|
confused and frustrated on 29/11/2006
I've been good friends with a guy
for about 18months. We are both single and in our early twenties. I
started fancying him pretty much immediately but after a series of
friendships going sour from telling guys I liked them, I decided to give
it time to see if things developed.
Friendships do tend to go sour
with the opposite sex, if they find out you fancy them. For some
reason people feel the need to avoid someone that fancies them, almost as
if it becomes a difficult situation that they don't know how to react to.
We've become closer and talked about
past relationships, future hopes, our sexual history (we're both virgins)
etc. I was feeling insecure about my potential for a relationship and he
said that I had everything going for me and had a better body than his ex
etc.
There are loads of women that I
think have great bodies but I would never go out with them because their
personality doesn't match what I want from a woman and a long term
relationship. But it seems he is trying to butter you up for some
reason here. He likes the look of your body and that might be a
clue that he wants to get intimate with your body.
I've found out since that he knows I
fancy him, so why would he say that unless he's trying to lead me on?
Most men don't find out that women
fancy them. They never trust gossip and they never rely too much on
their gut instinct about whether a woman fancies them (because they are
usually wrong). So in essence I know your saying that he thinks you
fancy him, but in reality the only way of him finding out for real is to
ask you. I don't know how many times I've had women telling me that
other women fancy me, sometimes I only half believe them and others times
it is just to awkward a circumstance to ask a woman there and then.
Sometimes
you even get the women themselves being present at the time and saying,
no I don't fancy him, don't lie.
Most men are just not that good at
reading signs or taking hints or making judgements that women fancy them.
Women have a habit of changing their minds often too, so basically the
only way he can find out is to make a move on you. Men find they
have to tip-toe around before asking a woman out because if they fly
at you quickly and without a thought, it will make them look
and feel desperate and they will not be prepared about how to
react to the situation. The way that he will really find out
whether you fancy him is to spend more time with you.
And then one day he brought up the
subject of masturbation and we ended up discussing it for hours. He said
he'd briefly talked about it with his best (male) friend but I've never
discussed it with anyone else so I felt really close to him then. Why
should he bring such a personal subject up?
I've got to admit I would never
risk bringing up this conversation with a women I may fancy. Most
women would be creeped out if a man they didn't fancy started discussing
masturbation. Therefore this is either him trying to put forward a
sexual based subject, in order to make you think of him in a sexual way
or he is just having a bit of fun and talking to you as a friend and
seeing how far he can push the conversation subject. This is just
too much of a risky conversation to be having with someone he fancies, so
it puts doubts in my mind that he fancies you.
After I left, I sent him a txt
saying that it might not be a great idea to discuss things like that in
future as it made me really turned on. He replied a bit dirty and we
ended up sending each other several naked pics and msgs to arouse each
other while we masturbated. But just before we did he said that it didn't
mean anything and he only saw me as a friend.
That kind of makes me
suspicious. As if he sees you as a sexual object on the one hand,
but just wants you to be friends on the other hand. It kind of
indicates to me, he wants sex with you, but without the
relationship. He sees you as an alternative to viewing porn on the
internet, you can turn him on, and he doesn't have to make any effort to
take you out on dates.
Men can be turned on by naked
pictures of any woman, whether he finds her attractive her not. So
whether he finds you attractive or not, sending naked pictures and
naughty messages would be a big turn on for him.
For example if you find the e-mail
addresses or mobile numbers of 10 men and you sent a naked photo to them,
pretending you know them. I bet you would get a very good response
back, the only thing that might stop any of those 10 blokes is if they
think it is maybe a scam. Nevertheless if none of them thought it
was a scam, I would bet you get a 100% response rate. Not all ten
of those men, is likely to find you attractive but when they see naked
photos of you they will certainly want to know what more they can
get. That is just an example of how a man's mind works when he sees
naked photos of a woman.
Why would he be able to talk to me
really personally and be a good friend but seemingly be attracted to me
without wanting to go out with me?
I really can't see that makes
sense at all. It seems that you have found a guy that is playing a
game, with you as his sex toy.
The next time I saw him after the
sex texting it was really awkward between us but we didn't talk about it.
We agreed (through txting) it wouldn't happen again. But it has happened
a few times since and then again each time we say it won't happen again
cos it'd affect our friendship.
It's like a drug, you both can't
resist it at the time because it is enjoyable and exciting and goes
against the usually boring daily routine. Nevertheless
when he is thinking straight (not thinking about sex), he
realises that it is the wrong thing to do and he will probably feel
guilty about it. It does indeed look as though he knows you
fancy him now, and he seems to be abusing that power over you, to get you
to do things you wouldn't normally do. He is living out one of his
fantasies by having you do what he wants you to do.
This story just reminds me of a
one night stand. You get drunk and end up having sex with someone
you don't fancy, then wake up feeling guilty and regretting it.
Then you make the same mistake again next time you are drunk.
Plus we're not seeing each other
much at the moment cos of circumstances so we're mostly just having text
sex. Then after the last time, we said that no matter what it wouldn't
happen again.
However, last weekend at 5am I got
woken up by him (presumably drunk!) demanding to see my, shall we say
'private parts'.
Quite predicatable, when you are
drunk you lose all your inhibitions and don't care about other peoples
feelings. Most men can control their sexual urges when they are
sober (you might not believe that but it's true, we have far more sexual
urges that we actually display), but alcohol turns off the reasoning part
of their brain (and turns off the reasoning part of a woman's brain as well).
And therefore you don't get any reasoning out of a drunk man.
I kept saying 'no' but he was really
insistent because he wanted a "good wank" and in the end I gave
in - I got nothing in return and no apology the next day for waking me
up.
That's it he is just using you and
you are get nothing at all from the situation. You may have been
getting something out of it initially when you were mutually masturbating
with each other, but now he is pushing it a step further and just
selfishly getting off with you without you getting anything out of it at
all. He might not remember it the next day when he sobered up, but
more likely he will remember it, but finds it so embarrassing and nasty
that he doesn't want to apologise or remind you or remind himself of what
happened. Plus he might want to do it again, so he is not going to
apologise for it.
I've not spoken to him since and I'm
really pissed off at him. Is he just treating me as his sex slave,
thinking cos I fancy him he can do what he wants and demand as he likes?
Yes, unfortunately you are right
to be pissed off with him and you have picked out exactly what he was
doing. I have read this message you have sent in chronological
order and answered your message in chronological order and as you can see
from my comments above, I was coming to the exact same conclusion that
you are coming to here (if you pardon the expression!).
Does he just want sex? Or could he
possibly want a relationship eventually?
It's possible that he would want a
relationship eventually, though I would think this is unlikely. He
has taken so many risks with you, I really don't see that he values you
as a long term relationship prospect at all. But really this guy
has treated you so badly, that you really shouldn't entertain any possible
chance of a relationship. It is unlikely to work long term, because
even if he changes the way he treats you, there is always going to be the
memories there, of how he treated you early on.
And what do I do now? Do I confront
him with this and my feelings?
I don't see any point in
confronting him with your feelings. You don't really want to know
this guy anymore (at least I would recommend you don't want to know this
guy anymore). By confronting him you are only going to create an
atmosphere everytime and confrontation everytime he is in the same room
as you. And he might end up using various excuses and feel he can
win you back by talking you around. This will again lead to you
being persuaded to be his sex toy, when he is in raunchy mode.
Or do I just put it behind me and
try not to give into him again?
That is exactly the best way to
deal with him. You want to find yourself a decent man, get over him
(it doesn't seem like there is much to get over to me, he didn't provide
much to you at all).
Sorry this has been so long, but I
can't really talk to anyone about this as it's so private and I'm really
confused!
I suspected he fancies one of my
friends (well it's very blatent flirting anyway) and when we've talked
about it he says he doesn't like her that much and that he knows nothing
would happen with her.
He doesn't like her that much, so
he likes her then, just not much (really that is a contradiction, you
either like someone or you don't, if you confused between the two options
then really you don't like them enough). So basically he does like
her, that's the meaning of what he said. He knows nothing will
happen with her, so he knows she is way too good for him (which sounds
about accurate really, based on how he treated you). Basically he is
saying he doesn't stand a chance, so he is going to pretend he doesn't
fancy her at all, so it doesn't make him look bad.
Why would he say that if he didn't
wanna get my hopes up? Surely if he didn't like me, he'd just say that
yeah, he did really fancy her regardless?
You should start talking to her
about how badly he treated you and what a dirty get he is. Unfortunately what has happened is
likely to be too embarrassing to tell your friends about, so you may not
decide to do that. Nevertheless it sounds as though he never
fancied you, but he does fancy this friend of yours. He wouldn't
want to tell you that he fancied her and didn't fancy you, because then
he wouldn't have been able to use you as a sex toy. I've got to say
that really he should have thought that by treating you the way he has
treated you, that he wouldn't stand any chance with your friend.
But then women have a habit of fancying bad boys, and this is what this
guy is.
Click
here to Ask Sam some questions
|
