive I would like him as a whole... what should I do to encourage him or make him more confident? Do you think there is a hope? I think there is, if we just managed to meet.... I think he just needs to start seeing me and perceive me as a real person... little by little, at small steps, to try to connect that 'safe' virtual world to the reality....

I think you should start to leave him to do the chasing, don't reject any approaches he makes, but don't be making the approaches to him anymore.  See if he then gets scared that you are losing interest and starts to make some effort.  Then you can start and reward that effort.

For example, I was thinking to give him all day to think about my mail tomorrow and made contact with him in the evening by surprising him with a nice/funny call (I have his work number) so then he could start 'feel' me again as a person and not just like a virtual identity... I could start with calls from time to time, maybe once a week... then he would probably find the courage and called me as well, after breaking the ice of the first call... then it would probably be easy for him to be brave and meet me.

I think you should wait a week or two before doing this. I think you should start to appear as though you are losing interest first.  Then build things back up, once he starts showing some intiative.  I think it's a good idea, but not at this point in time.  Guys typically don't like unannounced calls, but eventually this is going to be a good idea, as long as you have something to discuss.

I might be completely wrong in my assumptions... but if he is really shy and scared then I want to do something to make him feel more comfortable and safe in the reality and with me as a real person, I don't want to do something that would scare him more :-(

He does need more practice at talking to you on the phone and you need to make sure it's a comfortable call for him to encourage him to do more of it.

What do you think it is the best think to do?

I think you have come up with a good idea already, you just need to wait before implementing that idea. 

Do you think that the plan about the phone calls and so on is a good idea?

Yes, it is, as long as you don't bombard him and you make him feel comfortable when you are doing the phone calls.  Keep the phone calls fairly short at first and have some things prepared to talk about. 

I really like his personality... and as I said even to him, even if he doesn't work out when we meet, we could still be great friends, as our personalities have lots of things in common, and we have lots of fun together, just only talking and teasing each other! :-)

He won't want the idea that you just want to be friends.  If he is shy and insecure, that will be the story of his life, women just wanting to be friends.  He invests his time in attracting the women, only to find out she just wants to be friends, because he is too nice and doesn't know how to act like an arsehole to attract women.  That sort of idea he will hate.  It could be that he's at a stage in his life, where he feels he's not interested in women and that's why he not making too much effort with you, he could be focusing on his career or had enough with his last few dates of girlfriends to last him a lifetime. 

Should I also try to be more direct, on the phone maybe, asking him if he really wants to meet me?

Don't apply too much pressure, he knows you want to meet him, so I think the less you mention that from now on, the more likely he is to try and put it to you and actually ask the question. 

Or should I give him a bit of time and wait to get him a bit more comfortable with me as a real person first?

The fact that he didn't meet up with you, shows that he was either too busy or wasn't ready yet.  You need to give him time before he is ready.  So in my opinion the ball is in his court now.  And you could be waiting a while before the ball bounces back in your court.

It is funny the way I have asked advise to some friends and some of they would say, "I wouldn't talk to him anymore after what he did"... and some would say, "Try to talk to him and see why he did that"....

I think if he had done it and didn't have the excuse of he was busy at work, I would have said not to bother with him anymore and also if he didn't seem shy then I would have equally advised that.  What I recommend now is do the next best thing or being remote for a bit and see if he shows willing to start making a bit of movement and showing a bit more interest.  In my opininon you don't need to know why he did that, he did it because he was busy at work and possibly that he wasn't ready to meet yet.  You can't push him too fast, too soon, just like you can't push a woman too fast, too soon. 

I am more for the second option as you can see..... because I know he is really a good-hearted person, and I know there is a good reason behind his behaviour. I could not talk to him anymore and show myself upset... hoping that he would then come back to me being afraid he lost me. But would he do that?

Being shy he is less likely, but it's worth a try, even if only for a week.  See if he gets back in touch and shows initiative. 

I'm not sure... because, seeing me quiet and angry with him, he would think he blew up his opportunity this weekend and would just leave it there... because he is aware he disappointed me...  and because he is insecure... I think, but again I might be totally wrong.

You don't want to give him the impression he totally blew it, because I agree you would make him feel as though he has lost and that you are not interested in him anymore.  What you need to do is wait for him to contact you and when you do be positive with him, don't show signs that he is hacked off, you want to encourage him if he contacts you.

And I couldn't do that anyway, because I know he is a nice guy, so it is a matter of clarifying the mistake with him.... letting him know how I felt,  like we did today and he apologised... and go on as usual.... that is the way I am after all... I couldn't act in a different way, wouldn't been able... I have just to be myself and if he is really the right person for me he will like me the way I am. After all he always tells me that he likes me because I am sweet... so I will be myself and let's hope he will overcome his fears, sooner or later.

On reflection, if that's the way you are and you want him to like you for that, then maybe your option is the best.  I think you should follow your own advice and see how it goes.

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