I am in the middle of a some kind of weird situation that makes me excited but at the same time confused.

I will give you some background of my last relationship first, then I will move on to describe the situation with this new guy I feel attracted to, but I am not sure he feels the same for me.

I used to be married with a man who cheated on me and who did not give anything to me during the last year that we were together.

You are better off without him then! 

I am sure he was in love with me before but all of a sudden his attitude towards me changed completely. He started saying that he wanted to move out on his own to another house, because he was confused and didn't know exactly what he wanted from his life, to the point that he started looking for a new place, he found it and then kept on living with me because he did not have the money to pay the rent (and deposit to the new house). He did that a couple of times, to always stay with me because of no avail of money. He is a very vain person and spends all his money on expensive clothes, jewellery, mobile phones etc.

It seems to be a modern day problem that people have.  They read magazines, watch movies and think they should live the life of luxury like the celebrities, an overdraft is not their for emergencies, it's there to spend on some extra luxuries.  A lot of ladies have always been drawn to this spending culture but now it seems to be catching on with men too.  Men need to look good to other women, they need an expensive flash car and nice clothes, because then women think a guy is wealthy, at least that's a guys perception.  Has he got another woman on the go?  Once he gets into that cycle of being vain, it continues up until the point of bankruptcy and if you are his partner you may be dragged into that bankruptcy too.

I was paying everything (rent, bills, food etc.) but I gave him time to learn how to manage money, since it was obviously a problem for him. However, when he started saying he needed to move out and stayed only for lack of money, then I realised that it wasn't just a problem of managing money, but he most likely was using me.

Exactly he was getting used to you bankrolling his lifestyle, sucking all your money away and probably making you feel guilty at the same time if you ever told him he was being unfair.

At the same time he started rejected me every single time I wanted to kiss him, hug him or make love with him.

Is this the making you feel guilty thing that I was talking about above?  Making you feel guilty so that you will comply with his needs.

We talked for long and he said that it could never worked out between us because I was a person who 'reads' books while he was more interested in the 'material' things of life, that he was not committed and could not promise me he would be in the future.

Everybody is different and it's true if two people have different hobbies and are not spending much time with each other then it can cause problems.  But really do you spend all your time reading and does he spend all his time spending his money on material things and looking at material things, I very much doubt it.  Men often like football, fishing, gadgets, cars.  Women often like shopping, chatting to friends, interior design and basically completely different things to men.  Does that mean that all men and women are not right for each other, I don't think so?  It means that as a couple you can spend time together doing things you both like, maybe compromise every now and then and do things that the other partner likes, but then it's a healthy relationship to be apart occasionally and pursue hobbies with other people including friends.  In you case your hobby seems to be reading, so why can't you quietly sit down and read every now and then. 

This thing that he says about you reading just seems to be some lame excuse for your relationship not working and maybe another way of making you feel guilty.  You are not spending time with me, you are reading boring books all the time, so it's all your fault the relationship is failing.

However after a few days he asked me to give him time, that he would try to commit to me and be a more respectful person. But that did not happen. Nothing at all changed.

Yes, is it really going to happen, you have got into that negative spiral and he sounds less than motivated to make any effort.  It's almost like he has got himself into a depression and he is sucking you into it and making you feel to blame for it. 

We talked again after 2 months and after 2 months again afterwards, but nothing changed. When asking him to share things with me (helping me with rent, food, bills, share the little things of his life with me) he would just get very angry.

Yes, because he didn't want to do that and was actually incapable of doing that.  Why would he want to spend some of his money on those things, when he hadn't needed to bother with those things for months or even years.

In all those months he would go out on his own with his friends and refused to go out with me and even not cared if there was something I wanted to celebrate (my birthday, work promotion etc.). He wouldn't even want to eat with me or share anything with me. Practically we were not a couple anymore. Finally, last February (after 10 months of all that) I found out he had other women and was spending also money on them.

It sounds right, he was getting you to pay the bills, so he could flash his cash to other women.  You are basically boosting his disposable income by paying all the bills and giving him a roof over his head.  As I mentioned above a guy feels the need to flash his cash about to impress women, as well as you, you've got to feel sorry for all the women that have fell for his tricks as well.  I always say that young guys in a flash BMW car, should be screaming out at women as "I'm going to be inheriting £20,000 worth of debt on his car alone".  You should always be careful with guys that flash their cash about.  There are young rich guys out there, but there's nowhere near the millions of rich guys that appear to be flashing their money and cars to women.

I had been so much in love with him that I was so patient and tried to give him a chance, but nothing ever changed. After that discovery, and all those months of pain and hurt, the love was completely covered by only pain - at that point I could feel only pain, and realised that our relationship was totally unbalanced (I was giving everything, he was giving less than nothing); I was fighting on my own for a relationship he did not care about; he cared for other women not for me; so I decided to move out from our house and went to live at a friend's house for a while.

Whilst you realised this now, I can understand how being in love with someone clouded your judgement and made you think you could save the relationship.  Indeed I would say many relationships could be saved.  But it seems clear by this one that this guy had no respect for you whatsoever, so you are clearly better off ditching him. 

Needless to say that this experience lowered my confidence and my trust in men. I have to say here that I naturally tend to be a very positive person and tend to justify any possible thing that might appear to be not nice.

Sometimes being a positive person can be a disadvantage but most of the time being a positive person is a very good advantage.  In this case you were probably too positive and failed to see just how bad he was treating you.  But at least you have come to your senses now and will have learnt from it.

I feel much better now and I can say that I almost completely recovered, but at the beginning was quite hard and I have had bad and good times, after the separation.

Seperations, usually lead to feeling down, because you loved the person and miss the person, but the key thing is you look forward in life and concentrate on rebuilding your life into something positive again, rather than dwelling on the past.  Bad things are always going to happen in your past, good things and bad things happen throughout life, the key to it is, get over the bad things as quickly as possible and concentrate on making your life into something better again. 

Sometimes I have felt bad about myself, rationally I have always known that he really behaved bad towards me, some other times I have felt very deeply the fear of not belonging to anyone and felt lonely and not very confident from a 'love' point of view.

You sound like a strong person, because despite the way he has treated you many women tend to give these type of men too many chances.  Only to find that they end up getting back to the same old routine again and again. 

What it hurt me as well was the thought that true love could not exist, but I strongly believe that it exists. I am a very idealistic person, so that thought made me even sadder at times. I knew -the whole time- that these negative feelings would only be temporary as I had been awfully hurt.

True love does exist and there are decent men out there, you just have to be cautious about which men you choose.  In general bad men will always be bad men, but occasionally good men can turn into bad men when things start to go wrong in a relationship, because being in love and falling out of love can sometimes cause mental illness.  The ultimate things about it, is to realise that if things go as wrong as they did in your relationship, then it means you two were compatible and that is just fate.  You can't change fate, but have to move away from that bad relationship and try to find a more compatible man.  Which is not an easy task because you will probably need to go through a few more bad relationships before you find your perfect man.  Women never usually find the right guy with the first man they meet and go out with, nevertheless I believe there is somebody out there to suit everyone.

At the same time of the separation (last February) I started to be attracted to a guy I work with very closely. I have been working with this guy since March 2006 but in December 2006 we started becoming closer and closer as we were engaged to work in 3 projects together. I need to say here that this guy is in another country from where I am, but we work in virtual teams, so the only communication methods I have with him is through phone and mainly through the chat we use for work purposes.

I am thinking be cautious here.  A guy on the phone, is nothing like a guy you know in person.  A phone doesn't project body language, how physically attractive the person is, what he is like as a person.

As my marriage was failing and my husband was totally ignoring me and using me from any point of view, in February, while chatting with this guy, I realised how much we had in common and how nice he was, and started to feel attracted to him. He would share anything with me in the chat: he works from home, so while talking of work he would tell me that he was going to the kitchen to get something to eat. Without even me asking, he would tell me what he was eating and describing any single step of the cooking process of whatever he was cooking; he would also tell me every time he would go to the toilet, and he would say so by telling it as a joke :-).

So, basically, my husband was not even sharing a hug with me, this guy would share with me anything he was doing and he was thinking. That helped me to regain trust in men very quickly, at the same time I started being attracted to him a lot, as from nowhere he was there, like the man of my dreams! ;-) However, I was too scared to make a move, I was too hurt to be confident enough to do that, I was sometime very very scared while talking to him, although he has always been a real gentleman.

You should always be cautious until you meet someone.  I really recommend you meet someone as soon as possible, rather than chatting to someone in the virtual world, I know you have to balance personal safety when meeting someone, but really you can get around that by meeting someone with a friend.  Even if he doesn't know the friend is there and the friend sits at another table.  Though in this case with you being in different countries that would have been virtually impossible.  Chatting to someone in a virtual world builds up a glamorous picture in your mind that he is a gentleman, he looks like Brad Pitt and he is basically your perfect match.  When you meet in real life you might find that he doesn't have the looks or the personality that you thought he had.  It then all becomes a big disappointment and in any case you built up a picture of him that was very much a man of your dreams, which is a pretty tough way to judge a man that you've never met because he has to meet those expectations.

Apart from talking of work, we started asking each other personal questions about ourselves (hobbies and so on), always using lots of humour (he and I would use humour in the same way and we would laugh at each other jokes a lot :-). He sent me a couple of pictures of him, and pictures he took of his house and his plants and would mention from time to time that he would come here for a visit. I have always encouraged him to do so, saying that it would be nice to meet him and that I would take him around here to visit places. However, he never asked me if I was in a relationship or not. However, considering we were always telling each other every single thing we did during the day and during the week-end, I was (and I'm pretty sure he was too) pretty sure he was single, as he never mentioned girlfriends or so.

We started having nicknames for each other too, as a game! :-) As we both like writing and we are very precise on how we write and we write a lot (as you can see here!! :-)

The thought never really crossed my mind, lol.

I started calling him with the first name of one of his favourite writers, and he did the same with me! :-) So we called each other that way most of the time, although for serious/sad staff we tend to use the real name, for chatting and joking and anything nice we would use the nickname. He also tends to call me with my nickname when he wants to tell me something that he is afraid it would annoy me, I guess to take me from the sweet side (Let's say I would do something he wanted to correct me about).

I love chatting with him because he is an intellectual, a great talker, with a great culture, so I can talk with him about anything at all, as we share the same interests. And he spends hours with me chatting and talking about anything. He would be a very analytical person (as I am too) but with a bit of negativity in it, so he would come very often to me if he is sad, or anxious about something and I would encourage him and he has often said that he really enjoys my support. Also, between the lines, never openly though, he has said that I am sweet, nice, smart and creative and that he likes creative people.

The first time he mentioned he was single, as a joke, was in May, but I was too scared to pick that up and take the conversation to a more 'interesting' place, and I always regret that I miss that moment, because it never happened again :-(

Yes, you've got to remember he's not face to face with you, so you can risk making these sort of mistakes without looking embarrassed.  If you really want to know something about him, then ask.

But I was too scared and insecure at that time... and could not see if maybe he liked me.. I was feeling too bad and still very hurt :-( and still haunted by the story with my husband... but I still regret that I didn't 'use' that chat properly...

I think he was never sure if I was single or not, although, as I said, I never mentioned to have a boyfriend or a husband, and he knew everything I was doing in my life.

You should have slipped it in there that you were single.  It's easy to slip things like that into a remote conversation. 

So, things went on that way, we always had a great connection the whole time, long chats, lots of laughs and smiles, sharing everything as usual... he never made a move, only mentioning from time to time that he would come here for a visit, and I would encourage him to do so... I would also praise his plants (they are really beautiful!! :-) telling him how I wished I could see them in reality and how I would love to eat the strawberries he was growing in his balcony :-) but he would never invite me. I was not sure if he did that because he was not interested in me or because it would be too hard starting a relationship on a distance or because he had never met me anyway, so all that chemistry over chat and phone could not be real in reality... although I was sure he had always been very curious to meet me.

Yes, a guy would be cautious, and I think most guys would prefer not to invite women to stay with them for several days at first.  She could turn out to be a nightmare and there would be no way of getting rid of her until she leaves in a few days.  I think a guy would much prefer a date and a night of passion and then the chance to escape and reflect, rather than a few days of being together on the first meeting.

Also I would guess that working together would have been another obstacle for him maybe... and he would be afraid to make a move on a girl he would not even know... all that was just my guess, of course. In July we were supposed to meet during a business trip... I was so excited and scared at the same time... but at the last minute his manager did not approve his business trip, so I met other colleagues of his, but not him :-( I was very sad about that, and he was disappointed too... and on a sad note he said, "I guess we will keep on talking only over the phone" although he would also say that he would not give up on the idea of a future business trip and I promised I would work on that too.

We kept on being so close and connected for work and personal stuff all the time.... I have never met a guy who is so idealistic and have the same ideas on life as me, and a guy who likes just spending hours in conversation as he loves it, like me! A very sensitive person as well (much more sensitive than most men I believe), who would not be afraid to show his personal thoughts about his own spirituality and beliefs. However, a perfectionist, very fussy and hard with himself... the same as me... and caring and thoughtful like me too. He could be at times a little over negative and stubborn, but I am a very patient and positive person, that's why I think also he comes to me when he is negative or needs to complain about something, because he knows he will find support in me.

That is a good blend for a relationship!

In all these months, I have never understood if he fancies me too or he just 'enjoys' me as a friend.

I really can't understand how anyone can come to the conclusion that they fancy someone, when they haven't even met.  Yes, you might think they are great and want to meet them with the potential to maybe fancy them, but fancy someone that you only know from remote conversations just doesn't seem possible to me.  And is maybe building up your hopes too much before meeting him.

Something happened in August, and although he would always be nice to me, I felt he was getting a little colder, he was more absent from the chat and I started being afraid that he found another girl. Whereas in the previous months I was enjoying 'him' but at the same time I was so insecure that I was thinking, "oh, he is such a great guy, I am not good enough for him at the moment, I need to regain confidence in me first before making a move or being more 'open'", now I started being scared that he found someone else, although he is studying as well (he is doing a master), so he would be busy studying and being absent for that reason, but he would tell me everything every time he was not there and why, and he would also tell me why he was not replying to some message or why he replied late (all that without me asking for a reason). But in August he started talking less about what he was doing. I felt that there was a woman in his life.

Don't come to conclusions until you know for sure.  By being cautious about someone, it can cause them to be cautious as well, then they become cautious with you and you both get involved in a stand off where you believe there is something wrong with the other person, only for it to turn out that you were both being paranoid. 

We would talk a lot about work, he would say sometimes, "I need to go now, bye" etc without saying why he needed to go. Before, he always did. So, again I was 'feeling' the presence of another woman, but could never be sure, as he was always nice and talkative, even thought I noticed those differences.

I can see why you think something is happening because he has significantly changed from telling you everything.  But surely if he had another woman he would completely cut off contact with you or if he really wanted to cut you out, he would have tried to sabotage your relationship with him and get you to cut off contact. 

In September I finally felt more confident and brave, so I decided it was time to start working on this as I really like him so much, and was ready to try. It was my birthday, so while joking I invited him to come to my party... he got that it was a joke but he understood that there was a truth behind.. and he said "I can't for your birthday tonight ;-) but I will maybe come one day".. very vague... but I have never given up on him and was at least happy that I had regained that confidence that I had lost in the previous months, so I was ready to 'battle' now! :-)

Hmmm, this is starting to make me think, is there something else stopping him from visiting you.  Maybe you are right about the relationship or has he been married all along.  Now you were being upfront there is no excuse for him not to come and visit you.  "The maybe one day" suggests that something is holding him back.

Things went on as usual, but I was more open and was more often giving him compliments, making him feel appreciated, I was less nervous and really enjoying the chatting and all the intellectual 'flirting' and all the jokes. Still I knew there was something different. One day (it was October) he started talking to me asking how I was. That day was one of those days when I was feeling quite sad, so (because I promised myself I would never lie to him) I decided to be honest and when he asked me why I was sad I decided it was time for him to know my story about the marriage and the separation, 1) so he would understand why I have not been so easy and relaxed at times, 2) so he would know I was available! ;-) He was very caring when I told him that, and he told me that he was divorced as well, that after the divorce he had another important relationship that was over in the spring of last year and he was very down after the second relationship finished. And he tried to console me by saying that it will be better after some time, that I will meet other people that will be with me some for a short time, some for longer, although, he said, "I know this is easy to say but it is difficult when you are messed up for all the hurt you have received." He finally took himself as an example by saying that at the moment he was quite happy in the new relationship he was having, that he did not regret the previous 2 relationships had failed. Nevertheless he found it strange the fact that because he was spending time with her he was studying less and was getting lower marks at the master, and he was annoyed with that. At the revelation of the new relationship I felt very sad for myself, but happy that he was happy... so I said "Oh, you are going out with someone? I am happy for you..." :-( He did not go into details about that; instead he went on and on for a long time talking about love and relationships in general in order to console me... He was so caring and nice... Needless to say, I started regretting I did not make a move before, although God only know how messed up I was in the previous months. But now it was too late to regret that and I had to accept the fact that I was not at all feeling ready at that time. Still today I regret I didn't  do anything before.

The truth is only you know when you are ready and by this happening, it is fate, it was meant to happen.  What you shouldn't do though is put things off because of things that have happened in the past or make yourself less confident because of things that have happened in the past.  Again it's another thing you have learnt, you can't rush into relationships but once you are ready you shouldn't dither about and persuade yourself you are not confident enough.

After that conversation, a few times he came back to me asking me how I was feeling that day, and I was always positive, as I was actually fine, apart from the sadness caused by the fact that he was already in another relationship. :-( So he was again very close to me for a few days, to become a bit more absent as before afterwards (now I knew that he was not there because he was with the girlfriend, but he never said it to me or mentioned her again). Then I recalled a few things of the previous few weeks: he would tell me, for his birthday, at my question, "how are you celebrating?", "I am going out for dinner"; or at the question, "what about the cake??", he would say "it\'s in the oven". The I would ask, "Did you make it?" "No, a friend of mine made it and we will go out for dinner when it's ready". His birthday was in July and I thought that this 'friend' of his' could be something more, but I thought he would say 'my girlfriend' if she was such. Another time (that was June) he told me he would go some place for a long weekend, in his country, but that's all, very short sentence. When I asked, "Did you go there for a tour?", he would say "I went there to visit a friend and I went around visiting places". In both cases the one called 'one of my friends or a friend' was actually his girlfriend, I found out later. So I figured out they started going out in June.

So, before I knew he was in a relationship, only in 3 cases he called her 'a friend'.

A friend is probably his way of saying things to you in a nice way without bragging.  Some guys don't like to upset women or like to brag to women.  And he would have thought by filling those gaps with "girlfriend" he might upset you, look like he is bragging and rubbing your nose in the fact that he has a girlfriend and be trying to stop you from contacting him.  Using the word friend could also be his way of saying we are not serious enough yet  or I don't like her enough yet for me to be calling her my girlfriend, I want to keep you open to a relationship with me, so I'm going to avoid calling her a girlfriend.  Really though you have got to be mindful that he has had a conversation with you about you being upset about your past relationship, so the most likely option is he's trying to avoid the word "girlfriend" because he thinks that will avoid any upset.

Since I know about it, he never mentions her at all and he always omits to say when he is with her etc. He talks about everything but he never mentions her in the conversation.

If you fancy a woman and he is the type of guy who you describe him as, he won't mention his Ex-girlfriend or his current girlfriend that often.  Although he is going out with her now, it doesn't mean it will continue and he may want to go out with you in the future.  He doesn't want you to know about his personal life with other women.  With you describing him as the emotional type of guy, if he saw you as a friend, then he probably would come to you for advice about women or open his heart about his emotions in the relationship.  The fact that he hasn't demonstrates that you could have relationship potential with him in the future if this woman doesn't work out.

I still don't understand if he does that because he is attracted somehow to me too and wants to leave the door open or because he realised I fancy him and doesn't want to hurt me. Why do you think he is doing that?

I typed that above before reading your thoughts, as you can read above, yes, that's what I think is the most likely option, you actually know more than you think you do. 

About one month ago he was again as close as before, if not even more than he was at the beginning. He was so close I thought he had broken up with her, considering he was never mentioning her anyway. He has done some sexual references, as a joke, he has been so open about everything, he writes to me more mails (with jokes and so on) and he is always there and again back to describe each and every move at home, in the kitchen and everywhere. One day, talking about his studies, I told me that I was also starting a master next year, in Poor Reduction and Development Management, because my biggest dream is to have my own NGO for street children and I have to be prepared for it. He was very impressed by that and he asked me, "Are you going to do that on your own?" I really wanted to say, "yes, at the moment, but I wouldn't mind to do that with you in the future!" :-))))  Of course I didn't say that; instead I said, "yes, although I know it is going to be very hard but I will do my best",

Again, you are dumbing down what you really want to say, which you shouldn't be doing.  You can't get his reaction to something unless you say what you want to say.

and he encouraged me saying that he was sure I would strongly commit to it, and I would make it a success, and that was a very honourable project. He is very much into planning, economics, business management etc.. so I knew he would appreciate that, because, as I said before, we have many things in common and the same vision of life, and we share the same values. From that day on, he has been so close to me even more (if that is ever possible, truly) and so chatty and 'flirting' that I really thought his new relationship was over.

He would even be more spontaneous with me as well; that is, he would tell me if he is annoyed with something I say (which he would if he is very nervous and negative about something), then I would say to him, "I'm sorry that you feel so annoyed but this situation, I was only trying to etc etc..." to which he would say, calling me by my nickname, because he would feel he unjustly directed his anger to me "Don't worry (my nickname), I guess we understand each other very well ;-)" and he would say statements like those or "I guess we are very similar in that" etc etc very often.

Last week I asked him what plans he had for Xmas,

At least you are sort of getting direct with him now and actually asking him a question that will get you the answer about whether he is still seeing someone.

and after a very long pause of a few minutes (he generally replies straight away, with long replies) he replied that he would spend Xmas at this town with his girlfriend and her family :-( , which made me very sad and broke my hopes again, but then, after this short statement, he changed topic to talk about my Xmas, asking me who I would spend Xmas with.

Apart from that, there the way he is at the moment, even more open and close than he was at the beginning, and more spontaneous.

It sounds like he had difficulty communicating with you when he first started going out with his girlfriend.  This could of been for several reasons, maybe he was unsure about how you would take it, maybe he thought you were or would be unhappy with him, maybe he thought he needed to be cautious with you because he had a girlfriend.  Maybe he thought he'd better break up contact with you because he had this girlfriend.  Maybe he didn't want to push you away by constantly talking about his girlfriend.

But my big question is, "Is he just enjoying my friendship? Or does he really fancy me? And if he does, what could I do now that he has a girlfriend?

I think because he was on his own, at first he needed some companionship and having a remote companionship with you was ideal.  Then you seemed to develop a good rapport together and from that point onwards he probably wanted to meet up with you.  However in the back of his mind would be that this relationship isn't destined to work because you live in another country and ideally he needs to find someone in his own country and living near him.  The other possibility in his mind, is she may have the personality in our virtual relationship, but when we meet in real life will we have the rapport and will she be attractive.  Again he will debate these possibilities when thinking will your relationship work. 

Overall I think if he'd met up with you, then there was some potential for it to work.  There would be a lot of barriers there though, he lives in a different country, so would you get to know each other well enough, then if you do, would one of you be willing to relocate to the other country.  Are you both still attracted to each other enough, do you both get on just as well together in person.  All these things going through his mind would have produced a picture of, I'm better off finding someone in my own country that lives near by.  

He would not be right to make a move.... so it is more difficult now, if ever possible. It would be vital really to meet with him at least, as we would need to know if this intellectual/spiritual chemistry we have over chat and phone is also physical. But how can I do that now?

Please give me your advice, as I truly like this guy so much and we have such a great connection!

Now he has a girlfriend I think you will struggle to either go over and meet him and he will struggle to come over and meet you.  His girlfriend won't be too pleased whether he's visiting you or you visiting him and he's not likely to be very open to the opportunity either.  The only way of getting around this, is taking any potential business visits.  Or this organisation that you are thinking of starting, if you can include him in the organisation, maybe go over to interview him for the job first.  Even if you decide not to go through with the organisation, you could still pretend and then go over there and interview him.  So there's one option for getting a meeting with him.  Really the only other hope is if he finishes his girlfriend or if you go over and start living in his country, which is a bit drastic for someone you don't know in person.

Thanks a lot for your help, and sorry for the long letter, but I needed you to know as much details as possible! I hope I didn't miss anything important :-)

I hope you didn't miss anything important too ;) 

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