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Daneille85 on 23/08/2005
Hi,
I've known this guy for a year now and i can't make out whether
he fancies me or not. Last summer we started chatting in the local pub
where i worked. We never arranged 2 meet up we just used 2 see each other
in the pub and would have a drink. He would make jokes about me with
others in the pub but not nastily, in a teasing way. I don't drink very
often and one night when we were having a drink (me, him and my friend) i
got very very drunk and he had 2 carry me home. Nothing happened although
he carried me into my house and made sure i was ok before leaving. A few
weeks later he took my number out of my phone and said he was going to
text me, which he did. I really liked him and didnt know how he felt. He
had just bought a new house and was refurbishing it whilst living with
his parents. I am in university and live away during term time. It pained
me so much not knowing what he thought i texted him saying i had feelings
for him a couple of days before i was going back to university. He phoned
me up explaining he wasn't looking for a relationship, he had alot of
work with the house and his job and i would be away in uni with alot of
comittment so it wouldn't work and that he liked us as friends but he
also said he would never say never. We text each other a few times when i
was in uni and had a drink when i came home for xmas, and he texted me on
my birthday. Whenever we have a drink he always offers 2 buy my drinks
and food if we have any. This summer we have got on alot better and he
has moved into his house which he lives in alone. A few nights after
being in the pub we have ended up in his house with a chinese talking
about nothing in particular. Nothing has happened between us, not even a
kiss. One of my friends saw him out in the pub recently and when she was
drunk she told him he was invited out for a meal for her birthday as my
date and he said yes, although he hardly knows her. Lately he's been
texting me more than usual, and where i usually text first this last week
he has started to text me first. I went out with my friend and i invited
him out even though he had work the next day. He said he may come out
later, then when later came he said he may be out a bit later if i was
still out. He didn't come out but the next day he text me apologising
sayin his friend who he hadn't seen for a while came 2 see his new house
for the first time. Another night me and my friends went out for a quiet
drink and a meal and he was asked 2 come but he said he'd already started
2 make food and that he had work in the morning. But later on he text me
asking how my meal went. He seems a really shy guy and i'm a really shy
person aswell. All my friends tell me to ask him but i don't want to be
rejected again, and believe if he likes me he'll let me know because i
told him how i feel although it was a year ago. Im also due to go back to
university shortly and i'm scared that nothing will happen between us but
i'm also too proud to make the first move. I just think im reading the
situation wrong and that being the friendly guy he is, we are just
getting on really well as friends and nothing more because surely
something would have happened by now.
Sam's Response
I am very confused about
your story too, hopefully by the time I have finished this post I will
have come to a conclusion.
You say "He phoned me up explaining he wasn't looking for a
relationship, he had alot of work with the house and his job." The
only man I know that has said something similar to this is myself. I have
turned women down because I was going through a very busy period in my
life, where I could not focus my undivided attention on a woman. Once I
got those priorities sorted out, I was then back on the market for women.
I like to focus on specific tasks and get them out the way before
progressing onto another big task. Believe me, giving women your
undivided attention is a very big task. I am not being derogatory about
women but they require a lot of attention and they drive a man to
distraction whether he is at work or at home, women drain our energy. For
that reason if we are reaching an important point in our career we like
to focus on that. After all we might not get the chance to improve our
career ever again, whereas there are plenty of women in the world to
focus our attentions on when we have got this fixed. But I would say not
that many men would adopt this attitude if a woman came along that we
could not resist.
You say "He seems a really shy guy and i'm a really shy person
aswell". Again I don't mean to be derogatory to women because I
reckon the same maybe true of men. But quite a few men have bad
experiences early on in life with women. It damages a man's self
confidence with women.
Quite a few men ask women out and get what I call a bad attitude answer,
which includes "get lost loser, do I look desperate, with a nerd
like you" As he is walking away all the ladies giggle at him, not a
nice feeling. This naturally damages a man's confidence about getting a
girlfriend. Also if he does get a girlfriend will he be able to keep her
occupied after all he now believes he is a nerd or a loser because so
many women have told him so.
This gives a man a phobia and complex of asking women out and even if a
woman offers herself on a plate he may fear he will not hold onto them.
So the best way to avoid the hurt of being dumped is to totally forget
about women and live a life of singledom. Of course he can then focus on
women as just friends. But I really am not sure whether this is the case
in your situation.
You say "being the friendly guy he is, we are just getting on really
well as friends and nothing more" This is a possibility but the only
way you will find out this is to spend time together. It maybe that he
did not fancy you, but as you get closer as friends he may start to see
you as more and more attractive. Eventually you will be having a laugh
together, might find your eyes meet at once, and then you start that
spontaneous kiss. Don't try and force it, just see if it happens.
The way I see it, in your situation, is that you have made it clear to
him your feelings, so it is up to him to make the next move. If he really
and truely fancies you, he will make a move eventually. Of course you
should not wait around for him, you should be looking for other options,
because he might not fancy you.
Click
here to Ask Sam some questions
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