You've probably noticed I've been quiet on my web site in recent weeks and maybe some of you are wondering why.  I've been thinking deeply (as I do) about how men think and I think I've been totally wrong in my assumptions and I think the majority of people have also come to those wrong conclusions about men.  The main reason why I believe people have come to those conclusions are due to web sites like mine and experts thinking they can look into a guy or even a woman's mind. 

In the past few weeks I have come to the conclusion that the way men think are far more different than me or the experts have concluded (I'm not an expert, I must point out).  The reason for these mistakes are due to the way men suppress their emotions, hence this has resulted in a distorted view of how men think, both from me and from experts. I have hinted in several of my articles about a man's emotional side, but crucially the overall picture I have given has been wrong.  Therefore from now on, rather than think about what other men are maybe thinking and what I have heard that they think, I'm going to try and focus on my emotional side which I've only hinted at in the past, believing I was amongst a minority of emotional men.

So I'm a very emotional type of guy, the problem is I am forced to suppress those emotions, so typically the people around me never get to see the emotional side of me.  I do display my emotional side when I speak to people I know and trust but that's because I know them and no there is no risk in displaying my emotions to them.  However most of the time, like many men, I'm forced to suppress those emotions because I don't know how to express them to other people.  Maybe that's the way my brain is built or maybe it's because women are taught those skills from a young age and men don't get to learn them unless they are taught or maybe it's because as men we are taught it is wrong to express our emotions.  Like most men, when we are children, we are taught to be the tough ones, if we display emotions then that makes us vulnerable to attack by other men and makes us look weak, to both men and women. 

It is perhaps ironic that men need to be brave to have the guts to display their emotions, yet any man that does, is likely to be ridiculed.  Women, we are taught, do not find men that display emotions as very attractive, they usually see them as just friends.  To a woman she wants an alpha male, who is confident, not a guy that might cry in front of her or display his emotional side.  Not someone who might seem insecure and overemotional, it's up to him to support her emotions and insecurities and not his own.  I must point out though that I have never cried for almost 10 years, so I don't mean I'm an emotional wreck. What I mean is I get upset when other people are upset and people hurt my feelings occasionally, I get frustrated if I think I've hurt other peoples feelings, but I'm certainly not alone, most if not all men have emotions, they just learn to hide them.

There is a crucial problem with men hiding their emotions though.  When they are in a relationship it makes a man seem cold, he doesn't speak his real emotions and therefore he speaks out with things that sound like a stereotypical male bravado statement.  This probably results in a woman becoming frustrated, not knowing his real feelings and she is more than likely to become defensive or find him offensive.

Another crucial problem that this hiding of emotions causes, is that a woman thinks he can take more criticism and more nagging than he can cope with.  This causes a downward cycle in firstly his self confidence and secondly his relationship with you.  You get increasingly frustrated with his coldness, you critisize him for everything and anything and produce arguments on a regular basis.  This completely depletes his self confidence and then he becomes defensive.

So how did I come across this conclusion.  Well in recent months I've seen a few men turned into emotional wrecks, men that were very outwardly confident and very outwardly alpha male, both in looks and personality.  The most notable man was a man who was systematically criticised for his male failings, with constant jibes from several females over a series of months.  Now I think back, you could see his confidence gradually waning as months went by, he became more and more introverted and more and more defensive about criticisms actioned at him by the females.  They kept digging away and digging away at him and I just wondered if they knew the effect they were having on him in a cruel sort of way, or whether they were blind to it. 

They seemed to want to change the way he does things and the way he thinks, to do things the way they wanted and the way they had debated was right between themselves in their girlie chats together, they essentially demonized him in their chats. As the months went by you could see him completely shutting off and his confidence waning, as they were telling him in not so many words, "he was a failure at everything".  He was shutting himself off by being remote, trying not to tell them any more things about himself, because if he tells them anymore things about himself he will feel more vulnerable and more open to attack, they can essentially use the words he says against him now or in the future.  That is the reason why men become remote in this circumstance.  He became remote, they became even more annoyed because they just thought he was being lazy and trying to avoid doing what they wanted to do.  Instead of realising, he was actually declining into a deep depression, where he totally lacked any confidence in himself or anything that he did.

A guy kicks himself and knocks himself down if he fails at anything and if he doesn't do things perfectly.  So to have people constantly criticising him in such a barrage of one thing after another, is soul destroying for a guy.  Even the most confident of guys can not cope with this sort of criticism from a lady and particularly a group of ladies.  It's true that it's best to communicate with men, if you are not happy with something, but you have to be careful to to do it in a constructive, non critical way.  And if it's something pretty minor like most of the things these ladies were having a go at him for, then really you should just forget about minor things. Believe me you probably have minor petty things about you that annoy him, but he will learn to live with them, rather than risk depleting your self confidence. 

There actions with this guy bordered on wanting to take control of him and his life, interfere with his life and make him into a person he doesn't want to be and they were just harrassing him until he fulfilled their needs. And it almost caused him to have a complete breakdown, a guy blames himself, but also wants to critisise the people having a go at him, unfortunately when those people are women and particularly a group of women and when his confidence is low already, he gets too scared to stick up for himself, for fear of bursting into tears or sounding emotional, looking weak or not being able to express his feelings.  He's welling up inside but he feels the need to escape them through distance and de-stress himself, rather than confronting them in person.

When a man hears the words "It's always a man's fault, women don't make mistakes".  Or if she complains about something he did and she actually does the same thing "she says that's different, I'm a woman, I'm allowed to do that", that completely and utterly frustrates him and irritates him but he doesn't want to start a confrontation so he has to let it lie.  Neither a woman or a man has any right to think like that or to act like that.  Men prefer to avoid verbal confrontations with ladies, because they know they can't win and it is just so stressful for him and he doesn't know what to say or how to react. 

He is also scared that as a man, his male instincts of physical confrontation might spill over into the frustrations of the argument and confrontation, because he doesn't know how to defend himself verbally against a woman, he fears that something might flip in his head which will cause him to lash out physically (and there is no excuse for domestic violence against women or men).  And that's why men prefer to run to the pub or go out with their friends, to de-stress themselves, calm down and let things settle.  The problem with that is the problem doesn't get addressed in a woman's head, the issue is still there and will raise it's head next time her frustrations are high, so it is a vicious circle.  It is a very difficult balance to strike, that's what makes a relationship so challenging and exciting at times but also soul destroying at other times.  Men have their faults in the way they deal with things and women equally have their faults in the way they deal with things.

Men have to appear confident in order to attract women, they have to hide their inner insecurities.  In reality though, men are just like women with their confidence and insecurities.  Things happen in life that changes their confidence and insecurities, some postive, some negative.  Some men suffer bereavements of close relatives, some men get abused as children, some men get raped, some men come from a poor background, some men get bullied at school, some men suffer cruelly to women in the dating game at an early age, some men suffer from illnesses or close family members suffer from illness.  The fact is that like women, men's confidence and insecurities change all the time, the difference is most women can talk to each other people about it, men have to suffer in silence and try and be brave and forget about those things.  So although men's emotions do differ in some respects, all men have emotions and suffer hurt just as much as women do, I think men suffer longer though because they can't talk to anyone about their problems.

Men's confidence fluctuates greatly depending on the structure of his life.  Career is an important measure of success, having a woman that deeply loves him is an important measure of success and having beautiful, successful, healthy kids is another important measure of success and confidence.  Where one of those is failing you will find that his world starts to fall apart and he will seek to repair it or find a solution.  For example if his marriage his failing, his way of repairing himself is to plunge his time into his career. Where his career is failing he will seek to find another career, but look to his wife for support, if he doesn't get that support from his wife he goes into a downward spiral of depression or else look for a pick me up in the form of another woman who can boost his confidence.  Where is love life is failing and he isn't married, hasn't got a girlfriend or children, you will often find he focuses on his career and doesn't even pay attention to finding a lady.  He hopes that a successful career will give him confidence to go out there and find a woman, but until his career gives him that confidence, he languishes in singledom.

I think it is important I share this objective opinion with you and hope this will help you understand many things about your relationships with men and help you realise that men are not perfect and definitely don't think their perfect.  Even if they outwardly pretend they are, they are just really saying I wish I was perfect because they kick themselves for being any less than perfect.  Hopefully you can use this information positively to help with your current or future relationships.

Because I've been so vastly wrong about my insight into a guys mind, I am now considering whether I should continue to run this web site.  Certainly I will keep the forum there for women to chat to each other, but I now have doubt about my ability to provide an accurate opinion to women because my opinion has vastly changed in recent weeks.  I am going to gradually start reading through my old articles and cross out anything that I now believe is inaccurate, based on my new opinion.

Reply by backhand 17.02.08

Just wanted to send you a few words of thanks and encouragement.

I just read your post about "Men are emotional and insecure, I got it wrong....."   In fact, I read your post several times. 

Let's just get to the point.  I think the reason why so many woman, myself included, value a site as yours is simple.  We've all been looking for some real substantive information about how a man feels and thinks that is written by a MAN.  Why?  Because you can open up every major women's magazine etc. giving tons of advice on men written by WOMEN.  I can talk to my GF's if I need that.  Besides, most of those articles are written by some Hollywood bimbo who thinks that if you are married to a guy for over 5 years, it's a miracle.  Well actually, that is true of Hollywood.  ;-)

Now, you seem very serious about coming to the realization that you have been telling us the wrong information about how men think and feel for sometime now.  I don't think that's necessarily true.  In fact, I have appreciated your objectivity and candor.  You have the ability to be honest, yet without being condescending.

That's an important distinction for me.  Most women would feel uncomfortable writing a guy asking them the type of personal questions we all have.  So you must have done something right!

You have thoroughly stated why you think you have been wrong about how you have expressed how men feel/think, and now you appear to be backtracking on your first responses/impressions/opinions.  I understand where you are coming from having grown up with a father who was very emotional.  I think some of that stemmed from being an alcoholic.

Never the less, I witnessed first hand that men in general are not these stereo typical structures of strength, wisdom and security.

Men, just as women, are HUMAN.  And I'll just bet that most of the women who have written you telling of their personal stories with men, also understand that MEN are human.  Sometimes we question that; I'll be honest.  But deep done, we know they are; we embrace it.   And, many of us yearn to see that "little boy" enthusiasm and wit that is often held back actually come out from the man we love or are attracted to.  It reminds us of his inner sensitivity and passion for life. I am lucky.  I have a husband who is always laughing and I see that little boy nature often.  If the women on this sight were sincere, they would tell you that is a big turn on.

I really appreciate your honesty to bring up the emotional aspect of men and how society actually trains them to withhold and hide those personal emotions; emotions of fear, insecurity, sadness, loneliness, guilt and the need to be held.  It angers me as a woman that we put so much restraint on men as a society that too often, they have to withdraw and bury their emotions just to get by.  And yes, when they are with the woman they love, or feel an attraction to a women, as a man, they have to come across confident, secure, stable and stoic when in fact, they may be feeling inside all the same emotions we as females do; they as men simply can't show that.  What a burden that must be.  Sure, I want a confident and stable man.  We all do.  And no, I don't want an emotional roller coaster either.  Nor do men want that from a woman.  But I wouldn't want to love any man who couldn't express his true emotions to me WHEN he was truly in love with me.  I honestly believe that is the biggest indicator that a man is in so much love, he feels safe and secure enough to let his guard down and allow you to see his inner self.  As a woman, that is the most precious gift he can give me.  And as his spouse, it makes me feel good inside to know that I can be the one who is strong for him in return.  It's all about give and take.  I really believe that.

As a female, I have felt cheated through the years always second guessing a guy's thoughts, feelings and actions.  I'm sure many on this site have gone through the same.  Of course, my perception of men and a man's role was severely undermined by having a father who was an alcoholic and never cared for my mother in the manner he should have.  I didn't get to the benefit of watching their relationship grow so I could see how a real man treats his wife and kids.  Therefore, growing up, I yearned for someone to perhaps fill that role of a father figure that I so desperately needed.  Thank God I had an affinity for sports and God given talent.  As you know, my tennis coach was my father figure.  And he probably saved my life.  In as much as I knew he cared for me and wanted me to succeed, as per my first note to you, he often treated me more harshly than my teammates.  I never understood that.  But now that you mention how much men have to withdraw and bury their innermost emotions (other than anger), I can fully understand why he acted the way he did.  I couldn't see that before.  But it was YOUR blog and your personal response to my initial inquiry that opened my eyes and put the pieces together for me for the first time.  I hope you understand how much you helped me and it's removed a huge burden off my  shoulders.

Sam, I truly believe with all my heart that deep down, when it's all said and done, Men and Woman, are really no different when it comes to feelings and emotions.  We all FEEL inside.  We all HURT inside.  We all CRY inside.  And we all fee JOY inside.  The ONLY real difference is how we are allowed to express those feelings.

Years of socialization standards etc. have forced men to behave one way and women to behave another.  It's been that way for millions of years and in every culture.  The fact that you now feel you have misled women about men's true feelings etc.  who have written you with their stories and concerns, isn't the case at all.

You were simply being honest and objective using the same paradigm of standards recognized by most males and females around the world.  Because you are a man doesn't mean you are 100% accurate on how ALL men think and feel.  Trust me.  We get that.  And in writing you, I'm sure most of us don't hold you to being 100% accurate on YOUR opinions all of the time.  Just because I'm a 43 year old married woman hardly makes me an expert in understanding how ALL women think/feel and how all marriages should last etc.  It's really that simple.

What makes YOU special and interesting to those of us who have written you and read your site is simple:  You are one of the few men who really seem to understand women to a great extent.

That comes through in your writings.  And as a man, you do have some pertinent insight to how men think/feel.  Especially when it comes to each one of our personal scenarios.  We often see things in a tunnel and don't see the bigger picture.  That's where you have helped so much.  Speaking on my behalf, I value this site greatly.  Not just because you responded to my questions with objectively and insight, but because I get so much beneficial information from this site regarding relationships. 

Women are communicators first and foremost.  We love to share experiences and stories with other women because we love that connection feeling.  I have read many a scenario on this site that has triggered a former experience of mine and got me thinking, I know how she feels.  Or I've had that same thing happen to me.  What you do and how you say it is important.  I don't know you personally.  But I have canvassed your site long enough to know that you do this because of your sincere interest in helping women to understand men better.  That is a valuable tool to us, you have no idea.  I know many men who would jump at the chance to have a site like this written by a woman who could answer their questions about relationships and how women think/feel.   We're damn lucky to have you to undertake this endeavor.  Trust me, anyone who reads your site and says you don't provide solid information that is legit and intuitive isn't being honest.  NO ONE expects perfection.  Sometimes we are often harder on ourselves than we are on others.  I sense that's where you are at this time.

For the sake of all the women who love this site, and who are grateful for the valid information you provide, I would hope that you fully consider how disappointed we will all be if you should choose to discontinue it.  I understand a need to feel as if you are providing accurate information.  Veracity and ownership is important to all of us.  My suggestion to you is this.  Please continue this site just as it is.  However, if you feel you need to add more insight to our posts/inquires regarding the "emotional" side of men, do it.  We'd embrace it in a heartbeat.  I for one would love to know when you think a guy is acting a certain way because he is working hard to cover his true feelings.  Can you imagine the benefit that would be to many women viewing this site in a current relationship?  It would allow those women to understand their man better and perhaps, allow him to be more open with them.  And isn't that what women really want in the first place from men?  True intimacy comes from being allowed to be open and secure.  To me, that IS the definition of LOVE.

Bottom line Sam.  It's your site.  You can whatever you wish with it.

You have helped me so much with your comments regarding my personal rapport with HS tennis coach.  It's helped me finally distinguish between what I felt as a teen ager toward him, and how he really felt about me.  It's given me a perspective to know that my feelings back then were OK and I was OK.  It's given me the ability to now understand as an adult woman, what he must have been going through at that time.   Without your taking the time to respond to my letter, I'd still be wondering and feeling somewhat guilty for how he may have taken my actions.  You lifted that off my shoulders.  I can now move on.  You shouldn't question what you told me or any other woman who wrote you.  You should be proud of what you are contributing in a positive manner to our lives.

To me, the strength and confidence of a man isn't determined by how strong or aggressive he can be; strength stems from an inner ability to be honest with ones own feelings and having the conviction to release them when he needs to while being consoled in the arms of his most trusted friend, GF or wife.  Showing emotions as sadness, loneliness and crying isn't shameful or weak.

It's about being human.  Of course, there are extremes.  We all understand this.  And men certainly don't embrace females who are emotional roller coasters either.  But to me, and I can't speak for all women, I respect, admire, cherish and love a man more who isn't afraid to tell me he's hurt or sheds a few tears in front of me.

As a woman, I can relate to those feelings.  Any man who can share his feelings in a personal manner isn't weak by any stretch of the imagination.  In my eyes, he's MORE of a man than those who can't.  Crying and sharing emotions come easily for women.

Most men would rather dance barefoot on shards of glass than look to their women for emotional comfort.  Give me a guy who loves me enough, he's willing to let his guard down and open up his heart.  Screw society and all the social paradigms.  I'll take my loving, caring, passionate and often, “the little boy inside”, husband any day of the week over what society states is the definition of what a TRUE MAN is, period.

Sam, you keep writing your opinions and we'll keep reading them and educating ourselves.  If you wish to include more about the emotional side of men, whether in your blog or in your responses, awesome!  It will just make your site that much more enjoyable.

Just as my coach touched many lives with his dedication to his profession, you too have touched many lives.  In the end, isn't that more important than whether or not you are 100% accurate with everyone of your opinion/advice?  I think so.  And I'll bet most women who have read your site would back me up on that.

Good luck Sam!  I hope you honestly consider keeping this site up and running.  The way I look at it, this site is wonderful as it is.

But knowing you, you can only make it better.  Just do it!!  ;-)

Thanks for you message, well you've certainly convinced me to carry on running the web site after all that.  You provide some very good reasoning that I would be stupid to ignore.  I suppose my new opinions on men's emotional sides and insecurities could be useful in giving women a different perspective of men.  My main concern was that in the past I may have given people some inaccurate  information which they may have used in the wrong way.   Though I haven't had time to read through many of my past articles yet, so I'm not sure whether I've made that many mistakes.  Now I think about it after your message, I realise that a lot of ladies that message me, read through my information objectively and don't always agree with everything I say, though they do often agree with most things.  They state clearly that they understand it's only my opinion and they have to decide whether my opinion is right themselves.  Also I think some of the ladies just need someone to discuss their situation with, they don't necessarily need an opinon, they just need to let off steam, someone to talk to because they can't discuss some of the things with their friends.   So thank you and thank you to the other people that have also sent me messages.  You have certainly convinced me to continue with the site now.

Reply by angel 18.02.08

I am so pleased that you have decided to continue your website.  I have only recently found it and so it would be a shame to have lost it so soon!  I can't tell you how I felt when I read your personal reply to my own message, I guess I didn't really expect a reply.  I am still pondering your comments but it is so reassuring to get a male perspective and this is what is special about this site.  As backhand says, female advice is readily available, what is unique is getting direct male insight.  As far as I'm concerned, you are the only person that I felt able to reveal my true feelings about this man.  To you I used the word 'love', for I know that is what it is.  I could never admit this to anyone who knows me, as if it doesn't work out, they would know of my rejection.  As it is I think 'oh I should have told Sam so and so'.  I am sure that most contributors to this site would feel the same.  As far as your advice goes, I think you are right, most would take it as objective advice and how individuals act on it is free choice.

Thank you angel.  

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