i was reading one of the posts by a lady who stated she told her BF that she loved him, even though it seemed as if it was basically just a sexual thing for both of them and not a true definition of relationship.  You stated that men hate hearing the word "love" and it freaks them out.

I wouldn't say all men,  I would say if they hear the word "love" too soon, then it does freak them out.  Love means committment to a man and if he feels the woman is in love with him, he feels as though she wants him to give her committment.   For guys that are not ready to make that committment yet either because they don't know the woman well enough or because they are young and slightly immature, the word love freaks them out. 

I think guys that have found their princess or guys that are ready for committment, do like the word love.  This maybe a change from my previous theories but as you know some of my theories have evolved or been completely overhauled lately.  I can vaguely remember that article but don't know where I've put it.

In fact I would say a man's ultimate goal in life is to be loved by someone.  In order to be loved by someone, he has to choose the perfect woman for him.  He has to choose a woman he gets on well with, a woman who is likely to be faithful to him, a woman that gives him confidence and makes him feel good about himself. 

OK, this got me thinking about my situation.  You mentioned several times that you felt my coach may have "fancied" me.  Here in the US, we don't use that word to describe someone we are attracted to.  Is that what it means to "fancy" someone, to be attracted to them?  Or is it just simply "liking" someone?

Do you consider 'fancying someone and being in love" two separate things OR in your opinion, are they the same?

Fancying someone and loving someone is definitely two different things.  You love someone after you develop an affection to someone after a certain length of time.  Fancying someone is basically the initial stages before you are even going out with them, to suggest you are interested in them.   It basically means you like the look of them, you like them as a person, so you are "interested" in them.

I think many women would tell you that if they are deeply attracted to a man, they are also probably in love.  Is that also true for men or can they have a true physical/romantic attraction for a woman and not be in love? 

To a guy love comes much later.  He can't just fall in love within a few days of going out with a woman.  It has to develop over time, he has to have known her for a few months.  Even if he's had sex with her, doesn't mean he's fallen in love with her.  Where love starts with a guy, is where he really starts to believe she could be his ideal woman that he wants to stay with long term.  Loads of women pass by him on a daily basis and he can't just say to himself "I love her, so I'm going to ask her out".  I have never loved a woman before going out with her and I've never fallen in love with a woman within one month of being in a relationship with her.  I'd be simply lying to her and telling her what she wants to hear if I said "I loved her". 

For example there are women that I have fancied for years, I've never fallen in love with them because I've never had a relationship with them.  Because I've known them for years before, I think I would probably fall in love with them sooner in the relationship, but I can certainly say that I wouldn't fall in love with them until we are actually in a relationship.  I think anyone who proclaims to have fallen in love with someone before then is either confused about what love is or is trying to deceive or tell the woman what she wants to hear. 

This just turned the proverbial light bulb on in my head and makes me wonder if the reason why my coach's behavior was so weird/atypical around me AFTER I left HS, was in fact because he may have fallen in love with me?  I know that sounds self absorbed and I certainly don't mean it that way. 

Definitely not, he may have fancied you "being interested in going out with you", but the fact that he never got to go out with you or find out what it was like to go out with you, would have meant he never got to decide whether he loved you.   

You stated several times how you felt he was attracted to me and felt "mesmorized" by me.   it's one thing to know someone was very attracted to you; it's an entirely different level to realize that they may have loved you.  Knowing what it's like to be in love, I understand the emotions you go through; good and bad.  Just tell me what you honestly think when you can respond.  I'd appreciate it.

I can't possibly understand what it's like when women fall in love.  But from a man's point of view we have to fall in love after going out with a woman for a certain length of time.  We fall in love on the basis of our rapport with the woman, whether we feel we could spend the rest of our life with her and how good the sex is, how comfortable the relationship feels.

BTW, I'm sooooo glad you have decided to keep this site up and continue responding to inquires.  Thanks for taking the time to give it serious consideration.  I look forward to reading your site whenever I get the chance.  It's very enlightening and enjoyable.

Thank you for sending me that message, it made my mind up about continuing to run the web site.  However if I stop being single, I think I will probably have to give up the site.  It seems that anyone I tell about the web site, suddenly becomes totally disinterested in going out with me.  I like to be completely honest to anyone I meet, but it seems that honesty doesn't get me anywhere when it comes to telling people about this web site.  You and the others that have emailed me really have given me the incentive to continue this web site.  It also makes me proud that I've managed to help people get together through this web site or helped people out in other ways. 

Reply by backhand 20.02.08

RE: finding your Princess and DC'ing this site. 

I can understand some women (potential GF's of yours) maybe feeling a bit confused or curious about this site.   I'm sure all of us would.  But honestly, aren't men looking for a woman who is both confident in herself and assertive? 

Not necessarily, we don't find women that are depressed very attractive, mainly because they are no fun to be with when they are depressed and their depression might rub onto him.  However we don't necessarily go for confident and assertive women.  Confident is attractive, but we equally like the challenge of making a woman confident.  As for assertive I think it's a case of the type of man we are, whether we like an assertive kind of woman.  Men do need direction and do need a woman to give them direction in life, so assertiveness is a strong point, but it's not necessarily the basis of what we seek. 

Don't men want women to have their own lives, roles and hobbies? I know my husband does.  So why wouldn't the same be true for what a woman would want for their man?

Yes, we definitely want to have our own lives, however we feel as though a lot of women critisize us for having our own lives, for example going to the pub with friends, going to the football etc.  I think it's a matter of balance, a guy should be allowed to pursue his hobby, but he shouldn't go so far as neglecting his lady too much either.  I also want my lady to be able to enjoy the things that she enjoys doing.  I do think some men do get insecure about that, just as some women do.  But if you really and truly love your woman or man you should let them enjoy themselves without you, just as much as they should enjoy themselves with you.

As I've stated prior, it's YOUR site and you can do whatever you wish with it.  But any GF who feels threatened or jealous of what you do on this site is being insecure and not fair to you imho.

It's not as if you are cheating with anyone or even writing suggestive porn.  You are simply writing your personal opinions about relationships between men and women coming from your male POV.  How is that any different from what "DEAR ABBEY" does here in the US?  I don't think that has ever affected her marriage.

I guess as a woman, it bothers me that another woman would make you choose between her and a passion that you obviously love to do or you wouldn't have started and maintained this site for the length of time you have.  I would bet that any woman you may date who is insecure with what you do here probably would have bookmarked this site and read it every day had she not known you personally. 

Being female, I can honestly tell you some women are jealous about most things all the time.  And some are control freaks. 

I hope for your sake, you can find a young lady who treats you better than that.  From what I can tell, you are a honest and genuinely a good guy.  That comes through in your responses. 

If any of your GF's can't appreciate that about you, they are not worthy of your time, affection and commitment for the long haul.

To me, developing a relationship with someone isn't about making them change what they do or love, but encouraging them to make it better or try some new things as well.  If it were my husband running this site and responding to women, I would embrace his endeavor in a heartbeat.  Because first and foremost, I love him and support him.  And I know where his heart is and what type of man he is.  I would think any GF who truly loves YOU, would also want YOU, SAM, to be who you are and do what you enjoy.  That's what love, support and commitment are all about.  You either love that person for who they are or you don't. 

You've been more than helpful and generous with your time. 

I know everyone who has written you is appreciative of your efforts.  But whatever you should decide to do with this site, my hope for you is that you can eventually find your Princess and live happily ever after.....;-)

Good luck and keep the faith.

Thanks, I guess I dish out advice about a ladies situation and because I'm not in their situation I have a better and impartial view.  Just as ladies are blind to their own situation, I'm blind to my own life situations because I'm not looking from the outside into the situation.  I can see your point that any woman that doesn't accept me for what I do, is not worth spending my life with anyway, I might as well move on and find another lady, that will accept me for who I am and what I do.

Reply by backhand 20.02.08

So the fact that I spent 3 years in close contact with him during tennis season, spoke to him often at school during the off season, and developed a very strong rapport with him, that couldn’t lead someone to falling in love? 

It's unlikely, not with the true meaning of love, a guy really needs to be in a relationship with someone or at least going out with them as friends for a long time in their social time to be able to fall truely in love.  He may get confused and think he's in love before then, but that's usually because he fails to realise what true love is.  Anyone who meets up as friends has a totally different relationship with someone who they are having an intimate relationship with.  Friends tend not to touch each other intimately, they tend not to have sex, they tend not to experience what it's like to be in a relationship with the other person.  Yes, you could probably start to fall in love, but to fall in love truely you need to experience being in a relationship.

I understand the need to go out with a person.  In my case, that couldn’t develop because of the obvious circumstances.  I’ve heard about love at first site. 

I think that's just a phrase that's being put out of context.  When we meet people we usually pick out in the first few minutes when we like someone.  Something about them just says to us, I like him or her, she is a potential.  I seriously don't think you can fall in love at first sight, that would undermine the word love.  For example I have had these feelings with many women I've met, I just look at them and think, gosh beautiful, brilliant personality.  Then I get to know them more, and that decides whether they really are potential, they might turn out to have the wrong personality for me (I haven't fallen in love with them, it was just a good first impression and I saw the potential there). 

I can bet a lot of people can say that there husband was love at first sight.  Well, that might be what you perceive but really, if you count the hundreds of people you met in your lifetime and felt that love at first sight feeling, then later changed your mind, the chances are that it was just a good feeling you got when you met up that you liked them and they could be potential for a long term relationship.  So I think the phrase "love at first sight", makes love sound a bit cheap.  You can't love someone you have have only met two minutes ago.

Don’t know if I buy into that.  However, people fall in love with those they work with for several months, a year or two. 

No, they begin to build up towards a relationship and fancy each other so much that they decide to have a relationship.  You don't fall in love until you find that having a relationship together seems like a great feeling and you feel as though you want to spend the rest of your life together.  I suppose all this depends on what you call true love.  That's my idea of true love, having spent some intimate time together in each others life whilst in a relationship, you get the feeling that you like the person so much that you want to spend the rest of your life with them.

And some never actually go out with each other on a real date.  Some people are afraid to be seen with that person out in public.  Why couldn’t someone fall in love with another person in a similar environment? 

I wouldn't say I'm right, but my personal opinion is, you can be friend and colleagues and get on brilliantly, the moment you start a relationship together it's something different.  If you really do love the other person you will start a relationship with them, you won't avoid each other in public, you would do anything to be with them.

Are you saying the ONLY way a man can actually fall in love with a young lady is IF he dates her first?

I would say so, friendship and being a colleague is far different to experiencing a woman when out on a date, at home in her rags, in a sensitive state, having sex with her and all those things that would happen in a relationship that wouldn't happen with friendship.

I guess my question about this that bugs me is this.  If in my case in was ONLY an attraction, wouldn’t that have faded within the time I graduated HS, left for college, and was basically never in his life again? 

No, because he will have still remembered the good old days.

When he approached me in that bar during a tennis tournament, it was 6 years after I had left HS.  Isn’t that a long time to still be attracted to someone? 

No, because he would have remembered the intimate moments you shared and you were still much younger than him, plus he had much more chance of being successful speaking to you, due to the relationship you had those years ago.  If he'd have tried with the other women, who he probably didn't know as well, then he would have had less chance of success. 

Seriously?  Someone you have never dated?

Fancy or attraction means you like the person and see them as a potential to date them, it doesn't mean you have fallen in love with them, it just means you consider giving them a chance.

Sam:  "whether we feel we could spend the rest of our life with her and how good the sex is, how comfortable the relationship feels".

Don’t think any of these were a real option as he was married.

They probably weren't an option from your point of view and may have been too much for him as well, but he still might have fantasized about it. 

And looking back, I’m glad I made the right choices I did; not only for me but in his case.  Maybe being young and inexperienced at reading body language etc. was a blessing in disguise.

Want to get the opinion of other ladies who visit this web site?  Try my new forum .