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May on 28/09/2005
I know this man for about 9 months, but only go out with him for the last 4 months. From the beginning, he and I agreed to be friend because he said he is not interested in me in the romantic way. Our pattern of going out usually includes going to some public place (the beach, park,
restaurant...) and then go back to his place to watch TV together. And there was no physical contact whatsoever between us. There was one time, we were having an arm wrestling match at his place. After the game over, he seemed reluctant to let go of my hands. Things went back to the normal pattern (no physical contact) after that night. 2 weeks ago, he misunderstood something I said and I was trying to explain myself to him. Suddenly I felt like crying and told him that. He took me into his arms and tried to comfort me by stroking my hair, message my neck, my head (We were standing at the kitchen at
that time). About 10 minutes later, he asked if I wanted to move to the sofa. And when we got over there, he lifted me up and put me onto his lap. This really surprised me because I know he is a very conservative man. In the past, he told me he does not like to have any kind of intimacy with his female friends. The next time we were at his place, he couldn't control himself and did his intimate act again (nothing important, just holding me and massaging my neck).
Later on that night, he suggested that we shouldn't see each other again in a private environment because it provides too much temptation. I said ok. The very next night we ended up at his place and one more time he reached for me (I never initiated any physical contact between us. I just went along everytime). This time, he got
really upset and said I had been disordered his life and he does not want to see me again. He said he will try not to call me and when I asked him why use the word "try". He got all upset and refused to answer. I told him, if he does not want to see me again, I will respect his decision. The next night, he emailed me appolozing and said we don't need to go to the extreme, we still can hang around together but have to be careful so that we don't do something that we will regret later. This man confuses me! I have no idea what he wants. Because when he said he is not interested in me romantically, I accepted it and never expected anything besides friendship from him. And during
our time together, he kept reminding me I am not the one for him but now for some reason he cannot keep his hands off me and everytime he went out of line, he got all upset. What is going on?
Sam's Response Hi May
There are some occasions when a man starts off not fancying a woman. Even if he did not find that woman attractive when he first met her, after spending a lot of time with her, you can start to find her attractive.
What women and indeed men don't realise is that personality can play in an important part in attraction. Only after knowing someone for a while will they be able to assess whether they do or don't like someones personality.
After a while the physical attraction can be clouded by the fact that you find their personality attractive, and the person as a package becomes attractive. (As can be seen in long term relationships and marriages, where as years go by the man and woman get less physically attractive but generally more attracted to each other personality wise).
You would kind of hope that the above was what was happening in your case. But there maybe other reasons.
Sometimes men become confused, they become confused between female friends and female girlfriends. This is generally only the case when they have known a lady for a long time. Men find it difficult to seperate female friends from female girlfriends. Quite often men avoid making female friends because of this complication. The typical stance they take with females is they either have a relationship with them or they do not want to know them.
Quite a few men have a big appetite for sex, but not a particularly big appetite for relationships. Mens hormones are constantly up and down. Women go through a very hormonal stage once a month, men tend to go through a very hormonal stage once a week. If you are there when he is going through one of his very hormonal stages, you will become too tempting for him. Hence you are pointing out that he can't wait to get his hands on you. Then once he has thought about what he has done, he becomes confused and upset because he doesn't really find you attractive.
He should not be taking it out on you though. By the sounds of it, it is him making the moves. So I don't know why he is taking his frustrations out on you. He will probably be feeling guilty himself, as well as frustrated by you tempting him (even though you may not actively be tempting him).
If he has only known you for a bit, most men will usually have no problem with using you for sex. If he has known you for a while and you are a friend, using you for sex would weigh heavily on his mind.
This guy is clearly not interested in you, as you say he has clearly told you this. And by the fact that he keeps going hot and cold all the time, pretty much confirms that he does not have a firm interest in you as a girlfriend.
Click here to Ask Sam some questions
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