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catrick on 17/03/2006
i really hope you have a moment to reply
to my question because i havent a clue on how my mans mind ticks. we've
been going out for just over a year now, im 22 and he is nearly 25. we
have both got on so well and are very much in love. the thing is that this
yr after summer im starting to rent a house off my mum and wanted him to
move in with me. he initially asked me to ask him again closer to the
time,
This was either to buy him some time to
think about it, or because he didn't know whether you were being
completely serious. Men don't like to make plans until something is
definite, at that point you were just proposing an idea, which might not
necessarily be happening.
but with my mum wanting a contract signed
and so on she was constantly asking me who else will be her tenant. my bf
would tell me one minute how he wants to move out from his mums house and
how we'd have a laugh, and then he'd say he's too skint ( he has a full
time job and earns over £1100 a month which would more than cover the
rent, id be paying half too! )
There's definitely something up
here. Either he feels you are rushing into moving in together, or
he wants to preserve his cash, or he is not sure whether you have a long
term potential. Moving into together is a big commitment for men,
men are not particularly good with commitment. They only like to
make commitment when they are completely sure, women once they've fallen
in love with someone are keen to tie their bloke down.
Women tend to be very pushy and start to
get a bit annoyed when a man is not showing commitment. As a woman
you need to do one of two things, either back off and give him some space
and let him decide when he wants to move in with you. Or let it
effect your relationship and derive that he is not that committed to your
relationship and therefore you should move on. I would have to say
that 1 year is not that long and my recommendation is that you give him
more time to decide. If you said your relationship was two years
old, I would be more concerned.
and he'd moan about how all his mates his
age are now settling down and he is still sad for living with his mum.
When a bloke is still living with his
parents at the age of 25, he tends to get dependant on living with
them. He has a brilliant lifestyle, his mum probably cooks for him,
and does all the housework and he probably gets a very discounted rent
off them, therefore he will have loads of disposable cash. Move in
with a woman, he will have to share some of the household chores, take
responsibility for certain man type jobs, have a woman nagging at him,
have to deal with problems he hasn't dealt with before and lose most of
his disposable income on rent, bills and household items. There is
therefore a tendency for a man as old as 25 to have become used to living
with his parents and build up a phobia of leaving home. Plus his
parents might not be too pleased if he moves in with another woman after
just one year, and depending on how old fashioned they are, some parents
don't like their sons to move in with a woman until they are married
(though, parents that old-fashioned are getting more rare).
He will certainly go through moments where
he will want his own place. Having his own place has it's benefits
too, it's just he hasn't seen the benefits outweigh staying with his
parents yet. The benefits of having you own place to him, is you
can have sex whenever you want, he can have his friends around, providing
you let him.
another factor to complicate it is my
mum, my bf doesnt like her because she did alot of things wrong bringing
me up and i took on her role when my dad died. to me i think he should
forget how my mum is and the fact that my mum owns the house, as tenants
she wouldnt be in my life much, only if i wanted to see her (as ive never
been close to her this wouldnt be very regular at all)!
This is a factor but I don't see it as a
main reason. If he felt absolutely committed and dedicated to you,
he would certainly consider moving in with you. As I say above, he
just needs more time, you can't push a bloke. It maybe that he is
having second thoughts about your relationship and doesn't see you
relationship lasting, it maybe that he thinks you are being too pushy, it
maybe that he is just not ready for that commitment yet. I would
say it is probably the last option.
meanwhile whilst i was waiting for a
'will he/ wont he' answer, a mate katie from my work said she'd
definately live with me, and although i know it would be fun living with
katie i wanted to live with my bf more than anything else, a kind of
'knowing where my life is going' thing. ive since told him that ill have
katie in the house and leave him to his own thing, maybe one day when he
is ready we could get our own place.
sorry this has dragged on abit! i suppose
what i really want is another mans opinion on why he doesnt want to rent
with me, afterall its less of a commitment than doing the whole mortgage
thing!
Yes it's less of a commitment than the
mortgage thing. But maybe he wants to save up, for you getting
married and buying a house in a few years. Spending money on rent,
is not going to just throw the money away and he is not going to have
enough money to spend on a potential marriage and house.
it upset me to think that he couldnt just
say yes and make it a happy time for both of us.
Sorry but this is the way he will be
seeing it: It seems like many women, you are trying to push him
into something too soon and being stroppy because he's not doing what you
want him to. Moving into a house together is a big step and big
commitment, if he is not going to be happy with it, it's best he doesn't
do it now. It seems like you are being selfish, expecting him to
say yes not to make you both happy, but to make you happy. Don't
get me wrong many women do this, they just don't see a man's point of
view (which is understandable because women don't think like a
man). For a man to move in with a woman, it always has to be a
decision he is confident will work, because it makes it difficult to move
back with his parents if it doesn't work out. And he doesn't want
to end up alone, moreover it can often lead to many pressures in a
relationship with you and maybe he is not ready for that yet.
instead its causing tension, he is now
getting jealous that me and katie will have loads of 'lads' round, but he
was the one who eventually said no to it anyway??!!
Yes, he would get jealous, that's a
natural reaction because he values your relationship and wants to protect
you from getting with any other men. It shows he is serious about
you, even though he is not ready for "a full on move into together
relationship".
if you have any idea on what i should do
and why he seems too afraid of moving in please please let me know! im
tearing my hair out!
I would say give him some more time.
At least another couple of months. Once you have settled down in
your house, it may settle him in on the idea of moving in with you.
By you moving into your own house, it may give him more time to spend
with you, stay over round your house a few nights, this will give him an
idea on whether he can tolerate living with you long term. He's
just taking it slowly and carefully, which is not really a bad thing for
a relationship. It may turn out, long term, that he wasn't committed
enough to your relationship, but at this stage I think it's too early to
tell, and you should give him the benefit of the doubt and back off a
bit.
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