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sindy on 10/11/2006
I have been divorced now for more
than 15 years. I raised one son on my own and really dedicated my time
towards him. He is now older and at university.
You should be proud of yourself,
because that must be a really difficult task.
I realise how lonely it is at home
now and would love to meet someone with whom I can spend some time with.
I miss the affection now more than ever. I feel myself envying couples
together when I go out. Although, I do socialise at least once or twice a
week, and go to places to meet others, and have infact built up a good
strong friendship with both males and females, I dont get any positive
vibes from any of the single males.
Maybe because you have lost the
ability to be able to tell whether males fancy you, you may have lost the
ability to flirt and you may look like and feel like your not
relationship material.
I always get glancing looks of
admiration from them, and they seem to find me attractive but that is
where it all ends. I do not appear desparate in fact very much the opposite
in fact. (which is something I do to make myself look to others that I am
coping well alone)
I think even though you don't look
desperate, that once men know your single, they are always going to
perceive that you are desperate anyway. Men's perception is that
women always strive to find a man, even when they aren't showing any
signs of effort.
This is something that I can't seem
to lose, my independant ways and attitude. Probably learnt from bringing
up my son on my own for all of those years.
Yes, you will struggle to cope
with losing your independant way of living, but you will also struggle to
cope with your lack of companionship, so you have got to choose which
option you want.
Do you have any tips on how I can
break down the barriers I no doubt am holding up. How can I let someone
into my heart again.
You've got to do it slowly and get
to know a bloke as friends first, which you seem to be doing already with
your visits to the pub. Nevertheless you may need to change the way
you are appearing to other blokes and I will explain that below.
How can I let them know that I am
available and would love to have a steady boyfriend/relationship. Any
good advice for me?
I am guessing your probably in
your 40's, so all my suggestions are based on a divorced woman in her
40's. Sorry about the constant references of being old, it's just
that I'm fairly young and the indication I get from other men, is that
any women over 40 are considered old, even if they don't feel or look
old.
It is very difficult for a woman
your age to find a man, but it's definitely not impossible if you are
determined and know what your doing. There are several things that
are against you and these things you have to overcome.
Men typically don't like to get
involved in a long term relationship with married women, divorced
women, women with children, women that are older than
40. Single, attractive men that are looking for a long term
relationship and are older than 40 are typically in short
supply. By the age of 40, you would expect less men to be
available for relationships.
- If a
bloke has been single most of his life, then he will be used to
being independant and probably won't be looking for a long term
relationship and would find it very difficult to adapt to having a
relationship.
- There
are several categories of men that have been divorced. Some
blokes will miss marriage, sex and companionship so much they
will try to find a woman straight away to fill that void in their
life. Usually these are guys with plenty of money and plenty
of pride and the ability to bounce back easily from a traumatic
divorce. And will even consider getting married again, if they
can find the right woman.
- Most
men however, will likely have given up on any thought of getting
married again. It's a bit cruel to say this, but this is what
the few men I know that are divorced think. His first wife has
probably treated him like crap and has ripped 50% of his income off
him (these thoughts often occur, even if it was his fault the
relationship didn't work). Therefore he doesn't want another
wife who is going to rip the other 50% of his income off him, if he
gets divorced again. Of course begruding money to the ex wife
will depend on whether he has children, usually when a bloke has
children, he will want them to grow up with a good standard of
living, so that usually offsets the bitterness. Men typically
don't express the disappointment at being divorced, they just tend
to say to their friends "thank goodness I've got rid of
her". In reality though they will seriously miss
being married, will seriously miss a woman's company and will
certainly be depressed about it and indeed will have their pride
taken away from them because a lot of what they earn is going to be
taken off them, as well as a relationship that they built up being
taken from them. It means that he is at a
disadavantage when trying to find another women to be with, because
women want financial security and a man's pride and financial
security gets lost after the divorce from his first marriage.
- The
younger man, is very difficult to capture but certainly not
impossible. Younger men want sexually productive women, that
they can have a family with, women in the 40's are usually starting
to get past that stage both mentally and
physically. Young women want physically attractive
women and typically don't go for an older woman because they want a
physical, sexual relationship.
If you take in the above points
and work your way around them, you can find your man. If you can
find the men that are lonely and divorced and actively looking for a new
woman as soon as possible that is usually the easiest route. So
where do you find these guys, well dating web sites is where you will
find a good concentration of these type of men. Women are typically
outnumbered by men on these web sites, it's much easier for a woman to open
a conversation with a man, than vice versa, because women tend to be more
obstructive, fussy and cautious in starting a conversation with
a man. And you know these guys are actively seeking a woman and are
divorced, because they are on the web site and usually it states they are
divorced. Do you get the wrong type of man on these web site?
That I don't know (because naturally I have no experience of dating men
from these web sites). A good, cheap web site to look at is www.girlsdateforfree.com but there are plenty of others. A new
web site that I've just come across while researching is: http://www.datingforparents.com (It's
a new web site so I'm not sure how many potential matches you'll find,
but I'm sure if you search on google you will find plenty of other dating
services that are targeted at divorced parents).
It's difficult to say how to find
these type of men otherwise because it's difficult to tell whether guys
fall into this category when you walk past them in the street. The
only other place you might identify this type of guy is in a supermarket
by checking out what type of things he is buying. Does he have a
family sized shopping trolley or has he got a bachelor trolley, filled
with bachelor goods. This indeed is where you identify the guys
that have been forever single as well.
So, do you want to be with the
guys that have been single, unmarried forever. You have a much more
difficult job of getting a long term relationship from these guys.
There's obviously a reason why they haven't married, whether it's because
they are gay or because they aren't that attractive to women, or whether
they are just reluctant to have any long term relationships. Whatever
the case they will be more comfortable being single and independant or in
a short term relationship, more than anything else. At first it may
seem like a match made in heaven, but as things get more serious, he
might get scared about losing his independance.
The guys that have had a difficult
first marriage and are now divorced and reluctant to get married
again. These men are very difficult to get a long term relationship
out of. To them all women are the enemy, particularly if they want
a long term relationship. It may seem like they are keen at
first. But as soon as things start to get serious, the alarm bells
start ringing in their head, back off, remember the last disastrous
marriage. They have had a massively dreadful time with their
ex-wife and really can't contemplate going through the same thing with
another woman. Obviously before they got married the first time,
things were probably brilliant and they fell in love with their ex wife,
then when they got married things started to go downhill, do they want to
go through that rollercoaster of highs and lows again, No. They do
want the sex, they do want a bit of companionship, but long term
relationships are just too scary. I tend to find that these guys
hang out in pubs, like some of my older friends that are divorced.
They are with their friends to cushion the blow of being divorced, their
friends become their companion and alcohol becomes a way of drowning
their sorrows. If you go for this type of guy you have to be
obviously cautious, but you tend to find them in the "Men's type
pubs" (not family pubs or teenager type pubs). This is
typically where you find the forever single type guys as well.
Do you want to go for the younger
man? Well it will certainly be a challenge, but I know one of my
friends that is happily dating a woman 15 years older than him, she was
divorced twice and with children from both marriages. So it is
possible to find the young men. But whether you would be interested
in young men, I don't know, it will certainly be a challenge to find one
that wants a long term relationship. Most just want the experience
of having sex with an older, more experienced woman. My friend
however who has been going out with this lady for over a year now, has
got hooked on her. It started off with him just using her for sex,
then he kept going back for more, now I think he is very attached with
her, emotionally. He has even been on holiday with her and her
children. The longer you know a woman for, the more you would miss
not being with her, and I think that is what has happened to him.
Whether their relationship can last long term I don't know, but it has
certainly lasted longer than I expected. The deciding factor in his
case, was that he has experienced a lot of problems in his past
relationships with women of his age. He has had some manipulative
girlfriends and then his last girlfriend was both manipulative,
demanding and violent. I think this has kind of pushed him
into looking at an alternative, maturer type woman.
I've got to admit, there are some
older women that attract my attention. Typically I would not even
consider going out with an older woman, I tend to go for someone exactly
my age or up to 8 years younger. But there are some very attractive
older women, and some women that don't actually look their age. My
usual thoughts, though are these women will be married and/or have kids
so it wouldn't be appropriate to get involved with them, that is usually
my final instincts. It is your job to demonstrate that you are no
longer married and you haven't got dependant kids and that your ready for
a relationship, of course you have to demonstrate those things
tactfully.
Where do younger men hang out?
Well you know the typical places, nightclubs and pubs. Though be
careful you don't look out of place in these sort of places. Most
pubs and nightclubs now attract a wide age group on Friday and Saturday
nights. Though typically the nightclub and pub goer is only
interested in a short term relationship and sex, their sex drive is even
more exaggerated by the fact they are tanked up on alcohol.
This brings me to the point of
you, making yourself attractive to other men. You have to stop
looking like someones mother, you have to stop looking like someones
wife, you have to stop acting like your not interested in men. To
do that you need to get your hair sorted and dress in the right clothes
and flirt with men. You need to practice at all these. You
need to find places where your can meet your type of man. You have
to be determined but not desperate. The only way you are going to
be able to practice all these things, is to get in their and do things
that are necessary on a regular basis, the more you do what is necessary,
the more likely you are to strike gold.
I've got to say at your age, hair
is the most important thing. When I look at the difference between
an attractive and unattractive 40 year old, it is usually because the
attractive one has nice healthy looking hair, the unattractive one looks
like she hasn't made much effort with her hair for years.
Women's hair is a good indication of what her hygiene is like in other
areas of her body and that's why men probably see it as such an
attractive part of a woman's body. (Actually I am not that sure that
men conciously know that it's a woman's hair, that makes them look so
attractive). The difference can be explained when I'm walking about
in a supermarket (I don't really go around the supermarket to check out
women, they just seem to have a habit of distracting me when
I'm shopping). I'm doing my shopping and all of a sudden an
absolutely stunning woman walks past, when she turns round I find it's a
woman in her 40's with really nice hair and nice body. Whilst I
wouldn't normally find her attractive, seeing her hair from a distance,
made me think she was young and sexy, once I saw her face she was old and
sexy instead. So don't underestimate the power of nice hair.
The next thing, is what a woman
wears. You don't want to look like a mother or an old woman, you
want to look sexy. You want a guy to look at you and think, she may
be old but she has a really fit body and really looks after
herself. OK, so don't go over the top and start wearing teenager
outfits, like crop tops and stuff like that, because that makes you look
like a tart. What you should do is realise what the best parts of
your body are. Is it your butt, is it your boobs, is it your
waistline, is it your face, is it your hair. You have then got to
attract a blokes attention to those parts of your body. The clothes
you wear have got to be sexy, but also appropriate for someone your
age. A good idea is to get some friends (male or
female) opinions of your outfits. Invite them round for you to
do a fashion show. They will give you an indication of what clothes
suit you, what are the best parts of your body, what parts you need to
hide etc. Or you could use my "What to Wear"
service on my web site.
When I see older women out and
about. I look at women and think she is a mother, she is a single
mother, she is a housewife and then all of a sudden you catch the single
looking women that are wearing something sexy (they may not be single but
they look sexy and look as though they want to attract a man).
Sometimes it is just a brief glimpse of the top of a woman's sexy
underwear, other times it is the brief glimpse of a woman's bust line or
bra. Nevertheless I don't go out expecting to see this sort of
thing, I just get distracted by these sort of things while I'm out.
Maybe it's women accidently exposing these things, maybe they are doing
it deliberately to tease me. Regardless of what option it is, it
gets my hormones going and brings sexual attraction into my mind about
those women. Ask me if I get any sexual attraction feelings about
women that walk past wearing average outfits, then I don't notice or even
think sexual things about them. So basically what I'm saying is
dress sexual and he will think of you as available and sexually
attractive.
Another thing that tends to happen
with older women, that really turns a man on, is touching or
brushing. Again I'm out shopping, I not paying the slightest bit of
attention to anybody else, I just want to buy what I need and get the
hell out of there (like men do). Then all of a sudden as I'm looking
at something on the shelf, a woman brushes her boobs against me or gets
up real close to me and grabs something off the shelf or exposes her
cleavage by leaning across me, or asks if I can grab a tin off the shelf
for her. Again I didn't see her in any sexual way and didn't even
notice her, then she goes and turns me on by doing one of the above
things.
Last important thing, is look
happy, smile, be relaxed and confident. Pretend your not going out
to attract men, your just out to relax. Men are not interested in
unhappy, miserable women, particularly if they are old. What you
need to do is demonstrate that you are comfortable with your age and that
you are happy.
The key things to remember is
there are plenty of divorced men nowadays, though some of them will take
a lot of convincing. You have got to get out there and find men
that you like and practice getting to know them. The more men you
get to know the more likely you will find the right guy. You've got
to look sexy to attract someone and make yourself look available for a
relationship. You've got to learn to flirt with men again, flirting
turns men on, and gets them to think about you sexually. With
younger women I advise them not to advertise themselves too much
sexually, because they are naturally sexy because they are young (because
then they attract lads that are only interested in sex). With older
women they have got to advertise themselves sexually as much possible,
because men forget that women that age can be sexual until sexy older
women remind them. Once you get across to them that you are still
sexual, then you can start to work on getting him into a long term
relationship. So basically I telling you to go out there
and practice meeting men, get to know plenty of men, even if it's
just on a friendship basis at first, then you will find a man for you if
you persist at it. You always need to get to know a bloke as a
friend first before you know whether he is compatible with you in the
long term, so just do it, get out there and find your man.
Click
here to Ask Sam some questions
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