| I'm 25 and fancy a shy guy who is 40, but I don't want to ask him out because he might reject me |
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| Written by shy | |
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First published 24 February 2007, update received from shy on 19th December 2007
My problem is I always seem to get the wrong type of man, I get sucked into a false sense of security and abused, my last partner took to mental abuse and then it turned physical.
Unfortunately, like you, quite a few young women get taken in by the bad boy is attractive routine. It's only when the bad boy turns nasty that women learn, that bad boys are called that for a reason. We split up over a year ago. I have now met someone at work. He is 40, I am 25. I have 2 children (he knows about them, asks about them), he has no children, never married either. He looks after his mum, from what other folks say he has never had a lasting relationship, and has been hurt many times. A guy who is single, unmarried, with no kids, at the age of 40 is usually fairly difficult to crack. He will have spent most of his life being single and will have many occasions where he wishes he was in a relationship but then he will revert back to the comfort and freedom of being single and for that reason he won't be too keen on asking a woman out. For those reasons they can be difficult to crack and even when you get into a relationship with them they may find it difficult losing their freedom. And if he's been hurt many times that's even more reason for him to avoid relationships and fall back to the comfort zone of being single. We often end up taking our 15 minute morning and afternoon breaks together, during which we almost always end up laughing, we get along so well. He has asked about past relationships of mine. He also told me one day whilst I had on a skirt that i had nice legs(!) We email each other occasionally and try to make excuses to see each other as we work on different floors. We flirt and I often catch him looking at me when he thinks i can't see. And he knows I am on the net and told me he is getting a pc. I gave him my email addy and phone numbers so he could call if he needs help setting up anything. This man seems like a decent man, kind and I like him very much, but I am very shy and don't know quite how to ask him as I am afraid incase I've picked his signals up wrong. This guy sounds like the ideal guy for you, based on your past experiences. He is kind and a decent man, he has been treated badly by women in the past, so if he finds one that treats him well, then he will see that as a positive. It may be the sort of guy you need to bring back your confidence that there are some nice blokes out there. I would feel so humiliated if I were rejected, then had to face him everyday, and face my colleagues. Unfortunately, I think in your case, eventually you will have to make it plain obvious that you fancy him. This guy is 40, probably lacks confidence in his ability to ask any woman out, in addition his mind will probably make the excuse not to ask you out, because he will want to revert back to his comfort zone of being single. His lack of confidence and lack of experience will probably make him think a woman of 25 is unlikely to find a guy of 40 attractive and he will be thinking exactly the same as you. What he will be thinking, is I don't want to humiliate myself, I maybe reading the signs wrong and this woman is 15 years younger than me, I'm single at the age of 40, so I'm not exactly the type of bloke even an older woman will go for, never mind a young sexy woman. He may also have second thoughts, from the point of view of you having kids. He may seem interested in them and may seem to welcome the fact that you have kids, but he will be using that as a way to build up a conversation with you by talking about something that interests you. Will a guy want the challenge of bringing up someone elses kids and the possibility that the kids might reject him as they get older and realise he is not their real father, these are the sort of things that will be going through his head. He is also shy so I don't think he'll ask me. I don't think he will ask you either. What will have to happen is, you will have to meet up outside of work, have some fun outside of work and that will bring better opportunities for him or you to ask each other out. Or for you both to make it obvious to each other that you attracted to each other. I can't ask him for a drink after work, as he doesn't live in the area and has to rush to catch his train. You said above: told me he is getting a pc. I gave him my email addy and phone numbers so he could call if he needs help setting up anything. You have used your initiative here and it's a very good ploy to get some time together with him, without making it obvious that you fancy him. If he responds to this, which I would hope he will, then this will be a good opportunity to get some time together outside of work. Unfortunately being a shy guy and being an inexperienced man, he might miss this opportunity to pretend he doesn't know how to set up his computer and men tend not to like looking idiots when it comes to technology. I have met this wonderful man who makes me feel fantastic and I have no clue how to broach it. I just wish he'd take the bull by the horns and kiss me! Can you analyse and advise me, please? What you need to do, is exactly what you have done, create chances to meet up outside of work, without making it too obvious that you are asking him out. Maybe he has a talent for plumbing and you have a dodgy pipe, in which case you could play the damsel in distress and hint that you want him to come round and have a look. Or maybe you need some help with some decorating again that's an opportunity to say "I could really do with some help, it's difficult being a single mother". What you said about the computer above is the absolutely ideal thing to say, you just have to hope that he bites. I find it very likely that he fancies you, a single guy of 40 would be well chuffed about a young lady of 25 fancying him. You need opportunities where you have the chance to flirt to a higher degree and get closer to each other and that's when you might get the opportunity to get that long awaited kiss. Followup message: Well, I wrote to you a few hours ago, you replied, and spoke a lot of sense, no wonder so many women come to you for advice, it's good getting it from someone on the outside who knows a male mind. Guess what? He has just sent me an email! He has set it up, but it's slow running, so i sent him some programmes to help with that, and i sent him msn - here is hoping, keep your fingers crossed for me! The fact that he has contacted you is a very positive thing, men don't usually ask women for advice on technical stuff, they become determined to sort it out themselves or get another male's advice. He said i am his first email, and asked how I am! (I feel like a teenager) He signed it at the bottom as first name surname, "from work" Like i wouldn't know who he is by his name alone, bless. So I have one further question, Sam. From your point of view, do you think he wants me? Is he hoping I'll ask him out? That's two questions.... From what you have said I would say he almost certainly wants you. He is a single 40 year old and will be chuffed that a 25 year old will even consider him. Yes, he will be hoping you ask him out, to save him the embarrassment/potential rejection. He will also value you as a friend because it sounds as though he has been having plenty of fun with you, so again he won't want to risk that friendship by asking you out, if you don't fancy him he will lose a good friend and face the humiliation at work. However give him time and if you are able to spend a bit of time together outside of work I'm sure something will happen where he ends up making a move, or where you both instinctively make a move for each other. The key to it is getting sometime together outside of work, because at work it's not going to happen. I don't know what you do for lunch breaks but maybe that is an opportunity to get away from work during the day. If you normally have lunch at work, you could say I'm going out for lunch tomorrow, then he might ask where are you going to, tell him the cafe/restaurant and say if he fancies coming he can, he might also ask why you are eating out, you can say I just fancy a change. Followup Message Shy followed my instructions and met up with her guy during a lunch break. They have since met up several more times. So it just shows that if you have the courage and determination you can get your guy.
Followup Message by Shy on 24.05.07
Shy 25 year old girl, fancied shy 40 year old boy, girl asked boy to lunch, boy came. Boy kissed girl. Boy and girl begin meeting regularly. Boy tells girl he loves her. Girl responds she loves boy too. Boy and girl are now very happy together. Thanks for giving me an update and allowing me to publish it on the web site. It really encourages me to continue with this web site when I know I have resulted in something great like this. Reply by Shy 19.12.07
It's
been a while, you probably won't remember me,
I first
contacted you on 24th February.
I got a
good one this time, thanks to your help in boosting my confidence and giving me
the courage to ask him out.
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