Hi Sam

I am just writing to you because you mention on your home page that we should feel free to argue with you if we disagree with your opinion :) I mean no offence by telling you my own opinion and I must stress that I agree with the majority of the advice you give, which is very helpful to women in general.

I must point out too that I never claim to be correct about everything and everything written on my web site is my opinion only and I respect other people’s right to have a different opinion. What I write is not necessarily a fact, it’s my opinion only! There are many different writers that have different opinions to me but I stick with what my opinion is unless someone can convince me to have a different opinion. This web site is also about women offloading their problems anonymously and giving them someone to talk to.

Well there are two things I've noted you mention in your articles that I disagree with:

The one thing you say is that most men decide on first impression whether they want a woman for sex only or for a long term relationship, and that his first impression is unlikely to change.

Let me tell you where my opinion lies at this point in time. I do agree completely with what you are saying there and my opinion does change as I get older and wiser. I tend to write in the present and completely forget about what I wrote in past articles. I don’t know which articles you mean but it maybe that I’ve written things in the wrong way in the past, maybe getting words mixed up, but also my opinion could have changed as I get older and wiser.

When I say first impression at this moment in time, I mean the initial half a dozen meetings. Men do have a tendency to check women out and ogle them and look across the room, but I classify that as first sight rather than first impression. When men see women across the room at first sight they classify the woman into sex or relationship material. However that is first sight and not first impression, it’s only a visual perspective. His first impressions are when he gets to know her over a series of half a dozen meetings or significant amount of time. I do think the majority of guys make their first impression on their first meeting though, rather than the first half a dozen. Note how I say the word majority and that doesn’t mean every guy in the world.

You also say that if a woman gives him sex too soon then there is zero chance of a long term relationship.

I hope I never said the word “zero” at any point because I was most likely exaggerating at the time and was certainly wrong to use the word zero. Sometimes I write my responses very fast and don’t get the time to proof read them, but rely on someone like you to question what I’ve said. I always believe anything is possible, even if it’s just a 0.1% chance, but I try and word things on my web site to either say the majority or else talk about different types of men related to the woman that is sending me the message. I do believe in the majority of cases, having sex too soon destroys the relationship. Having sex too early is doing the most exciting thing first, it misses out the bits in between, the romantic dates, the getting to know each other, the hand holding.

If I did use the word zero then I reckon the most likely reason was because I was exaggerating. I do have a bad habit of exaggerating and I do have a bad habit of typing as I would speak it verbally, which doesn’t always translate well when it is written down because writing doesn’t express tone of voice.

At the age of 40 I can tell you that based on my own experiences and that of my closest friends, a lot of men can most certainly change their minds and become attached to women they didn't care for much on first impression or only wanted for sex. I have been happily married for 21 years to a man who did not fancy me at all when we first met but who gave me a chance after I got him drunk and seduced him. He fell in love with me later because we spent so much time together,

He fell in love with you on the basis of spending so much time with you. He didn’t have sex with you and then decide he’d fallen in love with you.

and now he is so hooked he wants to kill himself if I threaten to leave him!

I do think you are correct that first impressions don’t always matter and you have changed my opinion somewhat by giving me an example. In fact I’m slightly confused about whether I have mixed up my terms of “first sight” and “first impressions” in my past articles and I’ve always had this opinion. However if you can point me to articles where I have wrongly made these assumptions?

I have also been proposed to by a man I had a casual sexual relationship with, but who obviously took the sex more seriously than I did.

I don’t expect you to answer this, but I’ve got to ask did your relationship last with this guy? Why didn’t it work out? The guy was being silly. Having casual sex with a woman does sometimes make you attached to a woman, I know the feeling, it gives you a false sense of loving that woman. I know one of my friends proposed to his casual sex partner, they never got married, but they stayed together for years. I could tell he was attached to her, but I could also sense it was a false attachment from the things he said and the way they were with each other. He was just as deluded and confused as she was. Eventually it all unravelled and they didn’t turn out to be a long term match after all. It has dare I say happened to me too, I know the feeling of getting attached to a woman that I have had sex with and I hope I’ve learned from that.

What I really want to do from this web site is get women into relationship like you and your husband have. That is the ideal relationship; you’ve been happily married for 21 years. Again I don’t expect you to answer this question, because it’s a theoretical one? How long did you know your husband before having sex with him? I would guess you got to know each other before having sex (even if you weren’t dating at the time, you still knew each other long before you had sex together).

I’m sticking to my opinion on this one, whilst in the minority of cases things might work out long term. In the majority of cases having sex too soon spoils a relationship. Sometimes guys finish with women in a few weeks because they feel they are getting attached to someone that is not right and it feels scarey, other times guys get attached and won’t get married, other times guys get attached and break up before marriage and in some cases people get married and then split up in 5 to 10 years. Whatever the case they weren’t right for each other long term, because they didn’t get to know each other before having sex. Your ideal relationship was with your current husband and not with a guy you said you had casual sex with. Just because a guy proposes to you, doesn’t mean it is destined to work out long term.

You are with your husband for a reason and you are not with the guy that you had casual sex with for a reason.

I have 2 friends and 1 sister whose present marriages started out as one-night stands with strangers. They have each been happily married more than 10 years. I have another friend whose boyfriend broke up with her after three weeks because he could see no future between them, but he later came back to her and they have recently celebrated their 8th wedding anniversary.

I have a feeling you have hundreds of friends and you are picking out the minority and not mentioning how the majority of your friends got together. What you also fail to take into account is how many one night stands failed before they met their ideal men and multiply that by the number of other women that have one nights stands, the number of failures will be significant.

Again my aim is to get the ladies on this web site to find their ideal man within an optimum amount of time. I’m still unmoved on this issue, in the majority of cases it’s best to get to know your guy first before doing the most pleasurable thing. People can develop a different opinion after reading your comments, but my opinion stays the same.

The second thing I disagree with is that most men don't want to have long-term relationships with very good looking, sexy women as they see them as purely sex objects.

I can certainly say you are mis-interpreting what I’m saying in this respect. Maybe I’ve worded it wrong. What I mean is looks are not as important as people think they are. Of course if she’s good looking and has the right personality for him, then he’s going to be after her. However good looks doesn’t qualify you to be attractive to every man in the world.

Being good looking is important but personality is what wins a guy over. There are millions of good looking women in this world and they may get a guy to ogle them but if a guy approaches and she doesn’t have the right personality for him, then he’s not going to find her attractive long term.

Am I explaining it better? Being a super model doesn’t qualify you to be attractive to every guy in the world. Different guys are suited to different personalities and different guys are suited to women with different looks. What I’m trying to do here is explain that both men and women think that men base their choices far too much on looks, the truth is they don’t. Good looking women get a guys attention and indeed most guys will want to have sex with good looking women. But what really wins a bloke over is whether her personality is right for him, whether she's good looking or average looking. A guy might meet a thousand good looking women, but maybe only 100 of those might turn out to have the right personality for him, personality is the difference.

Whilst it’s controversial, I believe even the most good looking people in this world only have a minority of people who will mutually be attracted to both their looks and their personality. I do believe that a lot of good looking people think that looks is everything and they can be attractive to everyone if their looks are perfect. You should always make an effort to look good, but you should never discount having your own unique personality and it’s immensely impossible for you to be attractive to every member of the opposite sex. Your unique personality is only going to be suitable to some people irrespective of whether you are good looking or not. It takes two people to mutually like each other to make a long term relationship.

You said that your guy fell in love with you “after you spent so much time together”. Did he fall in love with you because you were so good looking? No, he didn’t he found you attractive because of the whole package you could offer, your looks and your personality!

I have the pleasure of knowing a few beautiful and sexy women, as I work for a photographer. Their boyfriends always seem to get hooked on them within a few dates and then want to become serious before the women are ready.

They get hooked on the idea of being with them and looking good with them, that’s the only way a guy could get hooked after just a few dates. They are deluding themselves and deluding the women. It’s only when they get to know a woman’s personality that they can truly find out whether they are right for them long term. These guys are merely hooked on the idea of being seen out with a beautiful woman and having the prestige. If those women were to continue going out with those men, they’d find that 90% of them wouldn’t last for longer than 6 months. Either because he would finish it or she would finish the relationship. Beautiful women are never short of admirers but the truth is either the guy or her are going to realise at some point that personality decides whether they stay together for the rest of their lives.

Again I want to get women hooked up to their ideal man in the optimal amount of time. Men that proclaim their love within a few dates are merely deluding themselves and maybe even the women they get involved with.

Some of these gorgeous girls have ensnared married or committed men who don't think twice about leaving their loyal wives or long-term girlfriends to be with the hot 'other woman'.

Because their loyal wives or long term girlfriends weren’t as special as you think they were and they wanted a bit of excitement. Temptation only comes to guys that feel it’s worth the risk, either that or he’s very foolish. It’s one thing tempting a guy to some casual sex, it’s a completely different thing settling down and having a long term marriage with him. Mistresses are named mistresses because they are not long term prospects if they do become long term prospects then he obviously wasn’t that happy with his wife in the first place and it also doesn't mean he will live happily every after with his mistress. Long term relationships are generally what I want to find the visitors to my site; unless they express that they are looking for something else.

I believe personality is important to men, (as you rightly say) but I also think a mediocre personality with a beautiful body is always going to win over a beautiful personality with a mediocre body.

I don’t agree with that exactly. I think personality is important to men as well as looks. I think different men have different tastes in personality and looks. I think women that are good looking have more men that think they are attracted to them. However long term I think many of these men will realise that many of those good looking women are not right for them long term because they have conflicting personalities and that goes both ways. I agree many men are under the delusion that women with beautiful bodies are the best option. But the reality is a woman needs a combination of looks and personality that is right for him.

Good looking women get the attention of more men and hence probably get more chances. But that doesn’t mean that they have more men that are suitable to spend the rest of their life with them, it simply means more men take notice of them.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, unattractive women probably have less men after them, but it doesn’t mean they can’t win men over with their personality. Jo Brand the famous comedienne is happily married, how did that happen? Because she has a super personality and different men like different types of women.

Can I just mention Camilla Parker Bowles and Prince Charles? Why was Princess Diana so damn attractive? Yet the woman Prince Charles was craving all those years of marriage was Camilla Parker Bowles. That’s because Princess Diana and Prince Charles personality were not a great match, whereas Camilla Parker Bowles was his perfect match personality wise.

Why is Paris Hilton so physically attractive and so many men want to have sex with her? Yet few want to settle down and get married to her.

Why do some of my friends say, this woman is nice and I say she’s not attractive at all. Then I say who I find attractive and they say she’s not attractive. That’s because men find different women attractive.

Why do men mention a woman’s looks when they haven’t met her, yet when he’s met a woman, he mentions her personality? Because before all he had to go on was her looks!

Why do men see women across the room and say they like the look of her, then after he’s met her his interest dies down? Because he didn’t find her personality attractive.

There are millions of attractive women in this world, if a guy was in a room with those millions of attractive women how would he choose if they are all attractive? He’d choose the personality that suited him because that is her unique attribute.

If he was choosing a long term partner and had a choice between a very attractive woman that he didn’t get on well with and an averagely attractive woman that he flirted and got on really well with. Which one would he choose? The averagely attractive woman that he got on really well with! But she would probably only be averagely attractive to the some guys, he would see her as more attractive through his own eyes because he had a better rapport with her.

You need a combination of looks and personality to attract a guy for a long term relationship. Having a great looking body is beneficial but millions of women have great looking bodies. The only thing that distinguishes you from the rest of those good looking women is your unique personality.

I also think that men at least 'believe' themselves to be in love with women far sooner than you give them credit for... even if its not real love.

I don’t doubt that, men do delude themselves that they are in love with women before they actually are. Some men get a false sense they are in love with a woman after having sex. I think both men and women seem to mis-interpret the meaning of love or else have a different definition of love compared to me. But when I talk about love on my web site I mean “real love” not “deluded love”. Love means you want to spend the rest of your life with someone and you have no doubts about that. Love means you want to get married, live together, have children and spend the rest of your life with someone. It doesn’t mean you "like" someone, you like someone if you’ve been dating for a few weeks, you like them enough to want to get to know them a lot more.

I found your message very interesting and you certainly did give me some good examples. You have succeeded in changing my opinion on some things, however I uphold my opinion on most things. In some cases I really do think it was a case of me not explaining what I meant very well in some of my articles.

thanks