I'm writing to you because I'm looking for an objective opinion regarding a highly emotional and completely deranged situation.

When I was 17, I met a guy who was nearly a decade older than me. I was intimate with him very, very, very quickly (my mistake, but I was stupid.) Oddly enough, he was my first.

Well you have to learn sometime, best to learn early on I suppose. 

We supposedly "dated" for almost two years. It ended horrifically, he had cheated on me with one woman he was dating for ten years and a number of other random hook-ups, some of whom he met off line. Most likely looking for sex.

As you indicated earlier, you probably made a mistake getting intimate too quickly.  This would have increased the likelihood of him being unfaithful because you skipped the bit of getting to know each other.  Once you skip that bit it's close to impossible to get to know someone because everytime you meet your minds are on sex and any talking that you end up doing is usually a matter of reassuring each other that it's ok to have sex because we do chat, rather than chatting to get to know each other and chatting to have a happy relationship.  Still from his point of view he was an idiot for being unfaithful, once unfaithful, always unfaithful, so you are better off without him.

I started realizing what was going on, so I put every effort to ruin his life. Because, at that time, ending badly was the only way I'd have it. And, even now, I think that both of our actions to eachother are UNFORGIVEABLE.

A year later, he contacts me-- while with a girlfriend-- and decides to talk to me again.

I wonder why? Is he doing exactly the same thing with her as he was doing with you?  I would guess so, as I say once unfaithful, always unfatithful, he'll be wanting to get sex out of a few women at a time and he knows he can get away with it, because he has in the past.

These conversations regard the end of our last relationship and are mostly about his situation in life.

In a way he probably does regret the way he was with you but he has unfaithfullness built into him, so he obviously didn't value you that much.  By discussing things with you, he's trying to correct the situation so he can start a relationship with you again and mainly have sex. 

He breaks up with his girlfriend a month later, and we end up being intimate again the following month.

Inevitable! 

Now, I'm aware that this was a mistake.

I thought you would afterwards, but I can't begin to understand how these guys manage to persuade women. 

I love him very much, enough to say I'd dedicate my life to him REGARDLESS-- if my heart had its way. I've noticed that he'd only really pick up my calls if it was for sex.

Exactly, he only wants the hassle of speaking to you and sweetening you up, if he knows he's going to get what he wants at the end of it.  If he's not in the mood for sex, he's not going to make the effort. 

So, I stopped having sex with him. Still though, if I'm mad at him or angry with him, he'll call me and text me on my phone wanting to know if I "hate him" and that I shouldn't.

Why, shouldn't you hate him, he's an arsehole and he should know that.   He shouldn't need convincing otherwise, the fact that he asks you whether you hate him, he knows there's an issue there in his own mind (he thinks you hate him, which you should).

He'll sometimes ask me to take care of him and call him pet names or say that he's loyal to me in some wierd way.

On the face of it, he's probably this confident looking guy, in reality though, he's very insecure and unconfident.  He can't have long term relationships with women and wants women to reassure him that he is wanted, loved and liked by them. 

Everytime I've reminded him we shouldn't be talking, he brushed it off. He'll play the obvious "men games" like the phone game.

I know what you mean and I know a lot of men play these games, but they are exactly the men that you and many women fall for.  So on the one hand you say you don't like these "men games" but on the other hand you don't seem to want to go for the nice men.  The fact is, you should have ditched this guy long ago and not even bothered talking to him again.  You've tried but don't seem to succeed.

He'll play this game where he feigns disinterest in sex to get me "hooked." I'm aware of most of these games and I stop them QUICKLY. When I told him we both needed distance, he immediately called me back. I have refused to pick up the phone and call him because I'm not into the same abuse with him. People warn me, he'll try doubly hard to keep in touch.

Yes, he will, he'll know that if he keeps on hassling, he'll persuade you to have sex with him again.  But I'm glad you are trying your best not to let him get to you.

Guys say he only wants ass. Women say he wants ass and he has some kind of heart for me, but in his own way.

I'm more inclined to think the second option is true.  Most men will not admit or say anything emotional and therefore they wouldn't admit they have a heart for a woman.  I think these type of guys do want sex, but sex plays two parts in their lives, there's the fun of having sex, then there's the feeling that a woman must love them to agree to have sex.  So essentially you are giving him two things, you are giving him fun, whilst also making him feel loved and in a way he will have a heart for you.  But the truth is I think this way of thinking by men is very selfish because everything is about him, it doesn't take into account the woman's needs.  He wants to feel loved, but he does the minimum to make you feel loved, probably because he thinks that women think the same way and think that having sex with you makes you feel loved too.  It might do, I don't know because I don't think like a woman, but I would guess a woman wants more than that. 

The fact is these guys are outwardly confident and secure but inwardly they seriously lack self confidence and are seriously insecure.  I think they move from one woman to the next because they fear being rejected themselves and fear relationships because they don't think they will be any good at relationships.  I don't think women should encourage these type of guys, I think they should learn like the rest of guys that women need to be treated with respect.

Sam, both of these are unacceptable to me. I've loved him once and it took months to recover emotionally-- I'm still scarred. And though I'll take him back after cheating on me and denying me and all of that in good faith, it's only under the EXPLICIT circumstances that he too, loves me.

No, you shouldn't take him back at all, even if he comes back with the imaginary excuse that he loves you now.  He's been unfaithful to you once and is likely to do it again.  Relationships always have the memories of people being unfaithful and unless you've been together say 10 years or more, I don't think it's very likely a relationship will work second time.

I'm asking you, a man, why another man would play such stupid games.

I've never played these games myself and I'm still single myself, unfortunately I get the feeling that most women think nice guys are "just friends".  I sometimes get the feeling that I should play these games to become successful with women.  But then I remember it is just not me and I'm not acting like an arsehole just to get with women. 

But aside from that I think it's most probably issues in his past that has made him like this.  Ultimately he has problems with committment and problems with his self confidence.  You don't say whether his parents are seperated, but if they are it could be that his childhood has made him like this, it could be because women treated him badly earlier in life, it could be that his parents neglected him as a child.  There is usually an underlying issue there. 

Sometimes it can be a bad habit he picked up when he was younger, he had sex too soon with his first girlfriends and because of that he only knows how to rush relationships and get that buzz early on.  From there he probably hasn't worked out why the relationship is not working with any of these women.  The reason why the relationship hasn't worked with these women is that he skipped the steps of getting to know the women first and moved straight onto sex.  These 12 steps to a relationship are mentioned in my forum.

If I had done something horrible to YOU in a relationship, I'd doubt you'd try to regain contact. So what is his DEAL?

It's worked before with you and probably other women, he's won you back and knows once he's done that successfully once, he can do it again.  He might have to jump different hoops each time but he'll get there eventually.  The fact is that despite the way he has treated you, you are still thinking about him and still talking about him.

Reply by Nia 27.03.08

This is the second time I'm trying to send a message. I'm hoping it will go through because I'm heart broken right now.

When I was 17, I met and gave my virginity to a man who is much older than I. I, however, am a lot more mature than he is. I didn't know that he had a long term relationship with a woman which lasted 9 years prior to, and the entire span of our 1 1/2 relationship. He had told her and her friends that I was an online stalker and that he had never met me. I wrote a letter telling them every truth and made sure I was as cruel and malicious as possible. Needless to say, he lost the girl and the friends. But, it took me nearly  a year to get over it. My heart was crushed, I've never in my life cried so much.

With the extra bit of detail in this email it sounds even more guy wrenching to me.  You really shouldn't have given this loser anymore chances once you found out those details about him. 

A year after the breakup, and a year into his new relationship, he comes back into my life through e-mails on a social networking site. When we talk on the phone, he talks about our break-up and his life and situation. He manages to somehow apologize for being "Cruel." And admits that I "reacted" to what he had done to me because I wasn't "used to the treatment."

Ah, so that's how he got around you.  Because you'd done a seriously bad thing to him, he made it sound as though you were both on an equal keel now and he was forgiving you.  Making you forget that it's you that should be forgiving him.  And being repentant and wanting to seek forgiveness for his mistakes.  Very, very clever.  

A month after the first conversation, and more random e-mails, he breaks up with his gf. A month after that, me and him are sexually intimate. I begin to realize that his only interest could be sex, so I tell him no more sex. Of course, this hurt my feelings. And confuses me because I don't know why he'd bother trying to surmount all of the bad-blood between us just for sex.

Because he has no better options for women at the moment than the women he has been with in the past.  He feels lonely and despondant that none of his relationships never seem to work, because he's clueless  about how to have a long term relationship and scared of the committment. 

He plays the phone game (where he won't pick up etc.) and skirts around all discussions about our relationship. This is common. But, the fact that he knows I love him and I'm emotionally attached, I think, should scare him away. It does not.

I think the fact that you are emotionally attached would not scare him away because he'll know he can play on that attachment to win you over. 

I tell him he shouldn't be talking to me, he says he's still loyal to me and I make him feel less lonely and that he didn't want to be enemies with me.

You probably make him feel less lonely, but saying he is still loyal, is a bit ridiculous isn't it. 

But, when I tell him similar things, he'll feel bad. If I'm mad at him, he'll quickly try to resolve it with "are you mad at me?!?". Sometimes, he gets weak and he'll ask me to take care of him, cook for him, come over and relax; he'll even ask for petnames.

I hadn't read this message before replying to your last one.   This only confirms what I typed in my last responses, he is insecure and unconfident and wants to feel loved.  He's slightly confused about why his relationships keep failing but by his age, that should be pretty obvious, surely.

Other times, he'll try to reject me (when I wasn't even looking for approval.) And when I say this, he tells me to not "double reject!!" Like he's on some kind of mind playing system.

This could be what he's learnt over the years or it could be from reading certain books or going on certain courses about how play women, or he might even have learnt it from other men that are successful with women. 

I told him if he wanted revenge, he would not be able to get it. Still, he's in contact. And I call him, and he won't pick up. But If I don't pick up his calls, he's slightly offended.

Because he knows the reasons why he doesn't pickup and thinks you have those same reasons. 

He's jealous of any other men in my life but shows no interest in any other department. Sometimes, I think he might love me, and other times, I think he might hate me. Understand, I love him deeply and completely. If I followed my heart, I'd give him my life and my womb. But my mind knows what he's capable of.

He certainly doesn't hate you, that I can guarantee.  I do believe he probably loves you, but I also believe he certainly isn't right for you.  You are going to go through all this mess with him for the rest of your life if you continue to give him a chance.

Would a man truly make ammends with a she-devil like this? Would he HONESTLY forgive something I've done that caused so MUCH damage?

It could be that he's trying to get his revenge by shagging you, but I very much doubt it.  If he really hated you, he wouldn't want to be in the same room as you or even the same building with the chance of seeing you.

My male friends say he only wants sex; my female friends say he wants that but he also loves me in his own way.

I've answered that in the previous message.

What's his deal, Sam? I refuse to play these mind games. I told him I want distance, he's calling immediately. He texts me the next day. I told him I wanted WEEKS.

He doesn't want you to forget about him, because as soon as you forget about him, you will move on and he won't have any chance to get back in your life again. 

I just don't get it. Does he care for me?

I think deep down he probably does care, he's just a bit dumb about how to show it and a bit numb to actually show any form of care. 

Why is he playing this game? Does he honestly fear me this much? (he says he's afraid of me-- then WHY is he TALKING TO ME?!?!)

I don't really understand what he is saying here either. 

I feel like I'm pushing him away, against my heart's desire. I'm afraid of heartbreak. And I want far more than what he's willing to give.

You really should move on and find someone else, otherwise you are just going to spend the rest of your life going through this sort of thing with him.

I don't want this to go on forever. A year did nothing to stop contact. And I still love him. What's going on?

I think you are just a bit disillusioned, you need to move on and you are holding onto him for absolutely no reason whatsoever, apart from you feel attached to him and feel as though you will miss him.  But you won't miss him, once you are happy with another guy.

Reply by Nia 29.03.08

I wanted to thank you for your prompt response. I appreciate the time you took to answer my questions-- honestly, you have no idea how much it helped.

I'm optimistic that one day I'll find someone who will not play games and who will be able to know who he is and what he wants in a woman. I have nothing but time :) Thanks. 

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