Updated 29.05.2007 

Sam I'm 37 and my problem is this.

I met a guy (47)who I think a lot of and he thinks a lot of me.  I know he does in many ways and by little things he does for me and says to me and by what he says to other people about me.

Problem is, he has a habit of standing me up on the odd occasion and not letting me know that "his" plans have changed.

Men can be forgetful at times but if they forget once and you give them a toasting they rarely do it again.

For example it's only been 4 months and in that time, he was late for our first date. He invited me to a concert and never got back to me about it.  I know I should have learned then.  You did warn me.

Yes, I did warn you (see previous article ), but sometimes the only way to find out is to try him out and it looks like you have done that, unfortunately.  And I am now guessing that I was right with my comments?

Since then, we have grown closer and developed a sexual relationship but it is not solely based on sex as he is happy enough to cuddle in bed at night and be content.  And we do have some successful dinner dates that he actually attends.

It seems that you have taught him that he needs to show a little respect to keep you, he's actually corrected his behaviour and you have given him sex to reward him for that.  Though by what you have said in the past, sex was probably all he was after in the first place.

Three days ago I raised the issue of his tardiness and lack of respect at letting me know he wasn't going to turn up to my house like he would say he was going to for dinner or something.  As it had started to happen repeatedly.  Not every time.  But sometimes. 

Oh, so he's back to his old ways?  As if he has got complacent about convincing you that he wants to be with you. 

He acknowledged that it was a polite thing to let someone know if they were going to be late etc, etc, and I thought we had reached a mutual understanding and that in future he would be more courteous to me.

I told him that it showed a lack of respect towards me.  He told me that his feelings for me were very true and that to prove it he gave me a gold necklace of his to wear and of course, said all the right things and professed his desire for us to keep growing closer.

Objects like gold necklaces are nothing, they are a cheap way of winning a woman over, what you want is respect and love they are more precious than a bit of metal to hang round your neck.

Well Sam, I've had that necklace on for 3 days and it is already now back in his hands. Last night, my daughter (11) and I were supposed to have dinner with him and his daughter (19).  His daughter didn't turn up or let him know what was happening (like daughter like father) and he had the hide to say he was annoyed with her for doing that.

OK, I would be annoyed about someone not turning up, though with his track record I agree that he didn't have much room to talk. 

The point is, he invited my daughter and I, booked the table, made the arrangements, confirmed them with me at 6.30 that evening and when my daughter and I arrived at the pre-arranged time of 7.30 he is in the bar and when I ask him where our table in the restaurant was, he said, "I've canned it."

What? Why?  That is just stupid, ignorant, irrational and selfish.  And demonstrates a lack of respect for you and your daughter and a lack of value with your relationship.  First of all he shouldn't have canned the table, if he'd actually booked it in the first place, secondly if he wanted to cancel the table he should of gave you a good reason and discussed it with you first.  A relationship is about two people not about him doing what he pleases.

Well, my jaw nearly hit the floor.
Today I ended it Sam.
Please tell me I did the right thing.

You definitely did the right thing, I only hope you aren't going to make the same mistake as many other women and let him win you back, because he'll only mess you about again and again.  He wants sex and when he wants sex he will persuade you that he wants you.  This guy doesn't value you enough for you to even consider having a relationship with him.

Every other aspect of the relationship was fine except this.

Yes, but this is a very big thing and you say every aspect of the relationship is fine, but the only other positive things you can say about him is that he had cuddles with you and gave you a gold necklace of his.  Once men become adults it's very difficult to change them.

I'm very disappointed that something like this has brought it all undone.

Time to find another man! 

I was the one who told him to hold back.

When I gave him back that necklace, I saw his face and it was like I gut punched him.  But I was feeling pretty gut punched myself and took no sympathy on him.  But I'll remember that look.  I know it is only a piece of metal, but I think it did mean a lot to him to give it to me.

That all being said, I know there are no excuses for him and his rude and inexcusable lack of manners when it comes to time and arrangments.

If you'd have only told me about this one occasion where he lacked manners and didn't really consider you, I wouldn't have been telling you to finish with him.  What I would have said is he's made a mistake and everyone makes mistakes, negotiate your way through the mistake like any normal couple would do.  But instead you have gave me the whole picture of what the relationship has been like, and to me it seems as though your relationship has been very one sided in which he has taken far more than he has given back and demonstrated a lack of committment towards you, for example making comments like "I might keep you", and he was starting to fall in love with you (after how long knowing you?).

But pride is going to stop me from saying what I want to him.  I wish I hadn't been so determined so soon to throw it away without trying harder to get him to understand and work on what I wanted and what I needed.

You need to learn a few things from this relationship.  Firstly you need to learn that relationships are about two people, those two people need to be fairly synchronised in their progress throughout the relationship.  Secondly both people need to be diplomatic and discuss things with each other, otherwise frustrations are just going to build up and if the other person doesn't know about those frustrations they can't do anything about them.  You need to be willing to be flexible every now and then and your partner should also be flexible every now and then.  Thirdly you need to ensure that both of you want to be in the relationship with each other, not just because your desperate for sex or desperate to be loved by someone.
 

I've dumped him for this one known fault of his whereas I have more than 100 faults but he likes me anyway.  Even though I already showed him a few of my own.  Where he's placid about everything, I'm the type of person to come out with both barrels blazing.

Yes, it's true you need to understand that guys have some faults and tell him that you are not happy with them in the hope that he might correct his ways. Yes you shouldn't be so impulsive and tempremental, but again I must emphasize the fact that in my opinion he wasn't right for you.  Of course I can't always be right and I can only go on what you write about him and yourself, but I have based my opinion on those facts you have given me.

Sure it can come back to it just being about sex for him but I just don't know what to think.  My gut instinct tells me lots of things lots of times and it is often right, but my gut instinct about this says it wasn't just the sex.

To be honest now you have told me a bit  more about him, like "He used to tell me how nice it was just to hold me and have someone to care about like this again", this demonstrates a bit more that he actually wanted someone to love him as well.  So he was using you for sex and love, but this all seemed one sided, it was all about him, him and him and he hasn't showed you anything to demonstrate that he wanted to give you much back, for that reason it is my gut instinct that he is not for you.

Anyway, what I'm asking you is, should I swallow some of my pride since it keeps me lonely and do what it is I want to do and say in it in an email to him for instance, or do I stand my digs and wait for him to contact me.  If he really cared about me, wouldn't he contact me?

If he really cared about you, yes he would contact you.  What I would recommend is you concentrate on finding someone else.  You really need to get over this guy otherwise you are just going to continue putting yourself through the same thing over and over again.  Within a year of getting back with him you will be back to stalemate.  It's much better for you to concentrate on finding your ideal man and using that year more constructively.  Yes, it's going to hurt splitting with him but relationships often hurt, you get over it with time.

Who should make the break here first?

I don't think either of you should make any break, but if you really do want to give it a go, you need to be the one contacting him, because you are the one that has finished him.

After all, he thinks I no longer want anything to do with him, when it's not that, I just want him to acknowledge bloody time and arrangements.  It is a ridiculous situation and it sometimes sounds so petty.

It does sound petty based on that one incident, but  based on the whole picture it was the right thing to do.

This waiting to see what is going to happen is killing me.  I know you want to smack me right now.

Well I wouldn't go that far.  In the end it's your decision, I can only give my honest opinion.