|
confused! on 25/09/2006
I have been
seperated from my husband for 9 months and divorce is under way. 5 months
ago I started talking to one of his best mates who he has grown up with
at school but they don't see too much off each other now. We were talking
for a few months then one thing led to another. He has been seperated
from his wife for 8 years. The relationship started to get heavy on both
sides now he is getting scared with his feelings, guilt hits, in with his
best friend and he is worried how others will perceive him. He says it
would be easier if it was later down the line my ex had moved on and was
happy etc.
I agree that in
his situation he would be feeling guilty and maybe a bit scared.
Men's image and reputation amongst other people is very
important to them (though they don't normally admit it). Nor do
they usually admit they are a bit scared. He will be scared that
your ex is going to come back on the scene and all of a sudden you are
going to get back with him. Or maybe your ex is going to get back
on the scene and cause some trouble. Most men prefer to avoid
trouble (though there are exceptions).
I have said to him
if there are no feelings just finish it he says it's just the situation
but he can't end it because he will regret it and he does have feelings.
I don't know what to do, I want to carry on hoping that his feelings will
get stonger as it is still very early days for us and not just to give up
like with all relationships you have to try.
I think you have
identified a very good point here, and it was the point that I was
thinking when I read above. His feelings for you are not strong
yet. Because if they were strong, then he probably wouldn't be
having these doubts. As you say it is only early days yet and
you have got to give it time for your relationship to evolve.
I am worried that if
I end it he may just think I wasn't that interested which I am very much
so or he will just switch off his feelings and think it's for the best.
Yes, that is
exactly what he would do. You seem to actually know men quite
well. If a woman dumps a man, he tends to switch off his feelings
towards a woman and just try and move onto the next available woman as
soon as possible.
If I do end it and
his feelings are that strong will he realise and try again or just give
up, how do men work in this situation.
I would say it
depends on the man and how much feelings he has for you so far. But
in general most men will just give up and move onto the next woman.
In the early stages of a relationship, there's no point in sticking with
a woman, if the woman decides it's over. It would be much more easier for
him to negotiate a new relationship with a new woman, that is more likely
to work out. Yes, he may want to come back to you for sex, if he
doesn't find that other woman, but deep down he will know your
relationship is not meant to last long term.
What should I do
keep at it or end it.
Too many woman
make quick decisions that they later regret and end up either regretting
what they did or going crawling back because they have too many feelings
for the guy. Everything you've said in this message has indicated
that you actually have feelings for him. Yet, like many women you
want to make a situation more complicated than it actually is. You
are talking about doing the exact opposite to what you really want by
finishing him, in the hope that you have second guessed that he will then
become more keen and want to win you back. Many women have got to
realise that it is not a game of chess where you have to pre-empt your
partners next move. It is not that complicated and it certainly
isn't a game.
A relationship has
to evolve over time, you can't just expect a guy to instantly fall in
love with you. So my advice is to do exactly what you want and
don't make it anymore complicated than that. From what you have
said in this message you certainly want to keep it, and that's what I
recommend you do.
I guess I push him
for answers because of the feelings he has told me he has and then he
goes a bit cold like he thinks he shouldn't be doing this or may be he is
worried I will just find someone else.
Never push a guy
into making decisions early on in the relationship. It scares the
hell out of him, and makes him think, it is like this now imagine how
pushy she will be after living with her for a few years. Men
need time.
He wants to know
what I am doing all the time if I go out with my mates etc.
If that's the
case, then yes maybe he is worried that you are going to get with
somebody else, when you are out with your mates. Male partners do
worry a lot about women going out nowadays, because women paint the
picture that they don't do one night stands, but in actual fact he will
know that quite a few women do have one night stands.
I really like him
what if we are the perfect match will it just happen they say if it is
meant to be it will happen or do I have to work at it.
To me a perfect
match will just fall into place anyway. In the early stages of a
relationship both people tend to be nervous. Eventually though, the
perfect match will just happen and you both would be completely relaxed
in each others company. You won't find out if you are the perfect
match unless you give it a go. I don't think you need to work at it
really, it should just happen. But most of all both of you should
want it to happen.
Please help don't
want to blow my chances havn't a clue how men think or are there any right
things for me to say or do to help the situation. If he says his heart
says no for the moment does that mean forever or do I give him time I'm
not the sort that can just switch off feelings.
If he says your
finished, then that is the end of it. You shouldn't give your
relationship a second chance. Because basically if it didn't happen
the first time, it is just going to end up the same way the second
time. It's only early on in your relationship so you need to give
it time to evolve. After you have experienced the relationship a
while longer, you should get the idea of whether it is going to
work. I must admit his thoughts at the moment don't seem very
reassuring, which does put doubts into my mind about whether it will work
long term. He maybe trying to back himself out of the relationship
gradually. But nevertheless you can't come to that conclusion so
early.
He is the one
having doubts, so he has to be the one that makes the decision. You
should only make the decision if you start to feel it is not working or
your not enjoying the relationship. What you shouldn't do is
finish the relationship yourself, when really you want to make it
work. So all I can say is give it time, before you make any
decisions.
Click
here to Ask Sam some questions
|
