I'm now married and 43.  So it doesn't really involve my life so much now, except I may be running into this person again due to my hobby, tennis.

during my HS years, I played girls tennis.  I was a very good athlete and wasn't lacking in confidence.  However, I had to deal with an alcoholic father who was controlling and was never there for me.  I was uncertain about going out for tennis as I had other options.  so one day in study hall, as everyone was leaving, I walked up to the tennis coach (a man who was around 28 and I was 16) and asked him directly if he thought I had any chance of making the varsity tennis team. 

It's amazing how much detail you can remember from when you were 16. 

He didn't know me very well, only from freshman tennis the year before.  But he was open to my concerns and stood in front of me with a very relaxed and open stance and pretty much laid it out what I needed to do to get on the team.  the first thing he mentioned was my weight.  Mind you, I was not fat, just very athletically built for my age and being female. 

At that age women tend to have some puppy fat, I think it's a biological think and it usually goes within a few years.  I have seen something on a programme about teenage menstruation causing this puppy fat phenomenon, but my memory is pretty vague about it so I won't give anymore detail.

For some reason, I guess he thought I needed to lose weight, so he said how he'd help me lose the weight.  I really wasn't offended, more like shocked.  He then wrapped it up by smiling at me and walked off.

the next 3 years of HS, I was on varsity and played #1 doubles.

My coach and I developed a solid rapport.  He was very demanding of us and expected only the best.  I often felt as if I had gone out for boot camp instead of tennis.  But I thrived on his old school coaching style and loved the competition.  Unlike most of my team mates, I wasn't intimidated by him.  Maybe it was because I was a confident person and had what he called a "killer instinct?"  I also found that unlike my team mates, I could get him to laugh and loosen up a bit.  he was often shy and you could sense he was a very private person.  Yet when he was coaching, he was vocal and confident. 

anyway, I would note that when I was walking in the hallways at school, often he would notice me and smile.  Being a usual easy going person, i'd smile back and be on my way.  When we'd go to matches that required travel, we'd go in a van and I'd usually sit up in the front seat next to him.  I never liked sitting in the back, period.  Once in a while, we'd strike up a conversation about life, politics etc.  Getting him to divulge anything about his upbringing, likes, interests was like pulling teeth.  But I respected his obvious need for privacy. 

Men do have emotions but are taught not to express them.  Most men will tell you about superficial things, but will not go into too much detail about their upbringing, unless they really know and trust you.  Add to that, most men don't see that many women are interested in that sort of thing, so equally they don't see any reason to talk about it.  The fact that he was shy, maybe made it even more difficult, because shy guys find it difficult to think of things to say, they stammer and stutter and panic when trying to think of something to start a conversation. 

I think it was my soph. year, he had put all 6 of us girls in one room at a motel, meaning one bath room and one shower.  I was thinking, this sucks.  So before bed, I walked over and knocked on his room door and promptly asked him, "Hey coach, can I use your shower tomorrow morning after you're done using it?"  In all seriousness, I was just being selfish and wanted my own shower and hot water.  The look he gave me was priceless.  He had a grin from ear to ear and chuckled a bit.  He said sure.  The next morning, I opened our room door and he said I could use the shower now.  Then he looked at me with this look I hadn't seen from him before and started asking me questions about my appearance involving my eyes and my teeth (had a retainer in he hadn't seen before). 

You have just turned on the sexual attraction part of his brain and that has made him intrigued about what you are like personally. It has also relaxed him because you have asked to borrow his shower which is quite an intimate thing to do, so he feels relaxed enough to ask you things about your personal hygiene.  To be honest a lot of guys would be drooling at this point.  Teenage lady, in her prime, wants to go in my shower, his mind will be doing overtime, particularly on the sexy teenage body front.  Crucially though you have just worked out how to open a guy up and get him to relax and talk to you.  Men crave intimacy with ladies, but they are very guarded up until the point the woman demonstrates she doesn't mind some intimacy.  By asking to borrow his shower, that demonstrates intimacy to him.

I responded and thought nothing about it.  another instance, we were discussing our heritage and several of my team mates said they had German heritage etc, and I stated I had Irish heritage; which my coach also shared.  without any hesitation, he looked directly at me, smiled and said very confidently, almost as if he was pleased, "you look Irish." 

Guys like women that share something in common with their mothers, this similarity would have had the same effect on him as it had on you. 

that made me feel good as I am adopted and gave me a feeling of connection to my past.  It wasn't what he said in as much as how he said it to me compared to how he spoke to the other girls.

During our matches, he would often talk to us one on one about the competition and our strategy.  I think it helped us relax and concentrate better to be honest with you.  then he would often give us a cute pat on the head or back. 

It served several things, touching would have produced confidence in your sporting achievements.  That confident touch would have helped you perform on the tennis courts and also feel a bond with your coach, it may also have been his fatherely instincts.  A bond that would give you confidence in his abilities and therefore a confidence in your own abilities.   It could of course meant he was trying to awaken your sexual desires in him, but I'm not sure what age you are at this stage, ?18.

Didn't know what that was about, but because he did it to almost every girl on our team, I never took it personal. 

I think it was part of his coaching routine then, to create a bond between coach and the girls and give them confidence. 

But I started noticing that at times, he would compliment my partner when she did well, but not me.

and honestly, I was the stronger, more vocal and competitive player.  Once in a while, he'd take note of my competitive nature and ability to handle situations during a match that required assertiveness and decisiveness and make a comment during the match, but never directly to me.

I started to feel a real connection to him.  Now that I look back, I think he was truly a father figure for me. 

Because of your own father's neglect, you needed a decent father, that you felt fulfilled the role that your proper father should have done. 

I'm not sure if he understood that as well.  I'm sure he knew about my father's situation as I grew up in a small town; everyone knew.  But when I was around my coach, I felt grounded; he had this calming effect on me.  Do men generally know when they have this type of effect on a female? 

I think it's a man's instinct anyway, to father ladies that are much younger than them.  The difference is someone of those young ladies can sometimes turn on his sexual senses by doing certain provactive things.  I wouldn't be too confident in saying he knew your father's situation and was therefore nurturing you more than others.

And does difference in age make any difference?

You started off at the beginning of this message saying you were 16, so I guess you are about 18 or 19 at this stage.  If you were then he maybe starting to connect to from an attraction point of view.  Obviously as your coach he has to be more responsible.  But as you have grown up, you maybe have turned the attraction part of him on.

Looking back, I really do think that I had some type of attraction for him, but what it was exactly, I'm not sure. 

I seem to be getting that feeling from your message as well.  The fact is from the age of 14-19, ladies are at their most sexually productive and most sexually attractive to men.  Obviously as your coach and as someone older he had to have self restraint and the majority of men are capable of that self restraint, but the truth is the majority of men find women of these ages very attractive and if they say they don't they are probably lying.  

I didn't date in HS as most of my true friends were guys.  And my coach was married and had a beautiful little girl.  So I really don't think I looked at him in a sexual manner, but certainly felt a deep sense of caring for him and respect. 

The fact that he also had a child would mix up his feelings a bit as well.  His fatherly instincts would want to come out as well, but because you were not his biological daughter the potential for his sexual attraction feelings would also develop alongside his fatherly instincts. 

I would like to think that that is the same thing he felt for me.  But having read many of your replies regarding an older man and how he looks at a younger woman, I'm not sure now.

I think most men in this situation would be sexuall attracted to this very fertile, attractive, young lady, but most men would suppress that attraction and try their best not to show it or encourage the lady in any way.

What really threw me for a loop was that he knew how hard I took losing.  On several occasions, after a loss, he would ask my partner and me for our feelings/opinions about the match etc.

I always thought he wanted us to learn from our experience.

Both of my partners would always clam up and start crying.  they were totally intimidated by him.  I, on the other hand, looked him straight in the eyes and said why I was upset and how I felt I could have played better.  I never got emotional, but it was obvious I was  dejected. 

That was maybe a reflection on your relationship with your father.  In a way your father probably scared you far more than the fathers of your lady partners scared them.  You had dealt with far more emotionally fragile situations than these other young ladies and therefore this stress seemed like nothing for you to cope with, whereas with the other ladies they felt as though they were dealing with something more traumatic.  Essentially this was just something minor to you, because you have had worse things happen to you, whereas to these other ladies this was the worst thing that had happened to them.  It's about lifes experiences, working out how to deal with situations and working out what really counts and what is a really, really bad thing to happen.  

Each time I responded honestly and openly out of respect for him, he would give me this utter look of anger and make some irrational comment that came across as he was berating me and questioning my character; which really hurt because I knew I had very strong character and convictions and demonstrated them on a daily basis. 

Men don't like people disagreeing with them or answering back, they find it frustrating and confrontational.  I suppose women are just the same really.  If you ask for an opinion you want an opinion, if you don't ask for an opinion, you don't want someone to argue that you are wrong. 

After his outburst, I was at a loss and couldn't reply.  So I would just get up and go home, or get on the van for the long drive home.  He would never bring this scenario up again nor apologize to me for yelling at me, which I thought was highly unjustified.  The next day at practice, it would be like nothing had happened.  It confused the hell out of me.

A guy treats a new day, as a new day.  Women remember and will always remember every bad thing that a guy does and when she is seriously hacked off with him, she will reel through the list fluently and throw it at him.  To a guy he has an argument and then moves on, a new day is a new challenge.

On my last day of HS tennis, I wanted to say good bye and thank my coach for everything he done for me as a person and athlete.

I truly loved the guy for how much he helped me and gave me a chance when my father never did.  So I walked into the storage room where he was putting away the tennis equipment etc.  I could feel the tension big time.  I stood there patiently waiting for him to stop putting all the stuff away. 

Good idea, because if he's concentrating on something, he can't give you his full attention. 

It seemed like I stood there forever and I started sweating bullets.  I knew he realized I was there.  He would have had to have been blind not to see me.  I was standing only about 5 feet or so from him. 

He will have wanted to finish what he was doing, so he can concentrate his whole attention on what you were saying and then make him able to concentrate on replying back.  There may have also been a bit of avoidance there, wanting to avoid the emotional circumstance of saying goodbye.

Finally, he walked over to me and stood directly in front of me; probably closer than he had ever before.  I was nervous as hell, but started thanking him for all he had done for me etc.  As I was talking, I noticed he was standing very open to me and had this big, but natural smile totally beaming on his face.  I really looked into his eyes and I could swear they were shining.

When you are telling a guy that you've known for a while, how great he is and how much you appreciate him, he is very proud of that and will have been fairly emotional about saying goodbye to you.  You were an intimate part of his life and he probably would have wanted to stay an intimate part of your life.  Whether this was adoration for you as a father figure or adoration of you as someone who he was attracted to I don't know.  Nevertheless there would have been powerful emotions going on inside of him.

Had I known about fact that if someone likes you, their pupil's dilate, I would have checked for that. 

You have to look for a number of signs all together anyway, not just dilated pupils.

But I was only 17 and not very educated in the art of flirting and how to tell if a guy really likes you or not.  I just can recall how warm he came across and how when I shook his hand, I could feel the emotion between us.  I worked hard on not losing control of my emotions and finished the hand shake and walked out of that room.  I could sense his eyes on me as I left.  It was something I had never felt before at that age.

He didn't really want you walking away into the sunset and wanted to fix his eyes on you for every last moment.  He will have been proud that someone praised him in such a way, but will have also felt quite intimate about the fact you were brave enough to come and say this sort of thing to him.  Men crave this sort of admiration from women, but when they do have it, they try their best to hide their emotions.  I think in his case, he leaked his emotions in body language, by the glistening eyes and open body.

He gave us personalized pens for our HS graduation and wrote brief notes in each.  Everyone got the usual, "good luck in college.  enjoyed coaching you.  signed  JW.  My note was nothing like the others.  It basically said, "I will never coach another JD. take care. 

JW."  I hoped it was a compliment.  At the time, I wasn't sure.

It's definitely a compliment, it shows that he singled you out as someone special.  It  could of course signalled that you were an awkward bitch at times and that's why he'll never coach another like you, but it certainly does demonstrate that he liked you a lot.  I think he was just mesmerised by you and you made him feel so special, that he was probably attracted to you as well, but couldn't do anything about it because of your age and his status.

the next day, i attended one of my team mates HS grad. party.

I was talking to some friends, when my coach entered the room.

I said, hey coach, good to see you.  how you doing?"  He seemed startled that I was there.  I'm not sure why, but that's how it came across.  He never even acknowledged me, but looked right through me as if I didn't exist.  I was blown away, considering how he had treated me just two days ago.

I think he was just probably stunned, didn't know what to say or what to do.  One party is nothing conclusive about what someone thinks about you.  He could have had a bad day, his pet dog might of died or anything.

My soph. year in college, i was trying out for the tennis team.

So I called up my coach to ask him to hit balls with me to work out the kinks etc. 

Sounds a bit naughty! 

he agreed and showed up on time.  We got to hitting and I noted that he started hitting each ball harder than the first.  I felt as if he was angry with me or upset about something, so I said, hey what's up, how come you're in such a bad mood?

A woman likes to analyse a guys actions and try and work out is emotions with a straight question.   He's very unlikely to give you a straight answer if any though.

He said, Just hit the ball.  So I did.  after about 10 minutes, not even enough time to work up a sweat, he picked up the bucket of balls, grabbed his racket and headed for his car.  I said, thanks for hitting with me coach.  He didn't even look back at me to reply.

I was at a total loss.

That is very odd behaviour, are you sure you hadn't said or done something to offend him.  It's true that he would have been very self concious about the fact that you had asked him another emotional question and he might have wanted to escape straight after you asking that question.  Because men don't like talking about their emotions and therefore it would have frightened him.  The only thing I can think of in this situation, is that you didn't seem serious about practicing tennis but you seemed more serious about flirting with him or seeing him.  He detected that and stormed off because he couldn't get involved with you.

Several times following this episode, I ran into my old coach at several tennis tournaments we were both playing in with our individual teams.  On each occasion, he did the same thing as before. He avoided me and looked right past me when I simply said Hi.  Now this started getting me a bit angry because I knew I didn't do anything to deserve this treatment. 

Men don't realise what annoys women, women don't understand what annoys men!  So you quite simply could have done something to annoy him that you didn't know was bad.

Then the strangest thing happened.  I was hanging out at a table in the hotel bar  with a guy friend I had just met.  He was also a tennis player.  In fact, all the teams from my home state were staying there, so it was no biggie to run into people I knew or were friends with.  I look to my right and there's my coach sitting at the bar all by himself drinking a beer.  I look back at him several times and notice that he never seems to be looking my way when I'm seeing what he's up to.  So I get on the dance floor with my guy friend and just have a good time.  We sit back down and mind you, it had been about an hour or so that I had been sitting in this bar enjoying myself.  When all of a sudden, my coach heads my direction and I'm thinking, Oh boy, here it goes.  what's he going to do this time to  make me feel like crap?  He just walks to my table, stands in front of me with his hands in his jean pockets and asks how I'm doing.  I got nervous and showed him my sprained ankle.  I know, dumb, but I couldn't figure out why he was talking to me at this moment when he had been so blatantly avoiding me on other occasions and in fact, the day before.  I sure wish I had known more about body language back then; I would have been able to decifer the situation better I think.  After my stupid reply about my ankle, he made a small comment and then it looked as if he felt rejected. 

This has brought a new idea into my head about the situation.  When he was whacking the balls and you asked him "what was wrong?".  He thought you were unhappy with him.  Because he thought you were unhappy with him, he stormed off unhappy about the uncomfortable situation.  He then avoided saying Hi to you because he was not sure how to take you from now on.  Then when he saw you with this other guy, he got jealous, wanted to get your attention and when you were dumstruck he took this as meaning that you didn't want to speak to him.  So he walked off as if he's lost that special something that he had when you gave him that speech in the cupboard about thanking him for his help. 

It was weird.  I felt badly that I had acted like an idiot.  But I didn't understand his actions to be honest with you.  I started wondering if he was bipolar.  LOL

Yes, that could be a good explanation.

I got up to head to my room and realized that I had forgotten my sweater, so I had to go back to the bar to retrieve it.  when I looked up, i saw my coach walking a young lady out, probably around 25 or so.  It bothered me thinking that perhaps he was doing something a married man shouldn't be doing.  I know it happens all the time. 

It does happen all the time, if a wife is not providing him with the proper sexual and emotional needs, he will go elsewhere for a fling. 

But having a deep respect and admiration for him it upset me.  then it dawned on me, the woman that he was guiding out with him was almost an exact, (older) duplicate of me.  She had the same hair color, style and build.  I was floored.

And I bet he would have preferred the younger model, but had to settle for the older model.

maybe it was just a coincidence?  Who knows?  After that night, I got to thinking that maybe my coach had something more for me and was trying to test me that evening?  I had always thought he looked at me as a daughter and that is why he was so hard on me at times. 

I think that fatherly role gets mixed up when you become attached to a younger woman.  A guy wants to nuture and protect a younger woman, but eventually he gets so intimate with her, he starts to become attracted to her as well.  As soon as she shows some signs of making him feel special, it turns him on, because not many women make him feel that special, particularly, young and attractive women.

What's your take on his unusual emotions toward me and was he hitting on me and I was just too inexperienced and naive to realize it at the time?

I think he was, I can't say for certain, but I reckon the shower incident was the first time he really took notice of you, then after that when you made him feel so special, he couldn't help but become attracted to you.  You maybe detected his frustrated side, because he was frustrated he couldn't get too close to you, because of your age and his status. 

This has always bothered me to some extent because the reality of it is that he many ways, he was more of a father to me than my own father.  And I would like to think that he valued me for who and what I was and not because he looked at me in any other light than a positive one. 

I'm now playing tennis again and will undoubtedly run into him again as he plays in the same league.  I'm happily married and a confident person.  But I am heeding some insight from you and perhaps some advice as to how to handle the situation when I run into him. 

Time has changed, it will depend on what life has dealt him and how attractive you look nowadays.  He will feel something there because he will remember the intimate times of your early days.  I think it's a case of you just have to pretend that you don't know him and wait to see if you both talk with each other or are tempted to talk to each other when you meet up.  You won't actually know him, because he will have changed a bit, depending on his lifes circumstances since you last met.  He could be divorced, re-married, single or anything.  Only when you get to know him more will you get to know what he is like now.   There's no need to be nervous because basically you are starting afresh and need to get to know him again, get to know him as a new person before making any judgements about him.

I will always love and respect him in a special manner; without him and tennis, I probably wouldn't have made it through HS nor have the family and success I've had with my life.  So  my feelings for him are deep and caring ones; that's it.  I didn't understand some of his behavior toward me when I was younger.

A guy is always going to be hung up on a young attractive lady, that is showing appreciation towards him.  He is bound to have found you attractive and it will make him feel special, but the fact that he didn't push things further, means that you can't start afresh now.  He's not necessarily going to find you attractive anymore, if indeed he did in those days.

I will never know why he acted that way, although I feel you can possibly lend me some of your wonderful insight.  I simply don't want to do anything to rekindle old feelings he may have had for me or get him upset again.  I know I could do what he did and just avoid the situation.  But I'm not that type of person.  I just can't ignore someone I care about who impacted my life in such a positive way.  I know this isn't your typical question and scenario.

All you need to do is be friendly with him, treat him like a friend and remind him clearly that you are very happily married.   Don't let him feel as though you are attracted to him and don't flirt or agree to meet him in any other place.  You can't presume that he fancies you now or even fancied you then.

But after reading this site and many of your well thought out and obvious expertise on how men think/act, I knew if there was one guy who could give me some assistance on this, it was you.

Reply by backhand 11.02.08

Thanks so much for your thorough responses to my inquires.  You certainly provided me with some much needed perspective and personal insight.  I feel better about the person I was back in HS after reading your comments in regards to my interactions with my tennis coach etc.  Of course, had I known then about how men think/feel as I do now, I could have had more fun. But in all honesty, I was just too thankful to have a coach who treated me with respect and gave me a chance when my father never did. 

I’d like to add a few comments to some of your responses if I may?  Your responses are in the quotes.

“You have just turned on the sexual attraction part of his brain and that has made him intrigued about what you are like personally. It has also relaxed him because you have asked to borrow his shower which is quite an intimate thing to do, so he feels relaxed enough to ask you things about your personal hygiene.”

When I read your response regarding the shower request, I had to laugh.  Not because of what you said, but now thinking back to my coach’s facial expression and how I obviously came across.  As a 16 year old female who was basically a tom boy at heart, and grew up with an older brother who always hogged the shower and hot water; it never dawned on me that this would come across as a sexual/intimate action.  But you’re right.  He did start to open up more to me after that.  I never put two and two together. 

I was just wanting a long, hot shower without 5 other girls bugging me.

“I wouldn't be too confident in saying he knew your father's situation and was therefore nurturing you more than others.”

Oh, I have no doubt he was aware of my father’s alcoholism as it was a small town and everyone knew my parents.  They were involved a many things in town and my coach’s wife was the city editor of the town paper.  If you’ve ever heard of the old tv show called "Peyton Place", that was my town growing up.  I couldn’t go anywhere in town without someone knowing who my parents were.  I was never allowed to just be me until I got on that tennis court and it became a total release and identity.

“That was maybe a reflection on your relationship with your father.  In a way your father probably scared you far more than the fathers of your lady partners scared them.  You had dealt with far more emotionally fragile situations than these other young ladies and therefore this stress seemed like nothing for you to cope with, whereas with the other ladies they felt as though they were dealing with something more traumatic.  Essentially this was just something minor to you, because you have had worse things happen to you, whereas to these other ladies this was the worst thing that had happened to them.”

Sam, that is probably the best, most accurate perspective I’ve ever read as to why I took my coach’s demeanor and emotional outbursts in stride compare to my team mates.  Having grown up with an alcoholic father certainly was more traumatic and gut wrenching than anything my coach said or did to me.  I’ve never looked at it from that angle.  Thank you.

“Men don't like people disagreeing with them or answering back, they find it frustrating and confrontational.  I suppose women are just the same really.  If you ask for an opinion you want an opinion, if you don't ask for an opinion, you don't want someone to argue that you are wrong”

But Sam, he DID ask for my opinion/feelings and I gave them to him in a very logical and unemotional way.

Then he responded very harshly by berating my comments, thus making me feel even worse.  I thought guys preferred females to deal with things in a logical manner and also not get overly emotional?  Secondly, if he asked for my opinion/feelings, then he should have accepted them and just let it go.  If you don’t want my opinion, don’t ask.  It wasn’t that he got upset in as much as what he said to me that really hurt.  It made zero sense.  And I think he was affected by it as well as he often stewed about it by walking off and not talking to me again until the following week at school.

You maybe were giving him the answers he didn't want to hear then.  Whilst it was good that you were honest, he might have hoped for a different answer.

“When you are telling a guy that you've known for a while, how great he is and how much you appreciate him, he is very proud of that and will have been fairly emotional about saying goodbye to you.  You were an intimate part of his life and he probably would have wanted to stay an intimate part of your life.  Whether this was adoration for you as a father figure or adoration of you as someone who he was attracted to I don't know.  Nevertheless there would have been powerful emotions going on inside of him.”

Thank you Sam.  Reading this really helped.  I had always hoped for the most part that what I was sensing was real and that our rapport was legit.  This seals it.

“It's definitely a compliment, it shows that he singled you out as someone special.  It  could of course signalled that you were an awkward bitch at times and that's why he'll never coach another like you, but it certainly does demonstrate that he liked you a lot.  I think he was just mesmerised by you and you made him feel so special, that he was probably attracted to you as well, but couldn't do anything about it because of your age and his status.”

Thank you. I had hoped it was always a compliment.

Regarding being a possible “awkward bitch”, that’s too funny.  I feel confident in saying that was not the case.

I always treated my coach with the utmost respect and in an honest fashion.  He knew of my convictions and the type of person I was.  I never used foul language or treated my team mates with disrespect. That was not me.  Now, I could be a very competitive and aggressive doubles player on the court and perhaps come across as a bitch to some of my opponents.  But I know that was not the case with my coach.  No way.  Trust me, if I had, he would have had me running laps until I puked. 

“The only thing I can think of in this situation, is that you didn't seem serious about practicing tennis but you seemed more serious about flirting with him or seeing him.  He detected that and stormed off because he couldn't get involved with you.”

I understand your lack of knowing what actually happened in this case, but I assure you, my mind was only on one thing, getting some real practice in as I had a very important tennis tryout the following weekend.  I was transferring to another University.  My coach had the ability to help me work the kinks out and improve my strokes better than anyone I’ve ever took lessons from.  I had no intention of flirting with him nor did I.  In fact, there were only a couple of words exchanged between us, period.  If what I did that day in hitting some tennis balls came across as flirting, then my God, I should have landed many more guys in my younger years when I played tennis.  And now that I think of it, I’m not sure I did ask my coach the question, “what was wrong?’ because of his demeanor.  I think I pondered that during the time we were on the court but was too timid to ask him.  That’s why his behavior and demeanor was so weird to me.  From reading your comments, maybe he was uncomfortable with me as he felt an attraction?

Yes, I think he might have been. 

I don't know.  But I know this.  He could have told me NO to my request for him to spend some time with me refining my strokes. But he showed up on time, just didn't seem very happy about it.

FTR, I hung out at a local bar after women's tennis league all the time.  He was there often with guys from the men's league.  I had plenty of opportunities to "flirt with him", but never did.  Sometimes  he ignored me all together. 

“Then when he saw you with this other guy, he got jealous, wanted to get your attention and when you were dumstruck he took this as meaning that you didn't want to speak to him.  So he walked off as if he's lost that special something that he had when you gave him that speech in the cupboard about thanking him for his help.”

Ok, I get this now.  Back then, all I could think of was if in fact he was hitting on me, what the hell should I do?

I knew I loved him in a special way, but wasn’t in love with him.  And I respected his marriage.  If he was really after me, that kind of makes me angry.  Sure, it’s a compliment to some extent that he was attractive to me.  But it’s also insulting to me that he thought I would subvert my convictions and be the one to jeopardize his marriage because he knew I admired him.  The only thing that would have come out of following through on an affair with him would be having two special people hurt, then having a wife and daughter hurt.  Thus, the adoration and connection we had would have been totally undermined.  I personally would have been devastated because my coach and tennis is what saved me during my HS years.  Because those memories were so special to me, and especially since over the years I have tried to release so much of the crap I endured with my father’s alcoholism, I guess I hang onto the good times and fond memories of my childhood as there weren’t many.

“Time has changed, it will depend on what life has dealt him and how attractive you look nowadays.  He will feel something there because he will remember the intimate times of your early days.  I think it's a case of you just have to pretend that you don't know him and wait to see if you both talk with each other or are tempted to talk to each other when you meet up.  You won't actually know him, because he will have changed a bit, depending on his lifes circumstances since you last met.  He could be divorced, re-married, single or anything.  Only when you get to know him more will you get to know what he is like now.   There's no need to be nervous because basically you are starting afresh and need to get to know him again, get to know him as a new person before making any judgements about him.”

Great advice.  Thanks.  BTW, not to be arrogant, but I look much better than I did back in the day.  I was a tom boy and never wore make up during my HS days.  I hated dresses and lived for sports.  Probably why guys have always been friends of mine first.  I am much more feminine now and feel more sexually alive than ever before.  Not bad for a 43 year old, huh?  Working out; changing my life style, and growing my hair longer has done wonders; many people have told me I look about 32, so I feel confident that if I do run into my coach, he won’t question my weight anymore. ;-)   My nervousness about running into him isn’t so much about how I will feel, it’s more about not hurting him.  After reading your comments, you have given me such clarity, it’s a relief.

Thank you for taking the time to answer my concerns.

You are the first one who has really answered so many of my questions, and did so in a very objective manner.

If I do eventually run into my coach, I will surely write you an update as to how it went.

Reply by backhand 11.03.08

SAM:  "No, because he will have still remembered the good old days."

When he approached me in that bar during a tennis tournament, it was 6 years after I had left HS.  Isn’t that a long time to still be attracted to someone?

SAM:  "No, because he would have remembered the intimate moments you shared and you were still much younger than him, plus he had much more chance of being successful speaking to you, due to the relationship you had those years ago.  If he'd have tried with the other women, who he probably didn't know as well, then he would have had less chance of success."

Hmmmm....  that's very interesting Sam.  Honestly,  never thought that type of attraction could last so long.  Always thought, out of sight, out of mind.....OK then Sam, riddle me this:

Attraction is still there for 6 years past any real contact because of someone as you stated "recalls the good old days and intimate moments he shared with a certain person."

what about 20 years later?  is that attraction still possible?

Yes, those memories of the good old days would come flooding back into his memory.  I remember the good days of my childhood because you always want to go back to the good times you had in your life.  He probably wouldn't recognise you 20 years later, but if you introduced yourself and he knew it was you, then yes, that attraction would still be there.

and what if I actually look better, more feminine, more attractive than years ago? 

I think that's an obvious answer, more feminine, more attactive, he's bound to find you even more attractive.

sure i'm older. aren't we all.  but i do look better in most ways that would be attractive to a man.  at least that's what my guy friends have told me.  ;-)

If that's what they say, I would totally agree with them.

sorry, just had to ask you.  must be the gemini in me.  thanks for your responses.  it's been intriguing and informative to say the least.

btw, you stated to the effect that you didn't think he loved me.

personally, i think there is a difference between "loving" someone and being in love.  I think you can have both, or one and not the other.   I tend to think because of the way he treated me far differently from my peers, he perhaps felt the first, and maybe the attraction came later.  I agree with you, however.  I don't think he was in love with me.  I probably didn't do a good job of pointing out those differences in my previous post to you.

Ironically, I almost ran into him last friday at the tennis facility.

He glanced my way as he was leaving, but didn't really get a good look at me nor did I really see him.  Just heard the tennis pro say, "did you see him?  there goes your old coach." 

He probably won't have recognised you and if he did he would probably want to keep checking you out from a distance at first before moving in for a closer look. 

I was upset for missing him, but the same time, thought it was funny how we got so close and yet, keep missing each other.  Life is silly thing sometimes.

Reply by backhand 13.03.08

SAM:  “I think he was, I can't say for certain, but I reckon the shower incident was the first time he really took notice of you, then after that when you made him feel so special, he couldn't help but become attracted to you.  You maybe detected his frustrated side, because he was frustrated he couldn't get too close to you, because of your age and his status.”

SAM:  “Men don't realise what annoys women, women don't understand what annoys men!  So you quite simply could have done something to annoy him that you didn't know was bad.”

In regards to the above comments you made toward previous posts I sent you, it got me thinking.  Because I chose NOT to pursue a relationship with my coach nor do anything that was uncomfortable for me that evening when given the opportunity and his obvious interest, did I in fact totally annoy, frustrate and anger him because my actions came across as rejection rather than being my usual warm and friendly self thus asking him to join us for a beer?

He would have felt rejected that would be his main feeling and maybe annoyed if he felt that you were leading him on.  That would be his perception though, lots of men get the feeling that a woman likes them but then it turns out that she doesn't.  Men do feel aggrieved when women reject them as well, they oftend think women reject them for petty, minor reasons.  Because to a bloke some of the things women do reject men for are petty, whereas in a woman's mind they would be perfectly reasonable.

I’ve noted recently in some of your comments to other women’s inquires, you keep mentioning how too many women look to other women for advice on men; and when they do, they get bad advice because we all think one way and men think a different way.  So if I was nervous, tentative, confused and a bit shocked at my coaches’ actions toward me that evening, (and he knew of my convictions and upbringing) he in fact didn’t grasp my feelings, did he? 

He wouldn't have acted like he did, unless he had good reason to think you liked him, well maybe some alcohol might have clouded his judgement as well.

Is it possible that he acted the manner he did in trying to get closer to me because he took my behavior in HS, which was actually normal for me, as something more than just a coach/student/athlete rapport? 

Yes, men often do get confused with rapport and a woman fancying him.  To a guy if he has rapport with a woman, he will presume that she fancies him, but that is not true.  

Could he actually have thought I was romantically falling for him?  That never crossed my mind when I was in HS.  felt.  I'd like to hear what you think his perception of what I thought of him was, if that's possible?

Yes, I think he did, based on his actions.

Then when I was dumbstruck and wasn't receptive to him at the bar, what he saw in his mind was me simply rejecting him.  Is that the case?  And if so, as a guy, would that have made him never want to speak to me again?

It would have made him want to avoid you for weeks.  Then he would have healed a bit and wouldn't have minded seeing you again, though he probably would have a phobia.  After 20 years, he will probably have a flash back to that event years ago, as the first thing that springs to his mind.  But eventually he will forget about the phobia and remember the good times and will try and build on those good times you had to get to know you again.  He will hope that you have forgotten about those events in the bar.

Just an interesting thought as you had mentioned even after 20 years, he could still feel the attraction.  However, if his last impression of me was one of anger etc., then maybe all the attraction in the world won’t do anything to change that? 

He'll remember that event and his heart will drop into his stomach, but he has had time to heal and will have gone through many tragedies with other women since then.  So much so, that what happened between you two would probably seem trivial now. 

As a female, I’m so willing to forgive and move on.  Can guys do that as well when it comes to their most personal feelings?

He will remember this event, like he will remember anything really bad that happens to him.  The only way he will forget about the event is if he gets to know you again and gets on well with you and you have many happy times together.  When this happens he will replace that bad memory with all the happy thoughts of the present.

Reply by backhand 25.03.08

in RE: to your last response as follows, just a quick point and question or two if i may?

In regards to the above comments you made toward previous posts I sent you, it got me thinking.  Because I chose NOT to pursue a relationship with my coach nor do anything that was uncomfortable for me that evening when given the opportunity and his obvious interest, did I in fact totally annoy, frustrate and anger him because my actions came across as rejection rather than being my usual warm and friendly self thus asking him to join us for a beer?

SAM:  "He would have felt rejected that would be his main feeling and maybe annoyed if he felt that you were leading him on.  That would be his perception though, lots of men get the feeling that a woman likes them but then it turns out that she doesn\'t.  Men do feel aggrieved when women reject them as well, they oftend think women reject them for petty, minor reasons.  Because to a bloke some of the things women do reject men for are petty, whereas in a woman\'s mind they would be perfectly reasonable."

this is what I don't understand, so help me out.  My coach was married.  I'm guessing he had been married for at least 5 years if not more by the time he coached me.  He had a two year old daughter when I was a soph.  He had a wonderful career (teaching/coaching) that he loved and was good at.  EVEN with all of this, why would he waste his time and emotions on a naive 16, 17, 18 and then 24 year old single young lady who was NEVER a legit option for him?  Please explain that.  Men are suppose to be logical right?

I can't really say that all guys are logical.  Logical and literal is the way guys think, but that can not be applied to everything.  A guy's logical brain can also easily be switched off by alcohol and even women (if he falls for a woman, his brain is flooded with feel good chemicals like dopamine).

Guys like young women, they dream of being with a young woman, being with a young woman gives him status and makes him feel more attractive.  Being with a woman also gives him the maximum possible years in which to have children.

To you, he has a family and kids and a successful career.  To him his life is likely that everyday and he wants some excitement in his life.  Kids and family are very important to a guy but excitement in his life is also important.

Secondly, you state that he after he spoke to me and I didn't invite him over, he felt rejected and then went on to explain how he probably felt annoyed, as if I were leading him on.

I don't get this either.  I never did anything out of line or suggested during my HS years. 

Rejection and being annoyed both come together to a man.  He will feel rejected and try in his brain to apportion blame to you, he might bounce the blame back to himself but ultimately he will want you to be to blame in his head, so he can feel good about himself again. 

I grew up in a very conservative home with strong convictions.  He knew of these and in many ways, he held the same ones.  If in fact he was rejected and annoyed at me because I didn't follow through on his desires etc., wasn't he in a way just trying to use me for his needs? 

You could probably say that yes, but then he wouldn't have minded having a long term relationship with someone so young as well.  Young women stretch a guys lifespan of being able to have children. 

If he really cared about me as a young lady he coached and developed a strong rapport based on trust and respect, he wouldn't put me in that type of scenario or expect me to do something that both he and I knew in my heart and conscious, it was dead wrong.  And the end result would have only been that I would have been hurt.

He could have moved on and just gone back to his life and family, no big deal.  But I would have felt used and probably hated him for it.

Guys don't really think like that.  They believe that if a woman has a relationship with a guy she will enjoy it while it lasts, it will be a bit of excitement for her and then she'll get on with her life.  Guys think like guys, they don't understand things from a woman's point of view.  Guys would hate to see you upset by something involving them, but they wouldn't see how much it means to a woman. 

You're right about one thing.  I'm sure the alcohol did effect his judgement that evening.  I just don't get how a man can be angry with me when he knew it would only hurt me in the long run.

Isn't that just being totally selfish OR am I being unfair in my perception? 

He had drunk alcohol at the time, maybe if he was sober he would have been more logical.  Indeed, at every other contact with him, he never made a move on you which goes to prove that it was probably the alcohol that turned off the rational part of his brain. 

Had I done something during my HS years or even that evening prior to him coming over to demonstrate that I was attracted to him and wanted to spend some time with him, I can understand his motives.  even after reading your responses and breaking down what you've said, I'm having a hard time accepting what his real intentions were than evening.  Honestly, it makes me upset, even to this day.

I really don't think there is any point in getting upset, this was years ago and was based on one evening only.  He took the hint from your actions and I don't see why it's necessary to get upset about something from years ago.  I think he was probably drunk, not thinking properly and needed some company. 

Reply by backhand 27.03.08

SAM:  “Rejection and being annoyed both come together to a man.  He will feel rejected and try in his brain to apportion blame to you, he might bounce the blame back to himself but ultimately he will want you to be to blame in his head, so he can feel good about himself again. “

To be blunt, are you saying that most men are just plain selfish, shallow and feel that it’s the woman’s fault IF they (the man) are rejected? 

No, that's not what I'm saying, he has a safety mechanism which makes him blame the woman, to make himself feel good, it's not that he wants to blame the woman, it's just that he has to stop himself dropping into a deep depression.  If I explain the consequences.  It's labelled as a man's job to ask a woman out.  Men get rejected a lot as a result.  Rejection has a devastating effect on a man it makes him feel, down and depressed.  I'm sure women experience rejection as well and it's not a good feeling.  The amount of women that men get rejected by in a life time is enough to make a man seriously depressed, if he's consistently getting rejected, he'll lose his self-confidence and even become suicidal, because what's the point in living life if no woman finds you attractive.  So as a man's way of coping and stopping that rejection getting to him, he switches the blame in his head to that of the woman, even if he knows deep down it was his fault.  You could call that selfish or you could call that stopping himself from comitting suicide.  It means that his depression at feeling rejected only lasts a few days or few weeks, rather than years or even a lifetime.  I'm probably going a bit too deep into a man's thought here with you.

I hate rejection as much as any one.  But to apportion blame onto a young, single 24 year old who respects someone as a father figure, and also who respects his marriage is plain BS imho.  As I’ve stated prior, I did NOTHING to push him into a relationship with me.  It makes me wonder if the rapport I thought I had with him during my HS years as my coach was all BS too.

SAM:  “You could probably say that yes, but then he wouldn't have minded having a long term relationship with someone so young as well.  Young women stretch a guys lifespan of being able to have children.”

You have mentioned many times that men love younger women because they are more fertile, thus more attractive to men compared to same age/older women.  So basically, a guy looking for a one-night stand with a younger woman really wants her for the children she can biological have with him?  And all this time, I was thinking it was just for the no strings attached sex.  Where am I wrong?

That's because men think like that and women think that too.  But I'm talking about his unconscious brain now.  His conscious brain is saying I fancy a bit of her, his unconscious brain is telling him she is attractive because she is fertile.

SAM:  ”I really don't think there is any point in getting upset, this was years ago and was based on one evening only.  He took the hint from your actions and I don't see why it's necessary to get upset about something from years ago.  I think he was probably drunk, not thinking properly and needed some company."  

But then you also said this:

SAM:  “He'll remember that event and his heart will drop into his stomach, but he has had time to heal and will have gone through many tragedies with other women since then.  So much so, that what happened between you two would probably seem trivial now.

He will remember this event, like he will remember anything really bad that happens to him.  The only way he will forget about the event is if he gets to know you again and gets on well with you and you have many happy times together.  When this happens he will replace that bad memory with all the happy thoughts of the present.”

How is his perception different from mine?  If he recalls that event and it’s upsetting to him, why should it not also be upsetting to me to recollect about it as well?  Just trying to understand your logic on this.

He shouldn't be upset about it either, but I'm not in contact with him to tell him that.  What I'm saying is that you should not let it upset you because if you put it into perspective you probably saw your coach 1000 times.  999 of those times he was alright, one night when he was drunk, he probably made an approach to you but didn't take it further.  I don't see why you should be upset about that one occassion which he didn't take any further anyway, if he'd done something else I would certainly upset but it was one mistake on a night when he was drunk.  And I could be wrong in his intentions it's all speculation.

You’ve been very helpful and I appreciate your perceptions.  I have been curious about this scenario for a long time; it’s nice to pick your brain. 

PS:  He’s retiring this summer from his current position.

I was thinking of sending him a card/picture of my family, and just telling him thanks for how he helped me in HS develop as a person and athlete.  Now I’m rethinking that.  I don’t want anything to be misunderstood or taken in the wrong context. 

BTW, I know he’s still married to his wife and his kids are in college.  So nothing has really changed in that regard.  What’s your honest opinion on my sending him a card following his retirement?  Good idea, Bad idea, and why?

I don't see why you shouldn't send a guy a card.  As I say what I've said is all speculation based on your description of events.  And your a mature adult now, I'm sure you can deal with any man, in the unlikely event he takes anything the wrong way.  I personally think sending a card to someone is not going to be taken the wrong way, depending on what you put in the card.  

Reply by backhand 14.04.08

one final question about this topic and i won't bother you anymore.  since you felt it was ok per my last post for me to send my former coach a retirement card and include a photo of my family, I'm going to do just that.  However, here's my question.

After reading your response below to one of my inquires about attraction years later, would you say that type of attraction that can exist years later is ONLY if that person actually sees you face to face again?

No, I wouldn't say so.  If you meet someone online through a social networking site or dating web site and they look attractive in a photo you imagine what they look like in real person.  Even if there's no photo there you still imagine a picture of them in your mind.  For example I'm responding to your message now, I have a picture of what you might look like, even though I've never seen a picture of you and never met you before.

OR can that attraction be rekindled, so to speak, if they see a recent photo of you; one that would naturally show that you look more feminine and perhaps, more attractive than years prior when they last saw you in person?

Yes, certainly as detailed in my previous paragraph.

just curious what you think his feelings might be when he sees a recent photo of me.  I'm not sure how i'd feel if I viewed a recent photo of him as I know he's obviously aged and changed somewhat over the course of 20 plus years.

Imagination usually starts to run wild about what it would be like meeting that person in real life.  What you put in that sentence is a prime example, you are imagining what it will be like seeing a photo of him and looking older.  That's all part of the imagination he will experience too.

Reply by backhand 20.04.08

OK, you've got my inquisitive nature peaked.  So, just for the hech of it, what do you think I look like and why?"

don't worry.  i'm not going to post pics.  i value my privacy as I'm sure you value yours.  I just find it intriguing that you stated you have a picture of what I might look like despite never seeing me.

I'd like to see how close you can come to what I look like based upon our correspondence.  Of course, I wouldn't take anything personal.  But if you're close, I'd certainly be impressed.  I've read where people can discern things like this without even meeting.

So go ahead when you have time.

I don't think it will be anywhere near accurate.  If you bear in mind I read through hundreds of emails a month and get mixed up with who told me what and have to re-read through the thread again, before replying.  I haven't re-read this page and you've probably gave me a few clues in the content.  But my picture at this very moment in time, is about 5"6 tall, brown shoulder length hair, not fat but not thin either, a few extra pounds, but fairly fit for someone in their 40's.

Reply by backhand 27.04.08

Not bad for being across an ocean and just basing it on the context of what I've told you. 

5' 6"....boy I wish.  more like 5'4".

yup, brown hair and is now shoulder length.  how did you get that?  interesting.

a few extra pounds?  LOL  OK, you\'re right.  but not too many.  I have a very athletic frame.  i workout almost everyday doing cardio and strength training.  So I will never be a twig.  Since you know I have children, that\'s kind of obvious about the few extra pounds.  Nature has a way of doing that.  Women get stuck with that after having kids.  And men get stuck with that after downing to many beers.  ;-)

Fairly fit?  I think I'm in great shape actually for 43.  I can out hit most 30 year olds on the tennis court and outlast them as well.

But overall, I give you major props.  For not knowing me or ever seeing a picture, you did amazingly well on your guess.  Perhaps my Irish background leant you to believe my hair color was brown? 

I know a lot of people think many red heads come from Ireland.  I disagree.  I've been there.  I saw a few, but mostly brown hair.  Blond and blue eyes was not very prominent either.  FTR, I have been told I have beautiful hazel eyes.   Which is kind of neat I guess.  I'm just glad at my age, they still work well.

I'd return the favor and guess what you look like, but you haven't provided enough information to even make a stab at it.  And that's ok.  I enjoy your perceptions and the manner you write your replies.  It's been an intriguing experience reading so many different experiences/feelings/perceptions by women who email you their stories and inquires.  Keep up the good work and thanks for being a good sport.

Want to get the opinion of other ladies who visit this web site?  Try my new forum .