I have been hanging out in a social group since August - going out on weekends, etc. There is one guy I met when I had a party at my apartment in August and he came with his girfriend. They left and he came back and stayed till 3am with 3 others. I didn't think anything more given I saw he had a girlfriend. Btw we live in NY but we are both West African (if that matters), from the same country (gf is not from same country).

Yes, it is significant.  I wouldn't say I'm familiar with African culture, so I'm not sure I can judge how an African man thinks.  People from different cultures and countries do tend to act slightly differently when it comes to relationships.  For example French and Italian men tend to be very forward about their sexuality.  English and American culture tends to be my stronger point.  But I'll try and answer your message as best I can anyway.  I haven't really come across any africans in my life apart from two white africans at University and one black african guy who was English but had African descendance (he was a right casanova with the women).

I end up hanging out in a group with him often till early morning on weekends (no girlfriend and he never mentions about her) and we shared a cab 2.5 months ago where he mentioned we should have brunch.

It sounds to me like he is not serious about his girlfriend, it's a convenience relationship where he sees it as better to continue to go out with her because there are no better options on the scene at the moment.  The fact that he was inviting you to brunch demonstrates he wants to get to know you more, either as a friend or with potential to be more.

I didn't respond as it was 3am and thought I misheard him also b/c another guy in the group was hitting on me and he was aware I didn't like the guy.

There was a large group dinner since my party which is the only other time the girlfriend came and that was 3 months ago. She didn't like the food and didn't eat and then went home after while the rest of us went out till 3am again.

Sounds as though there is a mismatch their.  He likes late nights, she doesn't. 

She is a medical resident (1st year) and he is in investment banking (meaning neither is rarely free).

One weekend he started asking on my situation and I talked to him about my dating. I asked him back about him and he said his relationship has been on/off during this year and I asked if it was long-term and he said with a negative tone "we'll see".

Again, it re-affirms the point that he is very passive about his relationship, as if it's a relationship but there's nothing that interesting about it.

About a 6wks ago he asked me again while we were out that we should have brunch. Since I haven't seen the girlfriend in a while and he never mentions her and is always out without her, I am not sure if they are together, but I figured it is fine to go find out as brunch is harmless.

By the sounds of it, I think if he found another decent woman he would ditch his current girlfriend straight away anyway.

We had brunch on a weekend and it was about 2.5 hours - no mention of girlfriend. I decided I would bring it up if he brought up topic of dating general but didn't have a chance. He never has mentioned the gf in general which I am not used to if someone has one.

Well it sounds as though his girlfriend relationship is not that interesting anyway, maybe he doesn't want to mention her for fear of putting you off, maybe it just isn't that interesting a topic.

He asked me to brunch again (after many flirty messages) and we went a few weekends ago. But at last minute said a friend called and lived near his place so if it is OK can he join us? I said sure but was irked that I still wouldn't find out about his relationship status. I figured nothing would come from me until I knew.

It's not the sort of thing you do when you fancy a woman, invite your friend along as well.  But maybe that is something that african men do?

So that sunday, I texted him and asked if he was trying to set me up with his friend (giving me some context to bring up his status). He responded no way (guy is engaged) and is that what I want (a set up). . I then said oh no. Just curious if that was it, then I said "what happened to your lady?" He has not responded to me about that since then.

He obviously didn't know how to answer that question for some reason, so he has completely avoided it.

In the meantime I understand he has been busy at work because a friend of his I helped with job search last week emailed both of us to meet up for drinks. He emailed on Monday and we had drinks that sun. I was going to our native country for xmas and he told me at the drinks that he had just decided to as well - for two weeks. Also during the drinks I mentioned I saw the movie atonement (and that i cried) and liked victorian novels etc. and he said he should rent english patient and invite me over. I didn't respond with much.

Because you didn't respond he would have felt you didn't want to bother going over.  It was his hint, why don't you come over to my place.  Whether that would have been a wise move, I don't know because going over to his place, well you know what happens...

I figured I would see him when abroad.

So I am currently abroad and landed on two saturdays ago. We have talked/seen each other/or been in touch each day except for a couple since then. When I arrived, I had already received a text message from him telling me his local cell number and also that I should call him when I got in. So I did and we chatted a little but it was late. He was heading out with his cousins.

It sounds as though he is very keen to stay in touch with you.

So the next day we talked and he ended up busy (running around helping his cousin with a xmas concert) till too late for me so I went to sleep do to jet lag. It turns he lives near the hotel my family is staying at and called to see if he might stop by for lunch, but we were out (my family has a jampacked schedule during this trip at least during the days).

We first hung out on Xmas eve and met up with some people (mostly friends of his some from NY and others from high school). We ended up going to two places and the last was a nightclub where we stayed till 4am. The other people left about an hour before but we were having fun dancing. During this he was much more touchy with me. When I saw him sitting during a break, he wanted me to come sit next to him and our knees legs were touching and his hands were around me. On the way out of the club he held my hand as we left and walked to the car. When he dropped me off, I hugged (which is our usual). Btw I am finishing off a virus and so I dont want to spread anything too.

Maybe this posting in my forum by one of my visitors might be interesting reading for you:

12 steps to pair bonding 

After we exchanged xmas texts on xmas and then hung out last night again till late. Since he lives near me it works well and he has been my social planner in a way and he knows what is going on and picks me up and drops me off. He is very considerate. But the second night out he wasn't as touchy (and I am not one to be flirty first). We didn't go to places with dancing but more lounging and I met his cousin. But strangely, in the car on the way he mentioned one of his friends I met the previous time asked about me.

He maybe trying to see your reaction, for example you mentioned earlier in the message trying to get an idea of his status with his girlfriend, he was maybe trying to get an idea of your status and whether you are interested in him or his friend. 

I didn't respond at all. I didn't really know why he was telling me and the best way to respond. So that left some silence and he didn't say anything about it again.

The last part threw me off and I haven't yet asked about the girlfriend issue because nobody else mentions it. But also I heard one of his friend's wives joking earlier on the first night we were out that she may have some friends to introduce him to.

It sounds to me that people have the idea that he is prettymuch single, so I would say things really are not working out with his girlfriend, if his female friends are trying to match him with someone else.

We spoke the night before NYE for about 20 minutes and then the next day a couple of times during night starting at 9pm because we wanted to see where each would be. He was going to a family friend's party and then wanted to head out to town after. I was having family dinner and then heading out. We just didn't confirm where so we agreed to keep each other informed.

I went to one place and then switched to another as some friends were there. And I sent him a text to let him know. He didn't respond, so I wasn't sure if he was coming etc. I assumed not. Soon after I got there, I got a message from him saying he was there. The place is packed like sardine can and has dancing. I know he hates the place b/c we went there once together and we spent time there only outside.

If he hates the place and turned up just to see you, he must respect you quite a bit.

I was having fun drinking champagne in back with my friends so I texted him. I didn't budge because I assumed he would come back and find us. Then 25 min later he says he is outside. So I take my time and then my friends told me to go outside. I assumed he might be there a bit and when I call him when I am outside he says he is already walking to car and then leaving.

No offence, but to a man this is called "woman taking the piss".  If a guy is stood outside waiting for her, he expects her to "NOT take her time".  In his mind, it shows several things, that you are not that keen to see him and that you are maybe playing games with him.   Not only is he in a place that he doesn't like but he's left there like a stuffed idiot waiting around for you, while you take your time.  I have been to nightclubs with girlfriends and they have gone to the toilet for over an hour in the early stages of the relationship (you probably didn't take that long but really it doesn't take much to annoy a guy doing this), it's not a good idea.  Firstly a man gets worried about you (his job is protect you and if he doesn't know where you are he can't protect you), secondly he feels like a fool because there are people looking at him wondering who he is waiting for, thirdly he feels as though the woman doesn't really want to spend much time with him, if she's happy to make him wait, fourthly he would have also pictured you laughing with your mates, saying look I can make a guy wait for me and fifthly he will become anxious that you weren't going to bother coming out at all, sixthly he will feel vulnerable on his own, even though he may be a big tough man, seventhly he probably thought you'd pulled another man and couldn't prise yourself away from him.

So I first just told him that is really sad since we are in strange place. Then I called again later and he didn't answer (by this time it was 3am).

He was either asleep, but most likely too pissed off. 

I sent a text saying I goofed and probably had too much champagne and too bad we missed each other. I also said i hoped we might see each other before he left on morn of Jan 4.

He was silent with me for a while and sent an email late on night of jan 2 early jan 3 at 330am. He said he had been doing things with his family (his family lives here and mine lives in us but i traveled with them here) and said he would likely be busy on his last day in town but would let me know if he could meet for lunch. That didn't happen so I just emailed him that i hope he was having a good time with his family and see him later. Then he responded in the usual time frame and said he wished the same for me and also see you in ny.

In a way he knows you are not in a relationship with him yet, so he can't directly say "you pissed me off making me wait for you and it put me off you".  So he is just continuing to be polite while having in the back of his mind, this woman doesn't really value a relationship with me because she decides not to be in a hurry when meeting up with me.  In a way women will see this incident as something minor and will even laugh to their friends that they made a guy wait, but a guy sees this as something quite annoying and quite serious.  You might be able to get away with it, when you have been in a relationship for a long time and a prime example on your wedding day, but do it before the date when he sees you as his princess and you are making a very big mistake. 

What do you think? Is he interested?

I think he was interested, and if you read that forum posting above, you can see him moving through the stages of your relationship.  But that night out was a big mistake.  Not only did you drag him to a venue he hates but you then made him look and feel an idiot by making him wait for you. 

How should I deal with this and the unknown on the gf?

I don't normally recommend you make a move on a guy with a girlfriend, but in this case he quite clearly has a girlfriend that is just a convenience relationship.  So it's ok that you make a move on him as long as he doesn't try and push you into having sex with him, which looks as though he hasn't, so that is a good sign.  Whether he will be able to trust you after that performance and start trying with you again, I don't know.  Once you've done that sort of thing to a man, you seriously go down in his estimations and it's difficult to win him back as a potential girlfriend.  Obviously your priority now is actually getting to see him and make him forget about what's happened by getting back to normal and making him enjoy your time with him.

Reply by Nathalie 12.01.08 

I am following up from the post where he waited outside on the New Year's eve night.

I was traveling for work last week and so I only returned to New York yesterday. Your response was really helpful and makes a lot of sense.

I agree my priority is getting him to forget. Any particular suggestions? For now, I just sent him some pics from our nights out while abroad and said I liked his vacation facial hair (a little compliment doesn't hurt i figured).

I think that's an excellent way to start things.  Send him some reminders of the good times you had, to make him forget about that bad time.  As you know him quite well already a compliment will go down fairly well at this stage and considering what happened.  But did you include any questions in the email to make it easier for him to reply back?  Now, you have sent this email I think you need to wait a few days to a week, to see if he replies.  Bare in mind he has been away as well, so may not get around to catching up on his emails, so just be patient.

And I also said ps. sorry on the mishap on New year's eve. I kept it light.

Any other suggestions which might be helpful?

I can't really suggest anything at this stage.  You need to wait and see whether he replies to the email, either verbally on the phone or by physically replying to the email.  The only other way of getting to see him, is to make sure you are at parties that he will probably be going to.

Reply by Nathalie 13.01.08 

Thanks for your comments again.  Actually he responded to my email with the pictures yesterday and said the pictures were nice, but that he had already got rid of his facial hair;) He then asked me how the last part of my work trip last week went.

We actually exchanged emails last week already and he responded within 5 minutes when I sent that (while I was traveling for work). So I think he is warming up again after some damage control. So I'll go with the flow now.

Excellent, sounds like you have done exactly the right things, to help you recover from the situation and it does sound as though he is starting to warm to you again.

Reply by Nathalie 14.01.08

Btw - I've been gone from my native country for a while but while I was there and no surprise - i heard the men are charactized by indirectness! To be fair I will go with the flow still though it may be a bit of a snail's pace for me.

Still in order to give some boost - i'm very ok with some encouragement - though I still want him to go for it.

I could do something like ask him "So when are we going to watch the English Patient" which is a reference to something he suggested earlier.

That sounds like a perfectly good idea, it's like a bit of teasing and guys usually like a bit of gentle teasing occasionally.

Btw when he said it, he was saying it as a future activity - not that I should have come home with him then.

Let me know what you think or your thoughts as far as encouragement?

Reply by Nathalie 20.01.08

Update on the guy who waited outside:

Ok I sent him the email joking about when are we going to watch english patient earlier in the week. I put a smiley face so it was kind of a joke and then said perhaps we should catch up with drinks soon. He responded and said maybe drinks this weekend and said "well as for english patient, we will see about that. . ."

This is his way of saying, we'll see about it if the drinks go down well.  You've done very well here, yo've got in a joke about watching the english patient so you've put an idea in his mind, but you've also offerred an alternative of drinks.  He has pounced on the drinks opportunity and probably hopes to go for the english patient option, depending on how he feels or he might leave it for another time when you are least expecting it.

I then sent him a response and offered Sun as a day which works (it's a long weekend here). I also made a small inside joke. He responded back soon after (on Thurs), commented on the inside joke. He didn't confirm on if Sunday works?!!

He won't, he will want to arrange a day and time, so leave it with him.  Don't push things any further than that.  You've done well, now leave the rest to him.  You've given him a day, he hasn't responded back so that's a sign that he wants to make the decision.

So now I guess I will have to wait.  . .I'm not sure I want to have to check in on him tomorrow/Sunday morning and ask him again if that evening we are on? That seems like I care more then no?

Don't check, just leave him to make the decision.  If you check you are being too pushy.  Let him give you a day and a time next and you'll have to wait.  If he makes the mistake and doesn't take you up on it within a week then he's making a mistake.

Perhaps if I ignore and just wait him out it is best?

Yes, just wait for him to make the next move.  That's what he is doing by not responding, he wants to make the next decision when he is ready to do it, when he is in the mood.

Or one male friend told me maybe his ego is still hurt from the new year's eve incident?

He will still remember it and still need to have a few good times with you before he forgets about it. 

I guess I feel time has now passed from that right?

Not enough time has passed yet and not enough contact has been there to help him forget about that one bad night.

Well you have the whole story now - so I would love your thoughts. 

Reply by Nathalie 01.04.08

I have put this guy out of my mind since he didn't follow-up on my email invite.  Since then I have been at two different events where he has been (same social circle). I didn't know he would be there. The first one he called before but i missed the call and he mentioned when he got there. I didn't pay too much attention to him given that previous episode. There was another episode like this at another event in February again. I have generally tuned him out and he hasn't been in my thoughts much.

Mr. Vague came back again after I blanked him out. I have put him off a bit and said I don’t have time to meet until after my trip. He sent an email 2 weeks ago saying he heard a song which reminded him of me and realized he hadn't heard from me in a while. . .and then proposed we meet. I am headed out of town tonight and will return Sunday - so next weekend April 12th is what I offered. I may or may not follow-up on it. Thoughts on his very odd overall behavior? Should I bother?

Sorry for the late response, I've been very busy with other things lately, so I haven't updated my web site for a while.

In my opinion he either had another woman on his mind in the period he went quiet with you, or he didn't like you enough to make a decision.  It's been so long since he contacted you, that his motivation to see you and communicate with you doesn't seem that great.  The fact that he heard a song which reminded him of you, is great.  But it would have been much better if a song reminded him of you and he was in contact regularly.  I think the fact that he hasn't, means he's decided he hasn't got anyone better at the moment, so he's using an excuse of a song to get some contact with you again.  He obviously does want to see you again, but in my opinion I question his real motivation to see you.  Is he just going to see you again and then move onto other things, then when he's bored and got no other options in a few months another song is going to remind him of you.  

Reply by Nathalie 13.04.08

Thanks again. I do think you have it right.

I checked in during the beginning of the week after I got back just to see. He didn't respond till Saturday night and said sorry for late response. Do you have time tomrrow (today/sunday April 13th).  I didn't respond and maybe I will in the beginning of the week, but probably just to say "sorry i was so busy this weekend. Well, probably we can just catch up early May when I have my bday party".  I already sent out the invite for my bday party and I dont think he is worth my free time because your reading sounds like it is on the money. Still, I want to be gracious. Sound fair? 

I think that's fair. 

Want to get the opinion of other ladies who visit this web site?  Try my new forum .