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willow on 01/04/2006
I'm in a very tricky situation at the
moment and I'm not too sure how to deal with it. I've been with my
present partner for 12 years and we live together. For the last 6 months
we've been having relationship problems - all the passion has gone from
the relationship and we're more like bro and sister.
After 12 years of being with someone, the
novelty does tend to wear out of a relationship. Where it should be
good is that you feel comfortable together doing things, that you both
enjoy doing. Women tend to be the first to get bored when the
relationship reaches a mature stage. Women still want the kissing,
hugging and passion and men lose the will to give that back after so long
together.
Men tend to relax back in the security of
having a partner and don't really realise that the woman stills wants a
bit of passion and excitement. The good men will continue to make
the relationship exciting for the women and will constantly bring new
things to a relationship. Or with some women, women just want
security and a bit of enjoyment travelling the world, whatever it is the
man should be providing that for the woman.
This man obviously isn't satisfying you
and you need to make him aware of that. You need to do it in a
tactical way, or even try to make the relationship more exciting yourself
by being different sexually. Try to spice him up and kick him into
life again.
Three months ago a new younger male
started working at my workplace. He's 8 years younger than me [ 23 ],
very charming, witty and we have loads in common - he's a breath of fresh
air to be around. For the last month he's been flirting with me, staring
at me across the desk, sending me emails for attention and texting me
silly things on my mobile. He's asked me out for a drink twice but I
declined as I'm still in a relationship and didn't want to confuse things
even more.
I don't think you were really wrong in
declining him, especially if you were not sure about him at that
stage. The fact is, if you don't really want to lose the guy your
living with, then you should not be taking the risk by going out with
someone else. I think 6 months of things going badly in a 12 year
relationship is not that the end. Something could easily
re-juvenate your relationship. Maybe going away to a romantic destination
or spending more time having fun with each other.
To actually move from a relationship, you
have to be completely sure that you want to move on. It is no good
just getting tempted when some better offer turns up. Because you
haven't spent 12 years with that better offer and you could end up only
going out with them for weeks and months and then you will be left
without a boyfriend and without you long term 12 year relationship.
So you have got to think and make a decision, is this 12 year relationship
definitely over, only you can answer that. If it is, then you
should definitely move on and find a new guy.
Last week I was so fed up with him
'playing with my head' that I called his bluff and asked if he'd fancy
going for a drink - thought it would be good to talk things through.
Unfortunately his answer gave me mixed messages - ' he's just started
seeing someone else where we work/didn't think it would be a good idea to
meet up as I was already in a long term relationship but that he loved me
to death thought we really clicked etc. & that we should see where it
goes from here.
He's keeping his options open. It
sounds like you really get on well. But the fact is, he had every
right to find someone else because you turned him down twice. He
obviously is still fond of you in some way, so he hasn't ruled out being
with you long term.
I'm finding it virtually impossible to
concentrate in work [ I'm scared of losing my job] and unfortunately I
spend most of the day sitting looking at the back of his head as he sits
opposite me. I'm so confused emotionally that I actually started crying in
work yesterday which wasn't good. Please can you offer any advice!? He's
told me that although he likes the girl he's started seeing that they
don't have much in common!
If they don't have much in common, I see
little chance of the relationship lasting, so this guy should be coming
available again soon. It is good that he has refused to go out with
you while he is going out with this other woman. Because a lesser
man would have just two timed you both and picked the best option at the
end of it. Though that is not really possible since she has been
seen in work, so he will know that.
If you really do get on well, I think you
and he will eventually get together at some point, provided you are
certain you want to break up with your current guy of 12 years. You
just have to wait and be patient and see how his relationship with this
other woman works out. In the meantime think whether you really do
want to break up with your long term partner, that way if you've made
that decision, you will ready to devote yourself when this other guy does
become available again.
She keeps dropping in to the office to
visit him which is making things even more difficult to deal with! Help I
feel like screaming!!
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