please help me with a problem I have with a man I have liked for well over a year.

I will start from the beginning... 12 months ago I met and became attracted to a person of authority at my son's school.  I never ever let on my feelings as I knew that his position could be jeapordised and i did not want to be responsible for him losing his job.

However, we became friends and each day my feelings for him grew.  I volunteered at the school and we were always running into each other.  As the year went on, it became evident to me that he was feeling the same about me.  The lady that is in charge of the volunteers pulled me aside one day and proceeded to tell me about the things he had been asking her about me.  Towards the end of the school year he was talking about me to her almost on a daily basis.

Trying to find out information, that's a clear sign that a guy is interested in you.  He wants to find out if you are available, whether you are likely to say yes and what your background is.

In addition to him finding things out about me - he was very sweet in the things he was saying to me.  Lots of compliments, checking me out when i am standing there talking to him, sent me an email for my birthday - after coming and seeing me on my brithday to wish me a happy brithday and have cake.  Even on a couple of occasions he would playfully hit me.

Again this just re-inforces the fact that he fancies you, he remembers your birthday and sends you a card, and playfully hitting you is a way of him getting to touch you without scaring you. 

The ladies I volunteer with say that in the last term of school (my son has left for high school now) this man became like a heat seeking missile with me!!!  Always making excuses to come and see me on my volunteer days and the final act of showing his feelings was trying to find me a job in a nearby school.  I had never once suggested to him that I was looking for a job because I already have a part time one and I am happy where I am.  I did go for the interview but was unsuccessful.   The ladies all said that he was trying to keep me nearby.

However, on my second last day at the school - the deputy principal called me into her office and gave me a lovely box of chocolates and a card to say thank you for all the work I had done over the years at the school.  It was lovely - we had a laugh over the things that had happened over the years.  Towards the end of the meeting though we got on to the subject of men.  She was telling me a story about how one of the students had started a rumour about her and a parent once, and how quickly it spread.  She then looked at me and said "as if I would do that - he is a parent - that is disgusting".

Very strange or a co-incidence that she brings up this topic.  Was she jealous and trying to put you off your guy, or was it just a co-incidence and she just happen to get on this topic of conversation.  Either way, it's irrelevant to your situation, you live your own life and have your own preferences, you don't let other people dictate your preferences.

I felt that she was warning me off the guy I liked.  Even though I had never said anything to anyone other the couple of girls i volunteered with - I am concerned that she has somehow found out how i feel about this man.

Does it really matter what she knows, what matters is what you think and what the guy thinks?

Now - to me - and to all of the ladies that I volunteeer with - that point is now moot because I am no longer at the school as my son is now in high school... so technically I am not a parent of the school.

It doesn't matter it's a none issue, if she was making that point, it makes no difference anyway, she's not part of your relationship.  She maybe competing for your man, but it sounds as though you might have a better chance.

Now - this conversation happened on the last thursday of school before christmas.  On the last day - I had expected to see him around as it was not only the last day of school for everyone - but myself and my son were leaving for good.  He was nowhere to be seen.  Is it possible that he made himself scarce because the deputy principal may have said something to him - and he was avoiding me?  All the girls I have volunteered with have been calling me to find out if I had heard from him.  They had all expected that he would have contacted me.

This sounds almost exactly the same as another situation of somebody that has contacted me.  I explain the reason why men don't like good byes clearly in this article: Here is a link: He didn't come and say goodbye

The lady in charge of the volunteers was surprised by this man's actions as she said that he was so interested in me.  What would be the reason for his absence on the last day?

I have explained a man's reasoning in the article above.

I have emailed him once over the holidays to his work email address.  However, as school does not go back until the end on the month I am unsure whether he has seen it or not.  My optimistic side says he is on holidays and busy with his kids from his previous marriage - but my negative side is starting to creep in.

Replying to work emails or even reading work emails is not a priority during holidays.  You have to wait until he gets back, leave it a week after he gets back, so he has had time to catch up on his emails and work, then send him one further email.

I am confused by this mans actions - is it likely that he is just biding his time like the ladies I volunteer with say?  Why did he avoid me on our last day?  If someone has said something to him - whether it be in jest or not - is it possible for my man to just turn off his emotions?  Surely though - the fact that I am no longer a parent at the school must count for something. 

I did not imagine his feelings towards me - neither did any of the girls I work with. 

As he was so keen - he would have weighed up the possiblity of someone finding out.  I am also guessing that he came to the conclusion that it was my last few weeks and that I would be leaving soon and we would be able to be together... that is why he was becoming so obvious as the last few weeks went on.  So, why has this not happened and why did he avoid me?  The boss of the volunteers says she has a feeling that he is just waiting for school to start back and for people that work there to see that i am no longer around - that way it will stop any silly rumours.

What do you think?

As is clearly indicated in the article above.  Men don't like saying goodbyes, they prefer to avoid the situation wherever possible.  Particularly in this situation where they maybe fancy a woman and they know they could easily see her again anyway.  I just think you need to be patient and wait until school has started back again, before you make any assumptions or send any further emails.

Reply by chickenlittle 15.01.08

thanks for your advice re the teacher at my sons previous school.

I read the other article and it was helpful - the only thing I still don't understand is that by him ignoring me on my last day - how does he think that this will not have hurt my feelings?  I can't help but feel used and humilated by his actions and to be faced with his silence is so very confusing for me.

Most guys have absolutely no perception of what hurts a woman.  They do not think like women at all, they only learn over the years what's right and wrong with women because women tend to teach them.  Even then they often don't understand why a woman would get upset by what he sees as just minor things, because he doesn't think in the same way as a woman does.  To a guy he will just think you are too busy saying goodbye to your female colleagues to be bothered about seeing him.  You've also got to remember that he may not know that you fancy him and therefore he probably thinks it would be irrelevant whether he is there. 

In the other article I explain the thoughts that will probably be going through his mind and many of those thoughts will make him scared of actually being there when you leave.  In fact he will think, he's more likely to do something wrong and destroy the chances of a relationship if he is there when you leave.  There is a picture painted that men are these big tough creatures.  When it comes to certain things it's true he is pretty strong, like sports, home improvements etc.  But there are strong points about women as well, like their social, emotional and caring abilities.  Those abilities scare a bloke and make him insecure, guys are not as strong at those things and that makes a man feel vulnerable and defenseless and want to avoid those situations.

If I ask you to read a manual and fix a car engine, ask you to do it and a man to do it.  You would probably be scared, you can't do it.  If I asked you and a guy to go to an event, talk a lot and display your emotions like a woman, the guy would be seriously scared, it's just not one of his talents.  Plus it would make him seem like a lesser and weaker man displaying his emotions in front of others.

I would never ignore someone - is that simply just the difference between men and women.  Or is it his way of telling me that he is not interested?

It's definitely not his way of saying he is not interested.  It has absolutely no bearing on a potential relationship whatsoever.  If you were in a relationship already and he didn't appear to say goodbye because you were leaving the country to go on holiday I would be concerned. He isn't in a relationship with you yet, he doesn't have to report to you and so really all he has done is laid low.

I am really struggling to understand how he can go from being like a heat seeking missile for the last few months and then be absent on the last day.

Because he was scared that he would do the wrong thing and scared of the situation overall and his brain would be making up excuses and convincing him that you wouldn't need him there anyway.  If he had done it, he probably would have been so nervous he would have been shaking with fear, just the anticipation of being in that situation is really nerve wracking.

Both yourself and the lady he went to to talk about me say that I need to wait a few weeks after school goes back before I can work out what is going on.  She said that he is in an awkward position and he needs to be seen to do the right thing - at this stage the right thing I suppose is for it to be seen that I am no longer around and then he can make his move if he is still interested.

I completely agree with her.  You need to wait and see.  If he doesn't respond then you can follow up with something else.

I just don't understand men at all - and that is why I am struggling to understand how he can be so cool about it.  It has been such a long 12 months!!!!  And like any female I HATE to wait!!! 

Men hate waiting as well, but if men push things too quickly with a woman it can equally destroy his chances with a woman. 

Thanks again for advice - I have saved you to my favourites as I really get alot out of your website.

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