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ER3 on 03/09/2006
My guy and i
have the most amazing conversations online and aswell
as on the phone we have so freakin much to talk
about. . . but when we meet up in person we
hardly talk! we've only been going out for 2
weeks but i really like him and i think hes really shy. how do i help him loosen up?
First of all having conversations online
is probably much easier for a bloke. Most blokes (there are
exceptions) are nowhere near as good at communication as women are.
Very few blokes are good a verbal communication but they often compensate
by being good at written communication, though blokes can often avoid
using their written communication skills.
If you were to ask me, whether I'm more
likely to say something controversial online or say something
controversial in person, I would say it online everytime.
In general a bloke can say pretty much anything to another bloke, even
the most outlandish or offensive things. When talking to a woman a
bloke has to be very, very careful what he says. Men, find women
very sensitive and in general women read too much into what a bloke
says. Women tend to look for some sort of hidden meaning to what a
man says, but most of the time there is either no hidden meaning or she
misinterprets what he is trying to say. I think it is safe to say,
that quite a few men find it frustrating trying to have a conversation
with a woman, because they have to watch what they say too much.
Only the super charmers and super
confident blokes tend to enjoy conversations with women. They have
somehow managed to perfect what most men can't, they can get away with
saying most things to women or work there way
out of the situation if they say something bad..
It could be because they are good looking, it could be because they were
gifted with good communication, it could be because they are super
confident, it could be because they use their body language to get away
with saying anything they want, it could be because they were born with
more female brains.
You've probably heard that men are not
particularly good at multi-tasking. Apparently a man's brain is
usually separated in the middle, whereas a woman's brain tends to be
joined in the middle, allowing them to multi-task (both sides of the
brain can communicate with each other and be used at the same time).
When it comes to communicating with women a man has to use so many of his
senses. Sight, touch, body language, hearing, verbal communication,
anticipation etc. This can be overwhelming for a bloke. For
most women communication comes naturally through practice and through the
way their brain is physically made up.
I'm just side stepping a bit now and
answering another point that you made. What can also be a problem
is that you spend so much time online and on the phone talking to each
other, that when you actually get to meet up, you're thinking, there's
nothing left to say, "I've said everything online and on the
phone". That was a problem I had with my last
girlfriend. When we were apart we never stopped chatting online and
by text. When we were together, we had to go to the Cinema, watch a
DVD or watch TV because we were both sat there wondering what to
say. Yet we had a bundle of fun chatting online and by phone.
In the end I finished the relationship because it was never going to work
out, it was just too odd for me and slightly
creepy, not talking to each other.
Whereas I don't chat with my current
girlfriend on the phone or online, and when we send e-mails it tends to
be one-liners. So when we meet up, we have endless things to chat
about. I personally hate phones and chatting using MSN. Both these
methods have benefits when you are away from each other, but if you can
easily go round to each others house and have
the same conversation, why bother with phones or MSN.
Yes he could be really shy. But if
he can chat to you on the phone and online, there is a bloke behind that
shyness that you could have an interesting conversation with. One
thing that women should do with blokes is give a man a bit of leeway and
let him relax. OK, he is going to say some stupid things, but don't
take an ultra strop at the slightest thing he says, don't
read into anything he says. You may not have done this yet and you
may not be that type of sensitive woman. But nevertheless he is
certain to have come across many women that immediately take offence at
something a bloke says.
This is generally the reason why shy men
are shy men, though there are other reasons, like lack of practice
communicating with a woman and lack of knowledge of what a woman likes to
talk about and a general feeling that a woman is in overall control of
communication. He will also have encountered many women, that he has approached and have told him to
F-off, because they thought he was trying to chat them up, (women tend
not to be very polite if a bloke tries to make conversation). In
general, communication with women can end up with grief and a lot of bad
experiences. To some men, they get too used to avoiding
conversations with women, because they get scared of the grief and bad
experiences and their own lack of ability to communicate with women.
In my case with my last girlfriend a lot
of time went by and we were still not communicating that well when we
were together. Nevertheless, you can learn something from
this. The ultimate problem I had was that we were communicating too
much online and by text. What you could try doing, is try to
gradually reduce the amount you communicate using these methods and
hopefully when you do meet up you will have plenty to talk about.
Also don't be afraid to go a few days without seeing each other, or
speaking to each other, it just means you should have more to talk about,
next time you meet up.
Also you have an important part to
play. Remember a women is far superior when it comes to
communication, so before you meet up with him, remember the things you
want to tell him about your day, remember the things you want to ask him
about his day. Tell him slowly, don't blurt things out fast and
don't move the conversation on to the next subject too fast. A man
needs time to gain is concentration when having a conversation.
You've got to relax him, make him realise
you don't give a toss if he starts talking about sex or makes any stupid
or controversial comments. If he does end up saying some stupid
things and it doesn't bother you, then he going to start thinking,
"well what the hell, I said that and she wasn't bothered, I might as
well say anything". (Yes, you do have to draw the line at some of
things that he might say, just don't go on forever about it and embarrass
him too much). Though don't try and force him or push the conversation to
sex or controversial subjects, this will just be unnatural and may make
him nervous. You've got to carefully and slowly work his shyness
out of him.
Other ways to work his shyness out of him, is to do something that he likes doing.
Going to watch a football match, going bowling or something like
that. In the early stages of a relationship the onus tends to be on
a bloke making sure he takes the woman where she wants to go. If
you go somewhere he enjoys going, and you enjoy (or pretend you are
enjoying it), it breaks the ice. You might go to the football match
with him and he spends the whole match screaming at the referee, you can
say at the end of the match "and I thought you were shy".
You are only in the early stages of your
relationship, so getting him to lose his shyness could be a good
challenge for you. Whether you win that challenge will depend
ultimately on how well you match each other. To have a conversation
with each other, you have to have a rapport.
In general opposites attract. If you
are gobby and he is shy, there is a good chance
you will get on. If you were both gobby,
then you would just clash all the time. If you were both shy, then
it would be hopeless getting any conversation out of each other.
Don't be afraid of silences and don't
force yourself to make a conversation. Just make each other feel
relaxed in each others company. Where one
of you are tired or lacking the will to have a conversation, try and find
something comfortable to do, like lie on the sofa, getting cosy with each
other and watch some TV, without the pressure of having to make
conversation. Conversation should not be forced,
it should be instinctive and enjoyable.
You may find that after he has got
comfortably close to your body, including touching, getting cosy on the
sofa, he may lose quite a bit of his shyness (as long as he doesn't feel
the pressure to move onto sex).
Anyway, good luck.
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