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elocks on 26/10/2005
Hi, I am 34 years old, divorced with a 7 year old chid. I met a
divorced man with 2 children 10 and 15 who live with their mum and who he
sees at weekends. This man asked me to his house for takeaway and I went.
We had sex and I left in the morning. He texted me to say he would like
to spend some more time with me again some time. That night I called him
at 10pm as I had not heard from him and I said I did not want a
relationship at it would interfere with my career , but the truth is I
felt that he only wanted me for sex and I wanted to reject him befroe he
messed with my head. So we left it at that. A few days later i texted him
to say could we be friends and he replied yes. He came to my house for
dinner twice as friends and we got on amazingly well. Platonic. A few
days after that, I texted him and said I'd date him now if he asked me.
He repleid the next day to say we should meet and talk about it face to
face. I texted him again saying did he wan to date me or not and he told
me he wanted to talk about it face to face. We met up and had sex, we did
not talk about it. I accidently knocked him in the eye and he got quite
angry at me and thatnight he said he could not sleep if I stayed at his
place and I left and went home after sex at 1am (i live 10 mins away) It
all felt a bit dramatic as I was cross that i was asked to leave his
place after sex. He txt me that night saying how could things be so nice
then end up so bad? I called him and left a messgae saying sorry for the
accidently poke in the eye etc. The next day I got a text saying he would
like to next see me in a week and hang out as mates? I rang him and we
talked and he said he was confused about what he wanted and that alarm
bells went off in his head when I got so cross when he asked me to leave that
night. I said I wanted to date him and he said he needed to decide what
he wanted. A week later he texted me 3 times which i ignored then he sent
a text saying PLEASE txt me to say you are ok at least. So the next day I
sebt a text to say i was o.k ans have a good day. he sent a cheeky flirty
reply to which i sent an immediat flirty reply. Since then 2 days ago U
have not heard from him and I have deleted his number. I dont know what
to make of this, it all seems a bit of a mess. I dont know how he feels
about me or what he wants. He is not treating me like a mate or like a
sex buddy either. I am going crazy and my friends all say move on and
forhet him completely, and to delete all future txts without reading them
and not engage with him at all on any level because he is very confused
or elas not into you really. Plaes can you shed some light. I really
fancy him and ned to find a way to get him out of my system if he is
messing me around. What do you think????
Sam's
Response
You said "I
accidently knocked him in the eye and he got quite angry at me and that
night" It is human instinct for someone to get angry or
uncomfortable if someone pokes you in the eye, whether it was accidental
or not. I am sure if he had done the same to you, you would not have been
too chuffed.
You said "he said he could not sleep if I stayed at his place and I
left and went home after sex at 1am" Wait a moment though, do you
mean he got angry after you poked him in the eye and then he said you
could not sleep the night, but then you had sex. If he was so angry he
should have insisted that you went home straight after you poked him in
the eye, not after you had sex. That is out of order of him and using the
poking of the eye incident to get rid of you after he had used you for sex,
if it was really in that order (or have I mis-interpreted what you said).
You said "hang out as mates?" Mates that have casual sex, when
he feels like it?
You said "he said he was confused" I bet you were confused as
well, but I bet you were not acting like an idiot.
You said "alarm bells went off in his head when I got so cross when
he asked me to leave that night" Oh, so you got cross with him, as
well. If this had happened to me on a date, I would have put it down as a
bad experience and not bothered to contact the woman again. First
impressions last and the first impressions were bad in this case. You
don't keep someone dangling and say you are confused and try and get back
with them, it is just too indecisive. The fact he is indecisive at an early
stage shows that it is not going to work out long term.
You said "A week later he texted me 3 times" About the time
when he was getting desperate for sex again?
You said "seems a bit of a mess" If it's messy now, it is
always going to be a mess.
You said "He is not treating me like a mate or like a sex buddy
either." So what benefit do you see in continuing the relationship?
Virtually everything you said about him has been negative. I think your
friends are right, forget about him.
Elocks reply on 28.10.2005
Hi thanks for your
comments. I need to clarify some points, not that it makes a difference
really. We had sex, was really lovely etc, then he said he needed to
sleep and I was going to stay. I then continued to act playful and he was
not that into it as he was tired and wanted to sleep and as he reached
towards me I was reaching towards him and knocked him in the eye with my
elbow. Then, he said I dont think im gonna be able to get any sleep like
this. I said do you want me to go and he said he had a spare room, or did
i want him to drive me home, but I was a bit rejected and said no I would
go and huffed about and put on my clothes in a big huff. I returned to
say goodbye and was calm and kissed him gently. Also, I apologized
several times and kissed his eye etc. He has not apologized for sending
me away though. The sex cmae first , then the poke in the eye, then the
cross feelongs from him then me.
Also, I'd like to add
that he seems like a genuine lovely man etc but we just had an
unfortunate beginning, with me chopping and changing my mind. I shtere
any way I can change it around. I do feel we are compatible and there is
also chemistry as well , which is rare for there to be both? Or am I
fooling myself and this can not be turned around?
Sam's Reply
Elocks
Ah that is not as bad as I thought then. The incident came after the sex.
Again I must point out that whenever you hit some in the eye, whether it
be playful, accidental or on purpose, it is going to put them on the
defensive or make them a bit angry. It is simply human instinct (natural
reaction for a man or a woman).
You said "he was tired and wanted to sleep" I hear women saying
lots that they get frustrated when men go to sleep straight after sex.
The fact is that a man has just burned up so much energy, you would find
it difficult not to sleep. If he really has put his full energy into sex,
his muscles will be aching (even if he is a top athlete), some of his
internal organs will be pretty worn out and one particular external organ
will be particularly worn out. Even if the woman was on top and doing all
the physical work, a man's body is still pumping blood at a much faster
rate (mainly to supply the blood to that organ down below).
I am not trying to say that women just lay there and do nothing, but the
physical energy that a man's body burns up, is going to be greater than
that of a woman. It is therefore enough to make a man, both tired and as
a result a bit moody as well. Therefore if he is tired and not in the
mood, don't wind him up. A man needs his sleep to regain his physical
strength, never try to disturb a man's sleep (believe me he will be as
grumpy as hell).
You said "huffed about and put on my clothes in a big huff."
Men hate huffy attitudes, the fact that he was tired would have made your
huffy attitude even more annoying. Because when a man's tired he has an
inability to humour anyone and work you out of your huffy attitude. Men
sometimes laugh at a woman's attitude, because it is quite entertaining
at the right time. But done at the wrong time, it makes women look like a
spoilt brat, that wants their own way all the time. (That's what a man
will be thinking, but of course he wouldn't dare say what he is thinking,
because then the woman would get even worse).
You said "He has not apologized for sending me away though" By
apologising he would bring an unpleasant situation back into both your
minds. He would also be apologising for something he wasn't sorry about.
The fact is he wanted some sleep, the only way for him to get some sleep
was to ask you to leave. A man would just want to forget about it and
move on, not bring the issue up and potentially start an argument.
You said "had an unfortunate beginning, with me chopping and
changing my mind" You were obviously chopping and changing your mind
for a reason. So in the back of your mind you are not sure about this
guy. If your mind is unsure then I believe it is not going to work out
long term.
You said "Or am I fooling myself and this can not be turned
around?" From a man's point of view, I think he would have probably
been thinking like this:
You poke him in the eye.
I want some sleep, I am tired, she is going to have to go home, otherwise
I am going to get more annoyed with her. She won't be able to resist
messing about for the next few hours. So I am not going to get any sleep.
Next morning comes, he thinks that was very embarrassing, I did not
handle it well because I was tired, what will she think. I feel guilty
about having sex with her and then telling her to go home. She was a nice
enough woman. I really enjoyed the sex and really enjoyed her company
before the sex took place. But I am so embarrassed, I don't want to
really see this woman again because I know she is going to bring that
issue up all the time. I don't want to constantly be reminded of that
incident but she is likely to remind me every time she is in a mood with
me. Her huffy attitude when I asked her to leave, really annoyed me and
creeped me out, and reminded me of my ex-wife.
A week later: I am desperate for sex and desperate for a woman's company.
That lady from last week really did seem like the one for me. I don't
know why I shunned her. Then the incident will go through his mind again.
He will try to convince himself it was not that bad. I think I will
contact her and try my luck. I don't really want to go through that
incident again but maybe it was just a bad week. I am desperate for sex
and a woman's company so it's either this lady or find someone else.
Maybe I am wrong and he is not thinking this way. But it seems from the
series of events that this is most likely what he is thinking. And you
can pick up from what I am saying above, is that he is totally confused,
more focused on sex and having the company of a woman, than focused on a
long lasting relationship, where you live happy ever after.
Of course you are in the situation and actually experiencing this
situation and not all men are the same. I only tell women on this site
what I think the majority of men think. So ultimately it is up to you. I
personally think your friends are right "Move on and forget about
him". I
If the poking of the eye incident had happened a few months into the
relationship then things would have probably worked out. So early in
relationship, has really spoilt it in this case. But it has happened now
(fate), and it wasn't meant to be.
Elocks reply on 30.10.05
Hi thanks for your
comments, i would like to give you an update on the situation and how you
have helped a lot. I have not heard from him since my reply to his text
last tuesday (5days ago) and I have not contacted him and plan to
continue to give him space until he texts again (which im sure he will -
its only time)my question is this : I feel this can be turned around
especially givn that he texts me again, how should I respond to his texts
to not appear desperate for him and to draw him close to me again, if he
doesnt actually ask for a date but just sends general hi how are ya, hope
youre weel, type texts??? Thanks.
Elocks further reply on
31.10.05
Hi, i wanted to update you
on the situation, as it has changed again. I decided to take everyones
(including yours) advice and comments on board and move on. However, I do
want to be friends with him as when we were just friends we got on the
best and had the best time together. So, I sent him a text and left a
voicemail saying would he like to come and have coffee with me, and I got
no response, so i left another voicemail the next day saying, i'd really
like a text from him just to say either we can be friends and he would like
to be invited for coffee again, or he would like to be left alone and not
be conracted from me again, just a quick texty to let me know. I left
this message in a nice, easy, friendly way, and it sounded better than it
does here. I felt ok , not pushy or demanding , as it probrably sounds.
Anyway, 1 minute after i left that voice message he sent me a text saying
, Sorry Karen, speak later, x. So I felt better about leaving that
message. I replied saying thanks, its not heavy, just want to know if i
have a friend or if you dont want to know me at all. He sent another text
saying he has just been busy, been away for the weekend and he does want
to be friends and he will call me later if hes not too tired. My question
is; do you think he is just saying this because i texted twice and left 2
messages for him?
Sam's Reply
You said "He sent
another text saying he has just been busy" Men can get busy and
unlike women we can't focus on two things at once. In the past I have
blanked women because I was just too busy to devote any time to a
relationship. Women are a very heavy burden on your time and require a
lot of devoted attention.
So if he has got an important promotion coming up which will increase his
wages, women become second priority at that point. He will be thinking,
you only get one chance at the promotion, but there are plenty of women
out there and plenty of time to find those women.
Of course this is just one instance where a man has more important things
to do. There are many other examples where relationships will be put on
the back burner with men. Men don't give relationships as higher priority
as women. That's not to say they won't eventually give a relationship
high priority, it is just he needs time to dedicate himself to the
relationship with no other distractions.
You said "do you think he is just saying this because i texted twice
and left 2 messages for him?" No I wouldn't say so. If he did not
want you to text him, he would not have replied or would have replied
saying don't text me again.
Or maybe he did not know what to say or what to do, or what you meant
after the first text. But after the second text, it made it easier for
him to answer. Or maybe he just did not want to get too serious again. In
your second text you diffused the relationship possibility, so that
stopped him from thinking you maybe stalking him. That's a lot of
possibilities and you could take your pick between those options. But in
general if he did not want to know you, he would have either told you, or
not bothered to text you again.
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