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Pair bonding was first reported by secular zoologist Desmond Morris in Intimate Behavior.
The Twelve Step to Pair Bonding.
Stage 1: No Touch
Step 1: Eye to Body
First glance is not sexual look but the look of discovery. First glance takes in size, shape, coloring, age, and personality. Immediately an unconscious grading process begins, rating the person on a scale of low to high desirability. First glance determines whether or not the relationship progresses.
Step 2: Eye to Eye
This will frequently occur in a library or office setting. When the eyes meet there will be a quickening of the heartbeat along with the flush of embarrassment, causing a breaking of the gaze and glancing away. Direct eye contact is reserved for those we know and trust. So two people who see each other for the first time will usually look each other over sequentially rather than simultaneously. Unless the eyes convey a message of interest, the relationship will probably not proceed.
Step 3: Voice to Voice
At first, the couple’s conversation involve small talk such as each other’s name, where they live, what they do for a living, the weather. Such small talk, however, permits further observation and analysis. If the couple continues to talk they can really get to know each other, including opinions, pastimes, hobbies, ideas, likes and dislikes, hopes and dreams for the future. Compatibility can be determined here. A couple should spend many hours at step 3. I stress as many as 1,000 hours talking on the phone while acquiring skills that will be critical to their relationship and possible marriage later on. Each is exploring his or her inner self and becoming vulnerable, a major task when intimacy is developing. This step cannot and should not be ignored. The relationship needs to be slowed down now, before romantic touch begin. After romantic affection begins, the couple will interact differently.
Stage 2: First Touch
During the second stage of bonding, the couple spend much time talking, but eye contact remains limited. Touch begins but none of it is directly sexual. Prolonged hugging or open-mouth kissing would rush the bonding process and awaken sexual responses ahead of schedule.
Step 4: Hand to Hand.
First touch may be innocent–a handshake, or touching while assisting a woman through a doorway. If she pulls away from his touch, it signals him she is not ready for more. But if his touch is received warmly, the relationship may move to hand holding. Holding hands is evidence of a growing attachment between them. First touch is also a social statement that says, “I have someone who enjoys being with me.”
Step 5: Arm to shoulder
Soon the thrill of holding hands subsides and a new plateau is needed to show continued interest. During hand holding the bodies have not been that close, but arm-to-shoulder pulls the trunks of the bodies into close contact and the thrill returns. The shoulder embrace says more than holding hands does. It’s a gesture of ownership that states, “This relationship is going someplace.” There is still limited eye contact and verbals but closer body contact.
Step 6: Arm to Waist
The excitement of holding hands and arm-to-shoulder eventually wears thin. So to bring back the thrill, the couple move to arm to waist which displays more ownership of the body. The arm around the waist clearly signals romantic interest. Notice also that the hands are moving down the body closer to the genitals. You might observe a couple walking down the street, each wearing jeans, in the step 6 position. Sometimes each will slip a thumb inside the back pocket with the hand resting directly on the buttocks. He knows exactly where his hand is and may be entertaining some interesting thoughts: If I can touch her here outside the clothing, I wonder if I might touch her inside the clothes.
Couples can frequently be observed at this stage of bonding on a school campus, or at a park. Their bodies are close but they appear to be looking down, talking to their feet. Deep levels of communication develop at this step. Personal disclosures are made. The basic issues of life are discussed and evaluated. Many personal secrets are shared and a couple really get to know each other at a deeply personal level.
Values, goals, and beliefs must be scrutinized closely because it is now that th future of the relationship must be made–whether it should progress or end. Enough personal disclosures have been shared so that compatibility can be evaluated. If serious doubts or questions exist, now is the time to say good-bye. Proceeding to step 7 or beyond and then separating can leave deep and painful scars because by then the bond is so well formed.
Stage 3: Intimate Contact
At this stage the couple face one another. Although no direct sexual contact occurs, the change in body positions puts sex on a hidden agenda that both become acutely aware of. Any genital contact would bring on intercourse and could scar the formation of a healthy bond, introduce an undercurrent of mistrust, and haunt the pair later should they marry. Communication is different. Until now the couple has been developing their communication skills. Now the verbals shut down and eye contact and nonverbals take over.
Step 7: Face to Face
As the couple moves face to face, three types of contact take place: hugging, deep kissing and prolonged eye contact. The verbals shut down and close body contact in this frontal position combined with open-mouth kissing and tongue thrusting bring on strong sexual arousal, particularly when repeated or prolonged. Much restraint must now be exercised now since the position excites sexual sensitivities. If the couple has taken time to talk through important issues deep communication can take place with few words. Eye contact becomes long and pronounced. Verbal communication tends to shut down while the couple reads each other’s face.
A couple must guard their display of physical affection carefully from now on as all sexual motors are racing.
Step 8: Hand to Head
Here one’s hand is used to caress the head of the other while kissing or talking. This intimate gesture is reserved for those where a high level of trust has been developed. Few people engage in head-touching unless they are in love or are family members. This act, then, denotes emotional closeness, a deep bond of friendship, love, and caring.
Step 9: Hand to Body
Now the hands explore the partner’s body. Breast fondling becomes important for the male. In the early stages of step 9 the hands remain outside the clothing. Later the hands will move underneath the clothing but stay above the waist. Step 9 is dangerously progressive and includes back rubs and other caressing. Each time the couple goes to step 9 they have more trouble stopping at step 9. It is usually now that the female recognizes she must call a halt or it will be too late.
Stage 4: One Flesh
Ultimate intimacy is achieved.
Step 10: Mouth to Breast
Step ten requires the baring of the female breast and demands utmost privacy. The couple is not only concerned with pleasure and arousal but intend to complete the sex act.
Step 11: Hand to Genital.
The hands drop below the waist. Sexual arousal and foreplay are well under way in this last and most intimate stage of genital fondling. Mutual masturbation involves fondling the genitals to attain climax without intercourse. This is done in a vain attempt to retain virginity for marriage and to avoid pregnancy and STDs. Faulty reasoning!. The dictionary defines virgin as “a person of either sex remaining in a state of chastity.” This definition shows that purity has already been lost since touching the genitals of a partner would hardly be considered chaste, pure, or virtuous in any culture. Technically it is only a breath or two away from intercourse.
Step 12: Genital to Genital
The pair-bonding process escalates to its highest level of sexual desire and is complete with penetration and intercourse. A pair bond is thus formed by progressing through these twelve steps. But the goal should be more than sexual pleasure. The goal of bonding is to develop a strong unbreakable bond.
The Results of Rushing or Skipping Steps
When the twelve-step bonding process is rushed, several harmful things can happen.
When steps are skipped or rushed the bond is weakened and tends to break or become deformed. This happens because the couple did not take time to talk through the important issues–values, goals, and beliefs–prior to becoming physically involved. Once the sexual motors get turned on, people forget other aspect of relationship building. It is easier and faster to get to know each other physically then emotionally, socially, and spiritually. This is probably the greatest contributor to rising divorce statistics.
After a couple break up, the tendency is to accelerate the steps with the next partner. Each level of sexual excitement is so immediately rewarding it becomes nearly impossible to be satisfied with lower levels. The long-term consequence of uninhibited sexual freedom is difficulty settling down to one partner after multiple matings.
A sexually experienced person will tend to rush a new partner to intercourse. A person who is used to proceeding through all twelve steps of sexual arousal without stopping will find it difficult to slow the process or stop at steps 7, 8, or 9.
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