The confidence thing.

I find in my daily life and particularly through this web site that many women suffer from a lack of self confidence when it comes to dealing with men.

Top Excuses

He would never like me because next to his life mine must look boring...

He’s probably thinking exactly the same thing about you.  When a guy really fancies a woman, and I mean really and not for sex, he sees the woman as a princess.  He stops seeing her negative points and just adores her looks, the way she is and basically she turns into a superstar in his eyes.  It seems quite ironic that a guy is probably thinking exactly the same thing as you.  Life is not like a movie or a soap opera, that’s a fantasy world portrayed on TV.  Bruce Willis doesn’t really go around shooting people, getting injured, saving damsels in distress.  He wakes up in the morning like everyone else, he goes to the toilet like everyone else, he has to eat like everyone else, he’s just human (at least I hope he’s human!)

or just simply he will think i'm boring

Yes it’s true he might find you boring, but you never know unless you try and find out.  Just be yourself because if you act anything other than yourself then eventually he will find he has got with a person who is false and nothing like the person he thought you were.  If he looks at you adoringly, I somehow don’t think at that moment in time he is going to think you are boring.  He’s going to be wondering what you are like normally and whether you will turn out to be his ideal women.   A lot of men have boring lives too, that’s why they look to find a woman to brighten that life up.  You may not think you are brightening his life up by being you, but really guys are not used to women’s life, women give him a different perspective on life.  Let’s face it, if he does find you boring, then he isn’t the right man for you, you need to find that out sooner rather than later.  A boring lady to one man, can be an interesting lady to another man, men have different interests and women have different interests, whoever you are there is always an ideal match for you out there, you just need to find him.

He will never like me because I’m fat

It’s true that you if you are really fat, and I do mean really fat (obese), not pretend fat , then you are going to reduce the amount of guys that fancy you.  In that case you need to lose some weight, to increase the number of guys that might fancy you.  But really guys like women of different shapes and sizes.  I have covered this topic in an article I wrote a few years ago: “I am overweight and can’t  seem to attract men ”. 

It’s true that scientists have worked out a ratio called the waist-hip ratio, this is an ideal ratio that men find most attractive in a woman.  A ratio where women are meant to be at their most fertile.  Therefore women with this ratio will find that more men find them attractive, than women that don’t have this ratio.  But that doesn’t mean that some men don’t find other shapes attractive, it just reduces down the number of men that find you attractive.

The other thing I must point out is the word ratio, if you know what that means, you will know it’s about proportions.  If you have wider, fatter hips, you can still have a ratio of 0.7, if you waist is still 70% of the size of your hips.

And women that pretend they are fat, like they’ve just had a bar of chocolate and looked in the mirror and they can see that extra bar of chocolate already, stop being silly.  Do I find the stick thin Kate Moss attractive or do I find the curvier Mylene Klass more attractive?  Give me and many other men Mylene Klass  any day.

Your body is only part of the equation, the other most important part is our rapport and your personality.  If your personality doesn’t match mine, then it would be pretty boring just staring at your body for the rest of my life.

He will never like me because I’m ugly

Jo Brand is ugly, but she’s still married and has kids.  Why? Well probably because she has a good personality and she is actually more confident than other women who have her sort of appearance.  True if you look ugly then the number of guys interested are going to be reduced.  But what you can do is make yourself look more attractive, wear the right clothes, have your hair done, show off parts of your body that look good, be confident and demonstrate your personality.  

If you go to google and select "Images" to search for images, first of all type in "ugly betty" then type in "salma hayek".  It's hard to believe but they are the same woman.  I know she's made up to look ugly as part of her character, but it just shows what a difference people can make to themselves by wearing different clothes and different makeup and having a different hairstyle.

Hair is very important it’s probably the first thing that a guy notices about a woman, when he looks at her from a distance.  Nice looking, feminine hair makes him think, there is a healthy young looking woman over there, she looks after herself and has good hygiene.  If she has good hygiene on that part of her body, she’s likely to have good hygiene in other areas.  I sometimes make the mistake of seeing a woman with gorgeous hair and thinking, gosh there's a sexy young babe over there, she turns round and it turns out she is old enough to be my grandmother.  So that's how much hair makes a difference to a guy, get your hair done and notice the difference.

The other important thing to note about your perception that you are too ugly for anyone are the studies of what attracts men to women.  There are all sorts of theories but the basis of these theories suggest that guys go for women that have similar features to themselves or similar features to their mothers.  This was proven lately by headlines that twins that were seperated at birth got married without realising they were brother and sister.  So what I'm saying here is you are bound to have similar features to other people, whether you consider yourself ugly or not, it doesn't stop you from finding a guy that finds you attractive.

He will never like me because I have a spot on my butt

Come on, if it’s the first time he’s seen your body he’s hardly likely to notice the spot on your butt, never mind be even bothered about it.

He would never like me because I have a plain personality

I often talk about the majority of men on this web site, but the truth is all men are different in different ways.  It’s true that I can split men into different categories for the sake of definition when it comes to attractiveness, but overall a guy’s personality is very different to others.  It depends on how he was brought up by his parents, what his friends were like at school, how intelligent he is, what is social class is, the good things and the bad things that have happened to him throughout life.  All those things and many more mould him into a different person. 

The same thing applies to women, you have been moulded into something different, despite the fact I can make some generalisations, like most (not all) of you like shopping.  You are not plain, you are just you.  He might like you, he might not like you, but the truth is there are people out there that go well with your personality.  There are quiet guys that go well with a noisy bitch, there are outgoing guys that go well with a shy lady.  Whatever life has dealt you, there is an ideal kind of guy for you.

He'll think i'm a let down because its a long time since i've been with anyone

When a guy is younger or is a player, he is more likely to want a woman who is “up for it” and “looks good”, you know what I mean.  When a guy chooses a woman he wants a long term relationship with, he wants a woman that he can settle down with.  Is she a good cook, is she fertile, is she kind and caring, will she look after me or the kids when we are ill, is she likely to be faithful, is she feminine and not a ladette?  When he’s settling down he is more likely to find you attractive if you haven’t had many sexual partners and it looks as though you are the type that will be faithful. 

Just like some women make mistakes and go for the men that will use them for sex, some men make the mistake and go for women that are not likely to be faithful or satisfied with them long term.  I think men that go for women that haven’t been with anyone for a while, find that these women are far more likely to be more faithful and more caring towards them and therefore the relationship is more likely to work.  But the ultimate thing again, is different men, like different women, and some will go for women that haven’t been with anyone for a while.  I personally think he’s more likely to go with a  woman that hasn’t been with a guy for a while (as long as she is attractive to him), because he will know there is more chance of him winning her over and getting her to settle down into a long term relationship and more likely to worship him and be devoted to him.

Despite feminism and sexual equality coming in the last century in the UK, a lot of men still prefer to settle down with a traditional woman.  That’s why a lot of men seek foreign brides.  Men like to be the earner, like a faithful devoted woman and they like women to stay at home and look after the house and the kids, they just know they can’t say this sort of thing to an English woman, because it immediately spells out male chauvinist to a modern day woman.  For a long term relationship, they don’t want a woman who goes out drinking to nightclubs, sleeps around or is in a better job than they are. 

However saying that there are a minority of men that do like the role reversal, things are changing and this minority of men like to stay at home, look after the kids and look after the house, while the woman goes out working.

He'll think i'm old and past it

It is true that most men will not go any further than 4 years older than them and most men prefer women significantly younger than them, the younger the better.  So yes, I do think older women have their work cut out.  The tricks you can adopt is to go for guys your age or older or make yourself look younger.  If you are meeting a guy in real life, it’s not so much the number that matters, it’s more the age you look.  If you are the number 40 and you look 18, then he is going to see you as an attractive 18 year old until you drop the bombshell that you are 40.  The only place age matters is when you are on internet dating web sites, where a guy will search for younger women and photos aren’t a particularly good indicator of how young you look in real life.

Another alternative is to try not to tell a guy your age at first (but certainly don’t lie if he asks).  Age is a tricky one since guys want a woman with a maximum amount of child bearing years in them, particularly if they want to settle down and have children.  But there are guys out there that never want children and I do know a very minority of younger guys who like older women.  Age is one of those tricky ones.  The truth of the matter is you need to get to know a guy and demonstrate your attractiveness to them.  Yes, a younger guy is less likely to fancy you but it doesn’t mean that all younger guys won’t fancy you.  It doesn’t mean you should not put any effort into younger guys that you are attracted to because you could potentially be one of those super seductive women, if you put your mind to it.

He'll not want to get involved because I have Children.

Another tricky one, men do tend to try and avoid single mothers.  There are a lot of things that go through a guys head about single mothers that completely put him off.  So I need to explain these things, so that you can understand and maybe overcome them with a guy.

He doesn’t want to be looking after another man’s children.  He fears that the other man will either come back on the scene or interfere with the relationship.  He knows that the other man will want access to the children every now and then.  He will think he has to defend the woman from her ex, a guy likes to defend a woman, but to knowingly go into a relationship where he knows he’s going to have to do that is one extra hassle he will prefer not to go into.  Your former partner could be an armed robber, that quite likes knives and shotguns, does he really want to get shot. 

Possible solution: So you might find he’ll want a bit of information about your ex, but only give it to him if he asks and keep it brief. Re-assure him he’s not an axe-murderer who is going to be on parole in a few months.

 
There’s the difficulty of getting on with the children.  To the woman, her most important priority are the children and rightfully so.  A guy has to not only have a relationship with his girlfriend but her children as well, it’s difficult enough winning a woman over, but to win over her children as well, is an extra hurdle that seems close to impossible.  The more children she has the more he will think twice about a relationship, because the more children he needs to win over and the less likely she or even he is to want more kids.

Single men (never married) tend to build up a phobia of single mothers.  They are not used to children and find it extremely nerve wracking even thinking about relating to children, because they are not used to children.  That phobia is made even worse by a sort of paranoia amongst single men that if they do get on well with children they might look like a paedophile (it’s quite a stupid thought but it does go through a guys mind when they are not used to children).  They never quite know whether what they are saying or doing with a child may look or sound inappropriate and that holds them back from relaxing with a child and having fun.

Possible solution: If necessary, help him get on well with the children, if the children are enjoying time with him but he still seems to be lacking confidence, re-assure him, tell him and boost his confidence that he is doing well.

 
Other family problems is that he has to convince your parents, his parents and maybe even your ex’s parents that he is the right person for you and your children.  Then there are his friends, will his friends wind him up about having children and someone else’s children. 

Possible solution:  Make sure you tell your parents only about the positive things, don’t tell them about the negative things.  If they get any hint that he is doing anything bad to you, they will make their feelings known when they meet him.

She will also have the memories from her last relationship and may well carry them into her relationship with him.  Once she’s had a bad relationship with one man, all of sudden all men are treated with caution and presumed to be bad guys.  If he even shows the slightest hint at doing anything similar to her last man, then he gets some serious grief.

Possible solution: He needs to know if he is doing something wrong, but tell him nicely at first.  Don’t become confrontational and presume he is going to turn into your ex.  Balance what he doing, is it really something major and compare it with the good things he is doing.

He might want children eventually, you might not want anymore children because you have children already.   Again this might not necessarily be true, but it might be on his mind.

Possible solution:  To be honest if he is scared of this, he won’t really let it stop him having a relationship with you.  If he likes you enough, he will dispel this problem and think he will be able to persuade you anyway.

Money wise, he’s going straight into a relationship where he might have to provide for the woman and her children.  Usually he can grow his family gradually and build up his budget for the family home and the family spending, but now he has to immediately go into a ready made family, with family spending.

Possible solution:  If necessary, convince him that you are financially independent and that you are coping at the moment, so don’t need any hand outs.  If he does offer handouts then take them, but don’t go on about not being able to afford things.  Don’t increase your lifestyle and spending  with the expectation that he will get you out of debt.  You should continue to live under the same budget, until he’s living with you or thinking of getting married to you, then he should start making a contribution.  You don’t want to make him feel as though you are only interested in ripping his money off him.

For you, it’s up to you to destroy all the above issues and make him feel comfortable, hopefully now you know the issues it will give you the confidence to overcome them.  It’s a challenge but a challenge that many women succeed at in this day and age.  Remember there are a lot of single mothers out there and a lot of them are finding another man.

What type of men can you look for to increase your chances, well men that have been married before, who are more than used to children for a start.  But in general the shy guys that are not very good with women, you can often nurture them gradually into a relationship with you, men that are a  lot older are probably the strongest contender . 

So there are guys out there that can be persuaded to date and have a relationship with single mothers.  It’s all about seeking the right type of guy for your situation to give you the maximum possible chance of success.  And just experiment, give guys a chance, what seems like a guy that is not suitable or attractive to you at first may turn out to be the man of your dreams.

All that I can say is, it does happen and look at my article: Sam’s Favourite Article  as a prime example.  If you use myself as an example, I’ve never had much interest from single mothers and I prefer to avoid interest from them, however I have met some that I’m attracted to, and if they were to have tried hard enough and I enjoyed spending my time with them, I would have been persuaded.  It’s all about dispelling all the negative things and actually make the guy realise the positive things about you.  Let’s face it, there are so many single mothers, it will be difficult for all men to find a woman without looking at single mothers as a possibility.

He wont like me because i'm totally different from his ex

She’s his ex for a reason.  I have heard it’s true that guys go for women, based on who they’ve been out with in the past, but I’m not so convinced that it really is that important.  When he is initially looking at a woman and her features, maybe it plays a part, but when it comes to rapport.  Clearly he made a mistake with his ex and I hope he would realise that he shouldn’t be making the same mistake again by going for a woman exactly the same.

He won't like me because of my stretch marks/scars

If you walked around in a swimming costume he might tell you to cover up.  But really I doubt you do that everyday.  When he’s having sex with you, he’s hardly likely to be bothered about some stretch marks on you skin, his eyes and his concentration will be focused elsewhere.  Guys that are maybe going for women, for the sake of her looking good, it maybe an issue to this type of guy.  A guy that wants a long term relationship with a woman, he will be thinking more about your personality and the general look of your body than a few stretch marks on your legs.

I’m shy, what should I do

Some women are shy, some men are shy.  If you both stand there and do nothing, then nobody is going to get anywhere.  The only way to solve this situation is for one or both of you to get rid of the shyness at least for a brief moment and connect with the other person.

Should you ask a guy out or should you be asked out

A lot of women don’t have the guts to ask a guy out.  It’s true in the past it has been a guys job to take the risk.  Now we are in an age of sexual equality and some women should be taking the risk as well, in order to uphold the idea of sexual equality.

Whether you ask a guy out depends on the type of guy you are looking at, the timing and how you ask him out.  In general if the guy lacks self confidence or he perceives that you are very unlikely to fancy him, then you might well be the right one to ask him out.  A prime example of this is where there is a big age difference and your guy is significantly older than you and maybe doesn’t have self confidence with women.  Please read Sam’s Favourite Article  as a prime example of this situation.

In other situations where the guy is quite clearly confident then gentle hints can be given, this is where you believe that the guy is more than likely to have the courage to ask you out.  He has confidence in his ability with women and has had plenty of girlfriends in the past.  Of course you have to be confident you know him well and know he is not a player or someone who will use you for sex.  By gentle hints I mean through talking to him, showing interest in his work and hobbies, asking him for help with things, showing open body language and when things have progressed hinting that you fancy going to watch something at the cinema  or something to that effect.  You are not asking him out, you are simply giving him the opportunities and making him realise that maybe if he asks you out he has a good chance of you saying yes.  Please make sure you are ready to say yes before doing these things though, don’t turn into a teaser.

Say what you think

One place where confidence reflects badly on a relationship is where women don’t say what they think.  How many women say “I’m fine”, when really they mean “I’m not fine and if you don’t realise that very soon, I’m going to kick your arse”.  The truth is men are not mind readers, if you want a long term relationship with a guy based on understanding, then there’s no point in telling him the complete opposite to what you are thinking.  He can’t rectify a problem if he doesn’t know there is a problem and he doesn’t know what the problem is.  Most guys will welcome you saying what you think as long as you don’t do it in an aggressive, manipulative or sulky way.  If he doesn’t welcome it then lets face it, your relationship is not going to go very well in the future and you need to know sooner rather than later.  A relationship is about two people enjoying their time together and getting on in the best possible way, it’s about mutual understanding and sometimes compromise, if you don’t communicate, the relationship is not going to go very well.

Going out

Another area of relationships where women seem to hold back, is deciding where to go out to.  If you like going somewhere then let him know.  Say I fancy going to the seaside today.  Don’t constantly hassle him until he says yes, but let him know, hint.  Some men lack imagination when trying to work out where to take a woman, some men prefer women to help him make a decision by giving him clues of where you like to go.  Other men like to be in full control, you have to judge by what type of man you have got.  But you can usually judge by when you make hints, how does he take it, is he pleased or is he annoyed. 

Never make the hints while you are somewhere, because you make him feel as though he has made the wrong decision.  He takes you to the country for the day and you hint “I fancy going to the seaside.  Try and make the hints a few days after he last took you out somewhere.

Women are usually much better at planning holidays and much better at planning social outings, he wants to use those talents of yours, he doesn’t want you holding back and saying “whatever”, “not bothered where we go”,” whatever you think”.  There’s nothing worse than when she won’t contribute ideas of where to go every now and then, so he comes up with somewhere and she doesn’t like it “so she sits the whole time they are there with a sulky spoilt brat face on her”.

I’ve had a bad time with men in the past, so it’s not going to work

All men are individuals.  Whilst on this web site I try to break them down into stereotypical groups for the purpose of explaining them and explaining men’s behaviour in general, all men are different and individual.  Just because you’ve been hurt by a few men, doesn’t mean all men are bad.  It just means that you chose the wrong men or the relationship went wrong.  Nowadays the usual reason for a relationship going wrong is because of the modern day culture of rushing things.  Guys want to have sex as soon as possible, some women probably do as well, but in general women probably feel pressured into having sex too soon, because they feel as though a man wants that.  The truth of the matter is, if a guy really wants the relationship to work and you want the relationship to work , then you have to slow down and go through the proper stages in a relationship.  You may find that a guy turns out to be the wrong bloke before you’ve even had sex or because you haven’t had sex with him.   Well that’s good because it shows the process of filtering the guy that’s right for you from the guy that’s wrong for you is working.  Check out a posting in my forum 12 Steps of Pair Bonding

Men and confidence

What women don’t realise is the same applies to men, a lot of men suffer from a lack of self confidence too.  Some men don’t lack self confidence in their every day lives but when it comes to women they are so confused and so lacking experience with women that it makes them nervous and unconfident.   Some men even appear confident when they are dealing with women, often though they are hiding the fact that beneath, they are seriously nervous and very keen to make a good impression.

Of course there are many men out there that are players and know how to work women and you know they are pretty confident, but often they are not the right type of guys for women to go for.  Maybe they are just at the stage in their life where they want to explore sex and go out with as many women as possible, but overall a lot of them like to move from one woman to the next.

So remember men lack confidence too, and if you show a lack of self confidence, it can sometimes rub off on him and make him nervous as well.  So don’t do it.  I’m not saying act super confident and become overpowering, I just mean forget about the fact that you are not confident and just enjoy yourself.

Want to get the opinion of other ladies who visit this web site?  Try my new forum .