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May on 28/09/2005
I know this man for about 9 months, but only go out with him for
the last 4 months. From the beginning, he and I agreed to be friend
because he said he is not interested in me in the romantic way. Our
pattern of going out usually includes going to some public place (the
beach, park,
restaurant...) and then go back to his place to watch TV
together. And there was no physical contact whatsoever between us. There
was one time, we were having an arm wrestling
match at his place. After the game over, he seemed reluctant to let go of
my hands. Things went back to the normal pattern (no physical contact)
after that night. 2 weeks ago, he misunderstood something I said and I
was trying to explain myself to him. Suddenly I felt like crying and told
him that. He took me into his arms and tried to comfort me by stroking my
hair, message my neck, my head (We were standing at the kitchen at
that time). About 10 minutes later, he asked if I wanted to move
to the sofa. And when we got over there, he lifted me up and put me onto
his lap. This really surprised me because I know he is a very
conservative man. In the past, he told me he does not like to have any
kind of intimacy with his female friends. The next time we were at his
place, he couldn't control himself and did his intimate act again
(nothing important, just holding me and massaging my neck).
Later on that night, he suggested that we shouldn't see each
other again in a private environment because it provides too much
temptation. I said ok. The very next night we ended up at his place and
one more time he reached for me (I never initiated any physical contact
between us. I just went along everytime). This time, he got
really upset and said I had been disordered his life and he does
not want to see me again. He said he will try not to call me and when I
asked him why use the word "try". He got all upset and refused
to answer. I told him, if he does not want to see me again, I will
respect his decision. The next night, he emailed me appolozing and said
we don't need to go to the extreme, we still can
hang around together but have to be careful so that we don't do something
that we will regret later. This man confuses me! I have no idea what he
wants. Because when he said he is not interested in me romantically, I
accepted it and never expected anything besides friendship from him. And
during
our time together, he kept reminding me I am not the one for him
but now for some reason he cannot keep his hands off me and everytime he
went out of line, he got all upset. What is going on?
Sam's Response
Hi May
There are some occasions when a man starts off
not fancying a woman. Even if he did not find that woman attractive when
he first met her, after spending a lot of time with her, you can start to
find her attractive.
What women and indeed men don't realise is that personality can play in
an important part in attraction. Only after knowing someone for a while
will they be able to assess whether they do or
don't like someones personality.
After a while the physical attraction can be clouded by the fact that you
find their personality attractive, and the person as a package becomes
attractive. (As can be seen in long term relationships and marriages,
where as years go by the man and woman get less physically attractive but
generally more attracted to each other personality wise).
You would kind of hope that the above was what was happening in your
case. But there maybe other reasons.
Sometimes men become confused, they become confused between female
friends and female girlfriends. This is generally only the case when they
have known a lady for a long time. Men find it difficult to seperate
female friends from female girlfriends. Quite often men avoid making
female friends because of this complication. The typical stance they take
with females is they either have a relationship with them or they do not
want to know them.
Quite a few men have a big appetite for sex, but not a particularly big
appetite for relationships. Mens hormones are constantly up and down.
Women go through a very hormonal stage once a month,
men tend to go through a very hormonal stage once a week. If you are
there when he is going through one of his very hormonal stages, you will
become too tempting for him. Hence you are pointing out that he can't wait
to get his hands on you. Then once he has thought about what he has done,
he becomes confused and upset because he doesn't really find you
attractive.
He should not be taking it out on you though. By the sounds of it, it is
him making the moves. So I don't know why he is taking his frustrations
out on you. He will probably be feeling guilty himself, as well as
frustrated by you tempting him (even though you may not actively be
tempting him).
If he has only known you for a bit, most men will usually have no problem
with using you for sex. If he has known you for a while and you are a
friend, using you for sex would weigh heavily on his mind.
This guy is clearly not interested in you, as you say he has clearly told
you this. And by the fact that he keeps going hot and cold all the time,
pretty much confirms that he does not have a firm interest in you as a
girlfriend.
Click
here to Ask Sam some questions
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