There's a guy at work that i always thought was good looking but i never spoke to him as i never worked with him directly. Then about 6 months ago a friend of mine told a friend of his that i thought he was good looking and ever since then he laugh and joking with every one when im around where as before he wouldnt talk to any one.

Are you sure that word got to him about you fancying him and you are not just guessing that is why he's joking around you?

He was really quiet and shy. He is now great friends with my best friend in work.(who is married) he still barely talks to me unless i talk to him first.

Then you need to talk to him first, get to know him more, make him realise what he's missing by not talking to you.  Make him realise you are friendly and you welcome him approaching you as well. 

He always looking at me but looks away when i look at him back. 

You should hold the gaze for a while of someone you fancy, so by him not holding your gaze it demonstrates he either doesn't fancy you or he finds it too intimidating giving you eye contact.

And even if he is talking to some one else either his whole body or feet are pointing towards me so i do think he fancies me but why isnt he making more of an effort.

Shy guys do sometimes have a problem both with approaching women and believing that women fancy them, even when information has come from good sources.  So it is possible that he's waiting for you to approach him all the time and make some conversation.  Confidence around other guys is one thing and confidence with other women is a totally different thing.  

I'm very out going and the best looking in there (not being big headed) and i'm constantly laughing and joking with every one so he must see that as approachable but say that i can never talk to him much cause i fancy him .

Laughing and joking with everyone can be seen as intimidating and overpowering.  A guy is then left thinking, wow she is stronger than me, do I want to be with someone who is stronger than me.  It can take a guys confidence away from asking a woman out, because she's popular with everyone else and has this great sense of humour and he feels he has to exceed your expectations by being more funny and more popular, otherwise he thinks you will just ditch him after a few days.  In some cases women being funny, can also be irritating and seem over the top.  I think you need to get out of this thought that you can't talk to him because you fancy him.  And start approaching him, trying not to overpower him, just have some normal conversation and if he tells a joke, laugh at his jokes a little and flirt with him. 

any advice. he probably thinks i dont like him cause most of the time i cant look at him but i want to try and change this.

I think you need to keep approaching him and try and have some normal conversations.  Make him appreciate that you are not some super celebrity comdienne and that you enjoy having normal conversations with just him and you.  Maybe you have boosted his self-confidence, he does fancy you but really he's thinking I've got my self confidence now, I can use it on other women, because this woman in front of me is too attractive, too funny, too popular and will just ditch me after a few days, because I'm boring compared to all that.

Reply by buttercup 17.12.07

Im more confused than ever. Tried your advice last week of talking to the guy at work i fancy and although he still sneak looking, now when i ask him some thing about work he doesn't look at me at all. His  best friend def told him I fancy him and I just know he def fancies me but now he after completely recoiling . I know I probably messed up a few weeks ago when he kept try to make an effort to talk to me and i kinda brushed him off cause i didnt want him to know i fancied him.

Ah, now we are getting somewhere, you've been doing the "dumbing down" mistake that many women make.  Where that "dumbing down" idea comes from I don't know, it just seems bizarre to me that women think like that.  Pretending you don't fancy him because it makes you look desperate. So instead of risking looking desperate, you decide to look not interested instead.  The result, he thinks you are not interested.

Now I'm making the effort and although he answers me there is no eye contact and he seems mad at me although he has no reason to.

It seems to you that he has no reason to, but to him he will be thinking he has every reason to be mad at you, but not so much mad more depressed and humiliated.

For illustration purposes and to add a bit of humour, I will use a brick wall to explain what I mean :

"He raises the courage to talk to a brick wall, he knows he might look stupid talking to a brick wall but he decides to take the risk anyway, because he likes the brick wall so much he thinks it's worth the risk.  He's showing interest in the brick wall by talking to it, the brick wall does not react, does not move and does not say anything. The brick wall is unemotional, uncaring, boring and doesn't really have any interest in him whatsoever.  Eventually he realises that all the people around him have noticed him talking to this brick wall, that is humiliating and embarrassing.  Not only that but it's made him nervous, depleted his self confidence and made him look stupid talking to this brick wall.  He's completely and utterly depressed about the fact he has looked stupid in front of everyone by talking to the brick wall and actually being so stupid as to think a brick wall will show some interest in him or actually communicate with him". 

After your brush off, that will be the way he is feeling.  Of course he's going to have one extra feeling towards you that he couldn't possibly have got from the brick wall and that was the fact he will feel rejected by you, whereas a brick wall is just a brick wall so he won't have felt rejected, just thought he was going crazy talking to the brick wall. 

So now can you see why he is not so much mad at you, but more upset, rejected, confused and maybe mad at you as well. 

He won't look you in eye because that will make him emotional, it's a safety mechanism men have, if they are upset about something they don't look you in the eye, because he might either blurt out something emotional and spontaneous which will make him look weak or at worst burst into tears.  He won't want you to know he's upset or say openly he's mad with you because he will feel humiliated already.

The reason why you still see him looking over at you every now and then, is because he's thinking I still find her attractive, it's just a pity it wasn't meant to happen.  It's just like that moment where someone you know is moving to the opposite end of the world, as they are leaving you watch them disappear into the distance (maybe down the road in the car, walking down the airport terminal etc), you get emotional about it and think it's a pity I won't get to see them much anymore even though you really liked them.

Although I laugh and joke with people its not all the time and its not false or anything like that. I'm really confused at his behaviour please help me put it right.

I bet he is seriously confused at your behaviour too.  This is a classic example of the way women and men think differently and why so many perfect matches fail to happen.   Women really need to get these negative ideas out of their head about looking desperate and focus on more positive things.  I know it's probably a safety mechanism because a woman doesn't like to be rejected or something to that effect, but really you need to risk being rejected every now and then, if you want to find your ideal guy.

There are several things that you now know from approaching him.  The first thing you have worked out from it, is he was not happy with the way you had treated him, this is most likely because he fancied you.  The second thing is, if you had not bothered to try and make a conversation with him, he would have just carried on thinking you were definitely not interested in him and eventually would have convinced his mind you were not right for him anyway.

Instead now, he will go away, scratch his head, and think I'm confused, does she really like me after all, was she just having a bad day and that's why she gave me the brush off that day.   His sore head and depressed state will wear away and if you smile at him a few times from a distance and maybe try another conversation in a few days.  He will start the process of forgetting about that one bad day and think there has been more good days, than that one bad day we had a few weeks ago.

At least now you know the reason for this, is not because he doesn't fancy you but because you have signalled to him, that you are not interested in him and that has made him unhappy. 

Reply by buttercup 19.01.08

i mailed you a few weeks ago about this guy I liked and got advice from you which I followed and it's working. We are now talking more although it's still only friendly banter and slagging each other it's better than before. He goes red every time I talk to him

He's the very nervous type of guy and so he's going to find it very difficult to ask you out.  The bright red face is a sign that he really fancies you so much that it causes the blood to rush to his face, followed by an additional flow of nervous anxiousness which makes his face flush even more.

and he's over to our depart every 5 minutes and he's constantly looking to see who I'm talking or what I'm doing.

He wants to make sure you are not chatting up his competition.  He must also be missing seeing your face and probably hoping that he can find excuses to come into contact with you as much as possible.

I think he fancies me. I'm nearly sure he does cause he always smiling now aswell when he says some thing to me and I make sure I always smile back but then he blushes and runs off.

His blushing is probably giving him a disability because he feels conscious and embarrassed about it.  I think you need to try and relax him in some way.  I can't think of a way to do that though.  I suppose one way is if he's looking tense or nervous is to pretend punch him in the stomach if he's winding you up or make a story or a joke up where you are forced to pretend punch him the stomach.  The problem people have when they get nervous is they tend to breath from the chest instead of the stomach, by pretending punching him in the stomach (just tapping him) you can cause him to start breathing from the stomach which causes him to breath in through the stomach and stop him breathing from his chest.

He is single. My question is if you think he fancies me or not

Yes, he definitely fancies you, you don't blush for no reason at all. 

and if so what could I do now to move things along

Do you know any pubs that he goes to in his spare time? Alcohol in moderation can relax someone, if you can see him when he has had one or two drinks, then he might be more relaxed with you.  So go to some pubs that you know he goes to in his spare time with some of your friends and hopefully you might bump into him. 

The next best thing is bumping into him somewhere outside of work, really meeting with him at work is probably fuelling his nervousness, not only has he got to contend with you but he also has to contend with people watching him.  So where does he go for his lunch break, can you make sure you turn up there.  Even if you go there on your own and sit on your own, that will increase the chances of him going over to your table.

Reply by buttercup 23.01.08

Not good news on my co worker I fancy. During the week he was told he is being moved to a different office next week and though I will see him every few weeks I won't be seeing him every day any more

Does that mean a different town miles away? 

so my friend and I decided (my friend is good friends with him)she would tell him I would be going mad when he left. She said it casually. He said nothing, just looked at her and not a word.

Probably didn't know what to say, she didn't exactly ask him for a response.  All he could have really said was "Why will she be going mad?". 

So the following day I thought he might be all smiles instead he was in very bad humour and didnt talk to any one or me. Even though he kept looking at me and kept coming over he didnt say one word which being honest I was shocked. He was angry which I find very strange.

Aren't you missing something here?  He's been moved and didn't talk to anyone, so surely he's got nothing wrong with you, he's just sad that he's being moved to a different office.   And did you say anything to him and ask him what he thought about his move?

So I suppose thats the end of that cause I dont think he socialise much and I never see him in town

So how is that the end, is he still living in your town?  That doesn't stop him from going out with you.  If he was moving miles away and not seeing you for months, I can understand him not wanting to get involved with you.  Because he would get in a relationship then it would be time to move. 

Reply by buttercup 28.01.08

He was moved to a new office just a couple of miles away and guess who was sent to train him for the week?

That naughty buttercup? 

yes me..

So it's just the two of us for the week.

That's very cosy. 

We had such a laugh today, you think we were friends all our lives.

That's good, I told you, you were imagining his actions the other week. 

Now the problem is very early this morning when we first started work we got talking about a couple working with us who are dating and he said he does'nt know how anyone could go out as a couple and work to gether.

It could be his true feelings or it could be him trying to test your reaction to that. 

I said the couple in question are very immature and if dealt with properly and with matture people (i'm 32 and he's 29 ) it would'nt matter if you work to gether or not especially if ye worked in different offices.

Hint, hint, hint, laugh.

Now  you must remember we didn't reaaly talk much til today, some times it.s just hi and some times nothing. I told you this any way earlier. So I suppose my question is now that we got on so well today and we'll still be working to gether for rest of week , would a man change his mind about going out with some one he works with if he really fancied them and got on really well with , or would he ignore all that because he doesn't like going out with some one in work.

The more contact and the more enjoyment he gets from spending time with you, the more he will start to think I don't really give a toss about the effect on work, I really fancy her and can't do without her.

He is a very private person I know that

Reply by buttercup 16.02.08

Just read your message about getting advice and men wrong. I think you are brilliant and so right with your advice. Please don't give up this site. I think you are being to hard on your self. Ive read every one of your messages to people and there all exactly what I would have said.

Thank you for your comments, I think your comments will play an important part in my decision.  I think I need to check through my articles and see how many I've gone wrong in before deciding.  But certainly if there's not too many where I may have gone wrong, your comments will persuade me to continue with the site.

an update on my co worker: we chat all the time now , nothing happened yet but I think it will. Was working to day and he knew I was working as well and he was all dressed up but said he wasnt doing any thing. Im hoping it was for me ha.   When i was working with him a few weeks back he was slag me about this guy who he thought fancied me and now every time he sees me he keeps slag me about it and laugh.

He's testing you to see your reaction, to see if you let some words slip out that you really fancy him. 

Im hoping he is jealous although the guy was about 60 and he knew Id have interest in him, he keeps saying it. Also I gave him my number in case he needed to ask me any thing which he didn't use but I'm still hopeful and if nothing happens so be it.

Good idea, you have given him your number, now it's up to him to make up a reason for phoning you. 

So come on Sam we all need you and your brilliant advice. Don't give up, you are the best

Reply by buttercup 28.03.08

Mailing you for last couple of months about a guy I like at work. We talk all the time now although it's only all messing about slagging. I have a few questions I'd like your opinion on. He always talks about the week we worked to gether and the laugh we had

He wants to show that you both have something in common, that brilliant week you had together, that no-one else but you and him will know about. 

and he keeps ref to that old man he calls my boyfriend. (joking) why?

Not sure, don't really understand that bit. 

and if there is anything I could say the next time to let him kinda know I fancy him. Also yesterday in work his friend ask me in front of him would I go for dinner with him saturday night and I asked him again cause I thought I heard him wrong and I just laughed and never answered and then he asked me again would I? and I still said nothing, the words wouldn't come out of my mouth, I just smiled and walked away and as I did his friend was saying stop run away. All the time the guy I like was there could hear the whole conversation but he never said anything either. He never told his friend to be quiet or anything.I know he def likes me, no doubt about that. I'm just wondering do you think his friend picked up on something or do you think he asked him to say some thing to me.

I doubt he asked him to say something,  men don't bother with complicated games like that, that could backfire, particularly shy men.

I also know he is a private person so don't think he asked his friend to say some thing to me especially in front of me. He is also supposed to be shy with woman.Any advice would be great, and I'd love a mans take on it.

One thing that I advised another woman to do on my web site, is to manage to see him outside the work environment.  The thing that I suggested is to mention in conversation that you are eating out from work tomorrow, he asks where or why, and you said just for a change, I've got bored of pack lunch or something to that effect.  Then ask him in the flow of the conversation, he can come as well.  Then you've got his undivided attention, outside of work without the pressure of work and his work colleagues watching.  

Other opportunities are to say that there is an event on or something on at the cinema that you want to watch, or if he asks what you are doing at the weekend, say I don't know yet, I was hoping to go to the cinema.  It's all part of the conversation and you have to take the opportunity to say, you can come with me if you want.

Another method is slightly more risky and you have to be ready for touching.  And that is to accidentally touch him or brush him with whatever part of your body you want to.  He maybe embarrassed, he may even pull away, but you will immediately kick the sexual attraction part of his brain into gear. 

Reply by buttercup 26.07.08

wrote to u before about a guy at work whose driving me mad.We talk all the time in work when I do see him which is only once every 2 weeks. If I talk to him we talk for ages, flirt, body language good, and the way he looks at me I just no he fancies me, some times he speaks very low aswell why staring straight into my eyes.

Talking low shows a lack of confidence or nervousness when talking to you.  Judging by the length of time he's been talking to you, he should be completely relaxed and confident about talking to you. particularly if he only sees you as a friend.  Guys get nervous talking to women they fancy, they get nervous talking to women they've only just met but don't fancy, they don't get nervous when they are talking to people they've known for over a month and only consider friends.  So the fact he is still nervous to me demonstrates he's shy and demonstrates that he sees you as more than a friend.  

Although we talk for ages I still have to talk to him first, he only talks to me first if there is other people around to join in.

Again, classic sign.  He worships you but doesn't seem to realise that you like him.  So he thinks if I approach her on her own, she'll think I fancy her and she might get scared.  So he waits for you to approach him and make conversation or he talks to you amongst a crowd because then it doesn't look as though he's singling you out.  Whereas if he only saw you as a friend, he wouldn't be bothered and would just approach you, tell you about how his day is and ask you how you are and talk to you about women and all sorts of other things that friends would talk about.

The thing is a friend of mine told a friend of his that I like my guy and asked him to find out discreetly if he liked me. His friend the following day asked my friend in front of my guy to tell him what she had said to him the day before but she nearly died so she just walked away cause she does'nt really know my guy that well so she just started laugh.

He will think it's a bit of a joke and a girly game if she ran away laughing, sort of taking the mick out of him. 

So the following day she asked his friend what was going on and did he find out from him and he said he can't say she going to have to ask my guy which she won't do cause she does'nt no him. So she said to his friend it's ok he obviously has'nt any interest and he said he did'nt say that so she said well he just mus'nt like her that way in which he said I did'nt say that either. She asked his friend did he have my number and he said my guy did and she asked would he go out with some one from work and he said he would so my question is why won't he just say if he likes me or not so I can move on. His friend asks my friend all the time about me,  am I seeing any one, was I out for week end and he asks my friend how are the love birds getting on but when my friend says to him we have to step and set them up he says he is staying out of it and we can sort it out ourselves which we obviously can't.

It sounds to me like he fancies you and doesn't want to set you up, so he's making it as awkward as possible.

In my opinion, if you are going to tell people like this, then you might as well, just walk up to the person and say "do you want to go for a meal at the weekend?".  Because now, you've told two people already, so you really need an answer, you might as well get one direct from the actual guy and then if successful you can be pleased.  If unsuccessful, then yes, you might be upset for a few weeks, but at least you can then get on with your life and stop ruling out other guys that come into your life because you are dwelling on this one guy. 

Any advice Sam or just ur input. Will I just move on what do u think, sorry it's so long

In my opinion this has been going on for too long now.  All along, you've probably been ruling out other guys because you are dwelling on this one guy.  I think you now need to be direct towards him.  Find out once and for all whether he fancies you.  I don't think you can move on until you know either way, you'll try but you'll probably fail to move on.  Yes, it may end up in upset, but you may feel relieved as well, that you can know an answer and you can move on.  So my recommendation is to ask him if he wants to go for a meal at the weekend, or ask him if he fancies going to a gig, show or whatever you like doing.

Want to get the opinion of other ladies who visit this web site?  Try my new forum .