I've been dating a guy for the last 8 months.  3 months into the relationship he gave me a necklace as a gift.  A couple of days later, he did something that I believed was offensive to me and it made me question his true intentions towards me.  I gave the necklace back.  A week later, we reconciled. Minus the necklace.

Was it really offensive or was it a misunderstanding? 

We have always both been cautious of telling each other how we feel as both of us have been badly hurt in the past and don't want to experience it again.  Therefore, what we say to each other is often guarded. 

5 months into the relationship, he said he might have to go away for work.  I was unhappy with this situation and decided that we should probably slow down on seeing each other.  A week later, we were back in each others full company again and couldn't stay away from each other.  He didn't go.

7 months into the relationship, he breaks the news that he is considering a new job in a new area that will require him to be away for 2 years at the most.  It is a career move that will enable him to come back to the area and be more qualified in his line of work.

The thing he has to do is balance up your relationship with his career.  A career is very important to a guy and he sees it as a way of giving him status and keeping any future woman happy, he wants to achieve something in life, but equally he might want a woman to share his life with and have his children which is also an achievement.  He will make a couple of judgements about the relationship, for example how advanced is the relationship. Well you have been on and off for 8 months, if it had been a few years maybe that would have stopped him going away. 

The other side of things is the relationship steady, in other words, has the relationship broken down at any point in the past and has the relationship had a few bust ups.  That will bring him to the conclusion of yes, I do want to be with her, but really I can't throw my career chance away because she hasn't proven beyond reasonable doubt that the relationship will last.  A career chance only comes around once, a woman, well there are plenty of other options, so for him to make the decision to stay with you, your relationship would have had to be 8 months, totally in love with each other, no breakups and no major arguments. 

I said that he should do what he had to do, as I would never want to hold him back, but all the same, I was not happy with this arrangement and could not see how I could carry on a relationship with someone who I rarely saw, for this long.  I told him we should probably end the relationship and for 3 weeks, we didn't have much contact with each other. 

Long distance relationships rarely work, particularly if it's in the early stages of a relationship and they are spending as long as two years away.  People change in that time and people meet other new people, when they return both people have often moved on and got used to life without the other person.  The best way for a relationship to work, is for the other partner to travel with the person, then you both live the adventure together and you will find out whether your relationship really is meant to last.  You might get home sick but at least you have given the relationship the maximum possible chance of succeeding. 

My birthday came and went in that time and I was hoping that he would give me back the necklace that he had given me months earlier. 

But why would he give you back your necklace, if you weren't seeing each other anymore?

He didn't.  Instead, he gave me a card where he wrote "You will always be in my heart.  All my love to you always."

It meant so much to me that he was thinking of me.

A couple of days before he left he tried very hard to contact me with continual phone calls that I kept ignoring.  I didnt' want to say goodbye you see.  I thought if he just left and I didn't have to see him, it would be easier for me.  I eventually spoke with him and we spent two wonderful last days together. 

He told me that he loves me and always has, doesn't want anyone else and doesn't want me to have anyone else.  He also produced the necklace that I had in my heart wanted back so dearly, although I had never asked for it back and he said in his big tough man voice, "here, this is for you, and if you ever throw it back at me again, that's it."

He supposed to come home every 3 months.

If he's coming home every 3 months, that is good because it allows you to still see each other and keep the relationship going to a certain extent.  The first visit back will give you a good idea of whether he has changed and whether the relationship is going anywhere. 

I don't know how I can withstand the wait.

Sometimes I think he might genuinely love me Sam and sometimes, I just don't know if I'm his girl on standby if all else fails.

You can't presume this, you must only come to this sort of conclusion if you have firm evidence.  Otherwise you will spend most of your life being paranoid and breaking your relationships because you have doubts about whether men are dedicated enough.   You haven't explained to me any reason to suggest he is your standby woman, in fact you have explained more to me, to demonstrate that he is willing to make several attempts to hold onto you.

Any thoughts on the matter Sam and how you think he might feel about me?

Obviously I don't know what he did to offend you.  But overall I get the feeling from what you said that he does genuinely love you.  The problem was he needs to extend his career and your relationship wasn't quite stable enough for him to think, I'll give up my career chances for her.  But the guy keeps making attempts to win you back, he's said some nice things about you.  If he wasn't genuine he would have given up by now.  I would have thought the best possible chance of you building a relationship was to go away with him.  But the key thing now is to see how things go on his 3 monthly visits, will he have completely changed and moved on from you, does he stay in touch with you at least once a week while he is away.  These are all crucial to the future of your relationship.  If you do want things to continue to happen, I think you have to stop putting up a wall in front of him, because it sounds to me, that you are more the one that is holding back the relationship and putting barriers up. 

Reply by in limbo 21.12.07

Just recently I wrote you about my boyfriend moving away for work purposes for 2 years and coming home at 3 monthly intervals for visits.

He and I have spoken about the possibility of me also being able to visit him between those 3 monthly home comings and I definitely would like to do that.

Good idea, did he suggest it or did you?

I was wondering if you would help me settle a priority dispute that I have with 3 of my female friends regarding this issue.

When I told them, all at individual times, all three of them said, "Make sure he pays for you to get there."

I was quite prepared to get there my own way and didn't mind spending the money to do that.  In fact, him paying for me hadn't even entered my mind at that stage.  I just want to be able to see him and will do whatever I have to.

If he offers to pay for you then don't even consider refusing it.  Just tell him that it is a nice gesture, thank you.  The fact that you hadn't even considered him paying for it is a good thing and if you are happy with that why bother thinking about anything else.  If you were poor, didn't work and couldn't afford it, then I would certainly find it very stupid for the guy not to pay.  In this day and age, women are independant, they go to work and earn money as well, so I don't see any reason why you should let it destroy your relationship if he doesn't pay for you to go out and see him.  The fact of the matter is when you get there, I expect him to take you out and pay.  If he pays for you to go over there, then he is likely to spend less money on you when you get over there.

Your relationship is not a matter of being able to buy you for money by paying your travel costs, it's a matter of him doing the right things for you when you get over there to see him.  It's about both of you enjoying the relationship. 

I'm in my 30's and I've never flown before Sam as I don't believe big metal things should leave the ground with me in them in case they crash, lol.

But I'm even prepared to risk that for him and will sweat it out.

That shows you want this relationship to work, when you do get over there you have to make sure you enjoy every your time over there and get to explore the place where he lives with him.

The girls said that "if he cared about me enough and wanted to see me badly enough, he would pay for me to get there."

Throwing money at a woman and caring, well if you were a prostitute and he threw money at you, would that mean he cared about you, I don't think so.  I think some women are lost in a world where they don't understand the difference between money and caring.  A man could be penniless and still care about a woman, he will do everything for her, but he probably wouldn't be able to throw her a load of money.  If you got over there and he spent very little on you or made you pay then I would be a bit more worried.

I said to those girls that if the shoe was on the other foot and "if I wanted to see him and wanted him to come back home, then he could just as easily turn around and say that I should pay for his travel expenses to get there and that if I cared enough, I would.

The crucial thing about this matter is it sounds as though you can afford it and that you don't mind paying, whatever your friends say, it's not an issue to you.  So just forget about it, all you need to concentrate on, is going over there and having a good time with him and experiencing his new home.  If you let money annoy you, it's going to spoil your relationship and it sounds as though you are more sensible than that and you are not letting money be an issue.

I said, "Then you'd all say, me included, that he was a tight wad who didn't care enough about me to make the effort to visit me of his own accord."

I said, "He's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't."

Your relationship is about the potential for love, not the potential for the other person to pay as much as possible to you, for various expenses.

Who needs to change their outlook Sam?

Me or them?

In my opinion you are quite right.  Maybe a few centuries ago, it would have been essential for the man to pay, because women did not have jobs.  Now we are in an age of sexual equality, where women have jobs and money.  If women want sexual equality in certain aspects they have to accept sexual equality in other aspects as well.  And that means paying her own way every now and then. 

When your friends turn up for first dates, do they say to the guy, right I've had to get a taxi fare here and I'm getting one back, so I expect you to pay for those.  I expect all my expenses to be covered by you on every date we go on otherwise I'm going to ditch you because you obviously don't care.

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