I have a big dilema. I don't know if I'm in love or just infactuated with a man that is old enough to be my father. Our relationship started out as co-workers, but from the time I first meet him, he made my body shiver. He was a very attractive older man, and he was way out of my league. Not only was he way older than me, he was also a different race than me and I was newly married. When we worked together, we got along really well. On the days that I went to work and didn't work with him, he still found his way over to where I was to talk to me. I am big chested, and I immediatley picked up on his attraction for big breast but I pretended that I didn't notice. Once in a conversation, he mentioned to me that he was a breast man. We eventually got close enough for him to give me his house number, cell phone number and email address. I began to have an emotional affair with him. Since I was married, I had to sneak and talk to him. I told him everything about my not so happy marriage and he would try and give me advice. I eventually told him in an email that I liked him and he told me how he had thoughts about me and him together intimately. It was a shock to me that he had even thought about me in that way. I got scared and stopped talking to him for about a week. I didn't think that he would like me back in that way, so I felt that it was safe for me to have those feelings because I knew it would never go anywhere. We eventually started talking again and he apologized for scaring me. Even after I no longer worked at his place of employment, I kept in touch with him and he always sounded happy to hear my voice when I called. I sometimes would go a couple of months without talking to him, and then I would call him up to see how he was doing. Several years has passed by since I first met him, and I have been separated from my husband for a little over a year. About six month after separating from my husband,I started talking to this man again. When we started talking again, I mentioned coming over to his house to watch a movie and he didn't believe that I would come over. I had never been to his house before but I used to always talk about going over to his house and I never would. This time, I actually did go over to his house and all we did was watch a movie. On the second visit to his house,things got hot and heavy. I mentioned having sex and he said that he didn't think that we should because it could complicate things. It didn't take much for him to change his mind and one thing lead to another and the next thing I know, there was no turning back.  A few weeks later I ended up telling him a little about how I felt about him. He didn't respond to the letter and that really hurt.

Because he'd got his sex out of you, now he's not the slightest bit interested in you as a person, he's interested in your body, not interested in getting to know you, and he will be scared that you have more feelings for him than sex. 

We continued to play around. I was relentless. I ended up writing an email pouring my heart out to him, and still no response.

Even bigger chance of him not replying, if you poured your heart out to him.  Emotional stuff and he's only met up with you outside work twice, even though he had, had sex with you.  Men don't want to have to deal with emotional stuff, unless they have been with you for a while and even then, they struggle to cope with emotional stuff. 

When I did eventually talk to him about what was said in the letters, he told me that he was not attracted to me and pretty much all he wanted to do was play.

That was kind of predictable, I would have thought, you had worked that out by now.  He's a breast man, and you have nice breasts that he can play with.  He's had a good play with them and probably would hope to play with them again sometime, but really nothing more than that.

He told me that he realized that I wanted to be in a relationship and that he didn't see that ever happening.

Yep, you had sex too early, you can't have long term relationships with people when you hardly know them and you have had sex already, they can't think about getting to know you anymore, all they can think about it knickers and bras and what they can do when they get into them. 

Another stab in the heart. He told me that he didn't want to lose me as a friend. Wow. Me, being desperate for any type of relationship that I could have with him told him that when it was all said and done we still both had needs, which has lead us to have just a sex based relationship.

That's all it's ever going to be now.  Check in my forum, there's a posting there about the 12 steps in a relationship, if you rush to sex too soon, it's impossible to go back to the step where you get to know each other. 

I am regreting this entire situation. A year ago, I would never have seen myself where I am now. Everything that I have done for these last six months are completley out of character for me. I have never done anything like this before and I am just feeling completley out of control.

That's because you are out of a long term relationship and your unconscious brain wants you to feel loved again, the only way to feel love from a guy is to sleep with him, because that's the only reason guys show love early on in a relationship.  Unfortunately when you have sex too soon in a relationship that doesn't lead to proper love from a guy, it just leads to loving your body and what he can do with it. 

He knows what type of person I am, and he knows that I am not one of those girls that are just out there and just sleeps with any and everyone. He is the second man that I have let in my life intimately and I know that he doesn't want to hurt me.

I don't think any guys particularly want to hurt a woman.  I don't think guys understand why they do this to women, but they have their needs and have to be ruthless to get them.  I don't many guys realise that if they have sex too soon with a woman, it means they are incapable or having a lasting relationship or getting to know a woman.  I think guys think that if they meet the right woman, have sex with them, the woman will just continue to be attractive to them and continue to be attracted to them, but it doesn't work like that, as soon as you get the sex, you can't stop thinking about sex, you lose the ability to be able to develop the relationship into something more serious.

But I also know that he is a man and he's getting his needs met sexually so he's going to go with the flow until something puts a stop to it. I want to know if you think that he has lost respect for me since i slept with him the second time I came over his house eventhough, I have known him for years and could have had sex with him a long time ago but never did until just recently?

Although you knew him for years, you only knew him professionally, he didn't know him personally.  The second date is still too soon. If you look in my forum you will find a write up their about the 12 steps in a relationship and what happens when you rush to sex too soon.  I don't think men or women realise that this happens, men are keen to get to sex as quickly as possible and women often provide that to most men nowadays, I don't think either men or women realise how that affects the ability to have a long term relationship with someone.  He might have genuinely liked you but after the sex it would have been impossible for the relationship to progress. 

I also want to know if you think that I have any chance of being more than just a friend with benefits to him?

The damage is done now, I don't think there's any chance of it being more than knickers and bras to him.

I think that he gives me mixed messages like it could be sometimes. One day recently he, mentioned that he was about to buy something for me at the store that he knew that I needed but he didn't because he said that I would say that it was too cheap.

He's wanting to make an effort to keep you sweet, but the guy doesn't know you and is never going to know you, so he doesn't know what you like.  He's probably trying to make a go of it, but he knows it's uncomfortable trying to be anything more than sexual partners.

He does little subtle things that he really doesn't have to do if it's only about sex, so what's that about?

Keeping you sweet, feeling guilty about using you for sex, and partly wanting to make the effort to see if you are someone that's right for me.  But he won't understand why he's incapable of that and may even be frustrated that he can't get to know you more and develop the relationship, but it's just pretty much impossible.

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