I knew I should have spoken to you first but I went ahead and acted anyway so hit me with your words of wisdom unless it’s already too late.

I’m 38, he’s 48.

I’ve known him for 3 years.

We’ve been together for 15 months.

We’ve lived together for 3 months.

We get on great.  I don’t doubt he loves me and I love him.

He was married for 20 something years and divorced.

He dated “V” for 4 – 6 years after that.

His dates and story about “V” vary from time to time.

I don't think guys particularly like talking about ex's to their current girlfriends.  There are details that guys like to leave out because they believe their current girlfriend won't like hearing those things.  So instead of lying they tend to avoid the subject, but when the subject comes up they tend to try to avoid certain facts.  A lot of the time though, it's just genuinely not remembering certain facts or saying them in a different way each time a woman asks.  Women always pick up on minor fact changes, when really they are just reading more into it than is really necessary (a guy is just wording it slightly differently).

“V” and him still contact each other.

He keeps a record of her birthday.

They text or call each other for birthdays.

He enquires about her children.

She recently invited him to see a horse training, that they once shared.

She invites him to do dinners with her children for landmarks in their lives such as music and graduations, etc.

I don’t like it.

Actually I'm not sure I'd be too keen about a girlfriend being friends with their Ex's.  Because I always believe if they've been together before they could be tempted to try again, whether as a one off sex session or a full re-union.  I always believe that a lot of women are still hooked on their Ex's even after they have got into other relationships. 

And I’ve told him so.

And now we’ve had a HUGE fight about it and it’s not our first.

He says they’re just friends.

I've never been able to stay friends with any woman I've been going out with, it always seems to end up in arguments or bad endings after a very short time.  So I have some skepticism about whether you can possibly be friends with someone you have been close to for a long time.  But then I don't have enough experiences of this sort of thing to be able to tell you.

I say there is no room for his ex-girlfriend or a third person in our life.

He says he has no feelings for her.

I challenged him to delete her number in that case.

That will be pointless, he wants to stay in contact with her for some reason, and whether he deletes her number from his phone, he's not going to let you stop him contacting her, he'll just find a different way of getting away with it.

He says he holds on to the number just in case his own daughter needs it.

That could be plausible, but really I think he wants to remain in contact with you.  His daughter will be very important to him and no doubt she will want her to be in contact with him.  And really if he's her father, he has every right to be in contact with her.  And indeed he will need to keep her mother sweet, in order to remain in contact with her.  So that could be more his motive. 

I told him his daughter was 20 years old and surely she could do that for herself.

In a way yes, his daughter could contact him direct, but what if something happens to her, then he would want to contact her mother, to find out what's wrong.

He said he would call her yesterday and tell her that she shouldn’t call anymore.

He said he would delete her phone number.

He came home from work.

I checked his phone.

He’d made a call to “V” that lasted 6 minutes.

“V’s” name was no longer in his phone address book.

But you see, experience has taught me to be a very suspicious person Sam.

I’ve learned not to trust anyone.

So when he was in bed asleep, I again took his phone to make sure he hadn’t renamed “V” as someone else.

And guess what Sam, “V” had the same number, but she had morphed into her sons name “J”.

I know her sons name because my guy often forgets what he tells me, where I have the memory of an elephant.

It's very predictable that he'd do this, because he wants to remain in contact with her and will do anything he can to do so.  You are not going to stop, whatever you do.  I find it hard to understand why, you'd go to the length of spying on him to this extent, simply because he was still phoning his Ex.  You've registered your displeasure now and that's all that is necessary, he obviously doesn't want to eradicate contact with her, so there's no point in fighting a losing battle.  All you need to watch out for is the sign of an affair and if you continue to hound him about this sort of thing, an affair is going to become more likely.  Because he'll just get fed up of the spying and the arguing. 

So I woke him up at 2am or 3am this morning.

Because I couldn’t rest until I got an outcome.

Gosh, you broke a man's sleep, it's a wonder he didn't give you a right a right mouth full for that. 

I asked him if he made the phone call.

He said he did.

I asked him if he deleted the number.

He said he did.

I asked him if he thought I was stupid enough to believe that.

I told him that I was quite prepared for him to be angry at me for checking his phone but this is how I knew he was lying about deleting the number.

He didn’t get angry, although he probably was.

I am slightly embarrassed to have admitted that I spied though.

But I’m at the stage that I’m beyond caring really.

I have now broken his trust.

That concerns me.

Yes, wouldn't it have been far better to just look at his phone and think he's deleted it now, so I have nothing to worry about.  That would have put your mind at rest and you wouldn't have know he'd change the numbers.

He told me he kept the number and just changed the name because the son was going to get in touch with him about some clothes my guy still kept at their place.....blah, blah, blah.  Things he has never separated Sam.

I asked him did he tell “V” to stop calling.

He said he did.

I asked him what he said to her.

He said that he told her he thought it was a bit silly but I was having a stupid jealous attack and it would be best if they didn’t call each other.

I was annoyed that he ridiculed me to her.

He was only being honest about his feelings to her.  That's what he saw it as "stupid jealous attack", and that's all any guy would see it as. 

She told him that she thought I was being a little silly.

She told him to reassure me that he and she were just friends.

But she would say that, wouldn’t she!!!!

Well not necessarily, if she didn't give a toss, she would have just said "she's a stupid bitch anyway just get rid of her".  But I think she actually wanted you to be reassured, if she really did say that.  She knows how a woman thinks and a woman likes to be reassured of things.

He also said that the guys at work think I’m over-reacting.

Now guys would think that, they think women in general over-react about most things. 

Because obviously he’s told them.

I said that I couldn’t find one of my girlfriends who said that they would put up with an ex-girlfriend in the picture.

Because obviously I’ve told them.

Touché.

Again, why not discuss it with your female friends, they can help you come to terms with things and give you someone to talk to about it, because obviously you it's making you unhappy.

He and I keep hitting an impasse.

I told him that he kept her in the background in case he and I didn’t work out.

I don't think it's wise putting ideas into his head.  Because he might think at this moment in time, this girlfriend's turning into a right nightmare, maybe that is a good option. 

He told me that his little brain didn’t even think like that.

I told him that he gets an ego boost out of it when she calls and that’s why he encourages her calls.

He says that I’m wrong and it’s because they’re just friends.

I asked him how he would like it if I brought an ex boyfriend into the picture.

He said it wouldn’t worry him.

Yes, the truth is guys have female friends and women should have male friends too.  Couples go out and meet other couples all the time, occasionally it ends up in people from one of the couples having affairs with each other.  But really you've remember, if a relationship is a happy one, and the other person is proving their worth, what is there to worry about?  All people with partners should be on their toes all the time and make sure their partner is enjoying their time with them.  As long as they are enjoying their time with each other, they are not going to divert outside their relationship.  So really you could lock yourself away in a house and remove all phones and have a really boring and tortuous life.  Or you can just trust the other person and concentrate on living a happy life together and go out and socialise with other people and let each other have their own friends and have their own space from time to time.

I said it should and that the only reason I would bring an ex-boyfriend into the picture is if I was contemplating screwing him.

You've given him some great facts there, if any of your ex-boyfriends do come back in the picture, he's going to be fairly certain you are screwing them.

He said if you don’t trust me then obviously we shouldn’t be together.

You are starting to get to the point where he's thinking you are not worth this nightmare anymore.  You really should cool down about this issue.  He wants to live his life and enjoy his life.  If you are not making it enjoyable for him, he's going to consider moving elsewhere.  I fear that if you go on too much about this issue then that's what he's going to decide.  What I recommend you do is try and just come to terms with the fact that all guys you are ever going to be with are going to come across women that tempt them all the time.  What you need to focus on, is making sure you give him the best possible time with you, then he has no reason to look elsewhere.  You are not going to do that by telling him he can't speak to any other woman in the world, that's simply no fun for a guy.

I told him it wasn’t really him I didn’t trust, it was her I didn’t trust.

To be honest, I wouldn't really trust either of them, but really you have got to believe that innocent until proven guilty.  Rather than going looking for a problem, I think you should presume there's no problem there unless proven otherwise. 

I told him that an ex-girlfriend sniffing around an ex’s new relationship means trouble.

From a woman's point of view, you will know what other women think like.  But I know from a man's point of view, that he doesn't see it that way.

He disagrees and says they are just friends and we met another impasse.

I told him that maybe I should call a few ex’s up and bring them into our life.

You are turning into a child now.  Starting to get vicious, manipulative and petty.  He's not going to be very impressed and it's likely to eat away at him.

He said if that’s what you want to do, then do it.

I’d asked him previously how he would feel if I did that and he said it wouldn’t worry him.

This morning I asked him how he would feel if we called on birthdays, sent text messages, made arrangements to do things together.

You really are pushing things too far.  He must be a very patient guy, if he hasn't walked away or lost his patience by now.

He said it wouldn’t worry him if my ex and I were just friends.

I understand his point Sam.

I am not blind and I can see his perspective of it if they are “just” friends and I realize that it is a harmless situation if that is the case.

But really, am I asking too much?

What are you asking?  For him to cut off all contact with his daughter and with his daughters mother.  Isn't that something you should have accepted when you got with him, he had previous relationships and was going to want to keep his ex sweet, in order to keep on the good side of his daughter.  You are trying to dictate and control his life.  When really you should be making yourself the most attractive woman to him, then he'd have no reason to go looking elsewhere.  If he were to cut contact with her, what next?  He's not allowed to phone any females at all on his phone and he's not allowed to be seen talking to any other females? 

My plan in life is certainly not to have to share my guy with his ex-girlfriend.

Friend or No Freaking Friend.

I’ve got ex’s who I’m bitter enemies with and I’ve got ex’s who I’m friends with.  The friendly ones say hi or wave when we pass each other on the street and that’s as far as we take it.

Do you have children with your Ex's? 

They don’t care what I’m doing and I don’t care what they’re doing.

And even if I did care, I wouldn’t call them up because I’m pretty sure their girlfriend wouldn’t like it.

But does she have another boyfriend? 

I told my guy that it was a silent protocol.

It went over the top of his head.

He wants to stay in contact with her for some reason, you can only speculate what that reason is, but whatever you say, he's going to find a way of doing what he wants to do, I think it's time you accepted that.

My real problem is trying to understand why he would want to keep contact with her if he was over her.

I tell him he can’t let go.

He says he’s over her and there is nothing to let go of as they are just friends.

Welcome to the next impasse.

The tension in the air is stifling at the moment Sam.  He’s not fighting with me, I’m fighting with him. 

Exactly, so why bother.  You are fighting yourself, because you feel insecure.  It's time you focused on your relationship and not someone else outside the relationship.  I've seen couples out, when I go to parties and to the pub.  They are flirting like mad with other men and women, because they find it fun, but at the end of the night, they go home with their partner (well as far as I know).

I can hardly look him in the eye because I feel like everyone thinks I’m the bad one and I feel that I am being misunderstood and that they are trying to take me for a fool. 

He says I’m not bad for feeling the way I do and that it’s just that I’ve taken it to the “nth” degree.

I do agree with him there.  He sums it up well. It's good that you've talked through your concerns with him and got them out in the open for your sake, but really you are taking it further and further and way beyond tolerable.  You are taking an issue and making it bigger and bigger, to the point where he really will start considering, is this woman just going to blow up in my face, do I need to get away now before she does break me into pieces.

It gives me no satisfaction to force him to stop communication with her. 

Exactly, so why bother. 

I would have felt much better if he had done it himself. But they’ve been split up for 3 years and since contact is still going on, I can see that that was never going to happen on its own.

And to keep it in perspective, contact is usually once every 2 – 3 months.

Once every 2-3 months, for goodness sake, that's nothing.  If you want to get back with someone contact them every day, not a couple of times a year.

How can he and I find peace again Sam when I don't want her in our life and when he doesn't think that her in our life is a problem?

I think you should start focusing on your relationship not on her.  You should focus on making yours and his life happy, then you are going to maximise the chance of you being together forever.  Get rid of these negative thoughts about other people in this life, he's only talking to her once every 2-3 months and the more you go on about it the more you might push them together.  Although I understand you being concerned about him being in contact with his ex-girlfriend, every 2-3 months is ridiculous and if he really wanted to be with her, why is he still with you.  It's extremely unlikely at that contact level that he wants to get back with her, to have undying love for someone you have to be in contact with them every few days.  Even though I find it unlikely they'll get back together, the more you whine at him about it, the more likely you will push them together or the more likely he'll think this woman's a nightmare she's spoiling my life and consuming our relationship through her jealousy, maybe it's time for me to find an alternative woman.  So just stop it, think about it and make your relationship happy, forgetting about other people that maybe on the periphery, if he was really bothered about them, he wouldn't be with you, he would be with them.  So get on with your life.

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