thanks for being here for us to ask our crazy questions.

Firstly, I had been dating a guy for 8 months.  4 months into the relationship and unhappy with a loss of hours and income at his place of work, he discussed the possibility that he might move away for work and come back to town every few weeks.

He didn't go.

He was probably trying to get your opinion on what you think of that idea.  If you encouraged him to go for it and you were happy with that, he would have probably jumped at the chance.  I think he was just asking for direction from you.  The fact that he lost hours and income would have depressed him quite a bit and made him want to get away and to a place where he could forget about the last job and where his job prospects would be better.

3 months later, in the November he casually said, "what do you think about us sharing rent together?"

I replied, "I think we should see how things go between us for a while first."

End of conversation.

Again he is asking you for direction, what should he do.  It may seem as though he's trying to push you into things.  But really what he is saying is I like this idea, what do you think?  A lot of people might think that blokes are the ones that take charge of a relationship, but really blokes often look to their female partners for direction and make sure they are happy with ideas.  There are some blokes that are control freaks and some blokes that think it's their role to take charge but often that's them just thinking they are doing their duty of taking charge, rather than wanting to.

The next morning, fearing that he may have thought I cut him off abruptly, I cleared it up by saying, "last night when you said about us possibly sharing rent, I would prefer that we move in together for reasons more than just rent."

His finances are probably wobbly at the moment and you are right to question his reasons for moving in.  Is it the rent or is it so he can see more of you.

He said, "Oh yes, of course."

I said, "Lets give it until after Xmas and we'll see what's going on." 

November came and suddenly the subject of working away came around again.  This time he decided he would take the job.  He moved 1200km away.

Gosh, not just round the corner then or the next town.

He initially planned on it being for 2 years and claimed he would come home every 3 months.

After one month, he told me he missed me and wanted me to come up and visit him.  He sent me money for the airfare and I spent a week with him with him driving 2 hours each way to pick me up and drop me back at the airport.

It really seems as though he wants you with him. I think he would have preferred for you to say from the beginning, yes, I fancy going away with you, let's go.  He can't live life on his own, he wants to share it with someone, equally though, he wants to get his career in order, so he can find some financial security in his life and feel as though he is achieving something.

He has now been there 3 months and he doesn't like it and has applied for a job back home.  He says if he gets an interview and has to come home, he will pack up and stay home and pick up work somewhere.

In the next breathe, he says he will stay another 3 months.

Then in the next breathe, he says he will stay another 6 months.

He really is confused, he needs you to give your opinion and give him some direction.

Then in another breathe, he says one of his mates up there, has a house for lease for the next 6 months and he'll wait for him to finish the lease before, he comes home too.

That reason really irks me.

That's a mans reasoning, cheap place to live, save up some money, then come back when he's more financially secure.  It also means there's a distinctive motivation for him to come back, his friend is travelling back at the same time (let's hope his friend is not equally indecisive!).  At the moment there's nobody demanding him to come back, so by his friend coming back that will give him the motivation to do it.

He's been fantastic at keeping contact with me and I speak with him and get texts from him at least 3 - 4 times a week.  When I arrived up there everyone said all he did was talk about me and they all said thank god I'd finally came.

He does like you a lot from what you have said.  And I think he would be a lot more stable, if you said, yes I'll come out there and live with you.  That would show a dedication to him, that he is probably looking for.  He's looking for someone to love him and firstly you didn't say you would go with him to this other town, then you said no to sharing the rent together.  So he will still feel as though you don't have a dedicated love towards him and to miss him so much that you would move with him.

While I was up there, we were driving along and he said, "I might have to come home and rent your 3rd bedroom."

I didn't know if he was fishing, but I lightly and jokingly replied that "my rent charges were very expensive." 

End of coversation.

It was probably partly he was fishing for your opinion and partly he was saying it to humour you.  But the overall thought is that's what he wanted to do.  And he wanted you to demonstrate how much you loved him and say yes.

When I arrived home, I again thought that I may not have given him the answer he was after, however he had not asked me the question that I wanted to hear either.  Which was, "Would you like to live together."

It's different words, a woman expects it to be worded like that, a guy expects to word it his way and for the woman to understand that it means he wants to live with you as well.  Guys do not automatically think, he's not wording it right for a woman, as far as he can see he's just saying something that he wants to happen.

There is no way in this world that I would let him move in and rent the 3rd bedroom.  I don't want to be screwing a tenant basically.  I would only allow him to move in if he wanted to have a proper relationship and share the same bed with me.

I think he actually does want that from what you have said.  It's just that as a guy he can't possibly pick those right words to say to a woman.  When he is speaking he has to get across the practical reason for moving in, rather than his emotional reason.  Because he's a guy and guys are taught not to say "I really love you, do you feel as though we could live together because I want to be with you".  Yes, he does have other reasons as well, like he needs to save the money and share the financial burdens, but really he most likely wants you as well, he just doesn't know how to express those feelings.

So I text him and I said.

"Was trying to tell you, no to 3rd bedroom, yes to my room, but anywhere down this area will do."

End of conversation.

He never replied with anything about that.

He probably didn't know how to interpret that, were you being funny with him, or manipulating words, he just wouldn't know what way to interpret it.  He might have come to the conclusion that it was a woman get slightly creepy and trying to tell him something that he quite simply did not understand.

He has a place to stay when/if he comes home so it's not like he needs to move in with me, and I don't really want him moving in with me straight away anyway.

Well that's what you need to tell him.  "He has a place already and I'm not ready for you to move in yet". 

I'm just not sure whether he is seriously considering it or just throwing out jovial comments about it.

He is seriously considering it but trying to make it sound jovial, in case you don't like the idea.

I'm finding the long distance relationship thing very hard. 

Most people do, I've said many time on my web site, long distance relationships are very difficult. 

My mood swings are up and down all the time, but I don't take it out on him.  And while I'm not happy about him being away, I hold back on telling him how much I hate it and what I hate about it, and how much I hate him for going because, I don't want to rock the boat. 

I think it's time you told him.  But tell him in a non-confrontational way.  He will like the fact that you miss him, he will see that as a sign that you love him.  You don't need to tell him how much you hate him for going, that's just a negative thought, that you want to beat him up about, there's no point in having that sort of thing as part of your relationship.  What you do need to tell him is the reasons why you miss him, they are positive things.  If he doesn't like what you are saying then quite frankly you can't communicate properly with each other and therefore can't have a proper relationship.  It's not about rocking the boat, it's about two people getting on together and communicating in a positive way.

I just know that I haven't got anymore than 12 months of this in me.

Then you need to project your feelings now and see if he manages to fix those problems.  If he doesn't then there's little point in carrying on a relationship where something is sucking the life out of you.

While I was visiting him, he opened a new bank account calling it our travel account and added me as the signatory, so that he could put money in it and I could draw it out so that I could travel up there.

Again, he's demonstrating in a way that a man can only demonstrate, he's willing to sacrifice his precious money, just to see you.  He wants you both to have a joint account, so it can signify that you are together.  He wants to make you feel like you are a couple.  He's just struggling to hold onto you and is kind of lost about how to hold onto you.  Probably just as much about you not telling him your feelings, so he's left baffled trying to work out what he needs to do for you.

He's 48 and I'm 38.

I think he's really trying hard to keep me and himself happy at the same time, but sometimes I think to myself, while I wait for him, and he considers waiting for his mate, who the hell is waiting for me?

Do I sound selfish?

I don't think you can call this selfish.  What is happening here is that you are not having a fulfilling relationship, you are not communicating, he is not satisfying you, that's not selfish, it's your feelings. He's is trying his best to hold onto you and wants to keep you happy but at the same time wanting to boost his own self confidence by having a decent, stable job.  He probably thinks by having a decent, stable job that would make you happy, but at the moment he's having to fight several things and those things are not falling into place.  He's got to fight to keep you, fight to find a stable job, fight to keep a roof over his own head. 

I don't mean to.

This LDR thing is just so hard.

We've been talking about me coming up again.

So much for his 3 monthly home visits, but I know he doesn't like to fly and I think that he's worried if he comes home, he won't go back.

Yes, he will be and if he doesn't like flying, that is one extra thing that's keeping him away. 

He wants me to try and get a flight closer to where he lives.  I can do that, but it's going to cost him a pretty penny, anywhere from $400 to $1300 if there are limited seats left.

I sent him the prices and details in an email 2 days ago.  As yet, no reply to it.  He probably hasn't picked himself up off the floor yet. 

Yes, I think so. On the one hand he will want to demonstrate to you that he wants you there and he's not a cheapo, on the other hand he knows those prices will break the bank.  So he'll be debating how to answer you.  He'll be running through his problem solving mind, trying to think of a solution.

Sam I don't even know what I'm asking of you.  I just want to see if you can get a feel of where he is coming from.  Before he went away, he wasn't being the best boyfriend a girl could have, but, he means well and I love and care for him very much and would like our relationship to continue to grow. 

Most men don't know what makes the best boyfriend a girl can have.  Different women want different things and even where women want the same things a guy is usually clueless to want women think or feel.  So guys struggle to impress their women, because basically they don't understand women, they only understand the way a bloke thinks.

While I was away, he said to me out of the blue "you are a pretty easy woman to please."

He's a very deluded man, no woman is easy to please, it sometimes appears like that to a guy if the woman is being passive and submissive.  But, I think really what's going through a woman's mind is totally different, she's in a rage because he can't mind read and know what she wants.

Sometimes it's because women don't tell blokes what they want because they "don't want to rock the boat".  Instead what they want comes out in a blazing argument in a confrontational way.  Like you didn't do this for me, you didn't do that for me, you never do this, and remember when you did this awful thing, that I hated but none of which I have ever told you about until now.  I just want to throw everything at you that you have ever done wrong, all in one go (usually by that time the woman is at a point where she doesn't see the relationship going any further). 

Women need to get their needs across to a man, in a non-confrontational and non-manipulative way.  If they do they won't be rocking the boat, they will be communicating with their man.  If they can't communicate with the man, there's little point in continuing the relationship.  If he gets angry with you communicating then you've either done it in a confrontational way, a way he doesn't understand, a manipulative way or he doesn't like communication, if he doesn't like communication then it's time to ditch him.

I said "I know."

He said "that's a hard thing to find in a woman these days."

I said "I know."

End of conversation.

(if only he knew that here I am, not so easy to please.)

Exactly, so you've just told him the complete opposite to what you are thinking.  Is that good?  How can he possibly do anything about it, if he thinks everything is going well?

What's he trying to tell me in man speak Sam?

My opinion of what he is trying to say, is all above.

Reply by waiting it out 08.03.08

I thought I'd write to you and give you the recent update.  Before you replied back to me, he had called me last night.  He\'d had a few to drink and was a little tipsy.  We discussed my upcoming trip, talked, laughed and joked for about an hour before eventually hanging up.

5 minutes later, my phone rang again.

It was him.

And this time, the tipsiness was all gone from his voice and I could tell he was trying to be very serious.

He told me that there were two job opportunities that may come his way that could bring him back home.

He then went on to say that the more time he spent 1200km away at his current job, the more used to it he got and he thought he might be able to stick it out.

 He then went on to say,

"There's just one thing, if I decided to stay where I am, would you consider moving up here with me.  I miss you so much and I want you here with me.  He told me that he didn't know what he was going to do, but all he knows is that wherever he is, he just wants to be with me."

It takes so much bravery for a guy to say something like that, he must really like you to have the guts and the thoughts to say those things.

Hopefully you'll be proud of me when I tell you that I told him I found the current arrangement very difficult and that sometimes I got angry with him, and myself and the situation that we now have and that I would calm down again and that my head was all over the place with it being like this.  I told him that I was not going to be able to do this for a very long period of time.  I told him that I missed him too but that I worried about "rocking the boat" if I had have brought it up.  I told him that I wanted him to take the job that made him the happiest and that if he thought the one he currently had was the right one for him and if he genuinely wants to persue a relationship with me and really wants to try and make a go of us, then I will move up there with him if that's where he really wants to be because I would prefer to be with him wherever he was, than without him.

That's brilliant, it seems that you followed my advice before I'd even given you it.  You have been totally honest with him in a non-confrontational way and said what you really thought, rather than the opposite.  I am proud of you.  Equally he has been amazingly brave by saying what he has said to you.

Anyway, we're going to iron it out when I go up there in 3 weeks time and talk about it some more then.

Sounds like there is good progress there from both of you.  These are the sort of actions that make relationships work.

Fingers crossed that we can make a success of this relationship, wherever the road may take us.

Cheers:)

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